dad has question about legal name change vs adoption in Illinois

[concerned21]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

My ex wife wants her our 2 children (ages 13 & 9) to take her new husband's name (adoption has never been mentioned). (She also has 2 other children with him.) One child I have not seen in 7 years, the other I do not know at all, this is no choice of mine, but IL law SUCKS! Anyway, I do not know these children only who they used to be, to which I have no problem my ex's new husband adopting them (he seems like a decent dad). I do however pay a hefty amount of child support on a weekly basis. My concern is that my ex wants her cake & eat it to! Why should I let the children change their last names & I still pay child support? Why do they get to look & act like a perfect little family, that I am really supporting! Neither my ex or her new husband work & they are on public aid. If this new husband loves them enought can I request that he adopt them? What are my chances of denying a name change based on the fact that I financially support these 2 children & I feel that it is my decision whether or not they can change their name. Since I no longer know the children & do not see them I do not have a problem with adoption, but how do I bring it up? I want what is in the best interest of the kids, but I am angry that I am supporting these 2 grown adults & their 2 kids along with my 2 kids! How do I approach this situation? Court is April 26th. Thanks!

 

[stealth2]

What's the real story behind you not seeing the kids for 7 years?

And you don't get to force him to adopt your kids. You can contest a name change - it will be up to the judge.

 

[ceara19]

Even IF step dad wanted to adopt the kids, you'd have a tough time convincing a Judge to approve it. Adoption would mean an end to child support, which would lower the income of the household even more. They are already on public aid as it is.

 

[concerned21]

What's the real story behind you not seeing the kids for 7 years?

And you don't get to force him to adopt your kids. You can contest a name change - it will be up to the judge.

The REAL reason I have not seen my kids is because she denied my visitation. She has moved 16 times in the past 11 years. It usually takes me about a 6 months to a year to find her then. I have been back & forth to court with no avail. Because she denied my visitation a judge lets me gradually see my kids again, says I have to get to know them again. After one visitation she moves again. She is in contempt of court but because she has 4 kids they won't put her in prison. I ran up $40,000 in lawyer fees & court costs. I cannot afford to live like this, I pay $800 a month in child support. I love my kids, however I do not know them anymore. That is the truth.

 

[moburkes]

The REAL reason I have not seen my kids is because she denied my visitation. She has moved 16 times in the past 11 years. It usually takes me about a 6 months to a year to find her then. I have been back & forth to court with no avail. Because she denied my visitation a judge lets me gradually see my kids again, says I have to get to know them again. After one visitation she moves again. She is in contempt of court but because she has 4 kids they won't put her in prison. I ran up $40,000 in lawyer fees & court costs. I cannot afford to live like this, I pay $800 a month in child support. I love my kids, however I do not know them anymore. That is the truth.

YIKES! Good luck.

 

[concerned21]

Even IF step dad wanted to adopt the kids, you'd have a tough time convincing a Judge to approve it. Adoption would mean an end to child support, which would lower the income of the household even more. They are already on public aid as it is.

And as I said before, they are on public aid because they BOTH refuse to work! Why should I support 2 adults & 2 other children that are not even mine! Why should they get to look like a 'real' family with everyone having the same last name, while I support them? They should get to have their cake & eat it too. Someone needs to go find a job instead of sitting around all day. I still talk to my ex's brother & he says they are lazy & are just working the system! Section 8 & public aid. They are both totally capable of working even if she just watches a couple of kids a week or worked at a daycare, with great hours & her 2 younger ones can stay with her! I understand mom's want to stay home, my new wife doesn't & our son loves his daycare!

 

[moburkes]

However, you cannot think of your child support that way. Because, in reality, if they were both working, and your ex still received $800/month, you would be saying that they didn't need that much of your money to take care of the kids. Also, the law states that the NCP does not get to dictate how the money is spend, and, if the mom is on state aid, your money is paying back the govt. for providing for your children.

 

[MrsK]

However, you cannot think of your child support that way. Because, in reality, if they were both working, and your ex still received $800/month, you would be saying that they didn't need that much of your money to take care of the kids. Also, the law states that the NCP does not get to dictate how the money is spend, and, if the mom is on state aid, your money is paying back the govt. for providing for your children.

Not neccessarily. It depends on what type of assistance the state requires payback for. My state, for example, only takes the support rather than giving it to the CP if the CP was on cash benefits. You can receive Section 8, Food Stamps, and Medicaid, and even CCA without the state intercepting any $$ from the support.

 

[moburkes]

Not neccessarily. It depends on what type of assistance the state requires payback for. My state, for example, only takes the support rather than giving it to the CP if the CP was on cash benefits. You can receive Section 8, Food Stamps, and Medicaid, and even CCA without the state intercepting any $$ from the support.

I was just simplifying for OP. I've received "welfare" before, so I know.

 

[Zigner]

Does IL have direct deposit of child support? Or, is it placed on some sort of debit card?

If the answer to both is "no", then *SOMEONE* knows the whereabouts of ex, even if she moves...

 

[Gracie3787]

Does IL have direct deposit of child support? Or, is it placed on some sort of debit card?

If the answer to both is "no", then *SOMEONE* knows the whereabouts of ex, even if she moves...

That "someone" is probably the state CSE agency, and we all know that they will not give one parent the other parent's address, so that won't be any help.

 

[Goodwitch]

I would ask to have the case transferred to a different judge. You really need to point out to the judge that she keeps moving and is stopping you from see the kids. To me, it doesn't sound like the children are in a stable home. Make it easy on yourself and get a lawyer. See what the lawyer can do about modifying the custody of the children. If you can’t get full custody of the children, ask for joint physical and legal. Perhaps the lawyer can talk the court to ordering counseling for you and the children (together). I think you and the children would greatly benefit from this. This would make the court happy as you are getting to know your children again.
Did you have anything in mind for visitation? Do you want scheduled visitation or something that both parties have to agree to? If it was me, I would ask for scheduled visitation. That way she can’t say no or deny you visitation without being in contempt of court.
Also you may want to check with your states website for their version of the friend of the court handbook. In the handbook it covers things like how to find the other parent. This is even easier in your case since she is getting assistance (she must update her address with them immediately). In some states it states that you can use federal and state resources to find the other parent. See if that applies to your state. If it does, contact her worker for the address.

 

[concerned21]

That "someone" is probably the state CSE agency, and we all know that they will not give one parent the other parent's address, so that won't be any help.

Thank you! This is very true in the state of IL. I had to go as far as hiring private investigators. Also, the state of IL does NOT require you to pay back if you collect assistance.

 

[concerned21]

I would ask to have the case transferred to a different judge. You really need to point out to the judge that she keeps moving and is stopping you from see the kids. To me, it doesn't sound like the children are in a stable home. Make it easy on yourself and get a lawyer. See what the lawyer can do about modifying the custody of the children. If you can’t get full custody of the children, ask for joint physical and legal. Perhaps the lawyer can talk the court to ordering counseling for you and the children (together). I think you and the children would greatly benefit from this. This would make the court happy as you are getting to know your children again.
Did you have anything in mind for visitation? Do you want scheduled visitation or something that both parties have to agree to? If it was me, I would ask for scheduled visitation. That way she can’t say no or deny you visitation without being in contempt of court.
Also you may want to check with your states website for their version of the friend of the court handbook. In the handbook it covers things like how to find the other parent. This is even easier in your case since she is getting assistance (she must update her address with them immediately). In some states it states that you can use federal and state resources to find the other parent. See if that applies to your state. If it does, contact her worker for the address.

OK, I HAVE joint custody, she has physical custody. These children do not know me anymore & I do not know them. They have expressed their wishes not to get to know me, I am sure I am being bad mouthed as probably is my new wife by their mother.

Back to my orignial question:
DO I JUST BRING IT UP IN COURT? CAN I JUST ASK WHY DOESN'T HE PETITION TO ADOPT THEM INSTEAD OF JUST DOING A NAME CHANGE? DOESN'T HE LOVE THEM ENOUGH TO BE THEIR LEGAL FATHER OR DOES HE JUST WANT TO LOOK LIKE HE IS & STILL BE SUPPORTED BY SOMEONE ELSE?

 

[ceara19]

OK, I HAVE joint custody, she has physical custody. These children do not know me anymore & I do not know them. They have expressed their wishes not to get to know me, I am sure I am being bad mouthed as probably is my new wife by their mother.

Back to my orignial question:
DO I JUST BRING IT UP IN COURT? CAN I JUST ASK WHY DOESN'T HE PETITION TO ADOPT THEM INSTEAD OF JUST DOING A NAME CHANGE? DOESN'T HE LOVE THEM ENOUGH TO BE THEIR LEGAL FATHER OR DOES HE JUST WANT TO LOOK LIKE HE IS & STILL BE SUPPORTED BY SOMEONE ELSE?

You could "bring it up" but it isn't going to get you anywhere. The court won't FORCE him to adopt the kids and because they are already an public assistance, it's unlikely that a court would APPROVE an adoption even if he WANTED to adopt the kids. If the child support stopped for whatever reason, that $800 would have to be replaced. Since they are already on assistance, they would likely turn to the government for the money. That is something that a Judge is NOT going to do.

What you CAN do is contest the name change. If you contest, it's unlikely that it will be approved. And while you are in court, you can serve her for violating the court order yet again. One of the things you should be asking for is reimbursement of legal fees if she is found to be in contempt. Then you could ask the court to deduct the legal fees you are awarded from the child support.