Is this the best I can do?

Yappee · #1 05-10-2007, 05:11 PM

What is the name of your state? NY
About 4 years ago my husband announced he was unhappy and did not love me much to my surprise. We were coming up on our 12th anniversary the next month. We have three kids now 13, 10, and 8 (at the time 9,6 and 4). I spent a year trying to convince him he was reacting to other crises in his life (medical and financial). The next year he moved out and we tried mediation but I wouldn’t sign for less than I needed to get by and he wouldn’t sign for more than he was obligated.
We live in NY on Long Island; the cost of living is extremely high. At the time I needed $3000 a month to make my basic bills. Not an excessive lifestyle by any means. He was willing to pay me $2400 a month but was not willing to commit to it. So the paperwork got put off for about another year. He was making close to $100,000 before he lost his job the year he announced his unhappiness, hence the financial crisis. Since then he has been floundering between careers and states. NJ then S. Carolina, then, Long Island and back to New Jersey. After about a year in S. Carolina he lost that job and stopped paying as much reducing it and changing it based on what he could pay 1,000 1600, etc. (No sense fighting for 29% of nothing, again the paperwork got put off)

My situation is unique in that we have been living with my father and brother in my widowed Fathers home since we were married 1 year. My brother is learning disabled and although high functioning cannot live on his own or maintain sufficient employment for his own well-being. My husband and I moved in under the understanding that the house is for my brother’s welfare but half is in my name to reserve it for us in case of my father’s death and not part of my 2 other brother’s inheritances. It cannot be put in my LD brother’s name or Social security would take away his services or the house. We payed only $300+Utilities in rent for years because we were struggling and my father wanted us to get “on our feet” he has always asked us to take over the taxes when we were ready… he was never ready. I refuse to take my father’s charity anymore so I have been paying the taxes since he moved out. It started at $850 but is now over $1000 per month
I have a bachelor’s degree in Studio Art that is basically useless because graphics are now done on computers. They were not at the time. Although I do use computer graphics programs, I have no real formal training, nor a full spectrum of the requirements for any well paying job. I have been a stay at home mom since my second daughter was born and the daycare costs outweighed the salary as a sign artist I had at the time.
I have been trying to position myself as a work at home self-employed graphic artist and then other stay at home jobs but none were successful enough to make up the deficit. I wanted to stay home because of the needs of my kids and the needs of my fathers ailing health and the increasing responsibility for my brother as my father’s ability deteriorates.
Fitting in an extra 40 hours a week is just daunting reality that I am trying to accomplish but I will never get a job even full time that will offset the deficit.
Selling the house is not an option. Giving it away along with the responsibility is really the only option.
Because he and I were both struggling with employment for 2-3 years we are in a significant amount of debt. He claims to have $80,000 and I have accumulated $40,000 there was no debt before he moved out besides the car loan and I have that responsibility.

My husband just got another job making $75,000 a year (that would be the move to New Jersey). He is willing to give me $2000 per month in child support as long as I do not ask for spousal support and he wants the tax deductions.
I have always tried to keep it amicable for the kids. He is in my house often and we share special occasions all for the sake of the kids. But now he tells me that if I fight for more he will use the fact that I have an asset (the house-which is not really mine - I am more or less renting as long as I am taking care of my brother). He also threatened to go after a portion of the house since it is partially in my name and has been during the marriage. He also would hit me for ½ of the combined debt. He calls this “tools of negotiation” not “totally immoral and perverse” as I like to refer to it.

Right now my cost of living has gone up to $3900 per month, because of the debt, the taxes and the cost of living (gas $3.20 a gallon among other things). If I settle for $2000 per month I will have to get a job that pays a minimum of $43,000 to just break even. I really don’t think this is a reality. If my father dies, I need to pick up his expenses to maintain this home and that would be an extra $500 per month.

Is this the best I can do?
What if the house was not in the equation?
If I get a job is he allowed to reduce the $2,000 because the 29% is based on our combined salaries?
Those expenses don’t even include health insurance for me.
Is this the most annoyingly long post?

fairisfair · #2 05-10-2007, 06:25 PM

yes it is an annoyingly long post. Perhaps since you recognize that fact, you might cut it, oh say at least in half?

Ohiogal · #3 05-10-2007, 08:02 PM

Quote:

What is the name of your state? NY
About 4 years ago my husband announced he was unhappy and did not love me much to my surprise. We were coming up on our 12th anniversary the next month. We have three kids now 13, 10, and 8 (at the time 9,6 and 4). I spent a year trying to convince him he was reacting to other crises in his life (medical and financial). The next year he moved out and we tried mediation but I wouldn’t sign for less than I needed to get by and he wouldn’t sign for more than he was obligated.

If you can't get by then you NEED to get a job. You can't expect him to support you for the rest of your life.

Quote:

We live in NY on Long Island; the cost of living is extremely high. At the time I needed $3000 a month to make my basic bills. Not an excessive lifestyle by any means. He was willing to pay me $2400 a month but was not willing to commit to it.

And how much were you willing to lets say earn?

Quote:

So the paperwork got put off for about another year. He was making close to $100,000 before he lost his job the year he announced his unhappiness, hence the financial crisis.

And you of course were not working and are not working.

Quote:

Since then he has been floundering between careers and states. NJ then S. Carolina, then, Long Island and back to New Jersey. After about a year in S. Carolina he lost that job and stopped paying as much reducing it and changing it based on what he could pay 1,000 1600, etc. (No sense fighting for 29% of nothing, again the paperwork got put off)

Hmmm.. and you were earning what?

Quote:

My situation is unique in that we have been living with my father and brother in my widowed Fathers home since we were married 1 year.

Nope not really unique.

Quote:

My brother is learning disabled and although high functioning cannot live on his own or maintain sufficient employment for his own well-being. My husband and I moved in under the understanding that the house is for my brother’s welfare but half is in my name to reserve it for us in case of my father’s death and not part of my 2 other brother’s inheritances.

So you own half the house. Right? How is the deed worded?

Quote:

It cannot be put in my LD brother’s name or Social security would take away his services or the house.

An attempt at fraud? Or hiding assets?

Quote:

We payed only $300+Utilities in rent for years because we were struggling and my father wanted us to get “on our feet” he has always asked us to take over the taxes when we were ready… he was never ready. I refuse to take my father’s charity anymore so I have been paying the taxes since he moved out.

With what money have you been paying the taxes?

Quote:

It started at $850 but is now over $1000 per month

And this $1000 is from the money your husband gives you?

Quote:

I have a bachelor’s degree in Studio Art that is basically useless because graphics are now done on computers. They were not at the time. Although I do use computer graphics programs, I have no real formal training, nor a full spectrum of the requirements for any well paying job.

Yet you have an education and could get a job of some sort.

Quote:

I have been a stay at home mom since my second daughter was born and the daycare costs outweighed the salary as a sign artist I had at the time.

But times change. And your youngest is now in school and day care would not cost as much.

Quote:

I have been trying to position myself as a work at home self-employed graphic artist and then other stay at home jobs but none were successful enough to make up the deficit. I wanted to stay home because of the needs of my kids and the needs of my fathers ailing health and the increasing responsibility for my brother as my father’s ability deteriorates.

You are not legally responsible for caring for your brother OR your father however you are legally responsible for supporting yourself and your children.

Quote:

Fitting in an extra 40 hours a week is just daunting reality that I am trying to accomplish but I will never get a job even full time that will offset the deficit.

YOu better try.

Quote:

Selling the house is not an option. Giving it away along with the responsibility is really the only option.

Why is selling the house NOT an option? And if you give it away you are going to have serious problems.

Quote:

Because he and I were both struggling with employment for 2-3 years we are in a significant amount of debt. He claims to have $80,000 and I have accumulated $40,000 there was no debt before he moved out besides the car loan and I have that responsibility.

And HOW have you been paying the car loan?

Quote:

My husband just got another job making $75,000 a year (that would be the move to New Jersey). He is willing to give me $2000 per month in child support as long as I do not ask for spousal support and he wants the tax deductions.

Sounds fair.

Quote:

I have always tried to keep it amicable for the kids. He is in my house often and we share special occasions all for the sake of the kids. But now he tells me that if I fight for more he will use the fact that I have an asset (the house-which is not really mine - I am more or less renting as long as I am taking care of my brother).

That is an excuse and it is an asset and most likely it is a definite marital asset as it was acquired during the marriage and marital income has gone in to paying for it. Your name is on the deed. You own it hence it is an asset. NO EXCUSES.

Quote:

He also threatened to go after a portion of the house since it is partially in my name and has been during the marriage. He also would hit me for ½ of the combined debt. He calls this “tools of negotiation” not “totally immoral and perverse” as I like to refer to it.

It is NOT totally immoral and perverse. You are responsible for 1/2 of the combined debt that accrued during the marriage and he is entitled to half of the assets of the marriage -- including half of your portion of the equity in the house you own. He is right. You are wrong.

Quote:

Right now my cost of living has gone up to $3900 per month, because of the debt, the taxes and the cost of living (gas $3.20 a gallon among other things). If I settle for $2000 per month I will have to get a job that pays a minimum of $43,000 to just break even.

And? Everyone is hit with higher cost of living. Everyone is hit with expenses. Most people get a job. If you can't afford your expenses then it is time to downsize.

Quote:

I really don’t think this is a reality.

Yep it is a reality.

Quote:

If my father dies, I need to pick up his expenses to maintain this home and that would be an extra $500 per month.

He is not dying. You cannot go on what ifs. You may just have to sell your portion of the house for FMV -- fair market value.