Best for the child.....need advice

[gr8mom]

What is the name of your state? Nebraska
I have a very unique situation. I am the natural mother and had a child out of wedlock very young. I had then married another man. We went through all the legal steps to have him adopt the child. We went on to have three more children together. Unfortunately, we have divorced. For reasons of his own, he is now wanting to reveal to her (who is only 13) that she was adopted by him. I TOTALLY DISAGREE. Do I have any leg to stand on with this issue?? Part of this agreement so many years ago, is that the natural father was never to be contacted or his whereabouts revealed. I am afraid that if we totally disagree that he will take it upon himself to reveal this to her. I believe that this will be totally devistating to a 13 year old to take. Can I step in and take a legal stance at all as to what is best for this child???
Please help.

 

[Ohiogal]

What was best for the child is never to have the child live with this fiction. You need to tell the child the truth. She has a RIGHT to know about her biological father. She has a right to know she was adopted. She had a right to be told the truth all these years. ONe of these days she WILL find out about it and watch her resent you for not being honest. Maybe that is what you are afraid of anyway -- that she will be angry with you. If handled with tact and love there is no reason that this revelation will be a bad thing for the child. The only one it may be bad for is you. In the best interest of the child, TELL HER THE TRUTH!

 

[momofrose]

What is the name of your state? Nebraska
I have a very unique situation. I am the natural mother and had a child out of wedlock very young. I had then married another man. We went through all the legal steps to have him adopt the child. We went on to have three more children together. Unfortunately, we have divorced. For reasons of his own, he is now wanting to reveal to her (who is only 13) that she was adopted by him. I TOTALLY DISAGREE. Do I have any leg to stand on with this issue?? Part of this agreement so many years ago, is that the natural father was never to be contacted or his whereabouts revealed. I am afraid that if we totally disagree that he will take it upon himself to reveal this to her. I believe that this will be totally devistating to a 13 year old to take. Can I step in and take a legal stance at all as to what is best for this child???
Please help.

You have no legal standing especially when he is telling her the truth -

You are right that at 13 this will be devestating- that is why she should have been told at a much earlier age so that she could grow up knowing the truth and adjusting as such.

To that end - she should be told now- the longer this goes on the more she will hate you for not telling her the truth- you do not HIDE adoption.

D

 

[nextwife]

Whatever gave you the idea that it's ok for children of adoption to be LIED to about being adopted?

LYING implies there is something WRONG with being adopted that requires it be hidden away. Becoming a family by adoption is JUST ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE A FAMILY, and no less valid.

You felt your biological children deserved to know the truth of THEIR " life story", but NOT your daughter who had an adoption story? How dare you treat adoption as less worthy of truthfullness! Our adopted children deserve nothing less than the truth - always. There is nothing WRONG with being adopted that should cause it to require secrecy.

It is BEST for a child to always know their adoption story, and best to NOT have their parents LIE to them.

 

[moburkes]

What is the name of your state? Nebraska
I have a very unique situation. I am the natural mother and had a child out of wedlock very young. I had then married another man. We went through all the legal steps to have him adopt the child. We went on to have three more children together. Unfortunately, we have divorced. For reasons of his own, he is now wanting to reveal to her (who is only 13) that she was adopted by him. I TOTALLY DISAGREE. Do I have any leg to stand on with this issue?? Part of this agreement so many years ago, is that the natural father was never to be contacted or his whereabouts revealed. I am afraid that if we totally disagree that he will take it upon himself to reveal this to her. I believe that this will be totally devistating to a 13 year old to take. Can I step in and take a legal stance at all as to what is best for this child???
Please help.

And, you call yourself a gr8mom?

 

[nextwife]

What is the name of your state? Nebraska
I have a very unique situation. I am the natural mother and had a child out of wedlock very young. I had then married another man. We went through all the legal steps to have him adopt the child. We went on to have three more children together. Unfortunately, we have divorced. For reasons of his own, he is now wanting to reveal to her (who is only 13) that she was adopted by him. I TOTALLY DISAGREE. Do I have any leg to stand on with this issue?? Part of this agreement so many years ago, is that the natural father was never to be contacted or his whereabouts revealed. I am afraid that if we totally disagree that he will take it upon himself to reveal this to her. I believe that this will be totally devistating to a 13 year old to take. Can I step in and take a legal stance at all as to what is best for this child???
Please help.

And gr8mom, before you have the chat you should have had years and years ago with your daughter, you may want to read up on correct and incorrect adoption terminology. Your child IS an adoptive child of your husband, and you should know what to say and not say when speaking of adoption. Sure sounds like you've never read any materials about presenting adoption in a positive light and how to talk to our adopted kids about adoption.

The term "natural mother" or "natural child" is really NOT acceptable adoption language. When you use terms like "natural" you imply that an adopted child or parent is somehow "UN-natural". Same applies to terms like "real" child. NEVER use terms like "real" - after all, an adopted child is ALSO "real", they aren't figments of our imaginations!

 

[momofrose]

And gr8mom, before you have the chat you should have had years and years ago with your daughter, you may want to read up on correct and incorrect adoption terminology. Your child IS an adoptive child of your husband, and you should know what to say and not say when speaking of adoption. Sure sounds like you've never read any materials about presenting adoption in a positive light and how to talk to our adopted kids about adoption.

The term "natural mother" or "natural child" is really NOT acceptable adoption language. When you use terms like "natural" you imply that an adopted child or parent is somehow "UN-natural". Same applies to terms like "real" child. NEVER use terms like "real" - after all, an adopted child is ALSO "real", they aren't figments of our imaginations!

Excellent point!!

 

[gr8mom]

Advice

I was seeking advice, not ridicule. I thought of this as a different situation and don't think there is anything wrong with adoption. I just never thought it would be an issue, because we have a true family, no matter how you put us together.
I am looking at how the rest of the kids in the household will take this as well. This is not just a revealing of facts and all is well. This will be an ongoing subject in our household. I just see how children can be mean to each other and it's not something I thought she should go through at this point in her life.
I was simply seeking advice and I realize I have a lot to learn, but I am not a horrible mother as some seem to be implying.

 

[Gevalia]

I am looking at how the rest of the kids in the household will take this as well...I just see how children can be mean to each other and it's not something I thought she should go through at this point in her life.

Her brothers/sisters have known her--and, presumably, loved her--as nothing but their sister their whole lives. Are you saying once they find out she's adopted, they'll be hostile or she'll be ostracized by them?

 

[Silverplum]

I was seeking advice, not ridicule. I thought of this as a different situation and don't think there is anything wrong with adoption. I just never thought it would be an issue, because we have a true family, no matter how you put us together.
I am looking at how the rest of the kids in the household will take this as well. This is not just a revealing of facts and all is well. This will be an ongoing subject in our household. I just see how children can be mean to each other and it's not something I thought she should go through at this point in her life.
I was simply seeking advice and I realize I have a lot to learn, but I am not a horrible mother as some seem to be implying.

You have told a truly stunning LIE to your child. For YEARS.

If you think this board was "ridiculing" you, just wait till your CHILD gets ahold of the truth...and then, YOU.

 

[momofrose]

I was seeking advice, not ridicule. I thought of this as a different situation and don't think there is anything wrong with adoption. I just never thought it would be an issue, because we have a true family, no matter how you put us together.
I am looking at how the rest of the kids in the household will take this as well. This is not just a revealing of facts and all is well. This will be an ongoing subject in our household. I just see how children can be mean to each other and it's not something I thought she should go through at this point in her life.
I was simply seeking advice and I realize I have a lot to learn, but I am not a horrible mother as some seem to be implying.

A 'true" family is just that a "TRUE" family - how could you let your 13 year old think she is your husband's bio child when in fact she is not? Did you not think this would ever come up?

How the rest of the kids take this is also on your shooulders - you have done wrong by all of them by not being truthful.

In any case - your original legal question is an easy one- YOU HAVE NOTHING TO STAND ON and I truly hope you get your child(ren) some on going counselling because at this point they will need it.

D

 

[gr8mom]

More

Have you ever heard a 16, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, and 5 year old fight??? They throw their jabs in anytime they can.....
I will leave this forum with this. I simply was seeking legal advice and realize that you will only get opinions.
I have a lot to learn in life, as do all parents for that matter. I am a gr8mom.....one more on the way. I love our family no matter how we've come together.
I am simply looking at what is best for her AT THIS POINT IN HER LIFE. Sure, we probably made the mistake of not telling her at a young age, I just don't think now at 13 is the time to do it.
We are raising these children in a Christian home and PROTECTING them, not lying to them. We are not only physically protecting them but emotionally protecting them as well.
I think that everyone took what I was saying incorrectly. So sorry that you all took what I said the way you did.

 

[Silverplum]

Have you ever heard a 16, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, and 5 year old fight??? They throw their jabs in anytime they can.....

I thought you were raising them in a Christian home? Don't you teach them better?

We are raising these children in a Christian home and PROTECTING them, not lying to them. We are not only physically protecting them but emotionally protecting them as well.

Nonsense. You don't need to "PROTECT" via lying. You're just making excuses.

I think that everyone took what I was saying incorrectly. So sorry that you all took what I said the way you did.

I don't think anyone misunderstood a thing. In fact, I'm sure we all understood just fine.

 

[momofrose]

Have you ever heard a 16, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, and 5 year old fight??? They throw their jabs in anytime they can.....

Have YOU ever heard a 13 year old and their mother fight??Have YOU ever been lied to for 13 years?? Would you rather know at 13 or at 32 that your life has been a lie???

I will leave this forum with this. I simply was seeking legal advice and realize that you will only get opinions.

I gave you legal advise - for the third time now - you have NO legal standing

I have a lot to learn in life, as do all parents for that matter. I am a gr8mom.....one more on the way. I love our family no matter how we've come together.
I am simply looking at what is best for her AT THIS POINT IN HER LIFE. Sure, we probably made the mistake of not telling her at a young age, I just don't think now at 13 is the time to do it.

No - I am sure she'll take it better when she is 32

We are raising these children in a Christian home and PROTECTING them, not lying to them.
WRONG - YOU ARE LYING TO THEM!!!

We are not only physically protecting them but emotionally protecting them as well.
I think that everyone took what I was saying incorrectly. So sorry that you all took what I said the way you did.

We took everything you said correctly - it is you that does not choose to hear.

Now go back and continue lying to them...oops..I mean "protecting" them.

D

 

[nextwife]

Have you ever heard a 16, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, and 5 year old fight??? They throw their jabs in anytime they can.....
I will leave this forum with this. I simply was seeking legal advice and realize that you will only get opinions.
I have a lot to learn in life, as do all parents for that matter. I am a gr8mom.....one more on the way. I love our family no matter how we've come together.
I am simply looking at what is best for her AT THIS POINT IN HER LIFE. Sure, we probably made the mistake of not telling her at a young age, I just don't think now at 13 is the time to do it.
We are raising these children in a Christian home and PROTECTING them, not lying to them. We are not only physically protecting them but emotionally protecting them as well.
I think that everyone took what I was saying incorrectly. So sorry that you all took what I said the way you did.

And if you had always created an atmosphere of ACCEPTANCE of adoption, that it is normal, and a valid way to make a family, the siblings would never CONSIDER saying anything was somehow BAD about being adopted. TReating it as a bad secret that must be kept in the closet gives the impression you think that being one's biochild is somehow a superior form of parentage than being an adoptive parent. Get over it. There is no reason a child is any less one's child just because they entered the family a different way.

I have friends who have both bio and adopted kiddos, and the bio-sibs not only would never say anything bad about being adopted, they'd take on anyone who said anything bad to their adoptive sibs about it!