Abandoned Husband

[Evershine]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA.

One of my female friends just got separated from her husband after around 15 years of marriage. She took her kids and some belongings with her and left the husband behind with a note that she is divorcing him because she is frustrated of being around him. They’ve had ups and downs in the past as well. The husband has been unemployed for nearly 2 years now and has been taking care of kids, home chores and dependent upon her. He does not have any friends, family members or his own money. She left a check of $3000 so that he can move out and find a place of his own. He has the mutual feeling of ending their relationship for the better of both worlds since their marriage has not been working out for quite some time but she is worried that he may claim ongoing spousal support (alimony) from her since $3000 may not be enough to carry him for long? Does the husband have the right to claim alimony and for how long, if any? Thanks.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA.

One of my female friends just got separated from her husband after around 15 years of marriage. She took her kids and some belongings with her and left the husband behind with a note that she is divorcing him because she is frustrated of being around him. They’ve had ups and downs in the past as well. The husband has been unemployed for nearly 2 years now and has been taking care of kids, home chores and dependent upon her. He does not have any friends, family members or his own money. She left a check of $3000 so that he can move out and find a place of his own. He has the mutual feeling of ending their relationship for the better of both worlds since their marriage has not been working out for quite some time but she is worried that he may claim ongoing spousal support (alimony) from her since $3000 may not be enough to carry him for long? Does the husband have the right to claim alimony and for how long, if any? Thanks.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Yes the husband has a right to claim spousal support. Depending on wife's income he may get it for quite a while. I believe CA looks at marriages of longer than 10 years as enough for lifetime support. How old are the children? Are the children strictly HER children and NOT his? If they are also his children, Why does wife believe she should get custody instead of husband? He also may get primary custody of the children and child support. Has she told him where she has moved and where the children are?

[Evershine]

Yes the husband has a right to claim spousal support. Depending on wife's income he may get it for quite a while. I believe CA looks at marriages of longer than 10 years as enough for lifetime support. How old are the children? Are the children strictly HER children and NOT his? If they are also his children, Why does wife believe she should get custody instead of husband? He also may get primary custody of the children and child support. Has she told him where she has moved and where the children are?

Thanks very much for you kind reply.

I just got off the phone with the husband and he sounded very depressed and crying but at the same time agreeing to let go of her and move out asap with his belongings so that they can come back and live in peace. The children are theirs (two teenagers) and they prefer living with their mom. I believe she makes around 70K or more. She does not want to give any alimony and wants him out of her life for good with the $3000 she gave him. Can she refuse or fight against spousal support since that is what she wants? Any suggestions for the husband to get ongoing financial help, perhaps welfare or other means, since he has been having tough time finding a job especially in the current economic mess we're in? Thanks again.

[Isis1]

Thanks very much for you kind reply.

I just got off the phone with the husband and he sounded very depressed and crying but at the same time agreeing to let go of her and move out asap with his belongings so that they can come back and live in peace. The children are theirs (two teenagers) and they prefer living with their mom. I believe she makes around 70K or more. She does not want to give any alimony and wants him out of her life for good with the $3000 she gave him. Can she refuse or fight against spousal support since that is what she wants? Any suggestions for the husband to get ongoing financial help, perhaps welfare or other means, since he has been having tough time finding a job especially in the current economic mess we're in? Thanks again.

my advice to the husband?

since he is the primary caretaker of the children, then he should walk into court today, file for divorce, sole access to the marital home, the children returned to the marital home until further ordered. he should request that mom be ordered to continuing the household payments, temp alimony and child support.

he should also try looking harder for a job. any job. he can look into temp agencies. i personally love them.

[Ohiogal]

my advice to the husband?

since he is the primary caretaker of the children, then he should walk into court today, file for divorce, sole access to the marital home, the children returned to the marital home until further ordered. he should request that mom be ordered to continuing the household payments, temp alimony and child support.

he should also try looking harder for a job. any job. he can look into temp agencies. i personally love them.

I agree with this. Dad does NOT have to move out of the house without a court order requiring him to move. He should fight for alimony and child support. he should also use part of the $3k for a consult with an attorney.

[nextwife]

Is there equity in the marital home? Why should he walk away from the marital home and marriage for 3K after a 15 year marriage?

[Evershine]

Thanks again for your responses. I called and discussed with him. He said that the primary caretaker of children is his wife since she has been the sole support for all for quite some time. Besides, not only that the children want to stay with their mom but the wife also insists and he himself prefers them to stay with her due to his own miserable and distressed condition and hopes to get visitation rights. He seems certain that in due course the children may realize the outcome down the road and come back to him.

The problem currently is that he is facing and/or might face financial hardship and has tried all avenues to find a job and still trying, but to no avail. He wants me to ask you that is it possible for the wife to refuse, deny or fight against his claim for spousal support for whatever reasons, since that can help him out until he finds a job. Most of $3000 that he now has will be gone in moving out, finding another apartment, bills, gas, etc. and what have you. He mentioned that he has a friend in Texas where he might move to but that is not given. All he wants is to take some of his personal belongings, leave everything else for them, move out and have them come back. He is awaiting divorce papers filed by his wife, court orders and perhaps other stuff, of which he has no idea what's coming. Are there other means to get financial help? Thanks.

[Evershine]

Is there equity in the marital home? Why should he walk away from the marital home and marriage for 3K after a 15 year marriage?

They have a rented place and most of all belongings are his but he wants to leave them behind, especially for the kids.

[Isis1]

They have a rented place and most of all belongings are his but he wants to leave them behind, especially for the kids.

no. no. NO!!

i cannot emphasize how important it is for dad to NOT move an inch without an court order. he wants to eventually leave, fine. but for NOW, he needs to get that divorce temp order. then, once things have been distinguished, then it can be agreed upon that he move out while the kids are still at home and mom move back in.

tell dad to sign on. we really REALLY want to help him.

[stepmom38]

Tell the husband he needs to start thinking clearly. Do you really think for one second that if the situation were reversed and she was without a job and he was making $70K that SHE wouldn't be looking for alimony???

Being primary caretaker has nothing to do with who pays the bills. It has to do with who does the actual caretaking of the kids and it sound like that's dad.

Almost this exact situation happened to a friend of mine. Married for 20 years, the wife was cheating on hubby with her boss for the last five years. She works 6 days a week until 8 or 9 at night and has ZERO idea about anything that's going on in her 4 children's lives. He actually told me that she didn't even know that for the last three years the older two didn't have a late bus from school and that he was picking up the kids every night from football practice. Her husband does EVERYTHING for their kids. She makes substantially more then him. He took a job 2 minutes from the house so he could be there for the kids, knowing that she wouldn't be.

She "thought" that he was just going to cave and she would keep the house and he would pay child support. She thought wrong! I found him an awesome lawyer who explained his rights and told him exactly what I'm going to tell you to tell your friend.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. As OG said above...without a court order telling him to move out, he has just as much right to be there as she does.

File IMMEDIATELY for divorce and possession of the marital home and custody of the children, temp. child support and alimony. He IS the children's primary caretaker. The COURTS will decide who the kids live with. Not them or Mom. If he doesn't want the house, (and if they both own it) the courts will order it to be sold and any equity will be split between them.

I really feel for the husband here. It sounds like his wife is trying to screw him out of everything and is taking advantage of the fact that he's depressed. He needs to get his head on straight and fight for himself and for his kids. Rolling over and doing what she wants isn't going to get him anything. He needs to take legal action NOW to protect himself. He also needs to get himself to a doctor and get on some meds for the depression to help him through this ordeal.

[Evershine]

no. no. NO!!

i cannot emphasize how important it is for dad to NOT move an inch without an court order. he wants to eventually leave, fine. but for NOW, he needs to get that divorce temp order. then, once things have been distinguished, then it can be agreed upon that he move out while the kids are still at home and mom move back in.

tell dad to sign on. we really REALLY want to help him.

Your message was duly conveyed and yes, he shall abide your advice. Thanks.

[Evershine]

Tell the husband he needs to start thinking clearly. Do you really think for one second that if the situation were reversed and she was without a job and he was making $70K that SHE wouldn't be looking for alimony???

Being primary caretaker has nothing to do with who pays the bills. It has to do with who does the actual caretaking of the kids and it sound like that's dad.

Almost this exact situation happened to a friend of mine. Married for 20 years, the wife was cheating on hubby with her boss for the last five years. She works 6 days a week until 8 or 9 at night and has ZERO idea about anything that's going on in her 4 children's lives. He actually told me that she didn't even know that for the last three years the older two didn't have a late bus from school and that he was picking up the kids every night from football practice. Her husband does EVERYTHING for their kids. She makes substantially more then him. He took a job 2 minutes from the house so he could be there for the kids, knowing that she wouldn't be.

She "thought" that he was just going to cave and she would keep the house and he would pay child support. She thought wrong! I found him an awesome lawyer who explained his rights and told him exactly what I'm going to tell you to tell your friend.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. As OG said above...without a court order telling him to move out, he has just as much right to be there as she does.

File IMMEDIATELY for divorce and possession of the marital home and custody of the children, temp. child support and alimony. He IS the children's primary caretaker. The COURTS will decide who the kids live with. Not them or Mom. If he doesn't want the house, (and if they both own it) the courts will order it to be sold and any equity will be split between them.

I really feel for the husband here. It sounds like his wife is trying to screw him out of everything and is taking advantage of the fact that he's depressed. He needs to get his head on straight and fight for himself and for his kids. Rolling over and doing what she wants isn't going to get him anything. He needs to take legal action NOW to protect himself. He also needs to get himself to a doctor and get on some meds for the depression to help him through this ordeal.

Appreciate your kind response and understand the gist of the matter.

JFYI, they never owned any Real Estate, hence no equity and the children shall stay with their mother as previously noted.

The real concerns for the husband as it now stands are:
1. since the divorce has already been filed by the wife and awaiting them, does the husband need to file it too separately or just respond in kind?
2. can she refuse, deny or fight against husband's claim for spousal support?
3. are there any other means of getting ongoing financial support, should the alimony get declined?
4. he is deciding to move out-of-state (perhaps for some time until he gets settled), should he incur financial difficulty or declined alimony.

He sincerely wants this thing over with asap in a rather friendly and mutual way and move on with his life, but it seems he's stuck for now. Thanks again.

By the way, I am also helping him out with an additional $500 out of my own tight situation and offered him to stay with us a week or two once he is finalized to move.

[Nevergrowup]

At first, reading this, I felt really sorry for this man...but the more I read, the more it becomes apparent that it is money he is more concerned about as opposed to his children, especially when he is contemplating moving out of state

[Evershine]

At first, reading this, I felt really sorry for this man...but the more I read, the more it becomes apparent that it is money he is more concerned about as opposed to his children, especially when he is contemplating moving out of state

I can understand your feelings and criticism, but trust me friend, he loves his kids more than the wife does, he is crying his heart out is desperation, but he is helpless and unfortunate to have them for the very reasons already mentioned. I too sympathize with him and incline to his 'wise' decision in this regard, at least temporarily.

He really does not WANT to move out-of-state, but that seems to be the only choice he has for now, considering that he has a friend to give him a place to live temporarily (perhaps with a nominal charge) and pursuing a job with assurance where his chances are brighter due to the fact that his friend personally knows a lot of people who can accommodate him. Besides, he may have enough time to think it over before finalization.

Also, he never wanted any of her earnings but she already left him with a check of $3000 to move out which he did not expect but rather appreciates. Though not enough, what's next, just in case? And that's the only reason that he is considering spousal alimony as an untoward scenario, should he find himself in financial trouble and decides to live in California nearby his kids and only until he finds a job. But after hearing him out, I believe he wants to stay afar for reasons best known perhaps for his and his family's own good. He already knows the depth and difficult times, where some sort of ongoing finance is necessary to carry him through. He has also promised to pay every penny back to her if she so desires, as he already left a message on her voicemail. But all that seems to go in vain.

I'm not sure how many days, weeks or months the divorce proceedings may take but he seems ready to take up his next challenge to start his life all over again at an age that seems unforgivable, though younger than me. He is also leaving most of his hard earned belongings behind just for the kids and somewhat for his wife because he still cares for them, regardless. Tears roll down my cheeks when I hear him talk. I wish there was a merciful God.

I would rather have you or someone answer the previous points, especially #2 which he seems rather more concerned for obvious reasons but not necessarily worried. Hope you will contemplate. Thanks.

[LdiJ]

I disagree a bit with some of the other answers that you have received. Not necessarily from a legal perspective, (but some) but also from a practical and realistic perspective.

Appreciate your kind response and understand the gist of the matter.

JFYI, they never owned any Real Estate, hence no equity and the children shall stay with their mother as previously noted.

The children are teenagers. If they want to live primarily with their mother odds are that is what is going to happen. "Primary caregiver" applies far less with teens, because they are in school all day and basically take care of themselves to a great extent. Dad also admits that he is not in the right "mental place" for them to be primarily living with him. Even if somehow he could pull off a win for primary custody, he is going to have a couple of very resentful teens to deal with, because its not what they want.

The real concerns for the husband as it now stands are:
1. since the divorce has already been filed by the wife and awaiting them, does the husband need to file it too separately or just respond in kind?

He would not file separately, he would respond to her suit.

2. can she refuse, deny or fight against husband's claim for spousal support?

Yes, of course she can refuse, deny or fight against husband's claim for spousal support. She can fight in court to demonstrate that her husband has not made a real effort to get a job and could possibly get an income imputed to him based on what he is capable of earning...or at least minimum wage. Her income of 70k is a good income, but its not going to 100% support two homes.

I do think that at a minimum he could get some short term support from her, but probably not enough to live on. This isn't a case where he was a stay at home parent for the entire length of the marriage.

3. are there any other means of getting ongoing financial support, should the alimony get declined?

From the wife?, no, but he might qualify for some state assistance...food stamps etc.

4. he is deciding to move out-of-state (perhaps for some time until he gets settled), should he incur financial difficulty or declined alimony.

That honestly might be his best course of action financially, but its going to limit his involvement with his children at a time when there aren't many years to go where he can enforce involvement with his children.

He sincerely wants this thing over with asap in a rather friendly and mutual way and move on with his life, but it seems he's stuck for now. Thanks again.

With teenage children, getting it over with in a rather friendly and mutual way honestly might be better.

By the way, I am also helping him out with an additional $500 out of my own tight situation and offered him to stay with us a week or two once he is finalized to move.

I realize that the family doesn't own a home, but there may be other marital assets that are not being taken into consideration by the husband.

If there are any retirement assets out there that accrued during the marriage they would each be entitled to half of those, and that may be a source of temporary funds for the husband (although there would be tax consequences).

Other marital savings, bank accounts etc would factor in. However, in CA, with him being unemployed for two years and the wife making 70k, odds are that they have run through the bulk of any liquid assets.