does deadbeat have a say in step-parent adoption

[mama miya]

I'm in Queens, NY, married for 3 years to a man who has been wanting to adopt my 13 year old son since we met. My son hasn't seen his "father" for about 7 years, and has not received any kind of support for nearly a decade. I know that both parents need to consent, but is there a way to bypass the deadbeat dad? I think it's unfair.

Also, I'm having trouble doing this pro se but it seems the only affordable option. The cheapest I've found a lawyer to be was $3000 and it doesn't include serving the dad papers nor does it cover what happens if the dad decides to fight it. Now that I'm trying to bypass the dad it will probably cost more.

Can anyone tell me if the online kits or online preparers are any good?

(And why do lawyers charge for every breath they take in your case?)

[stealth2]

Originally Posted by mama miya

I'm in Queens, NY, married for 3 years to a man who has been wanting to adopt my 13 year old son since we met. My son hasn't seen his "father" for about 7 years, and has not received any kind of support for nearly a decade. I know that both parents need to consent, but is there a way to bypass the deadbeat dad? I think it's unfair.

Also, I'm having trouble doing this pro se but it seems the only affordable option. The cheapest I've found a lawyer to be was $3000 and it doesn't include serving the dad papers nor does it cover what happens if the dad decides to fight it. Now that I'm trying to bypass the dad it will probably cost more.

Can anyone tell me if the online kits or online preparers are any good?

I don't think adoption is ever a do-it-yourself project. In a situation such as yours, even more so. If every i is not dotted and every t not crossed - bioDad could come out of the woodwork at any time and contest the adoption. And would likely win. Make it a family goal to save the money to do this the right way.

Originally Posted by mama miya

(And why do lawyers charge for every breath they take in your case?)

Hmmmm**************.. maybe because they also have bills to pay? Checks to sign for their employees, loans to pay off from the years they spent in school, landlords who for some reason want the rent, utility companies who don't want to heat (or cool) the building or provide potable water unless it's paid for, continuing education to pay for, their OWN families to provide for, professional fees, insurance costs (both the usual and professional insurance), etc.

Do you work for free? Why do you expect others to do so?

[BelizeBreeze]

And, of course, you have a court order for child support RIGHT?

[rmet4nzkx]

BB is giving you a big hint.
Enforce your child support order and deadbeat dad will be ask if they can TPR and you will have money to pay for the adoption from the back child support, if your husband still wants to be responsible for child support until your child is 21 if you were to divorce.

[mama miya]

Hey, that comment about the lawyers was a joke

I feel like my case is strong because my son's biological dad has not given any sort of money or interest in anything since 1995. Then he saw my son Xmas 1998, but that was because his mom forced him to see my son. So in this case, I'm near positive his mom will make him fight the adoption.

It's just the money that's killing me. As it is, we live on one income and are barely paying bills. But my husband has taken my son under his wing in all respects since 2000, and I hate for money to be in the way of formalizing his fatherhood. We also have a daughter, and that is why I want my son to formally be in the family, with name and all.

We'll try to come up with the money then if that is the only way, but it just pushes us back a year...

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by mama miya

Hey, that comment about the lawyers was a joke

Not the brightest joke to make on a FREE LEGAL site, now is it?

(snip)

Originally Posted by mama miya

It's just the money that's killing me. As it is, we live on one income and are barely paying bills. But my husband has taken my son under his wing in all respects since 2000, and I hate for money to be in the way of formalizing his fatherhood. We also have a daughter, and that is why I want my son to formally be in the family, with name and all.

Uuhhhhh...does your son live with "the family?" Does he eat and play and is he loved? If so, then he is, you know...IN THE FAMILY. YOU are his family, his sister is his family, his stepdad is his family. What is WITH you? A name makes that much difference that the kid is NOT "in the family?" Good grief.

And living on one income is your choice as a family. Don't make the choice and then moan and groan about it.

Originally Posted by mama miya

We'll try to come up with the money then if that is the only way, but it just pushes us back a year...

[mama miya]

You know what I find about these forums is that when someone makes a comment anonymously, they can be as nasty as they want to be (re: previous reply.)

I initially started this to see if I can get some helpful tips, not to be scolded on my way of living. Of course my son has a family. If your version of a family is living, eating, playing, and breathing with people, then what is the point of an adoption? That is why I said I would like to make it "formal".

Also, how can you assume that having the same name does not make a big difference? Do you know that my son has very serious identity issues for which he has been in therapy for years? And this was largely due to not having a father.

And yes it was our choice to live on one income. It was my choice to stay home and make sure that both my kids, however big or little they are, have their mom with them at all times. But it isn't my choice to have to fight for legal custody of my son in an adoption case. Nor is it my choice to pay thousands of dollars to legally and formally do what we have been doing all along... being a family. The adoption is to make it a family that is recognized in society.

So, before you open your mouth and tell someone to stop moaning and groaning and then assume that having the same name does not make a difference, you should really consider that you don't really know who you're talking to. Stick to the issue at hand. I am just someone who needs help exploring my options, just as everyone else is who is reaching out for help.

[stealth2]

Soooooooo**************... did you get BB's "hint"?

[rmet4nzkx]

Then what's your real reason for not enforcing child support? Was paternity ever established? Is this man really his father?

[mama miya]

Here is where it gets complicated. My son's biological dad and I were married from 1993-2000. My son was born in 1992. We never lived together as a family. We were only married because we were forced by our parents. So on paper we were married, though we were physically separated.

When we got divorced, we hadn't seen each other for years. I filed an uncontested divorce, with NO children involved. So he got away with no child support, and I was never interested in his money anyway. Although I don't speak to him anymore, I know that he has not been working. Maybe temp jobs that pay $8/hr but no more.

I thought everything was okay because on my son's birth certificate I am the only parent listed. My son has my maiden name as his last name. And yes, this man is the father because I was only 15 when I gave birth and he was the only person I'd ever been with.

So, when I initially inquired with the courts about adoption, they told me that even though he is not listed as the father, IF I knew who he was, I still had to contact him. I was really disheartened by this. To be honest, I really just don't want to have anything to with this man, much less get his consent for anything. This is where the lawyer comes in.

As for back child support, I never thought about it because I wanted to sever all ties with the so-called father.

[rmet4nzkx]

You don't have a legal question, you have a moral question.

[mama miya]

BB and stealth, thanks for the hints. I looked into the child support... but I do have a new worry. Given my history with the divorce and the lack of father listed on the birth certificate, could he deny that he is the father? And if so... does that leave me home free for my son to be adopted, or does it put me in a bigger mess?

Anyway, I was thinking that we could use his lack of child support as a strong case against him in the adoption.

[mama miya]

Originally Posted by rmet4nzkx

You don't have a legal question, you have a moral question.

Really, I don't see the point of these replies. What do you gain by saying this to me?

Of course I have legal questions. What I have decided to do as far as child support and such are moral issues. The adoption is a legal issue. If it were as easy as a moral issue, then what would be the point of me exploring the realm of family courts, family law, and lawyers?

Frankly, people like you must have a lot of time on your hands, with nothing better to do than make hit and run comments. You asked me a question about child support and paternity, and I answered it thinking it would make a clearer picture as to how I can proceed LEGALLY.

[rmet4nzkx]

Originally Posted by mama miya

Really, I don't see the point of these replies. What do you gain by saying this to me?

Of course I have legal questions. What I have decided to do as far as child support and such are moral issues. The adoption is a legal issue. If it were as easy as a moral issue, then what would be the point of me exploring the realm of family courts, family law, and lawyers?

Frankly, people like you must have a lot of time on your hands, with nothing better to do than make hit and run comments. You asked me a question about child support and paternity, and I answered it thinking it would make a clearer picture as to how I can proceed LEGALLY.

Your legal question is simply a diversion.
You have denied your son a relationship with his father for all these years even though you went through a sham marriage. It is not just the "father's" fault, you had a moral obligation too. All this was to what end? You didn't establish paternity, or do anything to insure your son's future. Adoption now isn't going to change anything other than to give you more child support if you get a divorce. Even if you go through an adoption you are not going to get around establishing paternity so that the rights can be terminated and if he fights that, then you will have to deal with the consequences. Maybe you were a child when this happened, but you have been an adult for some time, you need to start acting responsibly.

No, you don't have a striong case because you failed to establish paternity, furthermore, you LIED in your divorce when you said that there were no children.

Please don't blame me because I have to point out the issues you witheld when you came here looking for someone to aid and abet you in more acts of fraud.

[mama miya]

Originally Posted by rmet4nzkx

No, you don't have a striong case because you failed to establish paternity, furthermore, you LIED in your divorce when you said that there were no children.

Please don't blame me because I have to point out the issues you witheld when you came here looking for someone to aid and abet you in more acts of fraud.

You know what, although your tone is an angry one, I actually gathered some valuable information from you. So aside from your false accusations and insults, I must thank you.

I didn't know that paternity needed to be established. I didn't know the consequences of the uncontested divorce either. When I filed for divorce, I told the lawyer everything, about not living together, having a child, etc. It was the lawyer who advised me not to include my son in the divorce and it was my son's father who was more than happy to sign the papers. My only concern was to terminate the marriage that I myself did not want to be in. Anyway, like I said you also pointed out some other things I never knew or thought of.

However, I do have to tell you that you don't have the right to accuse me of denying my son a father. Apparently you have no idea that his father decided to just stop calling and visiting when my son was 4 years old. And that even though he did see my son for 1 Christmas after that, it was only because his mom forced him to. Aside from that, would you have liked me to take my son to see a father who wants nothing to do with him? Would you ever put your child in that situation?

As for the marriage being a sham, no one is going to argue with you on that. It was something I was forced to do as a child, it was something I ended as an adult. It's unfortunate that I was unaware of the mess it would put me in, but I'm sure that anyone who is not schooled in law would have thought they were okay the way I did.

After all is said and done, perhaps I am in a tighter spot than I imagined. But in no way was I ever asking for anyone to help with fraud. If it were so, then I'd have asked for different advice.

You should just stop aggravating yourself with my situation. I didn't ask you specifically for help, right?