Please Please Please Help w/adoption question!!

[XRayGirl1982]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia

I need some advice. My husband and I have been together since June 2006. We just recently got married in Aug. of 2008. I have 2 children, my youngest is 2 and my husband has helped me raise her since she was 4 months old. Her biological father was getting her, hit and miss, every other weekend for the first year of her life. Sometimes he would go a month and sometimes it was every other weekend. We have a court order that says we have 50/50 custody and he is to get her mon., wed. and every other weekend. I am an xray tech so i make more money than him so the judge ruled that he doesnt have to pay for anything!!! It is now Nov. of 08 and he has only had 2 hours of contact with her since June 28th. I tried to get him to sign over his rights and let my husband adopt her, which she only knows my husband as her daddy and she doesnt even recognize her bio. father anymore, but his response is always "over my dead body" but yet he wont give me money, which I dont want, and he wont spend time with her. I want her to have the same last name as the rest of the family when she starts school. I also dont want her to go with her bio. father once every 6 months. What can I do to persuade the court to make her bio. father sign over his rights??????? PLEASE RESPOND ASAP. THANKS SOOOO MUCH!!

[IsabellaSoriano]

Originally Posted by XRayGirl1982

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia

I need some advice. My husband and I have been together since June 2006. We just recently got married in Aug. of 2008. I have 2 children, my youngest is 2 and my husband has helped me raise her since she was 4 months old. Her biological father was getting her, hit and miss, every other weekend for the first year of her life. Sometimes he would go a month and sometimes it was every other weekend. We have a court order that says we have 50/50 custody and he is to get her mon., wed. and every other weekend. I am an xray tech so i make more money than him so the judge ruled that he doesnt have to pay for anything!!! It is now Nov. of 08 and he has only had 2 hours of contact with her since June 28th. I tried to get him to sign over his rights and let my husband adopt her, which she only knows my husband as her daddy and she doesnt even recognize her bio. father anymore, but his response is always "over my dead body" but yet he wont give me money, which I dont want, and he wont spend time with her. I want her to have the same last name as the rest of the family when she starts school. I also dont want her to go with her bio. father once every 6 months. What can I do to persuade the court to make her bio. father sign over his rights??????? PLEASE RESPOND ASAP. THANKS SOOOO MUCH!!

you have to persuade dad first. if dad says no, then the courts say no. all parents are allowed to be crappy parents. if dad wants contact every 6 months, then he can have it.

so your ex is right. over his dead body.

you can ask for a modification in parenting time.

[Gracie3787]

Originally Posted by XRayGirl1982

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia

I need some advice. My husband and I have been together since June 2006. We just recently got married in Aug. of 2008. I have 2 children, my youngest is 2 and my husband has helped me raise her since she was 4 months old. Her biological father was getting her, hit and miss, every other weekend for the first year of her life. Sometimes he would go a month and sometimes it was every other weekend. We have a court order that says we have 50/50 custody and he is to get her mon., wed. and every other weekend. I am an xray tech so i make more money than him so the judge ruled that he doesnt have to pay for anything!!! It is now Nov. of 08 and he has only had 2 hours of contact with her since June 28th. I tried to get him to sign over his rights and let my husband adopt her, which she only knows my husband as her daddy and she doesnt even recognize her bio. father anymore, but his response is always "over my dead body" but yet he wont give me money, which I dont want, and he wont spend time with her. I want her to have the same last name as the rest of the family when she starts school. I also dont want her to go with her bio. father once every 6 months. What can I do to persuade the court to make her bio. father sign over his rights??????? PLEASE RESPOND ASAP. THANKS SOOOO MUCH!!

Mistake number 1- You chose to have a child with a man who you later decide you don't want to be the father. You cannot undo that now, unless he is willing to TPR and allow the adoption it's unlikely to happen. Of course, unless you can prove to the court that he has abused his child, then you might have a chance at getting supervised visits ordered.

Mistake number 2- Allowing your daughter to know your new husband as "daddy". He is NOT her father, and Judges tend to take a very dim view of mother's who allow their child to call step dad "daddy".

Mistake number 3- You said that the court did NOT order CS. You then complain that Dad won't give you any money (which you then say you don't want). Which is it? You want CS or not? The court did not order any, therefore he does not have any obligation to give you any. If you want to change that, you can try to go back to court for CS.

Mistake number 4- You want her to have the same last name, ain't gonna happen unles her father agrees. The solution to that if you REALLY want everyone to have the same last name- you, your husband, and your other child should change YOUR names to your daughter's name. Problem solved.

[XRayGirl1982]

Ok this is my response to each of your comments:

What you say is mistake number 1: First and foremost, i didnt choose to have a child with the father, we had dated for 4 years and it was an accident because my IUD malfunctioned. I cant say that he has ever physically abused my daughter, but mentally if he keeps up his pattern, he is going to mentally abuse her, I know because she is a newer version of my life growing up and I know how she is gonna feel in a few years when he only comes around on her birthday and christmas. That is something I dont want her to have to go through, ever, my dad did it to me and i grew up to hate him beginning around age 12. I actually called him one day and told him i hated him and for him to stay out of my life. Then about 2 years later, he died of a massive heart attack. So I will never know what the future had in store. I dont want anything like that to ever happen to her.

What you say is mistake 2: Me and my husband have been together since my daughter was 3 months old. He has raised her and played dad to her ever since, especially when her father wasnt around, which was more often than not. Her father would disappear for months at a time then decide to get her for 2 days, then disappear. All the while my husband was here changing diapers, helping her learn to walk, talk, and just about anything a true parent would do with their child. We, under no cercumstance, told her to call him daddy. When she began talking I would say stuff like " Go see what Chace is doing" or "Chace is going to the store, do you want to go?" So I never called him daddy, ever. I was still tracking down her father every chance I could to try to get him to form a close relationship with her. I soon found out every time he would get her, he would take her to his mom's for the weekend and leave her there until sunday when it was time for her to come home. So you tell me what I was supposed to do when one day my husband came home and my daughter yelled daddy. After that I would say he is daddy chace and her bio father i called daddy to her but as time passed and no father, she just calls him daddy.
You say mistake 3: First and foremost, i dont want any support from him because I want his rights terminated so that my little baby doesnt have to go through what I did with my dad. Sitting waiting for him to come get her and he never comes, crying to me wondering what she is doing wrong and why her daddy doesnt love her. The court ordered 5050 custody so no CS was granted. I told him I either wanted money or his rights, one or the other. Either get her half the time or leave us the heck alone.
your mistake 3: This is you just being a butthole, of course we dont want her last name. But I dont think its fair to her for her to have his last name when she doesnt even have a clue who he is, which is completely his choice. I am not one of those mothers who finds a new man and tries to keep her kids from their bio father. I have tried for 2 years to get him to be in her life and he ignores my calls or makes up an excuse to not get her. So, what is your advice now?

[IsabellaSoriano]

Originally Posted by XRayGirl1982

Ok this is my response to each of your comments:

What you say is mistake number 1: First and foremost, i didnt choose to have a child with the father, we had dated for 4 years and it was an accident because my IUD malfunctioned. I cant say that he has ever physically abused my daughter, but mentally if he keeps up his pattern, he is going to mentally abuse her, I know because she is a newer version of my life growing up and I know how she is gonna feel in a few years when he only comes around on her birthday and christmas. That is something I dont want her to have to go through, ever, my dad did it to me and i grew up to hate him beginning around age 12. I actually called him one day and told him i hated him and for him to stay out of my life. Then about 2 years later, he died of a massive heart attack. So I will never know what the future had in store. I dont want anything like that to ever happen to her.

What you say is mistake 2: Me and my husband have been together since my daughter was 3 months old. He has raised her and played dad to her ever since, especially when her father wasnt around, which was more often than not. Her father would disappear for months at a time then decide to get her for 2 days, then disappear. All the while my husband was here changing diapers, helping her learn to walk, talk, and just about anything a true parent would do with their child. We, under no cercumstance, told her to call him daddy. When she began talking I would say stuff like " Go see what Chace is doing" or "Chace is going to the store, do you want to go?" So I never called him daddy, ever. I was still tracking down her father every chance I could to try to get him to form a close relationship with her. I soon found out every time he would get her, he would take her to his mom's for the weekend and leave her there until sunday when it was time for her to come home. So you tell me what I was supposed to do when one day my husband came home and my daughter yelled daddy. After that I would say he is daddy chace and her bio father i called daddy to her but as time passed and no father, she just calls him daddy.
You say mistake 3: First and foremost, i dont want any support from him because I want his rights terminated so that my little baby doesnt have to go through what I did with my dad. Sitting waiting for him to come get her and he never comes, crying to me wondering what she is doing wrong and why her daddy doesnt love her. The court ordered 5050 custody so no CS was granted. I told him I either wanted money or his rights, one or the other. Either get her half the time or leave us the heck alone.
your mistake 3: This is you just being a butthole, of course we dont want her last name. But I dont think its fair to her for her to have his last name when she doesnt even have a clue who he is, which is completely his choice. I am not one of those mothers who finds a new man and tries to keep her kids from their bio father. I have tried for 2 years to get him to be in her life and he ignores my calls or makes up an excuse to not get her. So, what is your advice now?

get an attorney, file to terminate. just keep in mind, once dad shows up at the hearing and says no, you will have wasted your time and money.

you can file to change the visitation schedule to reflect dad's real parenting time. have child support included if he decreases his visitation even after that, go back to court again to relect his decreased parenting time. have child support modified. if he still doesn't participate, bring up the step parent adoption then.

[txmom512]

Actually that's not true.... It's not "impossible"
It simply becomes a 'contested adoption' and is based on the best interest of the child.

It's more expensive, and more difficult, but it's not "impossible" - I wish people would stop saying that....

[proud_parent]

I stopped reading at this:

Originally Posted by XRayGirl1982

First and foremost, i didnt choose to have a child with the father, we had dated for 4 years and it was an accident because my IUD malfunctioned.

You became pregnant not because your birth control method failed. You became pregnant because you had sex.

Your pregnancy was no accident. It was an unintended (but not unforeseen) consequence of a deliberate act.

You could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy. You did not. Therefore, you chose to have the child.

Good day, madam.

[Silverplum]

I fully agree with you, PP, but the bolded is when I gave up all hope on this poster forever.

Originally Posted by XRayGirl1982

your mistake 3: This is you just being a butthole, of course we dont want her last name. But I dont think its fair to her for her to have his last name when she doesnt even have a clue who he is, which is completely his choice. I am not one of those mothers who finds a new man and tries to keep her kids from their bio father. I have tried for 2 years to get him to be in her life and he ignores my calls or makes up an excuse to not get her. So, what is your advice now?

[Blue Meanie]

Originally Posted by Silverplum

I fully agree with you, PP, but the bolded is when I gave up all hope on this poster forever.

I have a huge problem with posters that are nasty to Gracie...She is the nicest member to this forum!!

[proud_parent]

Originally Posted by Silverplum

I fully agree with you, PP, but the bolded is when I gave up all hope on this poster forever.

Kudos, Silver...you hung in there longer than I.

OP, insult the seniors at your peril.

[Gracie3787]

Originally Posted by XRayGirl1982

Ok this is my response to each of your comments:

your mistake 3: This is you just being a butthole,

Why, thank you very much for the COMPLIMENT. Why do I take it as a compliment, simple, it means that I gave you the correct advice. The correct advice for some people, like you, is never what you want to hear. So, when an OP gets mad at me, or calls me names I know I did a good thing.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by Gracie3787

Why, thank you very much for the COMPLIMENT. Why do I take it as a compliment, simple, it means that I gave you the correct advice. The correct advice for some people, like you, is never what you want to hear. So, when an OP gets mad at me, or calls me names I know I did a good thing.

Gracie, you're an angel, and nothing but an angel.

[Gracie3787]

Originally Posted by baystategirl

I have a huge problem with posters that are nasty to Gracie...She is the nicest member to this forum!!

This sin't the first time I've been called a "butthole". When my daughter was about 10 years old she had a diary. I was in her room gathering up laundry and her diary was laying on the bed open to a page. As I bent down to check under her bed I couldn't help but see in big letters "Mom is being a butthole again". I didn't say anything to her for a long time, but it's still something we laugh about to this day. If I sense that she's aggravated with me for some reason I ask her if she thinks I'm being a butthole again, we laugh and then her aggravation disappears.

[Gracie3787]

Originally Posted by Silverplum

Gracie, you're an angel, and nothing but an angel.

Thank you, right now I wish I was. The other day I picked up a too heavy box and tore a tendon in my right shoulder. I was given vicodan, but it still hurts anyway. The bad thing is that my hubby is ahving to do all of the outside Christmas decorations without my help. We have our front yard completely covered with lights, figures, including a large manger scene and an ice skating scene. Oh well, I'll probably be better just in time to take it all down in Jan.

[Honorablejr]

Xray needs to rethink this whole process. She could go for a contested adoption, but it could cost a bunch of money if the ex showed up at court, and she could be back to square one.

She could also, as she said, try to get the court to change and order either more time with the child or CS... But there is something more important to consider: It could backfire, resulting in her ex spending MORE time with her child. Is this really what is in the best interest of the child?

I think she should continue to monitor the situation, and hopefully ex will slowly decrease visits to where he is almost nonexistent. Then she has better standing for a contested adoption. Just make sure the child is not being harmed in any way while at the ex's.