Adoption or guardianship

What is the name of your state? New York

I have three small children from a previous marriage, there father does not see them, does not have court ordered visitation and does not share custody, we rarely hear from him, but he does pay court ordered child support. My children call their step-dad "dad" and I would have him adopt them but then I don't think my ex would have to support them. It is not a money thing, it is a responsibility thing to me, if all I can get out of him is money then I will settle for that, it is my belief that he needs to take care of them. But I am concerned that if something were to happen to me there would be no one to make decisions for my kids, my places let their step-dad sign for them, I wrote a note so he can take them to the Dr. but if they needed to go to the ER then I don't know what would happen. How do I get it so he is at least guardian of them and do I have to get my ex's approval to do this? If he has to be involved he will put up a big stink and fight it. I would also like to change the kids' last name eventually so we all have the same last name, will my ex have to approve of this also? Whenever we need to contact my ex he is abusive toward us so I like to have as little contact with him as possible.

[nextwife]

" I would have him adopt them but then I don't think my ex would have to support them"

You are correct. Adoptive parents do not receive child support from any bioparents. The bioparent ceases to legally BE the parent once the new parent adopts in their place.

"But I am concerned that if something were to happen to me there would be no one to make decisions for my kids, my places let their step-dad sign for them"

If something happened to you, at this point, your ex would have legal rights to act for, and have custody of your kids and your husband would not.

" I would also like to change the kids' last name eventually so we all have the same last name, will my ex have to approve of this also?"

Yes, he is still legally the father. Once they are old enough to have a name change without parental consent, it can be done without the ex's permission.

Sorry I don't have answers you are likely to be happy about

My ex would get custody of the kids even though the judge took away all his parental rights because he mentally abused them and who knows what else, they were in counseling for a while because of it. I have papers that were drawn up by a lawyer and signed that the kids would go to my stepmother if I were to die or become totally incapacitated, we had agreed that these papers should be redone so that they go to their stepdad at this point. They were done before he and I were seriously involved. But are these not going to stand up if the time ever comes? I thought he would only be able to fight her for custody and I am almost 100% sure he would lose because he has seen them very little and is irresponsible and a psychiatrist has suggested that they be kept away from him for their own mental health, I have that in writing with their stuff just in case he ever did try. If there is any chance this man will get these kids I will have them adopted right now. I would absolutely die if my kids ever had to live with him. He wanted to sign them over many times but I refused to let him out of his responsibility. This is all so confusing.

[nextwife]

Sorry, there was a lot going on in your first post. Moissed the NO Visitation part. Your husband, in that case, which is not the usual istuation, is more likley to be able to retain custody.

Another option may be to see about having the court make BOTH you and your DH the custodial parents. That is sometimes done.