fiance's ex-wife is dying, How do I adopt kids?

My fiance's ex-wife has been diagnosed teriminal cancer. We live in Georgia and she has declared residency with her family in FL during her chemo treatments. The 2 boys (ages 6 & 8) lived with their mother until the diagnosis, when they came to live with us.

Upon her death, I'd like to legally adopt the 2 boys and am hearing that "Adoption as Second Parent" is an option. She will die this summer and we're getting married next spring.

The reason to adopt the kids, is if something happens to my fiance before we're married, there is no next legal guardian and they might go to the courts, as we understand it.

Do we need to be married to adopt the kids? Would it be better/easier if we were? What am I forgetting to ask? Where do we go?

Thanks for your help!

[stealth2]

Yes, you'd need to be married. But before you rush off and do this, stop and think what it might feel like to the boys to have this done in a rush on the heels of their mother's death. I would think they might resent the hell out of you. Surely there are other family members who could step in should something happen to Dad.

Thank you for the reply. Our plan was to "secretly" get married this summer, have me adopt the kids, have our ceremony & reception next spring for our friends & family. We were trying to determine if we had to be married for me to adopt the kids. I doubt resentment will be an issue, it's a logical decision of protection, which is what parents do.

Now, where do we go? Do we have to be married for XX amount of time? How much is it? How long is the process?

Thanks!

[stealth2]

I know most states have a waiting period - I don't know details, but 1 year seems to be the amount I've seen tossed around.

What seems logical to you and your fiance, may not seem at all logical, normal, or even interesting to kids whose mother has died. There IS no logic in that situation. What they are likely to see is this new woman of Dad's rushing in to take their Mom's place. Whether you are or not - that would be a hugely normal reaction. I would tread very carefully.

[enjay]

I agree with momma. I know you have the best interests of the kids at heart, but tread lightly. They may not react immediately, but they will eventually. Their mom is dying and they aren't going to immediately want a new one. Let them grieve, then make decisions. Allow them to be involved.

[haiku]

"Upon her death, I'd like to legally adopt the 2 boys and am hearing that "Adoption as Second Parent" is an option. She will die this summer and we're getting married next spring. "

It is not even may yet... words cannot express, how, well, callous this post is, even if it is meant well...

maybe you and your husband have no feeling for this woman, I don't know, but I really feel now is not the time for what you are planning....

[stealth2]

I will say that this is one of those posts that gives me the gut feeling is meant in every good sense. It really is premature - there's no saying that she may or may not die this summer... it's impossible to tell. But the kids need to be handled with kid gloves as this is a tragedy (the death, not the adoption) for them, and they *are* likely to take it (the adoption, not the death) in every possible wrong way. There really is no way of making it better, and rushing an adoption - no matter what the best intentions may be - will ultimately be a disaster.

[haiku]

yes, I do want to stress, I truly meant no disrespect to the poster, but just wanted her to see how it may look to some. (me)

that when this tragedy comes it may be best for her to focus on these boys just becoming part of her family, then working towards the wedding. (something that they may want the boys to participate in, at that time to give them a good memory)

the adoption can come later, and can then be something to celebrate.

I am the finace and the father of the children. What my fiance was asking was for legal advice, i.e. this is a legal advice website. She was not asking for morale opinions. But since people have begun to reply as such I will make some facts known before anyone else judges us, thank you Haiku.
My ex wife had the children upon our divorce and had lived in NC while I lived in GA. My oldest son has Cerebral Palsy. My ex wife chose not to work and instead live off of the child support I paid each month and the disability the he received from Social Security. Her health situation had caused her to be unable to work in the last year though. What she did in that last year was hide her condition from everyone. It caused her memory to be affected to the point of leaving notes around the house to remember things like brushing her teeth, picking the kids up from school, and giving my son his medicine.
Do not judge anyone before you know the whole situation. Both children have done worlds better since moving with us. They have both asked if they can call my fiance Mom since being here. We have told them they should just call her by her name right now. We have made trips to see their Mom and we call her at least every other day.
The situation at her house with them was abusive in some cases. Things I was never aware of have since come to light. Everything we do now is to protect them. We have rules for the family to include no hitting, even by the adults, that means no spanking. That is so they don't feel the fear of physical treatment. We have rules of no bad language.
On our last trip to visit their mom she made the statement to our one son, "I know they won't hit you but I will." My son replied, "but that is one of our rules." She replied, "Well it's not one of mine." And then she laughed as though it were acceptable.
With that I ask people to stop judging our decision and provide the legal advice we asked for initially.
Thank you

Before I finished my last post I see others were added. Let me give some more facts. My ex wife has terminal cancer, very aggressive terminal cancer, chemo is not working and they are going to stop using it. The most time she has is 6 months but the doctor's at Mayo say 6 months is a million to one shot at best.
Is there anger and frustration with her from me? Yes, and with right. Do the kids see that or know those feelings exist? No.
When we found out they were coming here we did several things. We put new carpet in the house because of my son's disabilities and the time the kids spend playing on the floor. We bought a whole new room of furniture for them. We put pictures of their Mom all over the room for them.
We have kept their teachers aware of the situation so they can help with the emotions that will arise. We go to church every Sunday even though I did not go often before this so that they will have a religious base for stability and understanding in God and Heaven. This will help them to know Mommy is in a good place when the time has come.
And prior to this the kids were already going to be a part of the wedding. And they are already a part of my family and my fiance's family. They call my fiance's parents Grandma and Grandpa and they know our house is now home.
I may feel a certain way about my ex, but those feelings are not without cause or history. The difference is the kids will never know them. The emotional side of all of this has been everyone's concern from day one.

[stealth2]

Fine - I already provided that (legal info). There is usually a waiting period. My understanding is it's around a year or more. After marriage. So if you married tomorrow, she'd still not be able to adopt (edit - she would not be able to adopt until the waiting period was finished).

Quite frankly - if it was all that bad - wtf didn't you file for a change in custody?

Because Momma tiger, as I stated I was not aware of the entire situation. My ex wife told me at one point she had bought them new beds. In reality she had bought box springs and mattresses, not beds. She would lie, she hid her condition by writing reminder notes. I was in another state and had no first hand view of the situation.
So now you are going to try and blame me, thankyou for the emotional support you profess I should be providing the children.
I live in GA because I was the sole financial support for her and the children. I had a job lined up in GA. I ended up sacrificing alot to make sure I could pay more then the court ordered amount so that they could live without financial worries.
We would meet halfway in SC when I would take the kids for weekends and vacations. It must be easy to blame me for the offenses she committed. Is that because she is dying that she gets the eyes turned away from her and on to me? Step back and view the whole picture.
It feels so good to open your heart and emotions to people for help, assistance and advice and in return to brow beaten. I pray to God that you never have to face a situation even remotely close to what we have. But if you do, I hope you display even 10% of the love, courage, and caring that my fiance has shown me and my children.

Anyhow, everything I've read says a year, but I couldn't find anything for Georgia specifically. I would contact an attorney either way, as well as your local DCFS agency to see how Georgia might have more strict/loose guidelines. In addition, depending on if you have custody legally or not, home visits etc. might or might not be waved.

[stealth2]

What I find interesting is how nothing negative was said until after your fiancee found out she'd not be able to adopt the kids until afterr you were married for roughly a year (or more). That's when the negativity came out.

Long and short - your fiancee will not be able to adopt your children until roughly a year following your marriage. If your ex is still alive, not without her consent.

[Seanscott]

Thaicigar - Far too often on this forum posters tend to get a little personal. I applaud you & your fiance for wanting to protect your children. Some posters are sincerely interested in their welfare also. Please understand that and don't take it the wrong way, nobody intentionally means to insult you.

The waiting period can be waived by the judge if he feels it is the correct thing to do. The adoption process may take up to a year to complete, even if there is no opposition. Get married and file a petition to adopt immediately after the marriage.

The state's Child Services may require a home study be done, and a criminal background check will be run on your fiance.

By the time the adoption is finalized, your waiting period will be nearly up anyway.

Good luck to you & your family.