what have I done

HI I'm a 37 year old male married for 9 years now I live in Mich... but back 13 or so years ago I was married to my first wife and we had two kids we divorced after the 2nd one was born. I was a big part of there life until she moved 400 miles up north. then I was just a weekend father... as time went by she took it on her own to move to a new spot and not tell me where.. this was hard on me not knowing where my kids where at! and not having the money to do anything abought it.. a few years went by and I had developed a drinking problem that got worse and worse over time.
next thing I know she was letting her new hubby adopt them! at this time I was drinking to much to deal with it. so it happened! ...
now its years later and I have my life together! I have not had a drink in 5 years! ...I miss my kids! I live with the hurt everyday of my life. is there any way to get them back in my life? at all..!!.
pls. help me what have I done !

[sroutlaw]

Tim,
First of all, congratulations on cleaning up your life and ending your drinking problem. That is something to be proud of!
Now, for brass tacks. You have literally NO chance of undoing the adoption unless your ex and her new hubby agree to it. I am assuming that the adoption happened several years ago, and that your kids have had minimal or no contact with you in several years, which means that not only legally but emotionally and in every way that counts, the new husband is their dad. Please let them have that stability. You have spent an adult lifetime making adult mistakes, some of your doing and some beyond your control, but now is the time to CHOOSE YOUR KIDS. You let them go-so please don't harrass and harangue them, their mom and their dad. The legal system isn't in your favor, and neither is any moral judgment, at this point.
The very best thing you could do would be write a letter to their mom, telling them you have no intention of interfering, but you would appreciate her sending pictures, perhaps a letter about the kids each year. Maybe you could send her letters for each child to receive when they turn eighteen or twenty-one, if she is agreeable to it. But really, give these kids the stable family life they did not get before. Be the bigger guy. Please.
Steph

Thank you Steph.. you are correct it was a long time ago when they were adopted..and as for harassing them I would (NEVER )do that I would not want to take away there stability ...what you said abought writing the mom a letter is a VERY good idea in fact I am going to do that..it will have to be a heart felt letter so it will take some time to write the first letter because she is very hateful toward me I don't know why! I never harassed her .. not to my knowledge.and I have had no contact with her or them in years. maybe it will help me put some closure to the hurt and guilt I feel every day...I want to thank you once again for that is the best advice anyone could have given me..it made me smile at the thought of my kids possibly reading a letter from me some day..Thanks oh P.S ironically enough my daughters name is Stephanie

Once the children turn 18, they are free to contact anyone they choose.

Hope this gives you a little light at the end of the tunnel.

How did he adopt your children if you are not dead and you did not (assuming) sign any paperwork letting this take place. The adoption sounds illegal especially if you had no idea.

c-ya

i had the same question. did you sign any papers for the adoption to happen?
i dont know much about this stuff my husbands x wants her nw husband to adopt their son.
from what we know he has to ok it.
once the x said she could do it with out his ok but as far as we know they cant or they would not have asked again in november.

[sroutlaw]

Definitely false info floating here.
You do NOT have to sign your rights away.
If you have not seen the child in a year (in some states, six months!), have not paid support, are incarcerated, have been otherwise proven unfit, the state can and will terminate your rights without your consent.
And that termination does not free you from previously due child support, FYI.
Just thought we might add some facts in LOL.
BTW, there IS a statute of limitations on reversing adoptions, even if you feel all the paperwork wasn't done correctly. In my state, MO, if you go a year after the adoption is final and then claim that there were errors in paperwork (ie, no signature on termination, what have you), it is still too late.

Just an eye opening look at your legal system at work. The law is there for the kids, not the parents. The feeling is, I think, that if a parent waits more than a year to see the kids/pay support/try to reverse a finalized adoption, that isn't much of a parent. I happen to agree

Steph

Tim,

Because you know about the adoption, one assumes you are able to write them. Perhaps send a simple, non-emotional letter to let them know about your nondrinking status and your best wishes for them, and send love to the children.

Your exwife and husband need a reason to believe in you, and you may want to offer them a reference from your family or employer about your life change.

Don't push! If you're happy with yourself, your children will one day want to see you, and their mother and stepfather will have confidence in it being ok. It may even lead to you being a part of their lives again.

Meet your need for family life by being available as a friend to others until you meet someone special. Remember that a person happy with themselves makes the best partner or parent.

John

steph

? is you
my husband is paying support but does not see child because of x wife. it has been sometime.

can she use that against him?
mother lets child see fathers family and thats where we sometimes get to see him. we specially try to get our son there
the children unfortunally dont know each other because of all this.


thanks, tim sorry for saying on your post
no one has answered on mine. good luck to u

[sroutlaw]

Grumpy-
Sorry, didn't catch your "real time" name!
or state...
But, I would say offhand, yes, she could use that in court to get the father's rights revoked. He will have to be served or otherwise notified of the hearing to terminate his rights, so he can speak up then.
However, if he has a custody order, there is no REAL reason he should not have his visitation with his child. He can petition HER for contempt of court if he is being denied visitation, and this would stave off her argumen that he is not visiting as well as get her in some hot water.
I would wonder why he hasn't bothered to do this though? I mean that is a simple thing to do, you don't even need representation to file papers and appear in court on contempt, and most judges are VERY unhappy to hear one parent is denying the other court order visits.
If he does not have established visitation, he better get it quick-or lose his child. However, if I may, you might really consider giving up his rights as it would pertain to the child. Would the child be hurt by it in any way, if your fiance is currently not the real time father to the child? Is there any BENEFIT to the child in having the adoption go through? Is there any NONSUBJECTIVE ( I don't care if you think mom is a bit*( or stepdad is an a**, that is all petty stuff, I am talking about the KID here!) reason for your fiance to hang on to this child whom he has such a very small relationship with?
More facts, please/
S

due to lack of money and thinking best to stay away for childs best interest did not take mom to court.

father was a child of divorce and did not want his child hurt,
like he was by his parents.

(for the record we are married now.)we live in maryland
when he goes back to court he does want a lawyer
because in the past not using one in that county works against you. he went that road in the past.

he does not want to give up his child because he wants to know the child it was not his choice to stay away. that was mothers doing. she knows he does not have alot of money.
also doesn't his son and ours have a right to know each other
they are brothers maybe not whole but they are related too.

besides paying past and present support, he has to help take care of our family. we both work and have a son to raise also.

I wrote the x wife a letter apologizing for everything that I had done wrong in the past and ask her to send me pics and updates on the kids..much to my surprise she did it now we are talking back and forth on email--- for the rest of the posters you need to go back and read my first post I said that she moved away and did not let me know where.. all it takes is 2 years of non visitation and non support for her to let her husband adopted them**************
steph just for kicks here is a copy of my letter, and her responce.


my letter to her,,,,,,,,

HI. Pleas read this before you throw it away..I really don't know were to start. I will start by saying I'm sorry!! I'm sorry for everything
that happened in the past. it took me a long time (years) to realize that everything that went wrong in our lives was all my fault!!
I would like to pretend that I don't know how it happened..but the truth of it all is I do know how ! .and I have to live with that
for the rest of my life! but I don't want you to have to go threw the rest of your life full of hatred toward me..
but if you do I don't blame you for it.I also want you to know that the drugs and alcohol are no longer a part of my life.
I went to rehab, and have been clean now for almost 8 years, and I have been married to Michelle for 4 years ..we have been together for 9 years..I don't know if you get the money that friend of the court takes out of my check but I assure you that I have not missed a payment..I owe so much that I will be paying for the rest of my life! I have been laid off sense Sep 11th and my unemployment has run out and I still cant find a job things are really tuff in the job market but I will find one soon...allthoew it may seam my life has come together there is still the hurt and guilt that I have to live with every day. I would like you to know that There has not been a day go by that I don't think abought Neil and Stephanie.
I visit with them in my mind every day! its the only way I can get threw the day..the hurt and guilt I feel is overwhelming!
I hope and pray that what I have done to them has not interfered with them growing up healthy in body and mind.
I know that there is no chance you will let me see or talk to them so I will not even ask.. but what I am asking is
maybe you can send me a picture of them from time to time and maybe tell me what's going on in there lives.
that's all I am asking for I will not bother you guys if you decide not to ..if you have a computer you can write me at [email]tbarber3@home.com[/email] or just send a letter telling me to leave you alone.. (better yet) if I don't here from you I will not bother you again.. oh I did not put my last name on the return address on the front of the envelope just encase one of the kids happened to see it..
I would not want it to bother them..I hope I have not offended you in any way with this letter because that was not my intention.

her responce

I read your letter. The kids are doing good. They are both on the honor
roll at school and are working hard to keep their grades up so they can go
to college. They have a couple great roll models who are their aunt and
uncle. Their aunt went to Michigan State and is helping them look at
colleges and what they need to do to get in like grades, scholarships, and
grants. Neil is wanting to follow his uncle and become a State Police
Officer.

As for pictures I will try to send you some via email but if that doesn't
work I will send them through the mail.

As for the checks from friend of the court, yes, I have been getting them
and just for you info they are being put into the kids savings account for
them to use after graduation.


I owe it all to you steph..Thanks
I have rececived lots of pics of the kids too

Tim,

Speaking as a "kid" on the kid end of your situation, I have to provide some input here....

I found out a few days ago that my natural father is dying. He didn't raise me. I didn't have any contact with him as a child until I was 16, and then it was minimal at best. (Accidental, actually). But the news of his illness brought up all kinds of old issues for me. The rejection. The pain. The anger. The inability as a responsible adult to understand how he could not follow through on his responsibilities to me, his child. All of this stemmed from the fact that I never really had contact with him. Now I don't really have much of a chance. In a few months he'll be gone.

As someone speaking from the child end of things, I think you should at least ask your wife if she will ask the kids if they wish to see you. If she tells them you want to see them, be part of their life even in a small way, and they say no, then at least they will know you tried....