I don't know if I should file a divorce

[tuveneno]

Texas.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and 8 months and we have 3 kids. He is in the army and our only source of income. We have been struggling a lot lately since he came back from a deployment but I have been trying to get counseling and he always says he is busy or find an excuse. If I file a divorce, does he has to pay child support and alimony or I will have to support myself and the kids?

 

[eerelations]

If the only reason you'd have for staying with this man is so he'll pay your bills, then you should definitely file for divorce.

 

[Proserpina]

Texas.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and 8 months and we have 3 kids. He is in the army and our only source of income. We have been struggling a lot lately since he came back from a deployment but I have been trying to get counseling and he always says he is busy or find an excuse. If I file a divorce, does he has to pay child support and alimony or I will have to support myself and the kids?

Alimony is unlikely, but your children will receive child support. (It's a set percentage of his income in Texas).

Even if you were awarded alimony (and it's capped in Texas to 3 years max), you'd still be expected to find a job and start supporting yourself.

 

[Proserpina]

If the only reason you'd have for staying with this man is so he'll pay your bills, then you should definitely file for divorce.

Absodanglutely!

 

[Ohiogal]

Texas.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and 8 months and we have 3 kids. He is in the army and our only source of income. We have been struggling a lot lately since he came back from a deployment but I have been trying to get counseling and he always says he is busy or find an excuse. If I file a divorce, does he has to pay child support and alimony or I will have to support myself and the kids?

Are you working? If not, why not? How old are the children?

 

[Bali Hai]

If the only reason you'd have for staying with this man is so he'll pay your bills, then you should definitely file for divorce.

AKA biting the hand that feeds you.

 

[tuveneno]

Are you working? If not, why not? How old are the children?

No I am not working. They are 11 (from a previous relation), 7, 5 and 8 months and here there is no way I can afford child care for 4 kids and I have no help or family.

 

[Proserpina]

No I am not working. They are 11 (from a previous relation), 7, 5 and 8 months and here there is no way I can afford child care for 4 kids and I have no help or family.

You should be receiving child support for the eldest.

Seriously though - you cannot rely on your ex to support you. He WILL be supporting his children (it would appear to be 30% based upon 3 children), but I doubt you'll get any spousal support.

If you honestly can't support the kids and yourself, and he's not going to be deployed again any time soon, it might be best for Dad to have primary custody.

I'm guessing that you won't want to consider that, but it might be a viable option - after all, you've got to think about the kids.

 

[nextwife]

If you can barely manage financially with both of you sharing the cost of one household, why would you think it would become BETTER financially to spread that insufficient income across the cost of two households?

 

[Ohiogal]

If you can barely manage financially with both of you sharing the cost of one household, why would you think it would become BETTER financially to spread that insufficient income across the cost of two households?

She needs to get a job quite frankly but you seem to be stating that it would be best to stay with this guy just because he will support her -- i.e. she uses him for his money. And she is NOT sharing the cost of this household because SHE is not working. So financially she is not contributing. If she files for divorce she will NEED to get a job.

 

[nextwife]

She needs to get a job quite frankly but you seem to be stating that it would be best to stay with this guy just because he will support her -- i.e. she uses him for his money. And she is NOT sharing the cost of this household because SHE is not working. So financially she is not contributing. If she files for divorce she will NEED to get a job.

No, I was not implying it. I was pointing out that she cannot expect that she can maintain a SAH lifestyle if there is even less money that she has now to live on. I get this in my work all the time - people who don't seem to be comprehending that the current financial situation doesn't automatically improve JUST by seperating (it is actually more expensive - surprise - to spread that single income across two households) - they need to also start doing something very different financially. Like add another full time income. Especially once the cost of two household's is created.

And one has to wonder, if the financial stress of only having one income were eleviated, and both parents shared more of the caregiving BEFORE the divorce, might things be better in the marriage? Also, is hubby suffering some mental illness/depression right now that could improve with treatment/ therapy/meds? I understand that seeking help for mental health issues is not advocated in in the military as well as it is in the private sector.

 

[CJane]

Are you currently - as a family - living on base?
How long has Dad been in the military?
Have you always been a SAHM?
Does Dad plan to retire from the military?
Is Dad abusive?
What are his reasons for refusing counseling? Does he realize that seeking counseling no longer is of detriment to his military career/promotion opportunities as it has been in the past?
Have YOU joined any support groups for family members of returning soldiers?

From a strictly logical (ie: Unemotional/baggage carrying standpoint), these things matter.

 

[Ohiogal]

No, I was not implying it. I was pointing out that she cannot expect that she can maintain a SAH lifestyle if there is even less money that she has now to live on. I get this in my work all the time - people who don't seem to be comprehending that the current financial situation doesn't automatically improve JUST by seperating (it is actually more expensive - surprise - to spread that single income across two households) - they need to also start doing something very different financially. Like add another full time income. Especially once the cost of two household's is created.

And one has to wonder, if the financial stress of only having one income were eleviated, and both parents shared more of the caregiving BEFORE the divorce, might things be better in the marriage? Also, is hubby suffering some mental illness/depression right now that could improve with treatment/ therapy/meds? I understand that seeking help for mental health issues is not advocated in in the military as well as it is in the private sector.

That I can agree with -- I was confused regarding what I thought I were stating.

 

[wrongsometimes]

stop having more kids ....

 

[CJane]

And one has to wonder, if the financial stress of only having one income were eleviated, and both parents shared more of the caregiving BEFORE the divorce, might things be better in the marriage?

You are, of course, aware that both parents working doesn't always improve the financial situation of the family, right? And that in some perfectly functional families, the 'homemaker duties' are not shared by both adults.

Also, is hubby suffering some mental illness/depression right now that could improve with treatment/ therapy/meds? I understand that seeking help for mental health issues is not advocated in in the military as well as it is in the private sector.

This is no longer even close to true. But he has to WANT treatment/therapy/evaluation, and he's clearly not made that a priority.