I want to reverse the adoption of my son.

[ThunderSAJ]

New Jersey



I live in New Jersey and I adopted my son when he was just a few years old. He is now 14 years old and I want to reverse the adoption.

Before you yell at me and make nasty notes and emails to me please hear me out and know why I want to do this.

My wife and I got married in 1988. We separated in 1989 and stayed apart for 3 years. In that time she had another child. A Son… The father took off and abandon them. On Thanksgiving 1993 my wife and I decided to try and make our marriage work. I agreed to forgive and all she did as well. We discussed with the natural father the possibility of me adopting his son and making our family whole. He agreed and on Oct 31 1995 I adopted him and changed his name to mine. The natural father signed over ALL right to me.

All done and legal right?

My wife and I just got divorced this year. Just days ago. I successfully proved in court that she had been having a more then 5 year affair. Can you guess with whom? The natural father of the child I adopted.

As it turns out, my adopted son wants nothing to do with me now and is angry and feels I kept him from knowing his birth father. He and I do not talk anymore and he refers to me as “a father by piece of paper only”.

My now ex-wife will not marry the man, this is so I can keep paying the un-godly amount of child support so they can be the happy family with a second income.

Basically I was used to provide all the needs of a child while the natural father gets off Scott Free! NOW I am still being used. While their relationship now goes on I am left paying child support for a child that technically is not mine and the father is sleeping with his mother. Proven…

Is there anything I can do to get myself out of this situation? A situation that as a loving father I put myself in to begin with. I just don’t want to be their meal ticket anymore while I am left struggling to make ends meet…

Thanks for any help you can provide.
Signed, Sucker…What is the name of your state?

[Blue Meanie]

He is yours and there is nothing you can do about it.

You COULD file for custody/visitation and try to repair the damage to your relationship ....

[CourtClerk]

Originally Posted by ThunderSAJ

New Jersey



I live in New Jersey and I adopted my son when he was just a few years old. He is now 14 years old and I want to reverse the adoption.

Before you yell at me and make nasty notes and emails to me please hear me out and know why I want to do this.

My wife and I got married in 1988. We separated in 1989 and stayed apart for 3 years. In that time she had another child. A Son… The father took off and abandon them. On Thanksgiving 1993 my wife and I decided to try and make our marriage work. I agreed to forgive and all she did as well. We discussed with the natural father the possibility of me adopting his son and making our family whole. He agreed and on Oct 31 1995 I adopted him and changed his name to mine. The natural father signed over ALL right to me.

That's usually how it works.

All done and legal right?

Absolutely

My wife and I just got divorced this year. Just days ago. I successfully proved in court that she had been having a more then 5 year affair. Can you guess with whom? The natural father of the child I adopted.

As it turns out, my adopted son wants nothing to do with me now and is angry and feels I kept him from knowing his birth father. He and I do not talk anymore and he refers to me as “a father by piece of paper only”.

You and your son need counseling...

My now ex-wife will not marry the man, this is so I can keep paying the un-godly amount of child support so they can be the happy family with a second income.

Actually, even if she DID marry him, you'd still have to pay child support. It's your child.

Basically I was used to provide all the needs of a child while the natural father gets off Scott Free! NOW I am still being used. While their relationship now goes on I am left paying child support for a child that technically is not mine and the father is sleeping with his mother. Proven…

Technically and LEGALLY... this child IS yours. That's what the adoption decree says

Is there anything I can do to get myself out of this situation?

Not a thing

A situation that as a loving father I put myself in to begin with. I just don’t want to be their meal ticket anymore while I am left struggling to make ends meet…

Thanks for any help you can provide.
Signed, Sucker…What is the name of your state?

Sorry, but this is now your child. She's a piece of work, but you're on the hook. You can't undo an adoption.

[penny4u]

If you're such a "loving father"...then why are you letting a 14 year old who is YOUR SON dictate your relationship with him? Doesn't matter what his mom is doing. You adopted this child presumingly because you loved him and wanted to parent him...right? That's forever. You knew that when you signed. His mother could be with his bio dad or anyone else in the world and you would still have to pay child support because you are his father.

It's time to "Man Up"

[LdiJ]

I honestly do understand your frustration. Your wife has been carrying on a long term affair with the biological father of the child, and is now with him, yet you are responsible for child support. You are not the first father to be in that position, and you undoubtedly won't be the last.

However, the bottom line is that the boy is legally YOUR son. You can either enforce your parental rights and work on repairing the relationship, or you can let it go. However, I suspect that the boy deep down, would want you to fight for him. Its your choice.

[milspecgirl]

the best thing you can do is fight for your son. if you just walk away and continue paying- they really win. you and your son need counseling and you need to PROVE you love him and you ARE HIS FATHER

[nextwife]

Originally Posted by ThunderSAJ

My wife and I got married in 1988. We separated in 1989 and stayed apart for 3 years. In that time she had another child. A Son… The father took off and abandon them. On Thanksgiving 1993 my wife and I decided to try and make our marriage work. I agreed to forgive and all she did as well. . . .
My wife and I just got divorced this year. Just days ago. I successfully proved in court that she had been having a more then 5 year affair. Can you guess with whom? The natural father of the child I adopted.

The whole concept of any parents in an already UNSTABLE relationship proceeding to either try to get pregnant or to adopt to attempt to "save" the marriage is RIDICULOUS.

Parents in a shaky relationship have NO BUSINESS adopting anyone. If they didn't hand out step-parent adoptions like candy, and gave then the same scrutiny that a normal adoption would get, such as a home study, interviews with the parents and others about the parents, their relationship, etc, the odds are this adoption would never have occurred. After all, you had just been SEPERATED three years. WE would never have been allowed to adopt our daughter if we had just been seperated three years.

It's a done deal, and frankly, you should never have rushed to adopt after a long seperation like that. Adoptions should only be done to BETTER the child's situation AND GIVE THEM more STABILITY AND LOVE. And it should have nothing to do with what the spouses choice of birthparent for their other kid did or did not do- it should be about the family unit and what becoming a family unit with the child will do for them, other than make someone else responsible to support them

[Gracie3787]

Although I don't agree with the OP's ideas, I am wondering about something, and maybe you might know the answer.

If it is legal for a bio parent to voluntarily relinquish rights for a step parent adoption, then would it also be legal for an adoptive parent to voluntarily relinquish their rights for a step parent (actually former legal parent) adoption?

I know this wouldn't apply in OP's case because the mother isn't married to the former father, but it made me curious about what would happen in a situation like OP's except that the mother was married to the former father.

[nextwife]

Originally Posted by Gracie3787

Although I don't agree with the OP's ideas, I am wondering about something, and maybe you might know the answer.

If it is legal for a bio parent to voluntarily relinquish rights for a step parent adoption, then would it also be legal for an adoptive parent to voluntarily relinquish their rights for a step parent (actually former legal parent) adoption?

I know this wouldn't apply in OP's case because the mother isn't married to the former father, but it made me curious about what would happen in a situation like OP's except that the mother was married to the former father.

Don't want to hijak, but, yes, legally, it is conceivable that there could be, say, a subsequent step adoption. If, for example, ex wife married her current guy, and all parties actually AGREED about a step parent adoption (in this case, the new step parent is actually the bioparent), that step dad could potentially adopt his "wife's son.

WHEW! That sounded like one of those convaluted Dickensonian plots!

[Gracie3787]

Originally Posted by nextwife

WHEW! That sounded like one of those convaluted Dickensonian plots!

LOL, or, a Maury, or Jerry Springer episode.

[ThunderSAJ]

Originally Posted by penny4u

If you're such a "loving father"...then why are you letting a 14 year old who is YOUR SON dictate your relationship with him? Doesn't matter what his mom is doing. You adopted this child presumingly because you loved him and wanted to parent him...right? That's forever. You knew that when you signed. His mother could be with his bio dad or anyone else in the world and you would still have to pay child support because you are his father.

It's time to "Man Up"

I forgot how easy it is to be outside looking in.

Thank you for your Frank advice regarding my situation.

I should have mentioned. We went to counseling for 7 months. It was the councilor he told he only sees me as a father by piece of paper only. His mother supports his position. She won’t force him to go to counseling. Court ordered him to go. The 14 year old SON, refused to follow the court orders. He was taken back to court and he told the judge in open court, “You can tell me to go all you want, if you make me I will just sit there and never speak. You can not order me to speak!”

That is his resolve to end this. He feels robed of knowing his REAL father by myself and his mother. His mother explained to him that I thought it was a bad idea to know such an abusive man.

Trust me when I tell you, there is allot to this story you do not know. I am creating a web site and posting all of my court cases and results and testimony. When it is done I will post the link. After reviewing it, seeing all sides, one might then be able to question my resolve and Love to NOT end the adoption to the point I am simply the meal ticket for a new couple.

As for “Manning up”
I admit that as a 22 year old idiot I made a mistake when courts permitted a couple that just got back to together to adopt her child. But from then until now some 14 years later I have been a dedicated responsible father. I pay the child support as order and I took very good to spoiled care of him until now. I think I am man enough for my skin…

Thank You for your advise.

[ThunderSAJ]

Originally Posted by nextwife

The whole concept of any parents in an already UNSTABLE relationship proceeding to either try to get pregnant or to adopt to attempt to "save" the marriage is RIDICULOUS.

Parents in a shaky relationship have NO BUSINESS adopting anyone. If they didn't hand out step-parent adoptions like candy, and gave then the same scrutiny that a normal adoption would get, such as a home study, interviews with the parents and others about the parents, their relationship, etc, the odds are this adoption would never have occurred. After all, you had just been SEPERATED three years. WE would never have been allowed to adopt our daughter if we had just been seperated three years.

It's a done deal, and frankly, you should never have rushed to adopt after a long seperation like that. Adoptions should only be done to BETTER the child's situation AND GIVE THEM more STABILITY AND LOVE. And it should have nothing to do with what the spouses choice of birthparent for their other kid did or did not do- it should be about the family unit and what becoming a family unit with the child will do for them, other than make someone else responsible to support them

Our relationship was back together for two years when I adopted her child. We did not adopt to “save the relationship” we were already doing that. It just did not work out 14 years later. 14 years… not bad for a try.

But yes you are correct. A 22 year old stupid kid made a mistake back then. I was just inquiring as to what to do about.

I got some Frank advise already to just be “A Man” and deal with it. I am sure this will be the end result and I will continue to be the father now through child support and let him come to me when he is ready.

Thank You for your advise.

[Accountable]

How long has your son felt this way? Early teens are a very tough time. Your son clearly is feeling rejected by his natural father and is apparently taking it out on you. My guess is that the slime ball that is his natural father will show his true colors and bail again. Hang in there and do your duty as the legal father of this child. Once he's older, perhaps he will see who his REAL father really is.