Abandoned Husband

[Evershine]

Thank you so much LdiJ for your straight, to the point answers. I will print this entire page and have him go through it tomorrow afternoon and discuss. If there are any other legalities he should look out for, please advise.

Thanks once again to all for your thoughtful replies and concerns.

 

[cyjeff]

Tell your friend that if he leaves the kids, he should also plan on paying child support.

 

[Evershine]

Tell your friend that if he leaves the kids, he should also plan on paying child support.

Good point but I have no idea as to whether she can claim child support when he is claiming spousal support for all reasons aforementioned. He never wanted to LEAVE the kids per se. Please read and understand previous posts. Thanks.

 

[Evershine]

I met with the husband at his place yesterday and discussed his situation. Here’s the recap in brief:

I showed the printed out page of our discussion here and we went through it. He thanks everyone for their kind and thoughtful contribution.

He seems mainly depressed because he misses his kids and is left all alone and no one to talk to, other than a couple of his old “forgotten” friends that are out-of-state and with somewhat help. He wanted to call the police for missing kids or kidnapping since his wife took the kids and sneaked out on him while he was sleeping and has no idea about their whereabouts or any response from calling them on their cell phones, not even from the kids. He believes that the kids are being “silenced” by their mom. He has called her family members and friends, but no one seems to know or perhaps release their whereabouts. After reading the note his wife left him and contemplating on some of the replies on this forum, he decided to just wait silently until he gets the divorce papers and court orders. He has already packed up most of his personal stuff. Being family friends of ours, we have also tried to call her up, but to no answers.

The questions now are as follows:
1. Can he still call the police and report missing or kidnapped kids and explain?
2. Divorce proceeding takes long time and he has a $3000 check left by his wife which he just deposited and will take two weeks to clear. He has current house bills unpaid such as gas, electric, phone/cable/internet, groceries and fuel for his car to pay out of that $3000 to live on since his wife is not there to pay for them. He will also incur monthly rent of $1800 by the end of this month as well must he continue to stay. How can he possibly live and move out with that kind of money when he must pay the rent and bills of his current and perhaps future expenses until he moves out of his current residence, which may take anywhere from a month to six months or more until divorce is finalized or as per court orders? He will have nothing left and require more should he decide to continue to stay. He wants to move out ASAP without further incurring current expenses. What must he do in this regard?
3. He thinks that since she can fight back his claim for spousal alimony, he does not want to pursue it any longer and cannot afford an attorney to fight for it but just wants to get the divorce over with, move out asap and have them back in.
4. How can he pay for child support when she has been the breadwinner, has been supporting all of them, earns more than enough to even claim for it otherwise and requesting spousal support? Besides, how can she get child support from him when he is 2 years jobless, has no money and the wife has been supporting them all with ease in the first place? Remember, she makes over 70K+.

 

[Ohiogal]

Did dad call the children's schools? They can tell him if the children are attending, still enrolled or if their records have been transferred. Dad can also go to the children's schools to speak with them.

 

[LdiJ]

I met with the husband at his place yesterday and discussed his situation. Here’s the recap in brief:

I showed the printed out page of our discussion here and we went through it. He thanks everyone for their kind and thoughtful contribution.

He seems mainly depressed because he misses his kids and is left all alone and no one to talk to, other than a couple of his old “forgotten” friends that are out-of-state and with somewhat help. He wanted to call the police for missing kids or kidnapping since his wife took the kids and sneaked out on him while he was sleeping and has no idea about their whereabouts or any response from calling them on their cell phones, not even from the kids. He believes that the kids are being “silenced” by their mom. He has called her family members and friends, but no one seems to know or perhaps release their whereabouts. After reading the note his wife left him and contemplating on some of the replies on this forum, he decided to just wait silently until he gets the divorce papers and court orders. He has already packed up most of his personal stuff. Being family friends of ours, we have also tried to call her up, but to no answers.

The questions now are as follows:
1. Can he still call the police and report missing or kidnapped kids and explain?
2. Divorce proceeding takes long time and he has a $3000 check left by his wife which he just deposited and will take two weeks to clear. He has current house bills unpaid such as gas, electric, phone/cable/internet, groceries and fuel for his car to pay out of that $3000 to live on since his wife is not there to pay for them. He will also incur monthly rent of $1800 by the end of this month as well must he continue to stay. How can he possibly live and move out with that kind of money when he must pay the rent and bills of his current and perhaps future expenses until he moves out of his current residence, which may take anywhere from a month to six months or more until divorce is finalized or as per court orders? He will have nothing left and require more should he decide to continue to stay. He wants to move out ASAP without further incurring current expenses. What must he do in this regard?
3. He thinks that since she can fight back his claim for spousal alimony, he does not want to pursue it any longer and cannot afford an attorney to fight for it but just wants to get the divorce over with, move out asap and have them back in.
4. How can he pay for child support when she has been the breadwinner, has been supporting all of them, earns more than enough to even claim for it otherwise and requesting spousal support? Besides, how can she get child support from him when he is 2 years jobless, has no money and the wife has been supporting them all with ease in the first place? Remember, she makes over 70K+.

First, mom has NOT kidnapped the children and they are not missing...they are with their mother. Calling the police would be pointless.

His 3000.00 would go a lot faster if he gets out of the house ASAP and uses the money to get an inexpensive place of his own...even renting just a room somewhere for the time being might be the way to go. He shouldn't use any of the money to pay bills at the current house, let his wife worry about those when she moves back in.

He is going to have to get some sort of job...something, anything, because that 3k won't last forever even if he finds a really good deal and is very frugal.

He is also eventually going to have to pay some sort of child support, even if its based only on minimum wage.

 

[Evershine]

Thank you LdiJ for your reply.

First, mom has NOT kidnapped the children and they are not missing...they are with their mother. Calling the police would be pointless.

It was just a thought he had in mind since she fled with the kids behind his back and not knowing their whereabouts. But its okay, understood.

His 3000.00 would go a lot faster if he gets out of the house ASAP and uses the money to get an inexpensive place of his own...even renting just a room somewhere for the time being might be the way to go. He shouldn't use any of the money to pay bills at the current house, let his wife worry about those when she moves back in.

Are you suggesting him to move out asap and find an inexpensive place so that he does not have to incur high rent and other expenses at his current residence? True that there are places he can find under $500 a month, such as room-to-let, studios or guest quarters, but I believe he will deplete the $3000 faster than if he stays put at least for now or until he receives divorce papers and court orders (hopefully any time this week). He can also talk to his landlord and leave a message on his wife's voicemail as well referencing the rent and utility bills which are under her name and assumes that she may pay them. Besides, I thought he was not suppose to move out as previously stated, which btw, he wanted to in the first place. Its not that he doesn't have friends in other states and other countries (Canada/Australia) but no one here in Cali. and he just might move out-of-country as his last option worse-cum-worse. But that would also depend on court orders.

He is going to have to get some sort of job...something, anything, because that 3k won't last forever even if he finds a really good deal and is very frugal.

Yes, he has been and IS trying his best and applying to several companies including temps that fit his profile here in Cali. It has become harder for him because of economy, big gap in being unemployed and nearing 50. He did mention that his wife was flexible in rather having him at home in taking care of kids, house chores and other routines as it seems, and that she has been giving him 2 to 3 hundred dollars a month to support his personal expenses. Perhaps he thinks that she may be using him for those reasons.

He is also eventually going to have to pay some sort of child support, even if its based only on minimum wage.

Can't seem to understand this one, since it's the husband that needs "temporary" support until he finds work and besides she has been giving allowance as well for all these times. He is puzzled as to why would he pay for child support when he has nothing to offer and even if he works a minimum wage, when she already has been and continuing to support not just the kids but ALL and EVERYTHING without hassle. That he just can't seem to vision and if that happened, it would be unjustified so he believes.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Can't seem to understand this one, since it's the husband that needs "temporary" support until he finds work and besides she has been giving allowance as well for all these times. He is puzzled as to why would he pay for child support when he has nothing to offer and even if he works a minimum wage, when she already has been and continuing to support not just the kids but ALL and EVERYTHING without hassle. That he just can't seem to vision and if that happened, it would be unjustified so he believes.

To put it simply: because they're his children. He's a parent, and parents are responsible for taking care of their children. The kids can't stop needing food, clothing, and shelter just because he's not working. And yes, I understand that she's making a lot of money and he's unemployed, but that still doesn't make her more of a parent than he is.

 

[LdiJ]

He has every right to stay in the marital home until a judge tells him to get out. However, when I realized that it was a rental and it was 1800.00 a month, it became clear that he should not waste any of that 3000.00 paying bills for that house. It would be gone immediately. I highly doubt that she will pay them, because even though 70k is a decent income, its not going to 100% support two households.

 

[Astrolink]

First, I'm not an attorney. Your friend needs one immediately.

It appears he has been the primary parent the last couple years. You stated he has taken care of the household duties and the children while unemployed during that time.

If he leaves the area, he will most likely be conceding custody to his ex. He will be ordered to pay child support whether he works or not. It's impossible to share any kind of physical custody if they live thousands of miles apart unless they are wealthy, which you've made clear is not the case.

Since his wife has left with the kids, it may be far more effective for him to have an emergency hearing for custody, thus he would get child support if custody were ordered to him. You also stated the kids want to live with their mom, and you said they were teenagers. What are their exact ages? Do you have any idea why they feel this way (as in, is he a poor parent in their eyes, or are they being bribed.) The circumstances can make a difference.

He may or may not be entitled to alimony. His past work history may play a bearing, along with many other criteria that are used.

Or, is this not what he wants? Some folks don't want to be parents. If he moves to Texas, he will probably be responsible for transportation. Since he's not working and there will be child support to pay, this may be economically difficult. To not see the parent that has been the primary one for the last 2 years will not be good for the children. Has your friend looked at all at the long term consequences of moving far away?

Your friend needs talk to a local attorney immediately to know his rights and options. Remember that I'm not one.

Just one more thing to add: I've noticed that those that are passive when it comes to divorce and family law often get trampled. It's not a time to sit back and let things happen.

 

[Evershine]

He has every right to stay in the marital home until a judge tells him to get out. However, when I realized that it was a rental and it was 1800.00 a month, it became clear that he should not waste any of that 3000.00 paying bills for that house. It would be gone immediately. I highly doubt that she will pay them, because even though 70k is a decent income, its not going to 100% support two households.

Yes, you certainly have a good point there. He still has about 2 weeks to move out before end of this month and may be, just maybe extend his stay a little more by requesting his landlord. They have stayed in their rental for nearly six years and have excellent relations with their landlord, since they always payed rental in time and taken good care of the condo. As I mentioned earlier that he was/is ready to move but only awaiting divorce papers and court orders as stated by his wife and then thenceforth take it from there. This all started just last week and he has no idea what's coming/cooking. The only expenses he may take out out of the $3000 as of current, is car fuel and groceries. He may voicemail or send a text message to his wife's cell phone, should there be any current outstanding house bills that needs immediately paid, else he shall pay them out of the $3000. It seems that he is okay for now staying put and saving. What say you? Thanks.

 

[Evershine]

Speaking for myself, I am just as puzzled as the husband, to even reflect on the husband's current situation where he has no job, no money and no one to seek help from here in Cali, let alone pay for unforeseen child support? In fact, it is him who need spousal support to carry him through in this difficult times, at least temporarily. Even if he did find work (which does not seem likely immediately and may take some time, perhaps months who knows), I'm sure he will struggle or maintain to support himself, let alone child support for two. I am simply baffled with this kind of unjustified approach of having him to pay for child support or cut off his minimum wage when his wife has already all the means to support them all and still needs more. What a cruel world we're living in!!!!

It's all together a different matter when it comes to visitation rights, overnight/weekend stays and occasional spendings and outings, as being a good single parent, must they get divorced. But herein and worst off, what if he simply can't pay and if forced, he may move out-of-state or out-of-country and still keep in touch with his kids for obvious reasons until he gets well settled. The mother and kids do very well know and understand his position/situation. The kids are finishing high school adults and soon to join college and work (if they too are fortunate to find one in our current economic meltdown, let alone their dad's). Does the dad still must pay for child support once his kids are working adults? One more thing to consider is that the mom can easily double or at least increase her salary, being a health care professional. Do the judges/attorneys here in the United States have no sense or that dense to understand such natural and legit situations? Just my own 2cents.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Child support would be based on his ability to pay, including the consideration of his living expenses. It will also consider the mother's income and expenses. He won't exactly be living the Life of Riley with what's left over, but neither will he be expected to live in a cardboard box.

Look at it this way. What if the mother loses her job tomorrow? What if she becomes disabled or incurs other major medical expenses? What if she's hit by a truck and your friend becomes a single parent? Who, then, should be responsible for feeding his children? The rest of us? We have our own children to feed.

Regardless of how much she makes, the mother should not be 100% responsible for the care of her children. They're his children too.

California has an online support calculator, which can be found here.

https://www.cse.ca.gov/ChildSupport/cse/guidelineCalculator?conv_instance=1c72203f-0ed9-4141-bb1e-8ed95705a218&conv_id=none

I doubt you'll be able to answer most of these questions, so you'll need his input. It should give him a good idea of what to expect.

 

[stealth2]

I have to be honest - it's time for your friend to man up and retrieve his balls from his wife's purse.

And he should be the one posting here.

 

[Evershine]

Child support would be based on his ability to pay, including the consideration of his living expenses.

The husband has nothing to offer in monetary terms other than most of his belongings that he will leave behind. Assuming that he even finds minimum wage job, I very much doubt that he can "produce" child support AFTER all taxes, bills and expenses.

Look at it this way. What if the mother loses her job tomorrow? What if she becomes disabled or incurs other major medical expenses? What if she's hit by a truck and your friend becomes a single parent? Who, then, should be responsible for feeding his children? The rest of us? We have our own children to feed.

These are hypothetical questions and can go both ways. Those are not dependent upon current situations. They both carry life insurances and the wife has savings, SSI, 401k and other financial protection, not to mention a high paying job for years.

Regardless of how much she makes, the mother should not be 100% responsible for the care of her children.

She has been and continues to do so, all 100% financially for few years now. He does not have a dime of his own, as far as I can tell. All his own monies have been depleted and credit cards charged off over the past years.

They're his children too.

He has taken a good care of them too, right from birth and loves them dearly. He has tried calling them on their cell phones, but the wife has stopped them from answering. He checked with their school this morning and yes they were present. He wanted to see them but denied because of wife.

Here, though not sure, why has the wife stopped his kids from talking over the phone or seeing them at school, without any divorce papers or court orders? And what makes her fled with the kids? They are not part of husband/wife problem? What would happen if the husband took the kids after school (though unlikely that he will or can). Just curious to know?

California has an online support calculator, which can be found here.

https://www.cse.ca.gov/ChildSupport/cse/guidelineCalculator?conv_instance=1c72203f-0ed9-4141-bb1e-8ed95705a218&conv_id=none

I doubt you'll be able to answer most of these questions, so you'll need his input. It should give him a good idea of what to expect.

I shall have him look into it.

Thanks.