Terminated Rights

[magic41870]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

I got pregnant in 1990. Boyfriend decided that he didn't want anything to do with child. I married someone else in Oct 1990, child born end of Jan 1991. Husband wanted to adopt her, so we had an attorney draw up the paperwork terminating biological fathers rights. Divorced husband in 2000, which he has given up his "rights" to child as well.

Fast forward, 2 days ago, my 15 year old with the help of the wonderful internet, has located her father. She has talked with his wife and him. He wants to get to know her and his wife is supporting this. My daughter is so sure that "dad" has rights to her. Not sure where she's coming up with he can take me to court and get visitation of her, because she wants to see him and the judge will let her just because she says so. I know, typical 15 year old.

Does he have any right or claim to her? In my thinking he gave that right up a long time ago.

[nextwife]

He has no parental rights.

However, it is not unusual for a teen adoptee to seek and desire contact with bioparents. While you may not think of your child as an adopted child, the emotional needs she has are consistant with those of other adoptees, which is a craving to know her roots. It may not be a bad idea to read up on adoptee emotional issues and perhaps join some web support lists for parents of adopted kids so that you are well-versed on adoptee issues. Many parents of adopted kids are supportive of their need to know about their roots. You may want to consider being so.

[magic41870]

I can understand her wanting to know her father. Fine, go for it. But my big problem with all of this is: he's known where she has been for the past 15+ years, his wife never knew she existed; he has a son that is 18 with another woman--that info came out 5 years into their 15 year marriage. He told her he did me a favor by signing away his rights. No, I feel like he took the cowards way out.

I don't want my daughter hurt anymore than she has been. What is the need to call him 'Dad"? He's not her dad, he hasn't raised her. He's her father--and for that I'm greatful for, but I don't think he should be put on a pedastool like he's father of the year.

So, I should just say have fun, do what you want? Meanwhile, I pick up the pieces when he breaks her heart because he doesn't want to deal with a child that has emotional baggage as it is.

Somebody really needs to start praying for me then. Because I'm not sure I can do this.

[nextwife]

Originally Posted by magic41870

I can understand her wanting to know her father. Fine, go for it. But my big problem with all of this is: he's known where she has been for the past 15+ years, his wife never knew she existed; he has a son that is 18 with another woman--that info came out 5 years into their 15 year marriage. He told her he did me a favor by signing away his rights. No, I feel like he took the cowards way out.

I don't want my daughter hurt anymore than she has been. What is the need to call him 'Dad"? He's not her dad, he hasn't raised her. He's her father--and for that I'm greatful for, but I don't think he should be put on a pedastool like he's father of the year.

So, I should just say have fun, do what you want? Meanwhile, I pick up the pieces when he breaks her heart because he doesn't want to deal with a child that has emotional baggage as it is.

Somebody really needs to start praying for me then. Because I'm not sure I can do this.

All parents of adoptess who want to connect with biofamily face this same dilema: how do we keep our kids from being hurt? It is natural for a daughter to fantasize about an absent biodad - especially if no good substitute father figure was there for her. As much as you are judging dad for walking away and giving up his rights, it was YOU who enabled that happening.

And frankly, it sounds like you have a bit of history of expecting your daughters' dads to give up parental rights once they are out of a relationship with you.

JUst as it would not serve my daughter emotionally for me to point out how her biomom abandoned her to an orphanage not long after birth, it is not going to serve your daughter to know all the reasons you think dad doesn't deserve to be in contact with her. It is your place to decide if now is an acceptable time for your daughter to have bioparent contact, and whether you are going to stand in the way or help her work through it.

I would also suggest counseling, no matter what you end up doing.

[magic41870]

I did enable the men to give up rights to her. Her biodad first--because my husband wanted to adopt her. When I divorced husband, he gave up his rights because he had molested her. So, he didn't need anything more to do with her. My Dad has been there for her, so it's not like she hasn't had a positive male figure in her life.

If she feels she's ready to do this, then I'll stand by her. Like I said previously, I'll be there to pick up any pieces if need be.

So far though, all I've heard is that I was the whore and he didn't think the baby was his, blah blah blah. All coming from the conversation with him on Friday night. My skin isn't but so thick, and it hurts right much hearing these things. Granted, they're not true, but it still hurts. How would you like to be told you're an unfit parent because bio parent isn't around? Believe me, I'd heard so much crap this weekend that I'm sick of it all.

Thanks for your input. Counseling sounds good.

[nextwife]

Good luck.

I truly suggest you do some reading about adoptee grief. There is a grief and loss that adoptees universally might feel for the absent, basically unknown bioparent. Understanding that this exists, and is not a reflection on present parent's parenting can be helpful.

Glad you are doing the counseling for her. Good luck.

[magic41870]

Nextwife, do you have any recommendations for adoptee support sites? I searched but didn't find anything that felt right.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it very much.

[magic41870]

Nextwife, do you have any recommendations for adoptee support sites? I searched but didn't find anything that felt right.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it very much.

[nextwife]

There are so many web support lists. Some are specific to certain special needs, some to countries from which children are adopted, some to cross racial adoptions, some to searching bioparent(s). You get the idea.

Among others, I'm on a web list for older parents, as an example, which has parents participating who have adopted from foster, kinship adoptions, open and closed adoptions, international. serial adoptors with many children from varied backgrounds, LOTS of special needs and challenges. These parents have a lot of insight and have helped some really troubled kids through some tough times and are a great source of feedback. Its called GAARP [url]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GAARP/[/url]

THis is a general resource guide website:
[url]http://www.adopting.com/info.html[/url]

[url]http://www.motherswithattitude.com/links/adopt.html[/url]

Look through these sites, there are many general weblists. Just keep trying until you find a "fit".

You may not "feel" like an adoptive parent, but your child still EMOTIONALLY faces adoptee issues.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by magic41870

I did enable the men to give up rights to her. Her biodad first--because my husband wanted to adopt her. When I divorced husband, he gave up his rights because he had molested her. So, he didn't need anything more to do with her. My Dad has been there for her, so it's not like she hasn't had a positive male figure in her life.

If she feels she's ready to do this, then I'll stand by her. Like I said previously, I'll be there to pick up any pieces if need be.

So far though, all I've heard is that I was the whore and he didn't think the baby was his, blah blah blah. All coming from the conversation with him on Friday night. My skin isn't but so thick, and it hurts right much hearing these things. Granted, they're not true, but it still hurts. How would you like to be told you're an unfit parent because bio parent isn't around? Believe me, I'd heard so much crap this weekend that I'm sick of it all.

Thanks for your input. Counseling sounds good.

Did bio-dad put these words into your daughter's mouth? If so, I am not sure that you SHOULD agree to allow contact between them.

He is a legal stranger to her and if he is going to put these kinds of thoughts in her head, then perhaps its better to wait until she is 18 for them to meet. He has no rights and he cannot get any rights.

[magic41870]

Thank you for the links.

Bio-dad said I told him that child probably wasn't his and he's certain that I had my reasons for keeping her away from him. I'm not 100% certain of what anyone has said on the phone. But I will know tonight. I am calling him--this is between us 3 and I think I have a right to know his intentions.

[nextwife]

Originally Posted by magic41870

So far though, all I've heard is that I was the whore and he didn't think the baby was his, blah blah blah. All coming from the conversation with him on Friday night.

So this was NOT anything daughter heard from him? This was between you and he, correct?

[CJane]

Ummm. If he 'wasn't sure' the kid was his... how did he give up his rights?

[magic41870]

Good point, CJane. His parents supposedly convinced him that she wasn't his, that's why he signed the parental rights termination document. Never did he once ask for a dna test or anything. If he wasn't sure then, what makes him so sure now? No one can answer that. And there has never been any doubt in my mind that he her father.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by magic41870

Good point, CJane. His parents supposedly convinced him that she wasn't his, that's why he signed the parental rights termination document. Never did he once ask for a dna test or anything. If he wasn't sure then, what makes him so sure now? No one can answer that. And there has never been any doubt in my mind that he her father.

Was a DNA test EVER performed? Was paternity ever legally established?

Were either of these terminations of parental rights (TPRs) done through a court?? Signed off by a judge?