Advice on what to tell my son

[JWWP20]

What is the name of your state?SC
My son is 7 years old...he has never recieved CS from his father. A year and a half ago I filed for CS...BF has fought me every step of the way and we have still recieved no CS. We were suppose to have a two day trial at the end of the month to address all allegations made by both parties. BF has decided to relinquish his rights (in order to avoid any responsibility) and let my husband adopt my son. We are really happy to be free of him...theres one problem...how do we tell my son about this without making him resent either party?

 

[brisgirl825]

This is a very difficult question and no one can give you the perfect answer. Every child and situation is different.
My kids are 4 & 6 and we're also going through a SP adoption. We started telling the kids early on that they were special b/c they had two dads. Things like that, things that make them feel that their situation is not only ok but better. We tell them that, dad (my ex) likes dad (my husband) and wants him to be their daddy too. It's all positive and never about the ex giving them away etc.
That's the only thing that we have told them. They're just so young that keeping it simple and positive is about all a parent can do.
Hopefully another poster can chime in here and give you some more options.

GL.

 

[stealth2]

For starters, how close is your son to his stepdad? Is being adopted by him something he wants?

 

[JWWP20]

My son is very close to his stepfather...he doesn't even remember what it was like without him (we started dating when my son was a year and a half).
Son tried to call his stepfather "Daddy", but we believed this to be inappropriate at the time as his BF was still in his life. Son's BF has been more involved in the past year than ever before (b/c of custody case). Son has now developed a bond with BF...which creates a problem...I don't want my son to be hurt (realistically I know thats not possible). I want to at least minimize the pain as much as possible.

 

[stealth2]

Then I would strongly reconsider your husband adopting. BioDad IS now involved physically, if not so much financially. Your son IS bonding to him. I'd let well enough alone.

 

[JWWP20]

I understand that...but BF is the one that made the offer (as long as I drop my child support suit and don't seek lawyers fees). I can't make him be a good father or any father at all for that matter. The question is not if we should go forward with this...it's how to put a positive spin on the situation.
I'm not going to push my son off on someone who doesn't want him...it's the BF's loss...not my son's (even though son might not feel that way).

 

[stealth2]

Except apparently bioDad DOES want him to the extent of forming a relationship with the child.

 

[JWWP20]

Maybe a little more background info is in order...
This all takes place in NY...
BF and I were together when we were teenagers...in our early 20's we had a son and broke up before son was born.
BF parents are well off...they threatened to take son away if I ever sued BF for child support.
BF wants nothing to do with son for the first 10 months...BF is finally pressured by new GF to see son.
New GF starts to bond with son...BF tells son to call her Mommy.
New GF gets pregnant...BF pays for abortion...then leaves GF.
Meanwhile I am trying to work 2 jobs go to school and raise a child...w/o help from BF.
I meet my future husband in college.
BF sparadically visits son every couple of months (has missed 6 out of 7 B-days).
This continues for the next 4 years...BF has countless GF's, gets in trouble with the law and lives with his parents.
Husband graduates college...we want to move to SC.
I had not seen BF in 3 months...finally track him down and he is more than happy to let us go (unbeknowst to us he has another child on the way with a women he had a one night stand with)
BF does not tell son of his other child until other child is a year and a half old.
BF does not see son for 10 months.
BF calls down to SC sparadically.
BF is given the option to pay CS or relinquish rights...he does not want to do either.
BF decides to sue for custody.
BF is given summer visitation by courts.
When BF has son BF tells son that son must go talk to a judge and tell said judge that son wants to live with BF (son is 6 years old at the time).
BF brings son back to SC and proceeds to go to the police and make accustions against SF about physical abuse...police tell BF he must bring child back to me...BF then runs for three days until he is tracked down by police and forced to return son.
Many other things have taken place...this is just the tip of the iceberg.
It all comes down to money with this man...he only wanted son to avoid paying support...now he sees that this is not possible...so he just gives him up. My son deserves better and unlike most children he is being given the opportunity to get it.