How to adopt my friends children who are in foster care.

[Elindsey]

West Virginia,
My friend has children who have been in foster care for the past 14 months while she went to treatment to learn how to stay out of abusive situations and got of pain medication. Her last boyfriend went to jail because of the abuse. she is engaged to a man now who is clean. She has been clean of drugs for 6 months but today the judge told her she had no more extensions. she had done too little too late. She has asked me, a friend, to adopt her children. I am told that I have no rights and she has no rights to decide. Many people from the foster families church group want to adopt these children because they have gotten to know them and love them over the past 14 months. the children are 18 months and 28 months. They say I have no kinship because they would not recognize me or know me after 14 months and therefore they will probably go to the families that have gotten to know them in foster care. Why do I have no rights? Why doesn't my friend have rights to choose? Why could these children not have stayed in the area so that they continue to get to know their cousins, friends and our friends church family. that does not seem right to me. They knew when they put them in the foster family that the family would not adopt them. Shouldn't the mother have a say? Can she give legal gaurdianship to me since we cannot prove kinship because they have been gone so long? What should I do to get these children. I would pass all the background checks and am going through the foster care program and am told their are no gaurantees that I will get them. Where do you suggest I turn to get these children. they also belong with their church family and their cousins and grandma. Grandma is unable to adopt them at this point.
Thanks,
Liz

[seniorjudge]

Originally Posted by Elindsey

West Virginia,
My friend has children who have been in foster care for the past 14 months while she went to treatment to learn how to stay out of abusive situations and got of pain medication. Her last boyfriend went to jail because of the abuse. she is engaged to a man now who is clean. She has been clean of drugs for 6 months but today the judge told her she had no more extensions. she had done too little too late. She has asked me, a friend, to adopt her children. I am told that I have no rights and she has no rights to decide. Many people from the foster families church group want to adopt these children because they have gotten to know them and love them over the past 14 months. the children are 18 months and 28 months. They say I have no kinship because they would not recognize me or know me after 14 months and therefore they will probably go to the families that have gotten to know them in foster care. Why do I have no rights? Why doesn't my friend have rights to choose? Why could these children not have stayed in the area so that they continue to get to know their cousins, friends and our friends church family. that does not seem right to me. They knew when they put them in the foster family that the family would not adopt them. Shouldn't the mother have a say? Can she give legal gaurdianship to me since we cannot prove kinship because they have been gone so long? What should I do to get these children. I would pass all the background checks and am going through the foster care program and am told their are no gaurantees that I will get them. Where do you suggest I turn to get these children. they also belong with their church family and their cousins and grandma. Grandma is unable to adopt them at this point.
Thanks,
Liz

Liz, what is the very first thing you think we will want to know?

Answer what we will want to know right off.

If you don't know what it is, then you have no business adopting these kids.

[Elindsey]

To be honest I do not know exactly what the first thing you will want to know is. I think that there are several things that tie together with the top being; What is best for the children, where will they be loved and taken care of the most and feel the safest, where will they have permancy, where will these children have a true home and family and not be afraid they are going to be moved one more place, who will get up in the middle of the night and quiet their fears or take them at a moments notice to the Dr., who will teach them values, who will teach them of a birth mother who loved them enough to fight for them but was wise enough to request a home where she knew they would be loved and safe and taught their culture and heritage. Who will attend their piano recitals or football games, go to their high school and college graduations, who will help them develop the confidence to stand up and do what is right and make right decisions, who will help them strive for the potential in them because they know they have a family who loves them and stands behind them always. Whose home is a safe haven so that at the end of the day, or at anytime these children will feel they can come home and feel loved and safe. I feel in my heart that these children will be loved and safe and given the utmost in our home. I, my husband and my children are willing to learn anything we need to to help make this happen.
Liz

[BelizeBreeze]

Originally Posted by Elindsey

To be honest I do not know exactly what the first thing you will want to know is. I think that there are several things that tie together with the top being; What is best for the children, where will they be loved and taken care of the most and feel the safest, where will they have permancy, where will these children have a true home and family and not be afraid they are going to be moved one more place, who will get up in the middle of the night and quiet their fears or take them at a moments notice to the Dr., who will teach them values, who will teach them of a birth mother who loved them enough to fight for them but was wise enough to request a home where she knew they would be loved and safe and taught their culture and heritage. Who will attend their piano recitals or football games, go to their high school and college graduations, who will help them develop the confidence to stand up and do what is right and make right decisions, who will help them strive for the potential in them because they know they have a family who loves them and stands behind them always. Whose home is a safe haven so that at the end of the day, or at anytime these children will feel they can come home and feel loved and safe. I feel in my heart that these children will be loved and safe and given the utmost in our home. I, my husband and my children are willing to learn anything we need to to help make this happen.
Liz

There's your HINT.

[stealth2]

I, personally, see several problems. For one, the children have been in a certain community with a certain group of people who they have grown to know for over a year. A judge is going to be loathe to tear them away from that (apparently) stable environment to place them with what are basically strangers.

Secondly, you are apparently quite friendly with the birth mother and it's reasonable to assume that you will continue that friendship with her. That's going to be darned confusing - and could ultimately be disruptive - to these children. Who will she be in their life? How will she handle being part of their life, but not their parent? Is she going to relapse into drug use (with a TPR, it wouldn't surprise me - even if the children are adopted by someone she chooses)?

In addition, a judge is going to want to know, if there was such huge concern and interest in the children, why was nothing done prior to the state having to remove them from their mother's care? And why were steps towards becoming licensed foster parents not taken immediately?

As for why Mom isn't being given a choice of adoptive parents, she's already proven to the court that her judgement is lacking.

[BelizeBreeze]

Originally Posted by stealth2

I, personally, see several problems. For one, the children have been in a certain community with a certain group of people who they have grown to know for over a year. A judge is going to be loathe to tear them away from that (apparently) stable environment to place them with what are basically strangers.

Secondly, you are apparently quite friendly with the birth mother and it's reasonable to assume that you will continue that friendship with her. That's going to be darned confusing - and could ultimately be disruptive - to these children. Who will she be in their life? How will she handle being part of their life, but not their parent? Is she going to relapse into drug use (with a TPR, it wouldn't surprise me - even if the children are adopted by someone she chooses)?

In addition, a judge is going to want to know, if there was such huge concern and interest in the children, why was nothing done prior to the state having to remove them from their mother's care? And why were steps towards becoming licensed foster parents not taken immediately?

As for why Mom isn't being given a choice of adoptive parents, she's already proven to the court that her judgement is lacking.

AND???????????

What is Missing from the poster's statement of fact?

[Zephyr]

where is the rest of the family- maternal or paternal grandparents, aunts. uncles?

[BelizeBreeze]

Originally Posted by Zephyr

where is the rest of the family- maternal or paternal grandparents, aunts. uncles?

or maybe****************************

THE FATHER??????????????????????????

[stealth2]

I extrapolated from "Her last boyfriend went to jail because of the abuse" and the presumed timeline that it was Dad who went to jail.

[seniorjudge]

Originally Posted by BelizeBreeze

or maybe****************************

THE FATHER??????????????????????????

My point exactly.

No one ever mentioned anything about him.

[Elindsey]

I understand all of those points. Yes, father is in jail. His mother and the mothers family have not been able to pass homestudies. We honestly thought that she would get her children back as she has made huge strides in getting her life together. She turned herself into a drug rehab center and goes in weekly, on her own, to get blood tests. She has been to NA and seeing an abuse counselor on a regular basis. I am friends with her mother and was brought into the situation about 2 months ago. I have a casual acquaintance with the birth mother. She understands that she will not see the children as it will confuse them but they will still get to see grandma and cousins and friends here at church. The birth mother attends another congregation. If we are allowed to adopt these children I will be the mother, I will decide with guidance and couseling and my own instincts what is appropriate for these children. Either way they will be taken out of the environment they have been in for the past several months. They have been in two foster families.
Liz

[BelizeBreeze]

Originally Posted by Elindsey

I understand all of those points. Yes, father is in jail. His mother and the mothers family have not been able to pass homestudies. We honestly thought that she would get her children back as she has made huge strides in getting her life together. She turned herself into a drug rehab center and goes in weekly, on her own, to get blood tests. She has been to NA and seeing an abuse counselor on a regular basis. I am friends with her mother and was brought into the situation about 2 months ago. I have a casual acquaintance with the birth mother. She understands that she will not see the children as it will confuse them but they will still get to see grandma and cousins and friends here at church. The birth mother attends another congregation. If we are allowed to adopt these children I will be the mother, I will decide with guidance and couseling and my own instincts what is appropriate for these children. Either way they will be taken out of the environment they have been in for the past several months. They have been in two foster families.
Liz

And none of this changes the fact that you have no rights to the child UNLESS and UNTIL the father AND mother's rights are terminated and ALL possible biological relatives have said they do not wish guardianship.

[stealth2]

I really don't see you having a chance. That one of the family has been able to meet the standards is going to weigh negatively in the eyes of the court with regard to continued involvement of the family in these children's lives.

[Elindsey]

I guess I am not communicating completely. I met the mother about 4 years ago when I moved here. Her mother has been a good friend of mine and we have worked so ####### getting her daughter through this and getting her healthy and strong enough to be a good mother. The children were taken out of her home mostly because of the abuse of the boyfriends and father to the mother. She then told them she was addicted to pain medication. she checked herself into the treatment facility and has been clean for 9 months. They tell her they are afraid she will go back to an abusive situation. She is engaged to a man who is not abusive. They have not done a background check on this man but he has had a steady, good job for several years and claims to have a clean background and I would tend to believe him. She met him about a year ago. she has gotten so much stronger. she always took care of her children in the fact that they always had food, were bathed regularly, she never raised her voice to them. She was the one who finally came forward and said that the father had abused her, (not the children). Her lawyer told her last month that she should voluntarily relinquish her rights even though her past few MDT meetings had been very positive. She was so confused. Everything had been so positive until that point. That point is when she asked if I could adopt her children if her family could not pass the homestudy checks. Her family members did not pass. The childrens first foster parents did not take care of the children and that is why they were moved to another family. She did not ask me to take the children for her to have contact with them but because she trusts me, she knows they will be loved and safe. She loves her children. The judge most likely will terminate the rights of the mother on Jan. 19. The certification meetings to do foster care or adopt don't start until January. I nor any of the other families from the foster care families church will be cerified by that time. I would like to do anything that I can to get these children. do you have any suggestions at all. The grandparents would love for me to have the children and most of the caseworkers feel good about it. The mothers caseworker says there is a good chance I could get them but I am competing with all the other families that will be in the same training and I have several strikes against me as they have not been in our community, they were too small to remember me from when I did see them and I was not allowed to attend visitations. Grandma has only been allowed to visitation for the past 3 visits. I have six children of my own. But, I have several factors going for me as that I have 6 of the best children in the state of West Virginia. We live in a new home that has plenty of room. My oldest daugher is away at college and they may be able to get a waiver to place the children in my home as they are a sibling group, My husband has a great job, I am a stay at home mother that is very involved in her childrens lives. My question is....what is the most I can do to get these children? I do not know the laws. If you were my lawyer what way would you proceed to help me get these children. My bishop is a lawyer in the prosecuting attorneys office. He would represent me but it would be a conflict of interest. He has given me the names of lawyers in the county the childrens mother is in. I just want to get all the information I can to be educated on what direction to go. Is there any hope or am I beating my head against a wall?
Thanks for your input and patience.
Liz