Abandoned Husband

[Evershine]

I have to be honest - it's time for your friend to man up and retrieve his balls from his wife's purse.

I have known them for many years, especially the wife and after knowing their stories, I can attest to that myself. His wife has done a lot for him over the past few years. Now that she has gone, she left him with enough money to move out, the title of her car to transfer in his name, anything that he wishes to take with him and the luxury of home that he is currently living (of course not for long). The husband is otherwise good natured, educated and talented. Just having some bad times I guess and their relationship not working out.

And he should be the one posting here.

He can't.

He is almost packed up ready to leave but awaiting documents. He is also looking hard for work and a place to live. He called a few that were rooms-to-let and guest quarters but they all denied because he is unemployed. He may also consider welfare and govt. housing. Talking to him this afternoon, he also mentioned ending his life (funnily perhaps as a joke) as his last resort if nothing works out and no where to go, which was a shocker and gave me goose bumps but then I wised him up.

Thanks.

 

[Evershine]

Update: the husband has not received divorce and/or court orders as of yet. Perhaps she has come to know and afraid that all her assets will be divided and may also provide for ongoing spousal support including court/lawyers fees if any. What must he do now or what are his alternatives? How can he find out whether she has filed for divorce or not? Should he file for divorce himself in counter and state spousal support and visitation rights or just wait a little longer?

He has a week left before this month’s end when rent will be due. Perhaps she will pay the rent or he may extend his stay by talking to his landlord. She has requested change-of-address at the post office and seems unlikely that she will move back anytime soon or pay the rent but that needs to be seen at month’s end. On the contrary, he can pay the rent (negotiated minimum) out of the $3000 and continue his stay and look for alternatives. He has not received any notices of moving out from anyone either (i.e. court or landlord). Obviously, he has no idea what’s going to happen and neither can he find a place to live since he is unemployed (rentals need job assurances). Thus far, he seems completely broken down.

He visited their children’s after school session last week but they seemed shocked and refused to see him, surely defined by mom. But then he received text messages from his daughter later that evening that she was sorry and wants to see him provided he brings all the mail of their mom. He agreed and visited the school today, just to find out that she was not there and the school officials had no idea(extremely shocking to say the least). Now the husband seems more worried and at the same time 'angry'.

Any support/suggestions will be helpful. Thanks.

 

[Evershine]

He visited their children’s after school session last week but they seemed shocked and refused to see him, surely defined by mom. But then he received text messages from his daughter later that evening that she was sorry and wants to see him provided he brings all the mail of their mom. He agreed and visited the school today, just to find out that she was not there and the school officials had no idea(extremely shocking to say the least). Now the husband seems more worried and at the same time 'angry'.

Any support/suggestions will be helpful. Thanks.

He received further text messages from his daughter and as well from his wife, stating that all the mail be brought to their daughter's school tomorrow and take permission from school officials to visit her? It seem that she is using her daughter for her mail delivery. He sent the wife a text message stating that he is not a mailman for her and stop using their children and keep them out of this and that he only wants to meet with her with true intentions since he misses and loves the kids dearly. She has not responded.

 

[Mamax2]

Ok, having read all this, can someone explain how the mother can keep the father from seeing the kids at school without a PO? He has just as much right to them as she does, and for the school to deny him that because she said so, I believe, is incorrect. Honestly, if I were in his shoes, knowing she's already changed the address at the post office, would have gotten copies of updated school records for the kids (with their current address) or medical records, and (since she said she doesn't want anything she left), listed anything I didn't want or need on craigslist and gotten rid of it and used that money too. I'd also think he could go down to the county and lookup the file to see if she's really filed for divorce, or she's bluffing and trying to get him out. I know 3000 doesn't get you a lot and don't think she didn't think of all that, given what she's done already. Does he also realize that he's entitled to half of what she's been putting into 401ks and investments through the marriage as well? Might be awhile til he'd get that though. That could be quite a tidy sum, depending on how it was invested. Also, not certain but with that length of time, if she had a pension, would he have any claim to any of it? These are things seniors here could probably answer, but ask him that as well. Might help put things in more perspective for him that she doesn't get to dump him like a high school kid, without any strings or impact to her. Tell him also that since she has a lawyer, of course they are going to fight back on any claims he makes in getting any money... that's their job!! They will probably fight him on every claim he makes at the beginning, and he needs to realize that's their job, to lookout for their client, not him. He needs to take a step back and look at this a bit differently. If this was his child living this, and he was on the outside looking in and saw this, what would her tell them, roll over, give them what they want and move on, or get what you are afforded by law? Sorry, I'm in the get what I'm entitled to by law camp. Yep, may sound bad, but no one else is looking out for him but him (cause she isn't) and he needs to start taking control over that part of his life.

I'd think he could go to Legal Aid and check if he qualifies for help from them as well as he has nothing (but I'm not certain - not a lawyer here). Also, tell dad to just talk with an attorney (some do a free consult) and get an idea of what his rights are and what can be done, costs, timeframes, etc cause she's trying to put the screws to him, and then ask for his legal fees to be paid for by her, and ask that she continue to pay for his insurance... just things like that that can really start costing her much more than she anticipated. I found that just knowing what is up ahead is enough to take the edge off the fear of what's coming, and he needs to know this so he doesn't do something to mess up his chances (like try to offset alimony from child support). Knowledge is definately power in dealing with the law, and you can't be afraid of it. He needs to get past the panic and waiting and start being active in this divorce role and protect himself, as only he can do that. And please have him join us, even if it is logging in at the library.

On a side note, is it that bad out there that he can't find a part time cashier job even? (Sorry, live in my own little world and just keep working away, yet noticed I'm seeing signs for workers needed all over lately, though I'm not in CA).

 

[kimberlywrites]

I have to be honest - it's time for your friend to man up and retrieve his balls from his wife's purse.

And he should be the one posting here.

EXTREMELY well put, Stealth. My thoughts exactly.
And another poster suggested he take some of that $3,000 and pay for a consult with a lawyer. A consult should only cost a hundred bucks or so. This way, he will learn what his legal rights are. He does not have to hire the lawyer, just pay for a consult.

 

[Evershine]

Okay, so the husband got served few days ago by stbx’s attorney in person along with another check of $2000 from his wife (now totaling $5000) for him to move out and find his own way. There was nothing for him to sign, nor are there any court hearings or custody restrictions. He did talk to her attorney for some time about their relationship and to come to terms to be agreed by his wife and found some errors on the forms as well, which the attorney noted and then left.

The attorney mentioned to him that the papers being served are for “uncontested dissolution” and not finalized. The attorney also stated that he has to do nothing for now and will get back to him after talks with the wife, as per what he discussed and requested. The husband did call the attorney back later that same day for other essential stuff he recalled and left message on his cell phone to return the call which he has not yet.

The husband later noticed on the petition’s form FL100 that the “terminate to award spousal support” and “attorney’s fees and costs” boxes were checked on the husband (respondent). Also a past expired DV case was noted as well on another form FL105/GC120 (note: the form states to provide “current cases in effect", which are none).

Questions:
1. Does the husband need to respond to the summons within 30 days as stated or wait for attorney to get back to him?
2. Can the husband be ordered to pay attorney’s costs as checked on the form even though the wife hired?
3. Will the past DV case and/or ongoing petty grievances affect his current standings and nullify spousal support?
4. Will he be ordered to pay child support over spousal support even if he has no job, no money of his own and the wife being self-sufficient?
5. Since he obviously can’t afford an attorney, what other options does he have? Can he get a court appointed attorney, should an hearing be called for or perhaps request his wife’s attorney to represent him as well?

Your thoughtful opinions/suggestions will be much appreciated? Thanks.

 

[Ohiogal]

Hubby needs to respond to the papers and state that he wants spousal support AND he wants HER to pay HIS attorney fees. He also needs to get a consult. DID HE DO THAT YET???????????????????? He needs to quit talking to HER ATTORNEY and expecting that the advice given by him will be correct and true to what hubby wants.

 

[LdiJ]

Okay, so the husband got served few days ago by stbx’s attorney in person along with another check of $2000 from his wife (now totaling $5000) for him to move out and find his own way. There was nothing for him to sign, nor are there any court hearings or custody restrictions. He did talk to her attorney for some time about their relationship and to come to terms to be agreed by his wife and found some errors on the forms as well, which the attorney noted and then left.

The attorney mentioned to him that the papers being served are for “uncontested dissolution” and not finalized. The attorney also stated that he has to do nothing for now and will get back to him after talks with the wife, as per what he discussed and requested. The husband did call the attorney back later that same day for other essential stuff he recalled and left message on his cell phone to return the call which he has not yet.

The husband later noticed on the petition’s form FL100 that the “terminate to award spousal support” and “attorney’s fees and costs” boxes were checked on the husband (respondent). Also a past expired DV case was noted as well on another form FL105/GC120 (note: the form states to provide “current cases in effect", which are none).

Questions:
1. Does the husband need to respond to the summons within 30 days as stated or wait for attorney to get back to him?

Most likely he should respond.

2. Can the husband be ordered to pay attorney’s costs as checked on the form even though the wife hired?

Unlikely under the circumstances.

3. Will the past DV case and/or ongoing petty grievances affect his current standings and nullify spousal support?

If there is a past DV case against him it could possibly effect all kinds of things. He needs to consult with an attorney on that.

4. Will he be ordered to pay child support over spousal support even if he has no job, no money of his own and the wife being self-sufficient?

He is going to be required to support his children to at least a minimum extent. He will not be let off the hook for that.

5. Since he obviously can’t afford an attorney, what other options does he have? Can he get a court appointed attorney, should an hearing be called for or perhaps request his wife’s attorney to represent him as well?

Your thoughtful opinions/suggestions will be much appreciated? Thanks.

He can try legal aid, but his wife's attorney absolutely cannot represent him, that would be an illegal conflict of interest.

 

[Evershine]

Thank you Ohiogal for your reply.

Hubby needs to respond to the papers and state that he wants spousal support AND he wants HER to pay HIS attorney fees.

He has already filled out his response form FL120 as per the summons, made corrections and checked boxes for spousal support AND for her to pay attorney's costs. He plans to visit family law facilitator at his local court next week, if that helps.

He also needs to get a consult. DID HE DO THAT YET???????????????????? He needs to quit talking to HER ATTORNEY and expecting that the advice given by him will be correct and true to what hubby wants.

He has contacted several attorneys that didn't give "real" answers to free consultation and wants him to retain them high handedly. The Legal Aid of California was of no help either because of combined spousal income, which apparently he argued to no avail. He realized afterwards to keep his 'big mouth' shut (naive) and stay away from her attorney which may go against him for all that was said and discussed. Too late for that.

 

[Evershine]

Thank you LdiJ for your thoughtful replies.

If there is a past DV case against him it could possibly effect all kinds of things. He needs to consult with an attorney on that.

His past DV case seem to be his biggest concern for the judge may nullify the spousal support and bring about other unwanted circumstances. But that was several years ago and expired. He has changed a lot since then and sacrificed much to his wife's and kids cause (including home chores), which apparently gets lost and weighted. Sounds like the past negative prevails over current positive; Alas!

Look, the husband only requests minimal spousal support on temporary basis if agreed by stbx and wants nothing else. He is willing to give back part of the money she gave him, take his personal belongings and move out by the end of next month. How can this be compromised? He is thinking of writing a letter to her and give it to one of his kids or text it on her cell phone. What say you?

He is going to be required to support his children to at least a minimum extent. He will not be let off the hook for that.

This one is another "kick on the rear" so to speak. Considering all that has been said thus far, do you honestly opine that he can pay for child support for two over spousal support in the condition he has been for few years now? Does that mean he can't get temporary ongoing spousal support because of his previous DV cases over his current prevailing situations? How is that justified?

He can try legal aid, but his wife's attorney absolutely cannot represent him, that would be an illegal conflict of interest.

Legal Aid he tried but in vain. Though I agree with you, I believe many lawyers represent both, no? What other options would you suggest?

Thanks again.

 

[Mamax2]

Attorney's can't represent both. HER attorney works for HER and getting HER the best outcome they can get HER. See where I'm going with this?

 

[cherrymishmash]

Reading through this thread, there's one thing that keeps bothering me.

Evershine's first sentence is that she is friends with the wife. Why such the interest and concern in what the husband can and cannot do regarding alimony, the house, custody, etc?

Maybe I missed something, but the depth of interest just seems extreme to me.