Options for adoption when birth father won't cooperate.

[Proserpina]

She makes it a point to never bad-mouth the dad in front of her children; sometimes I don't know how she does it but she does. The father and adoption talk comes from the children (she has more than one). But the daughter's father is the worst and the most in need of adopting.

And my girlfriend had a history of bad men, but this was at a low point in her life a long time ago. She's grown into a strong powerful woman and has worked heavily on her low self-esteem and low self-confidence that led her to be attracted to piss quality men in the past. We have a very strong relationship. Not speaking from delusion, I can say very confidently that I will be the last "Dad."

Come back in three years when she's suing you for divorce and child support.

 

[ca1984]

What you believe is 100% irrelevant. I believe that stepparents - and you're not even at that level - should learn their place before trying to break up the relationship between the parent and the child.

If Dad is so bad, she'll learn it all by herself. She sure as heck doesn't need a legal stranger to do it on her behalf.

I HAVE earned my place by this daughter's side. The amount of blood, sweet and tears I have put into this relationship, the amount of emotional bonding and investment, the amount of sacrifice. It's far more than the biological ever did her entire life. And it's not for want of trying. The mother wanted her daughter to know her father, and the daughter desperately wanted love from her father. He hasn't been there except superficially for his own selfish reasons. Just because I'm not a legal stepparent does not mean this relationship is not real.

Perhaps you were never emotionally abused as a child so it's hard for you to empathize. I was, and so was my sister. It is devastating and life-altering. You become riddled with anxiety and develop a slew of mental health illnesses. Luckily, I was strong enough to find therapy and now that I'm thirty am able to function as a high level adult. My sister, unfortunately, is not as lucky. But I'm helping her with her own therapy and hopefully one day she'll come out the other side. I see the same emotional scars developing in this little girl as does my sister and perhaps this is where my urgency comes from.

 

[TheGeekess]

I HAVE earned my place by this daughter's side. The amount of blood, sweet and tears I have put into this relationship, the amount of emotional bonding and investment, the amount of sacrifice. It's far more than the biological ever did her entire life. And it's not for want of trying. The mother wanted her daughter to know her father, and the daughter desperately wanted love from her father. He hasn't been there except superficially for his own selfish reasons. Just because I'm not a legal stepparent does not mean this relationship is not real.

Perhaps you were never emotionally abused as a child so it's hard for you to empathize. I was, and so was my sister. It is devastating and life-altering. You become riddled with anxiety and develop a slew of mental health illnesses. Luckily, I was strong enough to find therapy and now that I'm thirty am able to function as a high level adult. My sister, unfortunately, is not as lucky. But I'm helping her with her own therapy and hopefully one day she'll come out the other side. I see the same emotional scars developing in this little girl as does my sister and perhaps this is where my urgency comes from.

If the child is 'developing emotional scars', mayhap she should already be in therapy.

Regardless of how much you love and cherish this child, you have as much legal right in this matter as a bunch of interwebs strangers.

 

[Proserpina]

I HAVE earned my place by this daughter's side. The amount of blood, sweet and tears I have put into this relationship, the amount of emotional bonding and investment, the amount of sacrifice. It's far more than the biological ever did her entire life. And it's not for want of trying. The mother wanted her daughter to know her father, and the daughter desperately wanted love from her father. He hasn't been there except superficially for his own selfish reasons. Just because I'm not a legal stepparent does not mean this relationship is not real.

Perhaps you were never emotionally abused as a child so it's hard for you to empathize. I was, and so was my sister. It is devastating and life-altering. You become riddled with anxiety and develop a slew of mental health illnesses. Luckily, I was strong enough to find therapy and now that I'm thirty am able to function as a high level adult. My sister, unfortunately, is not as lucky. But I'm helping her with her own therapy and hopefully one day she'll come out the other side. I see the same emotional scars developing in this little girl as does my sister and perhaps this is where my urgency comes from.

Nobody is saying that you don't love the child.

But you are not the parent; you have no rights whatsoever regarding this child. This is what you're not listening to. You don't get to judge him. You don't get to denigrate him. And despite what you may think, you can guarantee that this little girl is picking up on every last thing.

And before you ask? I'm a stepparent.

 

[ca1984]

Nobody is saying that you don't love the child.

But you are not the parent; you have no rights whatsoever regarding this child. This is what you're not listening to. You don't get to judge him. You don't get to denigrate him. And despite what you may think, you can guarantee that this little girl is picking up on every last thing.

And before you ask? I'm a stepparent.

No, I get that, I know I don't have any legal rights yet. But when I am a stepparent is there anything we will be able to do? I really hope the system isn't so screwed that the daughter will end up in therapy because of a court order that can't be reversed. Apparently he abandoned her for about 2-3 years a while back before I was in the picture, would have been a great time to revoke his rights for abandonment. Will our only option be to wait for something like that to happen again?

 

[Proserpina]

No, I get that, I know I don't have any legal rights yet. But when I am a stepparent is there anything we will be able to do? I really hope the system isn't so screwed that the daughter will end up in therapy because of a court order that can't be reversed. Apparently he abandoned her for about 2-3 years a while back before I was in the picture, would have been a great time to revoke his rights for abandonment. Will our only option be to wait for something like that to happen again?

Mom couldn't have had his rights terminated. It's just not as easy as looking at the statute to see if it fits; it becomes complex once you start looking at "no child support" versus "pays some, whenever he feels like it".

The bottom line is, even as a stepparent if Dad wants to be a Disney parent, a "one visit a month" parent, or any other type of parent there will be virtually no chance at an adoption unless Dad actually agrees.

Mom has been the primary parent for how many years now? What type of coping skills has she taught her child?

 

[Ohiogal]

My main concern is that I want this little girl, and yes Silverplum she is still a little girl, to stop being hurt and emotionally abused. I know we're not married yet, but we are in a very committed relationship and we're in this for life. I want to have the knowledge going into this family what it will take to stop this little girl from being hurt any more. I'm not asking for ridicule, I'm asking for the knowledge and foresight to prevent an innocent little girl from suffering at the hands of a court-appointed narcissistic bully. It's very easy to laugh and judge behind a keyboard, but I've had enough late-nights of sitting up with a truly wrecked sobbing little girl in my arms to last a lifetime. If I could make it stop in an instant I would, but I can't. I know we've got a long game to play ahead of us. I'm simply asking for help.

a) A child is a not a possession to own or possess.
b) You are overstepping severely.
c) In this for life? Mom has been in two relationships which I am sure she didn't think would end and yet they did.
d) You are quite frankly going to be accused of parental alienation at some point for your actions and attitudes.
e) So when was the child put in counseling?
f) This is not a game.
g) You need to step back and realize your place.

 

[Ohiogal]

She makes it a point to never bad-mouth the dad in front of her children; sometimes I don't know how she does it but she does. The father and adoption talk comes from the children (she has more than one). But the daughter's father is the worst and the most in need of adopting.

And my girlfriend had a history of bad men, but this was at a low point in her life a long time ago. She's grown into a strong powerful woman and has worked heavily on her low self-esteem and low self-confidence that led her to be attracted to piss quality men in the past. We have a very strong relationship. Not speaking from delusion, I can say very confidently that I will be the last "Dad."

I wouldn't say that at all. Your girlfriend is still leaning on you. Therefore she is NOT a different person. The daughter's father is not the worst. She chose to make him a daddy. You don't even comprehend the ignorant way in which you come across. She wants to play musical daddies because it is easier for her. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with mom being broken still. If she were strong and powerful, she would be able to parent the child regardless of father and not be looking for someone to be a daddy replacement.

Case in point, I note you didn't mention the child is in counseling. Fabulous. Which means this is not about the child but it is about you and mom.

 

[Ohiogal]

No, I get that, I know I don't have any legal rights yet. But when I am a stepparent is there anything we will be able to do? I really hope the system isn't so screwed that the daughter will end up in therapy because of a court order that can't be reversed. Apparently he abandoned her for about 2-3 years a while back before I was in the picture, would have been a great time to revoke his rights for abandonment. Will our only option be to wait for something like that to happen again?

Revoking his rights was not going to happen. Why? Because only the state can do that and they won't do that to b*stardize a child. No matter how much mommy's new toy wants it to happen.

 

[Ladyback1]

We decided we were going to follow the court orders to the letter and see what would happen. He is a grown adult and, according to the court, is capable of caring for his daughter without our help. If something came up he should let us know. Why is there no concern from you with the father? The father, who claims to care and love his daughter more than anything, left the state and informed no one! He hasn't spoken with his daughter in over a month.

As for knowing his history, he's picked up his daughter more or less successfully this past school year. There have been lots of hiccups but nothing this outright in a while.

ahhhh....so you intentionally set this child up to feel abandoned and alone. What a perfect way to cause emotional harm to a child! Way to go!
I certainly hope that the child is in counseling.

Dad is not here asking questions, or telling his side of the story. Thus, while I might have concerns regarding Dad's parenting skills, I cannot fully discern the situation.

You are here, thus I have concerns with your attitude.
1) you are not a step-parent. Cowboy up and marry your girlfriend, make it legal. You have no hope of adopting the child as just the boyfriend.
2) And when you are a step-parent and you attempt to adopt this child? I would suggest that you not mention the child support arrears, otherwise it looks like you are buying the child
3) why hasn't Mom gone back to court to modify the visitation, and why hasn't she gone to court regarding the arrears child support?

Mom needs to take some responsibility and take care of some things---and get the child in counseling!

 

[RRevak]

Look, you may think you have earned your place but quite frankly without a solid and committed marriage, you don't have jack or squat. And even WITH a committed marriage, that STILL doesn't make you this poor kids father. You can be her friend, you can hold her when she cries and tell her you love her, you can help raise her and help her become a great person who has the strength to rise above strife, but you STILL will never be her father. That's just the reality of being in relationships with people who have children that aren't yours. You can't just sweep in and decide you're better and that's that. Esp when mom already tried to pawn the child off on man number 2.

My husband has been my daughters "father" for nearly 8 out of the 10yrs of her life. Her own father walked away several times, and at one point walked away for 3 yrs without a single word. He's only been back consistently for the last yr or so. My husband raised her, loved her, cared for her, supported her, PAID for her when her own father said he would rather remain unemployed than pay me ANY child support, and did everything a "father" would do for his own daughter. That still didn't make my husband her father and until a judge says so, he will never be her father. But even with him not being legally her father, it was never lost on my daughter who the person that took care of her was. She loves her father, but when the chips are down its my husband she turns to. There is no piece if paper needed. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with yourself and understand that paper documents aren't what make a father. If you stay and end up being there for the long haul, then you will have secured your place in this childs life with or without being legal. At the end of the day, that should really be what's most important.

 

[commentator]

Quote: I'm asking for the knowledge and foresight to prevent an innocent little girl from suffering at the hands of a court-appointed narcissistic bully.

No, this is not a court appointed bully. This is the little girl's biological father, selected for her by your girlfriend. And it sounds as though she's already had some "wantabe daddy" in her life before who went away. What you are getting on this site is a preview of how people who are involved in the court system are going to feel, think, and say about what you are expressing to us. In other words, listen to us, get it here and understand how your situation is going to be seen from the point of view of the legal system where they've seen thousands of people saying these same things before.

 

[wavehopper27]

You are not dad. Unless you are married to mom AND get her real dad's consent, you will never be dad. This little girl is the child of your girlfriend and the other guy. You have no dog in this fight. If you keep pushing the issue and keep trying to drive a wedge between her and her father your girlfriend could potentially lose custody all together.

I suggest you back off and let her parents sort this out. You will only succeed in making things worse if you persist.

<edited typo>

 

[Eekamouse]

Sorry, I think the OP is actually the mother. No dude says the things this OP says. This has Mom written all over it.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

Sorry, I think the OP is actually the mother. No dude says the things this OP says. This has Mom written all over it.

I haven't posted in quite some time... and I see that some things never change.

I decided to pop up here, because no matter how good you as the potential step-parent think you are, the only certainties in life are death and taxes. I, along with my former husband thought that WE would make it... I thought I was better than their mom. Hard lessons are hard lessons. Do as you've been advised here, make yourself a friend (or if this is in fact mom posting), realize the only thing YOU can control is how YOU treat her. You cannot control how someone else treats her,but you can teach her to cope with things in her life that suck. That, my friend, would be your greatest triumph.