Unwanted Contact from dad-no-more

[ATMfamily]

Kansas

After 8 years of marrage, my husband finally had the oppertunity to adopt 2 of my Children. After many very ugly legal battles over visitationa nd child support, my X agreed to give up his rights in exchange for waiver of the 15 thousand dollers he owed in back chils support. The adoption was Finalized in front of a Kansas judge on August 10th 2005. My son had his 12th Birthday on Sep 23rd and on the 27th we recieved a card in the mail from my X sent directly to my son. I though the deal was he had NO rights, that we would never have to deal with him and he was not ALOUD to contact these kids till they were 18 years of age.

I woudl really like to know what my rights are and how I can keep this person from contacting us ever again.

 

[tigger22472]

well, my parents don't have rights to my children but they still send birthday cards. The cards have nothing to do with rights. He is now a legal stranger and you can treat him as such (RO if it qualifies as harrassment, tell him not to contact, not allow children contact). He's done nothing illegal if that's what you are asking.

 

[Zephyr]

did your son feel good getting the card from bio dad? really what does a card hurt?

 

[tigger22472]

did your son feel good getting the card from bio dad? really what does a card hurt?

I do have to admit that I do know how the OP feels. Nothing was illegally done, however, morally and 'right' are different which is why I told her to monitor it and maybe get a RO for harrassment.

The issue here is there is a parent who didn't want to step up to the plate and support (emotionally or financially) their children and only agrees to an adoption when money is waved (or in my case chose to ignore the filing) and yet the moment they are no longer required to face those obligations they decide it's time to start coming around.

Put yourself in the OP's shoes.. better yet... try this one on...

At time of filing there hasn't been contact for over two years ... the time prior to that was maybe contact every few months (anywhere from 2-8) for two years sporatically and was spent telling children what a terrible parent YOU are as well as other lies.

Child support has only been paid when the state happens to find them, and then only a few weeks at a time til they quit. Arrears add up to the tune of $25,000. The state attempt to have them served every 3 months for court but they evade that.

You file for a step-parent adoption for someone who has been there in every sense of the word for your kids. They choose to ignore the filing and adoption is finalized. Yet amazingly CSE gets them served the VERY next month and finds in contempt. Two months later CSE gets a garnishment. First payment is paid and less than 2 weeks later a b'day card is in the mail to the child.

You wouldn't be all that happy either.

OP I will tell you what I did. I showed my son his card, however I kept it and put it in my file folder. I also informed both children that if the other child got a b'day card (which he didn't) I would do the same (show him then keep it ) but that would be the end of it and that anything else that was sent would be automatically put in the folder without them knowing. They know all about my documentation and when they are older they can see anything, if there is anything, else sent.

 

[ATMfamily]

more info

In the beginning, there was the faithful every other weekend visits and the weekly payment. Everything changed after a new woman came into the picture. At this point, it was always about convincing ONE of the two children to come live with him. This way no one owed anyone anything. Never did he want BOTH kids. And besides that, We were a family of 4 kids and I was not about to give up 1 of them over money. As long as the State was not drawing anything from him, he was non existent. As soon as the state found him, it all started again.

He went so far with my daughter one time that he was ordered by the court no contact pending a psychological evaluation due to all the lies he was telling the kids about me to try to turn them against me and get 1 of them to live with him.

I will not share the B-Day card to my son, for it has words in it that as demeaning to me and my husband. I think my kids have had him come and go enough times in the last 5 years to not have to go through the loss again... ever.

 

[tigger22472]

In the beginning, there was the faithful every other weekend visits and the weekly payment. Everything changed after a new woman came into the picture. At this point, it was always about convincing ONE of the two children to come live with him. This way no one owed anyone anything. Never did he want BOTH kids. And besides that, We were a family of 4 kids and I was not about to give up 1 of them over money. As long as the State was not drawing anything from him, he was non existent. As soon as the state found him, it all started again..

ALMOST like looking in a mirror. My ex didn't see them a lot at first because of a woman and he moved out of state. He came back after about 6 months and moved in with his sister who pushed for him to see them EOW. However, JUST like you as long as CSE wasn't finding him we didn't hear anything. Literally the day it came out of his check he was calling. I mean I got to the point where I knew they had found him before they had a chance to notify me. And then of course I was everything in the book and I was preventing the relationship and he was 'paying support' as he'd so proudly boast..

Mine also threatened in the beginning to get custody. When his threat didn't tick me off and I told him that as a father I would EXPECT him to fight for his kids he told me if he couldn't get both he would go for one. He went as far as to tell me which one. That did tick me off because he picked the older because he believed that one was my favorite and because the younger one at that point would have gone with him in a heartbeat.

He went so far with my daughter one time that he was ordered by the court no contact pending a psychological evaluation due to all the lies he was telling the kids about me to try to turn them against me and get 1 of them to live with him. .

Now, that's bad. Mine would tell my kids that we moved and he didn't know and he'd found out by going to our old house. The last time they saw him in July of 2001 they were visiting my mom in her town and she had contacted. He wanted them overnight so true to form I never denied it. While there he told them he had '6 months and 2 days to live' and would never see them again. Eight months later I got a call to him because my son had to hear his voice to know that he really hadn't died. My son asked him why he lied, he told him that he hadn't lied that he really was dying. My son asked him when he went to the doctor last and he told him that he'd never been. That was April of 2002 and the last contact there was from him.

I will not share the B-Day card to my son, for it has words in it that as demeaning to me and my husband. I think my kids have had him come and go enough times in the last 5 years to not have to go through the loss again... ever.

I truly do understand. I debated it when I did it. I will be honest and tell you what I did. He had signed it "Love, Daddy" (which I left) but he'd said "Can't wait to see you" and "Call Me" with his number. I scanned it on my computer and took a permanent marker to the number and the 'Can't wait..." Some will laugh or give me a hard time for 'editing' my son's card but like you they had been through enough. We were settled.

August there was another compliance hearing on CS for the arrears and between him or his employer it's never gotten paid right. I truly believe when he let himself get caught one month after the finalization (July 2004) he did it thinking he no longer owed the arrears. Like you if he had contacted me I would have dropped it, or at least what I could as the state is owed some. I have been waiting for him to follow ONE court order at some time (he followed nothing in our divorce, including paying the attorney) for a bit of time and then I plan to ask to have the amount lowered and then eventually vacated. Yes, it goes to the kids and yes it's well needed but I lived without it before and could now. We're not as well off as we used to be as my husband was disabled in mid 2002 but we get by. This past August was the first time I went to the hearing as I'm not required. While there (mind you a different county than I live in and the adoption was done) he told the judge he wanted to 'address the fact that my children were adopted illegally.' He was properly served and I have the records of such, not to mention that it's been finalized for over a year now. The judge told him they didn't deal with that there but he only did it to 'get to me.' I'm going back to the hearing in October just to show him he didn't.

My children and I have discussed things and they have told me that if I ever hear that he's died they would like to know but that they will not ever go to a funeral.

I have told them that if at 18 they want to find him I will help them but that until then they are to live the life of typical teenagers without having to worry if he'll show up again.

 

[nextwife]

In the adoption community, having heard feedback from MANY, many adoptive parents and adult adoptees, bioparent contact, (as long as the reason for rights relinquishment was unrelated to any form of physical abuse, or sexual abuse, or physical neglect) is considered healthy for many children. That is why so many adoptions are now being done as "open adoptions".

Many children DO feel an emotional need to make or maintain bioparent contact. Have you asked your child what their feelings are on the subject? Have you worked with a therapist at all to help your child through the adoption process? Older child adoptions ARE different than newborn adoptions and the child may often have mixed feelings and need an UNBIASED third party, such as a therapist, to help them work through it.

NEITHER of my daughter's bioparents have ever supported her in any way, she was left at an orphanage shortly after birth. Even so, I believe she may want and need to have contact if it were possible, and I do not believe I would want to deny her her roots, even though I am NOW mom.

 

[ATMfamily]

The kids in this case are now 12 and 13. I understand in MANY cases the child may need contact for closure, but I also believe this contact may need to be put off until the child is old enough not to be manipulated, blamed or made feel guilty for what has happened.

When my daughter was 9, and the bio father was trying to talk her into living with him it started out with "we are not bad people. Your mom has had her chance, now it is our turn" and when that was not enough to move her into wanting to leave her 3 siblings it went to " you mom was a whore, she has herpes and she slept with other woman during our marriage"

I am a very professional woman, well known in my community and far from any of the things he claimed I was. Sure I was angry for the accusations that were made, but what hurt the most was to watch my 9 year old daughter feel like she has to determine who was telling the truth and why would her dad try to hurt her. I asked her what she did when he was telling her these things, and she said she was crying. She said she asked him to stop but he said he felt she needed to know these things.

As sad as it is, there are some cases where all ties should be broken. It is my JOB as a parent to protect my kids to the best of my ability and I tell ya, if a stranger approached your 9 year old child and discussed same-sex sex, prostitution and VD, you would view that person as a sexual predator and you would prosecute them to the end of the law. This was done by someone who was suppose to love and protect her, and instead she was used as a tool to try to get to me and avoid paying money. The last thing in the world I want is to expose my children to these kind of people. MY current husband and I thought the adoption would stop all of this, but not only do we get a card in the mail, but he has the audacity to call yesterday. Not to check on the kids mind you but to see if we were still married.....

I want him gone. If any one has any ideas on what legal steps I can take to protect my family, please share them with me, I will do whatever it takes (that is legal of course)

 

[brisgirl825]

The kids in this case are now 12 and 13. I understand in MANY cases the child may need contact for closure, but I also believe this contact may need to be put off until the child is old enough not to be manipulated, blamed or made feel guilty for what has happened.

When my daughter was 9, and the bio father was trying to talk her into living with him it started out with "we are not bad people. Your mom has had her chance, now it is our turn" and when that was not enough to move her into wanting to leave her 3 siblings it went to " you mom was a whore, she has herpes and she slept with other woman during our marriage"

I am a very professional woman, well known in my community and far from any of the things he claimed I was. Sure I was angry for the accusations that were made, but what hurt the most was to watch my 9 year old daughter feel like she has to determine who was telling the truth and why would her dad try to hurt her. I asked her what she did when he was telling her these things, and she said she was crying. She said she asked him to stop but he said he felt she needed to know these things.

As sad as it is, there are some cases where all ties should be broken. It is my JOB as a parent to protect my kids to the best of my ability and I tell ya, if a stranger approached your 9 year old child and discussed same-sex sex, prostitution and VD, you would view that person as a sexual predator and you would prosecute them to the end of the law. This was done by someone who was suppose to love and protect her, and instead she was used as a tool to try to get to me and avoid paying money. The last thing in the world I want is to expose my children to these kind of people. MY current husband and I thought the adoption would stop all of this, but not only do we get a card in the mail, but he has the audacity to call yesterday. Not to check on the kids mind you but to see if we were still married.....

I want him gone. If any one has any ideas on what legal steps I can take to protect my family, please share them with me, I will do whatever it takes (that is legal of course)

It's simple; move as far as you can, if you can.

When someone gives up their rights as a parent, that's it. You don't have to explain why you feel a STRANGER should NOT be talking, or communicating in various other ways, to your children. It is your right to choose how best to deal with this situation. If he were a sexually or physically abusive person no one would tell you, you should allow communication. Emotional abuse is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse.

 

[ATMfamily]

I wish I could, but unfortunately I am the one who has built a life here, with a good job and home and all. I am looking at a move in the next year though. Maybe then it will end. Untill then, he better stay in Alabama or he may loose a body part

 

[bononos]

How did he sign the card?

Love, Dad?

From, Joe Bob?

 

[VeronicaGia]

I wish I could, but unfortunately I am the one who has built a life here, with a good job and home and all. I am looking at a move in the next year though. Maybe then it will end. Untill then, he better stay in Alabama or he may loose a body part

Then get a P.O. box and change your address legally with the post office.

 

[ATMfamily]

What does it matter how he signed it, he sold his kids for 15K as far as I see it. Nothing he did was in the best interest of the kids from his side, always to benefit himself.

 

[bononos]

It must matter alot if you can't answer the question.

 

[ATMfamily]

Before i answer your question, may i ask why you are asking it?