Ex-wife wants her husband to adopt our kids, how do I protect my rights?

[enigma_38]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

My ex-wife approached me about having her husband adopt out 2 minor children. She said that they would never stand in the way of either myself or my parents trying to communicate or have visitation with the children, but when I asked her about incorporating some kind of written and signed agreement into the adoption she said that after speaking to a lawyer that the lawyer said that the court would not address it. It sounds like this situation is getting steered in the way of a handshake agreement which I am not too comfortable with.

In addition I want to know how child support will be affected and hadled thru this whole situation. I lost my job in July of 2010, and CS has been accruing arrears at the prev rate of CS. To that end I have arrears that are built up and when I asked her if she would be willing to waive those arrears, she simply tells me that she doesn't know how that is handled. I feel like with an answer like that that she is dodging my question and this makes me nervous. So my major questions are these:

Will the court recognize and address a written agreement between myself and my ex to maintain visitation and communication for myself and my family?

If the court will not recognize a wrtiien agreement between us, what recourse do I have?

I am under the assumption that once he were to adopt our children NYS CSEB would cease to charge me for child support, but what about the arrears that are accruing based on a job I have not held in 8 months? Can she (as the custodial parent) waive entitlement to those monies?

What recourse can I take with NYS CSEB if she refuses to do so?

Needless to say I am looking for legal advice here because I cannot afford a lawyer, thanks for any help you can give me.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

My ex-wife approached me about having her husband adopt out 2 minor children. She said that they would never stand in the way of either myself or my parents trying to communicate or have visitation with the children, but when I asked her about incorporating some kind of written and signed agreement into the adoption she said that after speaking to a lawyer that the lawyer said that the court would not address it. It sounds like this situation is getting steered in the way of a handshake agreement which I am not too comfortable with.

In addition I want to know how child support will be affected and hadled thru this whole situation. I lost my job in July of 2010, and CS has been accruing arrears at the prev rate of CS. To that end I have arrears that are built up and when I asked her if she would be willing to waive those arrears, she simply tells me that she doesn't know how that is handled. I feel like with an answer like that that she is dodging my question and this makes me nervous. So my major questions are these:

Will the court recognize and address a written agreement between myself and my ex to maintain visitation and communication for myself and my family?

If the court will not recognize a wrtiien agreement between us, what recourse do I have?

I am under the assumption that once he were to adopt our children NYS CSEB would cease to charge me for child support, but what about the arrears that are accruing based on a job I have not held in 8 months? Can she (as the custodial parent) waive entitlement to those monies?

What recourse can I take with NYS CSEB if she refuses to do so?

Needless to say I am looking for legal advice here because I cannot afford a lawyer, thanks for any help you can give me.

Are you really willing to sell your children, because that what it really amounts to.

Your wife cannot force you to relinquish your parental rights and the fact that you are behind in child support has nothing to do with the rights you have to be their father.

I do have to tell you that if you do go ahead and decide you no longer want to be these children's father, you will have no legal rights to this kids. Your family will have no legal rights to these kids.

Suppose you do this, what will happen 15 years from now when your kids ask you why you sold them? You protect your rights by visiting with your children, being a dad and most of all supporting as they should be supported.

 

[ecmst12]

Well, his parents might be able to sue for grandparent visitation if he relinquishes his rights. But HE will never be able to receive any sort of court-ordered visitation again.

 

[milspecgirl]

child support - have you contacted CS to try to get a lowered amount due to job loss or anything?

Your ex could give up the past CS (provided the gov't isnt owed any money for benefits, etc) However, they will not put that into the court papers as it is seen as selling the children and courts frown on that. So, you would have to rely on her good word to do that and I would want her to do it before you signed the papers (IF you are willing to sell them). CS will stop as of the day the termination is finalized.

Please understand, if you allow the adoption to take place, you and your family have NO RIGHTS to those children. You will have as much rights to them and any information about them as I do- NADA! You will not be able to call the school and see how they are, get a report card, go to the Dr, even pick them up without her or their dad's permission.

A written agreement between you all is worthless because you have no legal rights to the children. Your parents MAY be able to sue for grandparents visitation (but sometimes when the parent voluntarily signs over, it isnt allowed). Even then, it is possible the order will state the gp arent to have the kids around you without permission (ours did). GP visitation can be long and costly and painful.

My suggestion, continue spending as much time with your kids as you can. Now, that you arent working- see if you can spend more- volunteer in their class, go to lunch at school even. And talk to CS to see about lowering the support due to job loss and then see if you cant at least get something part time (even fast food) so that you can at least pay something.
OR
decide you dont want to be a dad anymore and give them up completely and accept the fact that you may end up with absolutely NO contact until they reach the age of majority and still possibly have to pay the arrears.

One additonal thing- how old are the children. Most states require a child 14 or older to consent to an adoption

 

[>Charlotte<]

You need to understand that once your children are adopted, they are no longer your children. They are his children. He will be their father. You will be the guy that used to be married to their mother. Period.

Regardless of any kind of agreement you can gin up--assuming it's even recognized by any court--do you think it's actually going to matter to your ex and her husband once they decide life would be so much more convenient if you were just out of their lives for good? And if you think they won't do that, ask yourself what their motive is to ask you to stop being your childrens' father in the first place. If you think people give a whit about their legal obligations, I can show you thousands of posts on this site that prove otherwise.

So, what are you going to do when they start waffling on the visitation? Sue them? Are you going to be prepared to spend a lot of time and money going in and out of court for who knows how long? You'll be fighting for the right to spend time with somebody else's children. How easy do you think that's going to be?

If you're willing to give up your children in exchange for wiping out your CS debt, take the deal. If you're not, this has 'bad idea' written all over it.

 

[enigma_38]

Ok, first of all I am NOT selling my kids! Perhaps I was a bit too vague with the details of my situation in my initial posting.
The children are 13 and 11. I live in Florida while they reside in NY. I never hear from them unless it is father's day or my birthday other than that if I want to talk to them I always have to call them. They love me they just don't really have any interest in maintaining a relationship in those ways because that's the way they were raised. I am working again but I earn less than half of my previous salary and it is hard for me to afford the child support that then leaves me with very little money to be able to fly up to see them or to fly them down to see me. The other major point of contention is her new husband is a professor in a local community college. As a provision of the college any children of his can go to college for free. An advantage I cannot provide for them. I am not selling my kids I am trying to do what I think is truly in the best interests of their future.
So basically what you're saying is if I go thru with this I need to trust that she will continue to allow me to see the kids because I will have absolutely NO legal rights to them anymore.
In addition I should have her settle the issue of any back CS BEFORE I sign anything that would relinquish my rights to the kids?

 

[Antigone*]

Ok, first of all I am NOT selling my kids! Perhaps I was a bit too vague with the details of my situation in my initial posting.
The children are 13 and 11. I live in Florida while they reside in NY. I never hear from them unless it is father's day or my birthday other than that if I want to talk to them I always have to call them. They love me they just don't really have any interest in maintaining a relationship in those ways because that's the way they were raised. I am working again but I earn less than half of my previous salary and it is hard for me to afford the child support that then leaves me with very little money to be able to fly up to see them or to fly them down to see me. The other major point of contention is her new husband is a professor in a local community college. As a provision of the college any children of his can go to college for free. An advantage I cannot provide for them. I am not selling my kids I am trying to do what I think is truly in the best interests of their future.
So basically what you're saying is if I go thru with this I need to trust that she will continue to allow me to see the kids because I will have absolutely NO legal rights to them anymore.
In addition I should have her settle the issue of any back CS BEFORE I sign anything that would relinquish my rights to the kids?

I guess you'd hear from your kids more if you called them more, huh.

...and yes you are selling them. but hey, for now they are your kids, you can do what you please.

 

[milspecgirl]

sigh**************..

yes

 

[enigma_38]

Gee, thanks all, I thought I googled for "free legal advice" not for "Have complete strangers judge me and make me feel worse"

 

[Antigone*]

Gee, thanks all, I thought I googled for "free legal advice" not for "Have complete strangers judge me and make me feel worse"

We did give you advice and if it feels bad, then you might want to rethink what you are contemplating.

 

[justalayman]

So basically what you're saying is if I go thru with this I need to trust that she will continue to allow me to see the kids because I will have absolutely NO legal rights to them anymore.

Need to trust? It appears she doesn't make any real attempts to urge them to maintain contact with you now. What makes you think you would have any contact with them after you relinquished your parental rights?

But basically, yes, you would have no right to contact them, at all. They would be as much of a stranger, legally speaking, as my children are to you.

If you relinquish your parental rights, you should plan on never seeing the children unless they wish to seek you out after they become adults. It may not be that bad but I would plan on it being that bad. If that doesn't set right with you, do not relinquish your parental rights.

and a free ride at a community college? Come on. That is nothing, in the big picture anyway.

 

[milspecgirl]

and a free ride at a community college? Come on. That is nothing, in the big picture anyway.

EXACTLY. a free ride to Harvard************** another story. But, a comm college? Heck, they can probably get enough financial aid or scholarships or grants to cover comm college. And, I would check on that anyways cause most schools that offer that benefit include stepchildren. I think she may be leaving that little tidbit out to get you to do what she wants.

 

[momofrose]

Ok, first of all I am NOT selling my kids! Perhaps I was a bit too vague with the details of my situation in my initial posting.
The children are 13 and 11. I live in Florida while they reside in NY. I never hear from them unless it is father's day or my birthday other than that if I want to talk to them I always have to call them. They love me they just don't really have any interest in maintaining a relationship in those ways because that's the way they were raised. I am working again but I earn less than half of my previous salary and it is hard for me to afford the child support that then leaves me with very little money to be able to fly up to see them or to fly them down to see me. The other major point of contention is her new husband is a professor in a local community college. As a provision of the college any children of his can go to college for free. An advantage I cannot provide for them. I am not selling my kids I am trying to do what I think is truly in the best interests of their future.
So basically what you're saying is if I go thru with this I need to trust that she will continue to allow me to see the kids because I will have absolutely NO legal rights to them anymore.
In addition I should have her settle the issue of any back CS BEFORE I sign anything that would relinquish my rights to the kids?

Your kids are old enough to realize that you are their dad and step-dad is step-dad. If an adoption does go forwaard - they are also old enough to realize that you wished to no longer be their father (whatever your rationalization is).

If he adopts - he is then the father and you willh ave no legal standing to see or sommunicate with them until they are of legal age.

I get that your child support is behind, and I get that you do no reside close to them (whose fault was that?)..but there are plenty of parents who go above and beyond to make a parenting plan work - seems to me you are just waiting by the phone hoping they might call -

It is up to YOU to accomodate these children and up to YOU to facilitate a relationship with them. How about you do something about it rather than signing away your kids???

 

[LeemonGator]

..... and the fact that you are behind in child support has nothing to do with the rights you have to be their father.

Irrelevant.

 

[Proserpina]

Antigone,

In my state (not relevant to OP's question), that is precisely what can cause you to lose parental rights. More importantly, in many states if you fail to pay child support over a set amount of time there is a rebuttal assumption that you've failed in your duties as a parent.

In my opinion, courts value child support payments very much. In Kansas, you could emotionally abandon your kid 365 days a year, but if you pay child support, a stepparent cannot strip your rights.

None of which is relevant to THIS thread.