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When and what to tell child?

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Gracie3787

Senior Member
What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Florida
I'd like to get some input and opinions on when and how my daughter should tell her son who his bio father is. (the bio father is my son).

My grandson is 4 years old. My son and daughter-in-law both have mental illnesses and weren't capable of raising a child. When my grandson was 13 months old, CPS removed him and my daughter recieved temp custody pending the parents completing a parenting course and getting jobs, cleaning the home, etc. They didn't, and the court severed their parental rights, when my grandson was 2.

My daughter adopted him 6 months later. We know that the bio mom will NEVER be a part of Brian's life, she is on drugs and has tried to kidnap another one of her children that the state took away.

My son is in prison at this time, and hasn't seen Brian since the day the CPS worker took him away, but he says that he'd like to be a part of his life when he gets out.

Brian is aware that he is adopted and has been asking about why he doesn't have a daddy and when can he get a daddy, etc. Originally, we (daughter, me, family) discussed referring to bio dad as "uncle" (which my son is a little upset with, but he at least understands why). We didn't want to tell him who his real dad is, our concern was that it would be hard for others to understand that Brian's mommy and daddy are actually brother and sister. But I'm not so sure that this is the best way to handle it.

I told my daughter that I'd post on here and get some opinions from other adoptive parents.

At what age might it be best to fully explain to Brian the circumstances of his bio parents and adoption?

Should we refer to his bio dad as "uncle" or just by his name, or might that be a problem for Brian later when he learns that the man he calls uncle is his bio dad?

It's all very confusing and Brian is such a well adjusted happy little boy that we are afraid of causing problems for him by doing the wrong thing.

Any suggestions/opinions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Gracie :confused:
 


brisgirl825

Senior Member
I was just talking to someone last night about similar things.

I'd say that if a child is asking, the truth is best. Obviously use terms the child can understand and leave out details that they aren't ready for. The child will find out the truth one way or another. If there are lies, it could cause resentment.

We tell my kids that, they are so special that they get to have two dads! They love that, you know, more is better when you're little! Maybe she can say something along those lines.

At any rate, only your daughter knows what is best. She knows the details of the situation, the child's readiness, etc. No one here can give you the right answer, only opinions.

GL.
 
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porkchop1191

Junior Member
I have to agree with the first post by brisgirl, I have a friend in FL who adopted her grandaughter when she was just a baby, her son & daughter in law was a mess, son was mentally disable and phyically too after a car wreck, mother of the child on drugs and in and out of jail, CPS took the baby and put her in foster care, when my friend caught wind of everything happening in VA (thats where the couple lived at the time) to this baby (her grand baby) she flew there to see what she could do, the state let my friend adopt the baby because she was the only one who wanted and needed this baby. The son now lives with my friend in FL with the grand baby, when the lil girl turned 7 she was asking questions about her Mom & Dad and why they never come to see her, My friend then sat her down and explained to her what happened when she was a baby and told her that she was special and had two mommys and a grand mommy and that her Daddy infact lived with her the whole time, (the son was always refured to by his name) Not Daddy OR Uncle. HONESTY is ALWAYS best when it comes to a child.....They NEVER forget! ;) Hopefully your Daughter will see this too :D
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
I concur with both answers above. Your daughter needs to be honest with him, but also stand her ground to protect him. Your grandson might want to 'live' with your son or who knows whatever else when your son gets out and your son might even think it be best to comply with that but your daughter needs to let your grandson know that even though this is his biological dad that she's still his mommy and she has his best interests at heart.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I have been mulling this around and I think that I have a different opinion than the rest of you.

Legally, he is the child's uncle. There is nothing wrong with the child calling him uncle since that is his legal relationship to the child. The child is only 4 and that's awfully young to understand the dynamics. In addition...while we all wish the best for Brian, its unknown at this point whether or not he will be able to pull his life together and become a responsible citizen.

I personally think it would be better to wait a while longer. I think it would be easier for the child to understand a little further down the road.
 

BlondiePB

Senior Member
It's up to the mother how to handle this, Gracie. Since you have asked opinions to "mull" around, I do agree with LdiJ. Dave has no say-so about this. First of all, Dave is legally Brian's uncle. Brian is too young to understand all this.

I don't make it a habit about posting much about my personal affairs and family and will make an exception for you. One of my sister's and her husband adopted her granddaughter when the child was very young like Brian. The child always knew she was adopted. The date of the adoption is still celebrated today (girl is now 17). My sister introduced the child to certain things that were age appropriate. For instance, about the age Brian is now, they went to an animal shelter and adopted a cat. That was a very special cat to be adopted by them, just like the little girl was special and adopted. That was a very ingenious idea, and the child understood a lot more about adoption.

As the child grew, things would come up. The parents would take such opportunities to let their daughter know things. For example, when the girl was an adolescent, she fell rollerblading and broke her wrist. While at the hospital, my sister told her about the times when she was very little about her other fractures (inflicted by bio-mom's boyfriend). The girl was not old enough to know about what bio-mom's boyfriend did yet. She was told about having fractures.

The girl knew she had a brother, who was a very important part of her life and a minor at the time of adoption, and a sister (her bio-mom) who lived in a different state. When the girl was a pre-teen, she met her sister (bio-mom). She did not know yet that her sister was her bio-mother. When the girl was a young teenager, her mother helped a friend that was a victim of domestic violence. The girl saw how this woman was battered. It was at this time, that my sister took the opportunity to talk with her daughter about what happened to her when she was a baby. Not too long afterwards, the girl did know that her sister was her bio-mom. They did establish a sister/sister relationship prior to her knowing this.

To this day, the girl calls her sister (bio-mom) by her first name. They are sisters and have a great sister/sister relationship. This girls knows exactly who her mother and father are and calls them mom and dad -- the parents who adopted her. Brian will have a step-dad when his mother gets married. Hopefully, your daughter's husband will adopt Brian.

Have faith that what Brian needs to know what he needs to know, things will naturally happen when they need to happen. His mother can tell him the truth about his life when the opportunities arise making them appropriate for his age and comprehension.
 

Gracie3787

Senior Member
Thank you for your replies. My daughter and I were talking a while ago and I read her all your replies, she asked me to thank you for her also.

She was very grateful for the reminder that her brother really is legally Brian's uncle, we had both forgotten that. I know, and I always tell her, that the final decisions are always hers to make- not mine or anyone else's. My daughter and I are very close, we discuss just about everything. While she values my opinions, she knows that what I say is just that- my opinion, then she makes her own decisions. Sometimes I don't agree, but I am glad that I succeeded in raising her to be strong about decision making. She's a great Mom, and I'm so proud of her. (sorry, just had to do some bragging).

She told me tonite that she's going to take one day at a time, and answer his questions as honestly as she can when he asks.

Hopefully this will give you a smile: While waiting for the adoption process to go through my daughter kept telling Brian that her and him were going to go see a man who is a Judge, and that the Judge was going to make him her "baby" forever. As 3 year olds do, he got it a little mixed up and he told me that the Judge was going to turn him INTO a baby again. I told hiim, and my daughter did too, that what mommy meant was that the Judge was going to make him be mommy's lttle boy forever.
We thought he understood, but at the adoption, when the Judge said "congratulations, you are now and forever Mother and son" my grandson said " Look mommy- I'm a boy now". :) I guess it just shows how intelligent kids are- he didn't need any judge to tell him who his mommy was- he already knew.

Thanks again for your responses.
Gracie :)
 

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