Options for adoption when birth father won't cooperate.

[ca1984]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I'm asking this community for help with options in dealing with a terrible birth parent. My girlfriend's daughter is an amazing girl, 9 years old, and we're becoming a family with marriage in our future. However, the daughter's birth father is, from our point of view, unfit to be a parent. Here's a brief window into his relationship with his daughter: He's scheduled to see his daughter every other weekend and more often than not leaves her waiting hours on end for him. His last weekend we made plans and went out of town. Unfortunately he decided to leave the state and not inform us he wouldn't be picking up his daughter from school. Our poor little girl was left at the school for hours and was eventually picked up by the police while we had to scramble to find someone to get her. After that he disappeared for two weeks, not answering phone text or email. I believe it's been a month since he last communicated with his daughter who's been hurting this whole time. When they are together it's a very unhealthy relationship. He constantly attacks her self-esteem and abuses her emotionally. She has serious abandonment, trust, and men issues because of this guy. I've slowly been regaining her trust in both men and adults, but every two weeks it's very painful for all involved. He has a history of disappearing for months at a time and shows no real concern for his daughter's well-being. He simply likes the title of "father" for what I can only surmise as narcissistic reasons.

My girlfriend tried to have her ex-husband adopt her daughter and the birth father refused so it's unlikely he'll cooperate this time. He does have an incentive as he's behind $50k+ in child support. But during the last adoption petition he owed $25k and still refused so I doubt his back child support will affect his decision. My question is, do we have any forms of recourse revoking the birth father's parental rights and getting this daughter adopted? He's emotionally abusive to his daughter, which is plain as day to everyone who's involved. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to get a psychiatrist or therapist to back up our claims that his relationship is unhealthy and hurting his daughter. Unfortunately, I've never heard of a court revoking parental rights because of only emotional abuse - there needs to be something physical, which there isn't. Is there anything we can do? We really want to get married and the mother and daughter want to forget this guy and move on with their lives.

 

[Ladyback1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I'm asking this community for help with options in dealing with a terrible birth parent. My girlfriend's daughter is an amazing girl, 9 years old, and we're becoming a family with marriage in our future. However, the daughter's birth father is, from our point of view, unfit to be a parent. Here's a brief window into his relationship with his daughter: He's scheduled to see his daughter every other weekend and more often than not leaves her waiting hours on end for him. His last weekend we made plans and went out of town. Unfortunately he decided to leave the state and not inform us he wouldn't be picking up his daughter from school. Our poor little girl was left at the school for hours and was eventually picked up by the police while we had to scramble to find someone to get her. After that he disappeared for two weeks, not answering phone text or email. I believe it's been a month since he last communicated with his daughter who's been hurting this whole time. When they are together it's a very unhealthy relationship. He constantly attacks her self-esteem and abuses her emotionally. She has serious abandonment, trust, and men issues because of this guy. I've slowly been regaining her trust in both men and adults, but every two weeks it's very painful for all involved. He has a history of disappearing for months at a time and shows no real concern for his daughter's well-being. He simply likes the title of "father" for what I can only surmise as narcissistic reasons.

You went out of town, without first confirming he was going to pick her up? Knowing his history? And you didn't have a plan in place for an unforeseen emergency?
WTH were you thinking?

 

[ca1984]

Anything the child can do?

Also, I forgot to ask if there's anything the daughter could do? She does not want her father in her life anymore and wants me to adopt her. She's nine years old now. Is there an age when a child has a right to choose their parent or divorce one of their parents? As she would do this immediately if she could.

 

[Silverplum]

I advise you to step back, and read and learn.

For starters, 9 y.o. is not "our little girl."

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I'm asking this community for help with options in dealing with a terrible birth parent. My girlfriend's daughter is an amazing girl, 9 years old, and we're becoming a family with marriage in our future. However, the daughter's birth father is, from our point of view, unfit to be a parent. Here's a brief window into his relationship with his daughter: He's scheduled to see his daughter every other weekend and more often than not leaves her waiting hours on end for him. His last weekend we made plans and went out of town. Unfortunately he decided to leave the state and not inform us he wouldn't be picking up his daughter from school. Our poor little girl was left at the school for hours and was eventually picked up by the police while we had to scramble to find someone to get her. After that he disappeared for two weeks, not answering phone text or email. I believe it's been a month since he last communicated with his daughter who's been hurting this whole time. When they are together it's a very unhealthy relationship. He constantly attacks her self-esteem and abuses her emotionally. She has serious abandonment, trust, and men issues because of this guy. I've slowly been regaining her trust in both men and adults, but every two weeks it's very painful for all involved. He has a history of disappearing for months at a time and shows no real concern for his daughter's well-being. He simply likes the title of "father" for what I can only surmise as narcissistic reasons.

My girlfriend tried to have her ex-husband adopt her daughter and the birth father refused so it's unlikely he'll cooperate this time. He does have an incentive as he's behind $50k+ in child support. But during the last adoption petition he owed $25k and still refused so I doubt his back child support will affect his decision. My question is, do we have any forms of recourse revoking the birth father's parental rights and getting this daughter adopted? He's emotionally abusive to his daughter, which is plain as day to everyone who's involved. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to get a psychiatrist or therapist to back up our claims that his relationship is unhealthy and hurting his daughter. Unfortunately, I've never heard of a court revoking parental rights because of only emotional abuse - there needs to be something physical, which there isn't. Is there anything we can do? We really want to get married and the mother and daughter want to forget this guy and move on with their lives.

 

[Silverplum]

Also, I forgot to ask if there's anything the daughter could do? She does not want her father in her life anymore and wants me to adopt her. She's nine years old now. Is there an age when a child has a right to choose their parent or divorce one of their parents? As she would do this immediately if she could.

Good grief.

 

[sandyclaus]

First and foremost, get any ideas out of your head about adopting this child anytime soon. As long as there is a parent in the picture on the other side, your chances of successfully adopting her at this point are slim to none (and slim just ran out the door, kicking and screaming). The courts want to see a solid, consistent, and committed relationship between the custodial parent and the person who is agreeing to adopt the child.

The mother is still your girlfriend. Come back a couple years after the two of you have been married, and you MIGHT have a chance.

 

[ca1984]

You went out of town, without first confirming he was going to pick her up? Knowing his history? And you didn't have a plan in place for an unforeseen emergency?
WTH were you thinking?

We decided we were going to follow the court orders to the letter and see what would happen. He is a grown adult and, according to the court, is capable of caring for his daughter without our help. If something came up he should let us know. Why is there no concern from you with the father? The father, who claims to care and love his daughter more than anything, left the state and informed no one! He hasn't spoken with his daughter in over a month.

As for knowing his history, he's picked up his daughter more or less successfully this past school year. There have been lots of hiccups but nothing this outright in a while.

 

[Proserpina]

Also, I forgot to ask if there's anything the daughter could do? She does not want her father in her life anymore and wants me to adopt her. She's nine years old now. Is there an age when a child has a right to choose their parent or divorce one of their parents? As she would do this immediately if she could.

I'm going to be as gentle as I can in saying this:

1. Mom's daughter shouldn't even be INVOLVED in this discussion. Who the heck is allowing this?

2. If Mom wants daughter to choose, she'll be absolutely fine with kiddo wanting to live with Dad, right?

3. Kids don't get to choose. There is only one state in the entire country in which the court MUST hear the minor child, and it ain't yours.

4. There will be no stepparent adoption. Why? You're not a stepparent.

5. No, kids don't get to divorce one parent. If they qualify for emancipation, it's bye-bye to BOTH parents. And before you ask the answer isn't just "no", it's not going to happen.

Given Mom's history of trying to push Dad out (her ex-husband...now you...) you'd be best advised to leave this well alone. Because there will be another "you".

 

[Proserpina]

We decided we were going to follow the court orders to the letter and see what would happen. He is a grown adult and, according to the court, is capable of caring for his daughter without our help. If something came up he should let us know. Why is there no concern from you with the father? The father, who claims to care and love his daughter more than anything, left the state and informed no one! He hasn't spoken with his daughter in over a month.

As for knowing his history, he's picked up his daughter more or less successfully this past school year. There have been lots of hiccups but nothing this outright in a while.

Dad isn't here. Dad's not asking the questions.

Why is there no concern from you about Dad's rights?

 

[ca1984]

My main concern is that I want this little girl, and yes Silverplum she is still a little girl, to stop being hurt and emotionally abused. I know we're not married yet, but we are in a very committed relationship and we're in this for life. I want to have the knowledge going into this family what it will take to stop this little girl from being hurt any more. I'm not asking for ridicule, I'm asking for the knowledge and foresight to prevent an innocent little girl from suffering at the hands of a court-appointed narcissistic bully. It's very easy to laugh and judge behind a keyboard, but I've had enough late-nights of sitting up with a truly wrecked sobbing little girl in my arms to last a lifetime. If I could make it stop in an instant I would, but I can't. I know we've got a long game to play ahead of us. I'm simply asking for help.

 

[TheGeekess]

My main concern is that I want this little girl, and yes Silverplum she is still a little girl, to stop being hurt and emotionally abused. I know we're not married yet, but we are in a very committed relationship and we're in this for life. I want to have the knowledge going into this family what it will take to stop this little girl from being hurt any more. I'm not asking for ridicule, I'm asking for the knowledge and foresight to prevent an innocent little girl from suffering at the hands of a court-appointed narcissistic bully. It's very easy to laugh and judge behind a keyboard, but I've had enough late-nights of sitting up with a truly wrecked sobbing little girl in my arms to last a lifetime. If I could make it stop in an instant I would, but I can't. I know we've got a long game to play ahead of us. I'm simply asking for help.

You're in luck. Legally, this is not your problem.

 

[ca1984]

Dad isn't here. Dad's not asking the questions.

Why is there no concern from you about Dad's rights?

The dad hurts his daughter every weekend he has her. It's very distressing for the daughter and for the mother. I would be concerned about the dad's rights if he cared for and loved his daughter but he doesn't. I believe if a Dad's rights are not in the best interest of the child then he shouldn't have them.

 

[Proserpina]

My main concern is that I want this little girl, and yes Silverplum she is still a little girl, to stop being hurt and emotionally abused. I know we're not married yet, but we are in a very committed relationship and we're in this for life. I want to have the knowledge going into this family what it will take to stop this little girl from being hurt any more. I'm not asking for ridicule, I'm asking for the knowledge and foresight to prevent an innocent little girl from suffering at the hands of a court-appointed narcissistic bully. It's very easy to laugh and judge behind a keyboard, but I've had enough late-nights of sitting up with a truly wrecked sobbing little girl in my arms to last a lifetime. If I could make it stop in an instant I would, but I can't. I know we've got a long game to play ahead of us. I'm simply asking for help.

Mom needs to quit bad-mouthing Dad, and if needed get kiddo into counseling.

Again, and this I'm truly saying for your sake, the likelihood of you being the last "Dad" are slim to none.

 

[Proserpina]

The dad hurts his daughter every weekend he has her. It's very distressing for the daughter and for the mother. I would be concerned about the dad's rights if he cared for and loved his daughter but he doesn't. I believe if a Dad's rights are not in the best interest of the child then he shouldn't have them.

What you believe is 100% irrelevant. I believe that stepparents - and you're not even at that level - should learn their place before trying to break up the relationship between the parent and the child.

If Dad is so bad, she'll learn it all by herself. She sure as heck doesn't need a legal stranger to do it on her behalf.

 

[ca1984]

Mom needs to quit bad-mouthing Dad, and if needed get kiddo into counseling.

Again, and this I'm truly saying for your sake, the likelihood of you being the last "Dad" are slim to none.

She makes it a point to never bad-mouth the dad in front of her children; sometimes I don't know how she does it but she does. The father and adoption talk comes from the children (she has more than one). But the daughter's father is the worst and the most in need of adopting.

And my girlfriend had a history of bad men, but this was at a low point in her life a long time ago. She's grown into a strong powerful woman and has worked heavily on her low self-esteem and low self-confidence that led her to be attracted to piss quality men in the past. We have a very strong relationship. Not speaking from delusion, I can say very confidently that I will be the last "Dad."