Step Parent adoption - Need advice

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? NY

This may turn into a rant.. bear with me please!

My husband wants to adopt my 11 yr old son from a previous relationship.. My son and I both want this very badly as well.

A little background on the deadbeat "donor".. My son was born in the state of Tennessee. This is also where his father lives still and where the courts heard our case.

*Note that I truly believed he was a GREAT guy in the beginning. Unfortunately, it was not so. Long story short, he has never regularly paid child support or saw our son. He never used his visitation rights, he just didn't/still doesn't care. Whenever he would come and take him for the weekend (supposed to be every other weekend), he pawned him off on his mother and didn't see him the whole weekend. I would have to take my son to his house and let him know that he (my son) was begging to see him. He would always say that he just didn't have the time..

He is now well over $30,000 behind in child support. I moved out of state to NY 4 years ago. I've recently gotten re-married (July 2003). I gave up on fighting with "the donor" AND the court system on the child support issue. Tennessee just doesn't enforce the issue all that much and since he rarely ever saw his father anyway, I just didn't press the issue that much. I don't really NEED the child support per se, but of course it would be nice to have a little help.. but that's not the issue here. I do receive child support now on occasion - as said before, maybe once every 6 months or so. It's only because they have a wage assignment against him and have to track him down constantly because he'll quit his job within a month or so after they find him.. then of course, they have to start all over with the paperwork again.

According to NY law, there's the 6 month abandonment issue. Well, his father still never writes, calls, etc. I've tried contacting him soooo many times, but he'll never answer the phone, won't return calls, etc. Even when we go to visit in Tennesee, my son will spend time with his father's family, yet his father will never come around even though he knows he's in town. But that darn child support is what messes us up with the abandonment issue! And I don't even CARE about the money!

My husband is the greatest father to my son (at this point, we say OUR son around here). We've been together almost 5 years now. My son calls him "dad", and refers to his "donor" as "that other guy". He's formed his own opinion of him over the years, this is not our influence here. He asks questions, we answer honestly. He's old enough now to know the truth. I don't speak badly about his father, but I'm not going to lie to him and tell him that his dad does want to see him.

I'm sick. I have been for 3 years, but I won't go into that issue that much. From what I understand, if something were to happen to me, my son would automatically go to his father. I can't bear for that to happen. And he REFUSES to give up his rights. According to his mother.. these are his words, "I'm not letting another guy adopt my kid and make me look bad". His own mother can't even stand him. She asked him why does he care? And "why not let someone who loves him be his legal father.. you don't even love the kid". He said "So, I'm not gonna look bad like that".

SO, he doesn't love him, wants nothing to do with him, will do anything to get out of paying child support, yet won't "allow" my husband to adopt our son. And apparently I can't do a darn thing about it since the child support is what messes everything up. The lawyer here says that's the only thing keeping my husband from being able to adopt him. I guess there's no other way around it?

Can I just DROP the child support somehow? I mean, have the state of Tennessee cancel the wage assignment against him? I haven't asked the lawyer about that because I don't know if that's against the law or something. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly can't stand the thought of that idiot ever getting custody of my son if something were to happen to me. And my husband loves him so much, he wants to be his legal father, not just because he's married to me. My son wants this badly as well.

ANY advice??

[stealth2]

You need to look at what TN requires in terms of abandonment and TPR, not NY. As long as Dad still lives there, it is unlikley that TN will release jurisdiction.

Ok, that's strange. The lawyer here and the child support office I deal with in TN both said that I have to do it all here since this is where WE live and I have sole custody.

The child support issue has always gone through the state of TN. It's just sent to me up here.

Now I'm even more confused.

[stealth2]

Adoption in NY, probably. TPR is most likely in TN. That's where the divorce was, that's who issued to visitation/support orders, and that's where Dad still lives. TN still has jurisdiction over the child.

Forgive me, but since I'm new to these boards and all, what is TPR?

Also, there was no divorce between he and I. We were never married.. I was married later on to another man and then had my daughter (whole other story there, a long one, but ultimately ended in divorce). Luckily her father is an AWESOME dad and has nothing to do with this issue. He lives in Michigan now and still manages to see her regularly.

The only thing that went on with my son's father, as far as the courts go, was the paternity suit itself - giving me sole custody and setting the child support and visitation schedule. He has never really been a part of his life or paid child support regularly. I also went to court a couple times to get permission to move out of state.. he decided all of a sudden he didn't want me to go anywhere, even though he didn't want anything to do with his son. The judge literally said to him.. "considering your record and lack of parenting skills, she can move to timbuktu if she wants to". So I moved and now here I am. The state kept the child support order open from Tn and has the checks mailed here whenever they find him. He keeps moving around, even from state to state, but always manages to move back to TN.

But THEY (the child support/custody office) were the first people I discussed the adoption issue with. I was told by them that I HAD to do all of this through the state of NY. So I had a consultation with a lawyer here. At this point, I'm honestly not even sure what all is involved with the adoption. All I know is that apparently it can't be done without him giving up his rights or disappearing and not paying child support for over 6 months. He already doesn't call or write or anything, so the child support is the only thing holding us up here.

Hope that makes the situation more clear.

[haiku]

OK every state is different, so don't know if I will be much help, but here goes...

Were you or the child ever on state aid in TN? if so the state will not let go of the fathers child support obligation until that debt is free and clear.

other than that, it is possible to to request that child support, current, future, and past be stopped, on condition of consent to adoption.

Also, it may be possible, if no welfare was involved to do an interstate adoption without involvment of the original state. All you would need depending on the laws of your current state would be the proper notorized forms from your state signed by the biological father.

the most important thing I can say is,Because the bio IS contesting it would NOT be wise for you to proceed any further without having a lawyer to help you.

[haiku]

Originally Posted by Dee74

Forgive me, but since I'm new to these boards and all, what is TPR?

****Termination of Parental Rights*****

Also, there was no divorce between he and I. We were never married.. I was married later on to another man and then had my daughter (whole other story there, a long one, but ultimately ended in divorce). Luckily her father is an AWESOME dad and has nothing to do with this issue. He lives in Michigan now and still manages to see her regularly.

***Whether or not you were married has no bearing****

The only thing that went on with my son's father, as far as the courts go, was the paternity suit itself - giving me sole custody and setting the child support and visitation schedule. He has never really been a part of his life or paid child support regularly. I also went to court a couple times to get permission to move out of state.. he decided all of a sudden he didn't want me to go anywhere, even though he didn't want anything to do with his son. The judge literally said to him.. "considering your record and lack of parenting skills, she can move to timbuktu if she wants to". So I moved and now here I am. The state kept the child support order open from Tn and has the checks mailed here whenever they find him. He keeps moving around, even from state to state, but always manages to move back to TN.

But THEY (the child support/custody office) were the first people I discussed the adoption issue with. I was told by them that I HAD to do all of this through the state of NY. So I had a consultation with a lawyer here. At this point, I'm honestly not even sure what all is involved with the adoption. All I know is that apparently it can't be done without him giving up his rights or disappearing and not paying child support for over 6 months. He already doesn't call or write or anything, so the child support is the only thing holding us up here.

Hope that makes the situation more clear.

****Unless you can convince him to willingly give up his rights, you will have a huge battle on your hands, because even if you got the state of tennesee to close your case, he still may continue to pay on his own.

[cookie57]

I'm not sure if I can be much help, but I will try!!

I was divorced in Washington State. Child support and child custody papers were issued there. I live in Ohio now. I have for the last 2 years. My ex husband went 2 1/2 years without contact or support. Child enforcement was never involved in collecting support, my ex paid me directly. No wage attachment or anything like that.
Now keep in mind, the following is based on Ohio State law!
My husband could file the petition to adopt here in Ohio because we could show we were legal residents of this state for more than 1 year. We were told that Washington State held jurisdiction in regards to support and custody, but could not hold jurisdiction on termination and adoption because we were not legal residents of Washington.
The judge here terminated my ex's rights without his permission based on the abandonment laws here. My daughter was legally adopted by my husband last week. Before we left the courtroom, the judge ordered me to contact the courthouse where I was divorced. I was required by law to provide the Washington courthouse with a notarized copy of the adoption papers. I contacted the court facilitator and they told me to send them copies of the papers and to specify that I wanted them put in my court case file. That's it.

TPR is termination of parental rights.

If you receive child support maybe once every six months, and your abandonment laws there are 6 months or more without contact and or support...then wait until exactly 6 months without either or, and go have your husband file the petition to adopt. If you receive any form of support after the date you filed, contact your attorney. Once the petition is filed, it will not matter.
It is much easier to get your ex's consent to the adoption. In my case I could not get his consent. It took a little more effort and time, but we were able to do the TPR and the adoption. It is possible, and there is hope there for you. I would definately get an attorney involved and make sure that every single t and i is dotted .

Good luck!!

OMG!

Ok, I guess I should have waited to post all this lol

I tracked the idiot down.. found him! I just got off the phone with him.. huge argument. That's the first time I've talked to him since last summer. Thank god my son was outside when this was going on, it got pretty loud for a bit. Well anyway, he came inside, asked who I was talking to, so I told him. He said that he wanted to talk to him. So I told the donor that his son wanted to talk to him.. he said "I don't have time right now".. yep, always making excuses. I handed the phone to my son anyway.. He asked him why he didn't call him.. silence.. he said, "helloooo?.. hey umm I want dad to adopt me" (ooh I bet that ticked him off hearing him call another man DAD for the first time).. donor says to put me back on the phone. So I got back on and he said that he wanted me to leave the room so he can talk to him without my "interference". So I sent him upstairs with the phone. I heard about the conversation after I got back on.. apparently he asked him why he wanted his step dad to adopt him.. so my son told him that he was a good dad and that's what he wanted. Then he brought the phone back to me.

Well, I'm happy to report that he told me to go ahead and get the papers ready.. he wanted to sign over his rights so he "can be done with this s***" and that he "never wanted to be a dad anyway". He said he'd give up his rights, no problem. He gave me his address and cell phone number.

Now I just pray he doesn't change his mind!!



Soooo, now comes the part where I get to figure out how all this is done. I'm assuming the lawyer will set everything up and figure out who does what?? I mean, which states do whatever with whatever paperwork??

I'm so happy I could cry.