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Divorcing disabled spouse

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Curiosity

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? I am in Missouri. I am preparing to file for divorce after 16 years of marriage. My husband has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage, but I don’t really have any proof of that and I think the bottom line is this is a financial transaction. So, I’m wanting some thoughts on what is reasonable to expect.

We are in our 40's. My husband went on disability about a year ago. Prior to that he was employed but bringing in about ¼ of my salary . During our entire marriage I have made at least 3 times as much as him. My gross salary is approx $7000 a month; take home pay approx $4600. He draws about $1200 a month between social security and a long-term disability policy. He is permanently disabled and not a candidate for retraining for another career.

He has many times during our marriage told me to take my paycheck and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine; however he has enjoyed my ability to support him. Again, I suppose what he did or didn’t say to me is irrelevant here. If he were to go after maintenance, how much could he get? How do my expenses vs. his expenses factor into this? How does my contribution to the assets vs. his contribution factor in? Is his disability the overriding factor in all of this?

Assets in my name – IRA, 12,000; defined contribution plan $6000; defined contribution plan $84,000; Defined contribution plan $2300;
Assets in his name – defined contribution plan, $35,000; defined benefit plan, estimated value today $105,000

So he is a little better off than me as far as the assets he has in his name vs. mine; I would like to just say, “what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine “ but is he likely to be able to get more of mine given his situation?

Assets in both names - IRA, $3,000; equity in house - $80,000…. Split it 50/50??

Does he have any right to the 529 plans I have opened for my sons?

Debts are another factor. Debt in my name includes $23,000 car loan, and about $8000 in credit card debt. Debt in his name includes about $10,000 in credit card debt.

We have two adolescent sons. I expect to share legal and physical custody but they would be with me most of the time.What is the name of your state?
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? I am in Missouri. I am preparing to file for divorce after 16 years of marriage. My husband has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage, but I don’t really have any proof of that and I think the bottom line is this is a financial transaction. So, I’m wanting some thoughts on what is reasonable to expect.

We are in our 40's. My husband went on disability about a year ago. Prior to that he was employed but bringing in about ¼ of my salary . During our entire marriage I have made at least 3 times as much as him. My gross salary is approx $7000 a month; take home pay approx $4600. He draws about $1200 a month between social security and a long-term disability policy. He is permanently disabled and not a candidate for retraining for another career.

He has many times during our marriage told me to take my paycheck and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine; however he has enjoyed my ability to support him. Again, I suppose what he did or didn’t say to me is irrelevant here. If he were to go after maintenance, how much could he get? How do my expenses vs. his expenses factor into this? How does my contribution to the assets vs. his contribution factor in? Is his disability the overriding factor in all of this?

Assets in my name – IRA, 12,000; defined contribution plan $6000; defined contribution plan $84,000; Defined contribution plan $2300;
Assets in his name – defined contribution plan, $35,000; defined benefit plan, estimated value today $105,000

So he is a little better off than me as far as the assets he has in his name vs. mine; I would like to just say, “what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine “ but is he likely to be able to get more of mine given his situation?

Assets in both names - IRA, $3,000; equity in house - $80,000…. Split it 50/50??

Does he have any right to the 529 plans I have opened for my sons?

Debts are another factor. Debt in my name includes $23,000 car loan, and about $8000 in credit card debt. Debt in his name includes about $10,000 in credit card debt.

We have two adolescent sons. I expect to share legal and physical custody but they would be with me most of the time.What is the name of your state?
Ok....whoever keeps the car keeps the debt on the car, that is separate from the asset/debt split. The same would apply to the home mortgage. However, whoever keeps the house would need to refinance to buy out the other's share in the equity, and to get the other one off the mortgage.

However, as far as assets and debts are split, as long as the two of you come out equal, or one of you is content to come out a little less, then you can agree to each of you keeping what is in your own name. A judge will go along with that. Otherwise a judge would make it 50/50 if you don't agree.

He has a little more debt than you do, but he also has a chunk more in retirement assets than you do. So, if you point that out to him, then he may end up agreeing.

Now....as far as alimony/spousal support is concerned, you have a problem there. You make so much more money than he does, plus he has a disability. Therefore, its very possible that you are going to end up paying him alimony. I don't think that you can afford to NOT hire an attorney to handle this case.
 

nextwife

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? I am in Missouri. I am preparing to file for divorce after 16 years of marriage. My husband has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage, but I don’t really have any proof of that and I think the bottom line is this is a financial transaction. So, I’m wanting some thoughts on what is reasonable to expect.

We are in our 40's. My husband went on disability about a year ago. Prior to that he was employed but bringing in about ¼ of my salary . During our entire marriage I have made at least 3 times as much as him. My gross salary is approx $7000 a month; take home pay approx $4600. He draws about $1200 a month between social security and a long-term disability policy. He is permanently disabled and not a candidate for retraining for another career.

He has many times during our marriage told me to take my paycheck and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine; however he has enjoyed my ability to support him. Again, I suppose what he did or didn’t say to me is irrelevant here. If he were to go after maintenance, how much could he get? How do my expenses vs. his expenses factor into this? How does my contribution to the assets vs. his contribution factor in? Is his disability the overriding factor in all of this?

Assets in my name – IRA, 12,000; defined contribution plan $6000; defined contribution plan $84,000; Defined contribution plan $2300;
Assets in his name – defined contribution plan, $35,000; defined benefit plan, estimated value today $105,000

So he is a little better off than me as far as the assets he has in his name vs. mine; I would like to just say, “what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine “ but is he likely to be able to get more of mine given his situation?

Assets in both names - IRA, $3,000; equity in house - $80,000…. Split it 50/50??

Does he have any right to the 529 plans I have opened for my sons?

Debts are another factor. Debt in my name includes $23,000 car loan, and about $8000 in credit card debt. Debt in his name includes about $10,000 in credit card debt.

We have two adolescent sons. I expect to share legal and physical custody but they would be with me most of the time.What is the name of your state?
Were all these accrued ONLY during the marriage? Or did either of you bring a portion of these assets/debts TO THE MARRIAGE?
 

Curiosity

Junior Member
Thanks for the response!!
I do have an attorney. We've met a couple of times but haven't done anything definitive yet. My atty seems to be steering me in the direction of trying to get my spouse to agree to a separation agreement, and recommending that I be willing to concede giving up over half of the assets, if needed, to get my spouse to agree, in order to avoid having to pay alimony.

I am guessing that the next step, if my spouse were not to agree to that, would be to try offering a certain amount of alimony to settle, as well??? Any ideas on how alimony would be figured in this case? Like what would be a reasonable amount to offer to try to settle, if I needed to make that offer?

Again I reallyappreciate the response. I was sort of getting the feeling that my atty was more interested in protecting my spouse than me, but maybe he is being realistic about what is going to be the best way for me to get out of this.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
Thanks for the response!!
I do have an attorney. We've met a couple of times but haven't done anything definitive yet. My atty seems to be steering me in the direction of trying to get my spouse to agree to a separation agreement, and recommending that I be willing to concede giving up over half of the assets, if needed, to get my spouse to agree, in order to avoid having to pay alimony.
Why would your STBX agree to that??? You have to split the assets and the debts anyway. There's no carrot there.

You're quite likely to end up paying alimony, as you should by law.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Why would your STBX agree to that??? You have to split the assets and the debts anyway. There's no carrot there.

You're quite likely to end up paying alimony, as you should by law.
I think that she meant that she would give him MORE than half as the "carrot", instead of just half.
 

Bali Hai

Senior Member
Thanks for the response!!
I do have an attorney. We've met a couple of times but haven't done anything definitive yet. My atty seems to be steering me in the direction of trying to get my spouse to agree to a separation agreement, and recommending that I be willing to concede giving up over half of the assets, if needed, to get my spouse to agree, in order to avoid having to pay alimony.

I am guessing that the next step, if my spouse were not to agree to that, would be to try offering a certain amount of alimony to settle, as well??? Any ideas on how alimony would be figured in this case? Like what would be a reasonable amount to offer to try to settle, if I needed to make that offer?

Again I reallyappreciate the response. I was sort of getting the feeling that my atty was more interested in protecting my spouse than me, but maybe he is being realistic about what is going to be the best way for me to get out of this.
If you appear before a fair and impartial judge, you are not going to "get out of this"!!
 
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Bali Hai

Senior Member
Ok....whoever keeps the car keeps the debt on the car, that is separate from the asset/debt split. The same would apply to the home mortgage. However, whoever keeps the house would need to refinance to buy out the other's share in the equity, and to get the other one off the mortgage.

However, as far as assets and debts are split, as long as the two of you come out equal, or one of you is content to come out a little less, then you can agree to each of you keeping what is in your own name. A judge will go along with that. Otherwise a judge would make it 50/50 if you don't agree.

He has a little more debt than you do, but he also has a chunk more in retirement assets than you do. So, if you point that out to him, then he may end up agreeing.

Now....as far as alimony/spousal support is concerned, you have a problem there. You make so much more money than he does, plus he has a disability. Therefore, its very possible that you are going to end up paying him alimony. I don't think that you can afford to NOT hire an attorney to handle this case.
I agree, and I hope that attorney has the ETHICS to HANDLE her case the same as if she were a man under the same circumstances!!
 

Curiosity

Junior Member
Thanks VeronicaLodge, you are right. That is exactly what I said. The carrot is to give him over half of the assets.

Missouri is an "equitable" state and not a community property state. If my spouse were not disabled, as I understand "equitable', the split could go more than 50% in my favor because I contributed more than 50% to acquiring them.

My mistake was not divorcing him while he was still gainfully employed. I'll have to live with that mistake. But back to my question, what is reasonable as far as maintenance? What's the deciding factor? My expenses, or his?

Or maybe I should offer him ALL of the assets instead of offering to pay maintenance???

He's gotten free advice from an attorney and knows he can "come after me" for maintenance. He's threatening that he will do so if I dont' give him $60,000 (and let him keep all of his retirement assets). I think that's unreasonable..... is it??
 

Bali Hai

Senior Member
Thanks for the response!!
I do have an attorney. We've met a couple of times but haven't done anything definitive yet. My atty seems to be steering me in the direction of trying to get my spouse to agree to a separation agreement, and recommending that I be willing to concede giving up over half of the assets, if needed, to get my spouse to agree, in order to avoid having to pay alimony.

I am guessing that the next step, if my spouse were not to agree to that, would be to try offering a certain amount of alimony to settle, as well??? Any ideas on how alimony would be figured in this case? Like what would be a reasonable amount to offer to try to settle, if I needed to make that offer?

Again I reallyappreciate the response. I was sort of getting the feeling that my atty was more interested in protecting my spouse than me, but maybe he is being realistic about what is going to be the best way for me to get out of this.
What the hell do you think??? Just because you are a woman you should "get out of this" easier than a man would???
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Thanks VeronicaLodge, you are right. That is exactly what I said. The carrot is to give him over half of the assets.

Missouri is an "equitable" state and not a community property state. If my spouse were not disabled, as I understand "equitable', the split could go more than 50% in my favor because I contributed more than 50% to acquiring them.

My mistake was not divorcing him while he was still gainfully employed. I'll have to live with that mistake. But back to my question, what is reasonable as far as maintenance? What's the deciding factor? My expenses, or his?

Or maybe I should offer him ALL of the assets instead of offering to pay maintenance???

He's gotten free advice from an attorney and knows he can "come after me" for maintenance. He's threatening that he will do so if I dont' give him $60,000 (and let him keep all of his retirement assets). I think that's unreasonable..... is it??
Your retirement assets are 104,300
His retirement assets are approximately 140,000

So he is already a little more than 35k ahead of you if he keeps his assets.

The shared equity in the house is 80k (if you would be lucky enough to get that much in today's market). If you give him 60k of that, he will be at 200k and you will be at 125k. That's putting him 75k ahead of you in the asset split.

At 1000.00 a month in alimony, that would be the equivalent of you paying him over 6 years worth of alimony.

So it really depends on what your worst case scenario is regarding alimony. If there is a chance that you would have to pay him for life, or until he remarries, it might be safer to concede on the assets, or if you could have to pay substantially more per month, then it also might be wiser to concede on the assets.

Personally, I would point out, in black and white, the 35k difference in your retirment assets, and insist on splitting the rest 50/50, and then maybe negotiate to give him 60% of the equity money (based on what it truly turns out to be).

However, he also wants 60k in cash for a reason. Whatever that reason is may be a factor in reacting differently.
 

tuffbrk

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? Missouri. I am preparing to file for divorce after 16 years of marriage.

I think the bottom line is this is a financial transaction. No kidding!

My gross salary is approx $7000 a month; take home pay approx $4600. He draws about $1200 a month between social security and a long-term disability policy. He is permanently disabled and not a candidate for retraining for another career.

He has enjoyed my ability to support him.
Pretty much the info left is all that matters when it comes to alimony.

16 yrs is long term marriage = Qualifies for alimony

Your gross $7000. His gross $1200. 7000-1200 = 5800 difference in lifestyle /2 = alimony of approximately $2900 per month. This may be impacted by child support. Also - what is preventing re-training?! The man cannot type? He cannot walk? Is he paralyzed & receiving long term critical care or something? A coma?

"He has enjoyed my ability to support him" = status quo established - expect to continue to support him - even at the expense of any minor children.

You will learn that the courts are more concerned with keeping grown adults off of welfare than they are with the earning parent's ability to support the children. They know the responsible person will wind up residential parent and that a responsible parent bites the bullet and does what is needed. Whereas, once a loser always a loser - and they become your loser to support, not the state's. Nor does the state offer up any tough love to the loser - and they certainly will not allow you to show any tough love.

You may want to re-think your decision to divorce.
 
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