Step parent adoption reversed? Complicated

[Mominneed23]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law) New Mexico
OK. Bare with me please. I have a 9 year old daughter. Her bio dad and I had a one night stand and she was conceived. I couldn't remember his last name. Not proud of that. Young and dumb. My now husband decided he wanted to adopt my daughter, and did so 2 years ago. Even though my attorney looked for a man by the bio's first name in the father registry of my home state, of course no one was found so the adoption was granted. Fast forward to a month ago. Of all people, the bio dad found me online. He wants to be a father to his child. And I don't want to deny him of that. My husband and I have talked about divorce recently and my daughter, who knows my husband isn't her bio dad -she is mixed. Both my husband and I are white). She loves her dad, but has had a lot of questions about her real dad. My husband gets mad at her if she brings him up and makes her feel like crap. I have always told him that had we ever found each other, I would allow my daughter to find out about where she came from. Husband hates that. I have a feeling that if a divorce happens, he will not want to do for her as he does for our son. And honestly, I don't care if he does. My question, I guess, is can a step parent adoption be reversed if the bio dad, who of course was not on the birth certificate, wants her to have his last name? Or can my husband sign over his parental rights if he chooses to not want a relationship with her? I honestly regret letting the adoption happen Bc I always had that wonder of what if bio dad and myself run into each other one day? But I never, in a million years, thought that would happen. Hopefully, someone can help me with this!

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law) New Mexico
OK. Bare with me please. I have a 9 year old daughter. Her bio dad and I had a one night stand and she was conceived. I couldn't remember his last name. Not proud of that. Young and dumb. My now husband decided he wanted to adopt my daughter, and did so 2 years ago. Even though my attorney looked for a man by the bio's first name in the father registry of my home state, of course no one was found so the adoption was granted. Fast forward to a month ago. Of all people, the bio dad found me online. He wants to be a father to his child. And I don't want to deny him of that. My husband and I have talked about divorce recently and my daughter, who knows my husband isn't her bio dad -she is mixed. Both my husband and I are white). She loves her dad, but has had a lot of questions about her real dad. My husband gets mad at her if she brings him up and makes her feel like crap. I have always told him that had we ever found each other, I would allow my daughter to find out about where she came from. Husband hates that. I have a feeling that if a divorce happens, he will not want to do for her as he does for our son. And honestly, I don't care if he does. My question, I guess, is can a step parent adoption be reversed if the bio dad, who of course was not on the birth certificate, wants her to have his last name? Or can my husband sign over his parental rights if he chooses to not want a relationship with her? I honestly regret letting the adoption happen Bc I always had that wonder of what if bio dad and myself run into each other one day? But I never, in a million years, thought that would happen. Hopefully, someone can help me with this!

No, adoption is permanent. Your husband is the child's dad, and you are playing an ugly game. I feel sad for the child.

 

[CTU]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law) New Mexico
OK. Bare with me please. I have a 9 year old daughter. Her bio dad and I had a one night stand and she was conceived. I couldn't remember his last name. Not proud of that. Young and dumb. My now husband decided he wanted to adopt my daughter, and did so 2 years ago. Even though my attorney looked for a man by the bio's first name in the father registry of my home state, of course no one was found so the adoption was granted. Fast forward to a month ago. Of all people, the bio dad found me online.

Gosh. I wonder why he was looking?

He wants to be a father to his child. And I don't want to deny him of that.

STOP. He is NOT her father and she is NOT his child. You don't want to deny him of ... what, exactly? You have absolutely NO BUSINESS even entertaining the idea of this man coming in to usurp the rights of this child's FATHER.

My husband and I have talked about divorce recently and my daughter, who knows my husband isn't her bio dad -she is mixed. Both my husband and I are white). She loves her dad, but has had a lot of questions about her real dad. My husband gets mad at her if she brings him up and makes her feel like crap.

You had no business telling your daughter that her sperm donor was back on the scene. At least not without the consent of her FATHER. You know, her REAL father. The one who adopted her.

I have always told him that had we ever found each other, I would allow my daughter to find out about where she came from. Husband hates that. I have a feeling that if a divorce happens, he will not want to do for her as he does for our son. And honestly, I don't care if he does.

It's painfully obvious that you don't care about anyone else, madam. Painfully obvious.

My question, I guess, is can a step parent adoption be reversed if the bio dad, who of course was not on the birth certificate, wants her to have his last name? Or can my husband sign over his parental rights if he chooses to not want a relationship with her? I honestly regret letting the adoption happen Bc I always had that wonder of what if bio dad and myself run into each other one day? But I never, in a million years, thought that would happen. Hopefully, someone can help me with this!

Sorry, but no.

Playing musical daddies never ends well. And the one who gets hurt the most is, invariably, the poor child.

Hopefully her Daddy will file for custody if a divorce is on the horizon. Perhaps he can raise her properly.

 

[Zigner]

There IS an option. OP can marry bio dad and have bio dad do a step-parent adoption.

 

[LdiJ]

There IS an option. OP can marry bio dad and have bio dad do a step-parent adoption.

That is an option should legal dad agree...but it does not sound like its guaranteed that he would.

 

[Zigner]

That is an option should legal dad agree...but it does not sound like its guaranteed that he would.

Right - but to be honest, my reply was not really meant in a serious tone...I should have conveyed that better.

 

[LdiJ]

I keep looking at this whole situation from the biological father's point of view. He never knew he had a child until now. How is that fair to him? Some adoptions have been overturned because the biological father found out after the fact that he had a child. However, the ones we have seen in the news have always involved much younger children.

On top of that, the child is curious about her biological father. Is she to be denied knowledge too?

I just don't know what to think about this type of scenario.

 

[CTU]

I keep looking at this whole situation from the biological father's point of view. He never knew he had a child until now. How is that fair to him?

You know what I'm wondering? Mom said she didn't know his last name. Yet, he found her. Now. Did he know her full name all this time and not bother to follow up about their liaison? Or ... what? How did he find her? WHY did he find her? Does she have her husband's last name? Has she known all along and simply lied?

(cue onslaught of "He knew my sister and my sister told him my FB name and that's how he found me" ready-made excuses)

Some adoptions have been overturned because the biological father found out after the fact that he had a child. However, the ones we have seen in the news have always involved much younger children.

How many of these have been in a state which has putative father's registry? Read Mom's post again. Add to that, Mom had an attorney who seemed to have practiced all the due diligence required.

On top of that, the child is curious about her biological father. Is she to be denied knowledge too?

There's a HUGE difference between having knowledge of her biological father and him actually becoming her father. Don't you think?

I just don't know what to think about this type of scenario.

Indeed.

 

[LdiJ]

You know what I'm wondering? Mom said she didn't know his last name. Yet, he found her. Now. Did he know her full name all this time and not bother to follow up about their liaison? Or ... what? How did he find her? WHY did he find her? Does she have her husband's last name? Has she known all along and simply lied?

I have a facebook page that my sister set up for me that I rarely look at, but every time I do I am amazed at people who have found me that I would never have believed that they could do so. People who I know never knew my married last name or who might never have known my maiden last name either.

(cue onslaught of "He knew my sister and my sister told him my FB name and that's how he found me" ready-made excuses)

Facebook themselves do it. They suggest friends of friends as people you might know or want to connect with. Its bizarre.

How many of these have been in a state which has putative father's registry? Read Mom's post again. Add to that, Mom had an attorney who seemed to have practiced all the due diligence required.

I do not know. I just know that there have been some very well publicized cases.

There's a HUGE difference between having knowledge of her biological father and him actually becoming her father. Don't you think?

How can one meet ones biological father, when everyone wants to meet, without some sort of familial relationship developing?

Seriously in a situation like this one I honestly do not know what I think is best. I truly do not. What I do know is that its not a simple black and white situation.

 

[Silverplum]

The common answer is that Potential Father should keep track of where he gifted his sperminators.

 

[CTU]

I have a facebook page that my sister set up for me that I rarely look at, but every time I do I am amazed at people who have found me that I would never have believed that they could do so. People who I know never knew my married last name or who might never have known my maiden last name either.

Missed ----> point.

Facebook themselves do it. They suggest friends of friends as people you might know or want to connect with. Its bizarre.

It's a simple algorithm, actually.

I do not know. I just know that there have been some very well publicized cases.

With completely different facts attached. Right?

How can one meet ones biological father, when everyone wants to meet, without some sort of familial relationship developing?

It happened to me, but ... anecdotes are just that. Anecdotes. My father and I share biology and (once upon a time) a last name - and little else. We send each other notes from time to time. The guy who I call "Dad" was my stepfather, and he's dead.

Seriously in a situation like this one I honestly do not know what I think is best. I truly do not. What I do know is that its not a simple black and white situation.

Call me jaded, but I don't think even you can deny that there's a whole lot more to this story than we've been told, and it won't exactly paint Mom in the best light.

If this was PURELY about the child's best interest, I doubt she would be here asking the question. Other questions, sure. But not this one.

The common answer is that Potential Father should keep track of where he gifted his sperminators.

As well he should. And in the OP's state, there is a putative father registry that - if we're to believe Mom - was searched (using only his first name, natch ... ) to no avail.

I am strongly of the belief that yes, you're responsible for where you leave your wee tadpoles and yes, you do have an obligation to follow up. But I still wonder just how and why did he suddenly, magically, from out of the blue turn up and find Mom. How did that conversation start? "Hey, I banged this chick 10 years ago or so and you sorta look familiar so hey!"?

Sorry folks, I'm not buying this story at all.

 

[Ohiogal]

Missed ----> point.





It's a simple algorithm, actually.



With completely different facts attached. Right?



It happened to me, but ... anecdotes are just that. Anecdotes. My father and I share biology and (once upon a time) a last name - and little else. We send each other notes from time to time. The guy who I call "Dad" was my stepfather, and he's dead.



Call me jaded, but I don't think even you can deny that there's a whole lot more to this story than we've been told, and it won't exactly paint Mom in the best light.

If this was PURELY about the child's best interest, I doubt she would be here asking the question. Other questions, sure. But not this one.





As well he should. And in the OP's state, there is a putative father registry that - if we're to believe Mom - was searched (using only his first name, natch ... ) to no avail.

I am strongly of the belief that yes, you're responsible for where you leave your wee tadpoles and yes, you do have an obligation to follow up. But I still wonder just how and why did he suddenly, magically, from out of the blue turn up and find Mom. How did that conversation start? "Hey, I banged this chick 10 years ago or so and you sorta look familiar so hey!"?

Sorry folks, I'm not buying this story at all.

This is pure and simple playing musical daddies -- that is what mom wants to do. Which is pathetic and ridiculous. I agree with you CTU.

 

[CJane]

Yanno, if you approached this as any other adoptive family that had a child who wanted to meet the biological parent(s), I think it would work out ok. But doing it with divorce on the horizon, against the wishes of the child's father (because that's what her former step-father is), etc is a spectacularly bad idea.

And there's no good way to undo the adoption and unDad Dad.