Niece of Nephew adoption

[KatCozzens]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

My sister in law offered to have a baby for me and my husband because I can no longer have children due to some health issues. We are going to start planning for this new baby in December of this year so we will hopefully have the baby toward the end of next year. The baby would biologically be my sister in law and her husband's baby but they are both willing to bless us with a baby of our own. They are both located in Pennsylvania and my husband and I are in upstate New York. Together, my sister in law and her husband now have 3 children together and do not have plans to parent any more children of their own. My question is what will we all have to do in order to make the baby mine and my husband's legally? Do we have to have an attorney to draw up the agreement or is it something that we can do on our own and have it brought before a judge? Any advice would be most helpful! Thank you.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

My sister in law offered to have a baby for me and my husband because I can no longer have children due to some health issues. We are going to start planning for this new baby in December of this year so we will hopefully have the baby toward the end of next year. The baby would biologically be my sister in law and her husband's baby but they are both willing to bless us with a baby of our own. They are both located in Pennsylvania and my husband and I are in upstate New York. Together, my sister in law and her husband now have 3 children together and do not have plans to parent any more children of their own. My question is what will we all have to do in order to make the baby mine and my husband's legally? Do we have to have an attorney to draw up the agreement or is it something that we can do on our own and have it brought before a judge? Any advice would be most helpful! Thank you.

You need to meet with a lawyer who specializes in reproductive/adoption/surrogacy. If your sister in law and her husband have sex to have this child, you will have NO CLAIM to it. You need an attorney. Do not proceed at all without an attorney.

 

[KatCozzens]

I thought that might be the case. So with an attorney and with both parties consenting, then when she has the baby (which she's not pregnant as of yet) then when it's ready to come home it will come to us? Does that mean that mine and my husband's name will go on the baby's birth certificate?

 

[nextwife]

I agree that you need an attorney. You also should consider having this handled as a surrogacy so that the child is not biologically that of her or her husband.

 

[KatCozzens]

We aren't able to afford something like that or I would be able to carry it myself doing IVF. The only reason we cannot have our own is because I don't have the tubes anymore to be able to become pregnant, and neither of our insurances will cover something like that. My husband and I didn't ask her to do this for us, she offered and said that her and her husband would have one for us which we are very appreciative of. The only thing I worry about with the whole thing is that while she's pregnant will she gain that attachment like mothers do when they are pregnant. I know when I was pregnant with my daughter I became attached as soon as I found out. I just am afraid of the heat break that's potentially there if she ends up not wanting to give the baby up. Is that wrong for me? Would having an attorney prevent her from being able to keep the baby once she has it? And if she does end up wanting to keep it but cannot because of the contract, I don't think I could honestly take the baby from her knowing how she felt. What do you think? I told her all this and she all but yelled at me and told me she offered and if anyone deserved a baby it was me and my husband and that she WANTED to do it for us....

 

[Proserpina]

We aren't able to afford something like that or I would be able to carry it myself doing IVF. The only reason we cannot have our own is because I don't have the tubes anymore to be able to become pregnant, and neither of our insurances will cover something like that. My husband and I didn't ask her to do this for us, she offered and said that her and her husband would have one for us which we are very appreciative of. The only thing I worry about with the whole thing is that while she's pregnant will she gain that attachment like mothers do when they are pregnant. I know when I was pregnant with my daughter I became attached as soon as I found out. I just am afraid of the heat break that's potentially there if she ends up not wanting to give the baby up. Is that wrong for me? Would having an attorney prevent her from being able to keep the baby once she has it? And if she does end up wanting to keep it but cannot because of the contract, I don't think I could honestly take the baby from her knowing how she felt. What do you think? I told her all this and she all but yelled at me and told me she offered and if anyone deserved a baby it was me and my husband and that she WANTED to do it for us....

Either of them can change their minds generally right up until the consent forms are signed, and in NY, for a period after that.

http://tinyurl.com/NY-consent

 

[las365]

I'm sorry, but this is a terrible idea. I'm sure your SIL means well, but she's already getting angry at you for having these very legitimate concerns? And you will raise "her" child? Too many potential complications here, too many. Your child would be the biological child of your husband's sister and her brother, sibling to its "cousins," you can't keep that a secret and someone, somewhere along the line is going to bust out the "we/they are her/my REAL family." Are you ready for a lifetime of that?

I am serious, this sounds like a very bad plan.

 

[KatCozzens]

Now would that time period after still apply to people in Pennsylvania? And would that be where I would need an attorney since that's where they live? I'm sorry for all these questions I just want to know every possible thing I'll need to know.

Also, since we would be technically adopting the baby, would we need to go through a home study like you would in a normal adoption case? Or is it different since the parents are related to us and they want to give us the baby?

 

[Proserpina]

Now would that time period after still apply to people in Pennsylvania? And would that be where I would need an attorney since that's where they live? I'm sorry for all these questions I just want to know every possible thing I'll need to know.

That would have been helpful to know from the get-go

This is for PA:

§ 2711. Consents necessary to adoption.

(a) General Rule.--Except as otherwise provided in this part, consent to an adoption shall be required of the following:

The adoptee, if over 12 years of age.
The spouse of the adopting parent, unless they join in the adoption petition.
The parents or surviving parent of an adoptee who has not reached the age of 18 years.
The guardian of an incapacitated adoptee.
The guardian of the person of an adoptee under the age of 18 years, if any there be, or of the person or persons having the custody of the adoptee, if any such person can be found, whenever the adoptee has no parent whose consent is required.

(b) Husband of natural mother.--The consent of the husband of the mother shall not be necessary if, after notice to the husband, it is proved to the satisfaction of the court by evidence, including testimony of the natural mother, that the husband of the natural mother is not the natural father of the child. Absent such proof, the consent of a former husband of the natural mother shall be required if he was the husband of the natural mother at any time within one year prior to the birth of the adoptee.

(c) Validity of consent.--No consent shall be valid if it was executed prior to or within 72 hours after the birth of the child. A putative father may execute a consent at any time after receiving notice of the expected or actual birth of the child. Any consent given outside this Commonwealth shall be valid for purposes of this section if it was given in accordance with the laws of the jurisdiction where it was executed. A consent to an adoption may only be revoked prior to the earlier of either the entry of a decree of termination of parental rights or the entry of a decree of adoption. The revocation of a consent shall be in writing and shall be served upon the agency or adult to whom the child was relinquished.

Also, since we would be technically adopting the baby, would we need to go through a home study like you would in a normal adoption case? Or is it different since the parents are related to us and they want to give us the baby?

You would have to follow state law, which generally does require a home study. This IS a normal adoption case - you being related doesn't matter.

 

[KatCozzens]

I'm sorry, but this is a terrible idea. I'm sure your SIL means well, but she's already getting angry at you for having these very legitimate concerns? And you will raise "her" child? Too many potential complications here, too many. Your child would be the biological child of your husband's sister and her brother, sibling to its "cousins," you can't keep that a secret and someone, somewhere along the line is going to bust out the "we/they are her/my REAL family." Are you ready for a lifetime of that?

I am serious, this sounds like a very bad plan.

That has definitely been on my mind as well. The baby will grow up wondering why he or she doesn't look my 13 year old daughter and why he or she doesn't have Mommy's features like his or her sister does. My sister in law and her husband don't want the baby to know when it grows up that they are it's biological parents, yet as a mother, how can I NOT tell the baby this? There's going to be medical history that the baby will need to know about that is on his side of the family and certain medical concerns from MY side of the family that the baby won't have to worry about. Won't the baby want to know why there's no need to worry about those medical concerns? We aren't going to start hashing out details until December so there's enough time to really sit down and discuss these things. Thank you for bringing that up.

 

[nextwife]

Terrible idea. Use the money you'd have to spend on attorneys and home studies toward IVF and never lie to your child about their origins, if adopted. Being an adoptive child is not something to be ashamed of or to have the truth hidden away. If a child always knows they are adopted, looking different is just an accepted matter of fact.