just need some help anything at this point

[Proserpina]

Originally Posted by help in va

yes i was disabled when we met, no not as severely as now, but here is the issue, when we met, i had my home, i had my security, and when we married, after LONG and very DETAILED and INTENSE discussions about me, we did decide to move forward, but i have changed my entire life for him, due to military wife obligations, i have followed him, i have been injured in situations i would not have been in otherwise, i became worse overseas due to limited medical availability, i altered all my security in the understanding that we were changing all these things for the better for OUR future, now that everything is altered from his career and from him, i am being left out to dry.... so that is what i have the problem with is all was fine until i decided to support him for life in every way other than financial. and then he just changes his mind after he has advanced a LONG way in his career, he has moved leaps and bounds, and yes a lot of it was due to ME. i have received 3 separate spouse awards from the military from three separate commands, and one other service than the navy, so my support of him has been tremendous. any command will tell you that a spouse's support of an officer/pilot/servicemember is CRITICAL to their advancement and success. so why should he be at the top now, and decide to leave a mess behind, and i mean a BIG MESS. he at least needs to put me back to where he found me. make me 'whole' as much as that is possible. so that is what i mean by 'lifetime' support. not catering to me and not raising my standard of living, but if he wants to go play now with all his money and success, then he needs to fix what he did 'eyes wide open'**************. he cannot have his cake and eat it too. nor do i expect to. he is in a much better place than he was 9 years ago, i just need to be put back to 9 year ago status, which is nothing compared to his**************.

Which looks like you're not wanting to be whole at all - you want to punish him for your marriage not working.

You chose to do all of this - nobody forced you or pushed your hand or held a gun to your head, you know? I know you're hurting and you're angry, but being made whole is quite different from "making him pay".

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Dogmatique

Which looks like you're not wanting to be whole at all - you want to punish him for your marriage not working.

You chose to do all of this - nobody forced you or pushed your hand or held a gun to your head, you know? I know you're hurting and you're angry, but being made whole is quite different from "making him pay".

She and her mother owned a home with significant equity and only a few years to go on the mortgages, and he sucked all of the equity out of her home and is now kicking her to the curb...leaving a mortgage payment that is more than twice her total disability income.

Was she foolish for allowing that to happen? Absolutely. Is she wrong to want to be put back into the condition that she was in prior to the marriage? No, she is not. Will she get that? No one can predict the answer to that question.

However, he is still a skunk in my eyes.

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by help in va

yes i was disabled when we met, no not as severely as now, but here is the issue, when we met, i had my home, i had my security, and when we married, after LONG and very DETAILED and INTENSE discussions about me, we did decide to move forward, but i have changed my entire life for him, due to military wife obligations, i have followed him, i have been injured in situations i would not have been in otherwise, i became worse overseas due to limited medical availability, i altered all my security in the understanding that we were changing all these things for the better for OUR future, now that everything is altered from his career and from him, i am being left out to dry.... so that is what i have the problem with is all was fine until i decided to support him for life in every way other than financial. and then he just changes his mind after he has advanced a LONG way in his career, he has moved leaps and bounds, and yes a lot of it was due to ME. i have received 3 separate spouse awards from the military from three separate commands, and one other service than the navy, so my support of him has been tremendous. any command will tell you that a spouse's support of an officer/pilot/servicemember is CRITICAL to their advancement and success. so why should he be at the top now, and decide to leave a mess behind, and i mean a BIG MESS. he at least needs to put me back to where he found me. make me 'whole' as much as that is possible. so that is what i mean by 'lifetime' support. not catering to me and not raising my standard of living, but if he wants to go play now with all his money and success, then he needs to fix what he did 'eyes wide open'**************. he cannot have his cake and eat it too. nor do i expect to. he is in a much better place than he was 9 years ago, i just need to be put back to 9 year ago status, which is nothing compared to his**************.

YOU made choices. YOU made decisions. YOU are an adult. You do NOT qualify for lifetime support or to be made whole. This is not a cause of action for a tort. YOU did not have to sell your house or do anything to make you less whole. YOU made the decision to do so. Take responsibility for YOUR actions.

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

She and her mother owned a home with significant equity and only a few years to go on the mortgages, and he sucked all of the equity out of her home and is now kicking her to the curb...leaving a mortgage payment that is more than twice her total disability income.

Was she foolish for allowing that to happen? Absolutely. Is she wrong to want to be put back into the condition that she was in prior to the marriage? No, she is not. Will she get that? No one can predict the answer to that question.

However, he is still a skunk in my eyes.

Fine. He is a horrible skunk in your eyes. HOWEVER she CHOSE to get the equity from the home. HE did not. HE could not have done that if only her and her mother's names were on the house. SHE did that. She made a poor decision but SHE is the one who made it. She is an adult and needs to bear responsibility for her actions. SHE chose to bleed the equity from her home.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Ohiogal

Fine. He is a horrible skunk in your eyes. HOWEVER she CHOSE to get the equity from the home. HE did not. HE could not have done that if only her and her mother's names were on the house. SHE did that. She made a poor decision but SHE is the one who made it. She is an adult and needs to bear responsibility for her actions. SHE chose to bleed the equity from her home.

Actually, if you will re-read the thread, she and he bought out her mother together, making him co-owner, and then he somehow got further loans without her knowledge. Most likely she signed paperwork allowing him to do so, without paying attention to what she was signing, but she did not willingly take out the equity....she may have been living in denial, or may have been ridiculously trusting, but she didn't willingly do it.

Bottom line...he married someone who was house rich and cash poor. He made sure that he got the full advantage of her assets...every penny, and then kicked her to the curb.

She is disabled, she is not in a position to recoup. She has a very limited disability income and that is all she will have for the rest of her life, other than what she might get from the marriage.

Could you live on 900.00 a month for the rest of your life? You could if you had a house that was paid off. It would be a minimal existence but you could do it. However, if you also have to pay for housing its virtually impossible.

I really hope that some slamming attorney chooses to take on her case and makes this guy pay. I would not feel this way if he had left her house alone...which is what an honorable human being would have done.

I totally accept that I am expressing a purely personal opinion and not necessarily a legal one, but things like this burn me. This isn't a human being who can live frugally for a few years and then recoup. This isn't someone who can file for bankruptcy and start over, and learn their lesson.

This is a disabled human being who was screwed by a con artist, and can never recoup. On top of that if her mother is still living, her mother has been equally screwed.

[charlee4164]

hello ms.dependent spouse

i'm sorry you are having so much trouble but you have company. i thought i was reading my own letter for a minute. i too am a divorced spouse of a military member. you are not alone. one thing you must realize from the start is that military members will do anything to not let you in on their retirement pay. my ex and i are still fighting over little things that you would never think to fight about when married. i have 3 girls and he wont send them a dime or buy school supplies because he pays child support. certain things are yours due to the law and some things you will need to negotiate. i too am on disability and was even living in a shelter for part of the time during the divorce process. you wouldnt believe it but he threatened to kill me with a gun and i had a restraining order on him and the police escorted him back to the house to get. i was scared to death. the point is he never was reprimanded through the courts and since i was too afraid to ask for it i did'nt get maintainence. there are things you can do and things you shouldnt negotiate. for example yes i am almost certain that you are entitled to maintainence for the rest of your life the only thing is that the military wont pay you directly unless you were married 10 yrs. he will be responsible to pay you but if he does'nt (even if you have the order) you will have to get it by garnishment or some other way. if he is threatening to get out early you can have it stated in the deree that if he gets out before retirement (voluntarily) he will have to pay you what you would have been entitled to if he stayed in for the 20 yrs. dont ever sign away your right to SBP benefits. they are yours by right. if he is making the money you say it will be significant because you will be entitled to the whole pay of 55%of his retirement pay. if you get a property settlement (not the house thats different) of his retirement pay or settlement pay if he gets out early (like severance pay) you can be entitled to the whole thing under military law. it is not limited to half or fifty percent its what is equitable NOT equal. you will be entitled to medical and exchange benefits for one year after the decree is issued. since you were disabled when you got married even if you had no income he will be obligated to pay support because you are unable to make your own living and you are entitled to the same standard of living as before you were married. lawyers will only help you to a point because they dont really know military law even if they say so. many wont be willing to fight -they will only bargain. you will need a QDRO drawn up separately from the divorce. it is a qualified domestic relations order which entitles you to a portion of any retirement plan benefits, pension bennies,from any thrift savings plan (thru militart but diff than pension), ira, contributory or non-contributory plan ie.401K, 403B, roth etc. you need a separate QDRO for each plan. be sure you know where all the money is because they go thru great lengths to hide it. My ex even filed bankruptcy. even though its illegal it still delayed long enough for me to loose my house to foreclosure so that he could get his VA lending certificate back. anticipate everything no matter how small because you think taking your checks was bad (mine did it too) they get sneaky and mean just so you wont get anything. i hope you dont have children to worry about. if you do just holler.

[IrishLady47]

Originally Posted by help in va

as yes, to answer a question, my mother and i owned the home, my husband and i purchased it from me and mom, i know weird, but yes, it did have a lot of equity, and yes he did do a second on the house without my knowledge and yes, he did use the proceeds from that transaction for HIMSELF. yes, its a whole separate legal issue that is now tied into the action for divorce.

IMO, this is your best chance of being made "whole". If he fraudulently took a second mortgage and recklessly dissipated those funds, that should be a factor in distribution of marital assets.

Having a paid for, or low cost place to live that is already handicapped accessible, would enable you to live on your disability. To me, this is far better than counting on support from someone you do not trust and a portion of a military retirement that may not materialize.

[IrishLady47]

Originally Posted by charlee4164

for example yes i am almost certain that you are entitled to maintainence for the rest of your life the only thing is that the military wont pay you directly unless you were married 10 yrs. he will be responsible to pay you but if he does'nt (even if you have the order) you will have to get it by garnishment or some other way. if he is threatening to get out early you can have it stated in the deree that if he gets out before retirement (voluntarily) he will have to pay you what you would have been entitled to if he stayed in for the 20 yrs. dont ever sign away your right to SBP benefits. they are yours by right. if he is making the money you say it will be significant because you will be entitled to the whole pay of 55%of his retirement pay. if you get a property settlement (not the house thats different) of his retirement pay or settlement pay if he gets out early (like severance pay) you can be entitled to the whole thing under military law. it is not limited to half or fifty percent its what is equitable NOT equal. you will be entitled to medical and exchange benefits for one year after the decree is issued. since you were disabled when you got married even if you had no income he will be obligated to pay support because you are unable to make your own living and you are entitled to the same standard of living as before you were married. lawyers will only help you to a point because they dont really know military law even if they say so. many wont be willing to fight -they will only bargain. you will need a QDRO drawn up separately from the divorce. it is a qualified domestic relations order which entitles you to a portion of any retirement plan benefits, pension bennies,from any thrift savings plan (thru militart but diff than pension), ira, contributory or non-contributory plan ie.401K, 403B, roth etc. you need a separate QDRO for each plan. be sure you know where all the money is because they go thru great lengths to hide it. My ex even filed bankruptcy. even though its illegal it still delayed long enough for me to loose my house to foreclosure so that he could get his VA lending certificate back. anticipate everything no matter how small because you think taking your checks was bad (mine did it too) they get sneaky and mean just so you wont get anything. i hope you dont have children to worry about. if you do just holler.

I won't address most of this rambling, but the statement in bold is simply not true for all spouses of military members getting a divorce. Only in limited circumstances which the OP, based on her statements, does not meet.

[candg918]

The OP's posts have claims that I am unable to resolve logically. She claims to have

1. worked for 25 years
2. have a doctorate
3. had a six figure income 12 years ago
4. receive only $900/month disability

This dollar amout of disability income seems very small given the other circumstances she describes.

She claims to have no other resources. Someone claiming to have a doctorate and working for a six figure income would likely have worked for an employer with LTD coverage and a retirement plan either from the employer or self funded.

Based on personal experience, I am skeptical.

[Proserpina]

Most likely she signed paperwork allowing him to do so, without paying attention to what she was signing, but she did not willingly take out the equity....she may have been living in denial, or may have been ridiculously trusting, but she didn't willingly do it.

I'll respectfully disagree. Being overly trusting and/or living in denial does not equal being an unwilling participant (if OP did actually sign something). It also doesn't mean it's ok to punish the other person for your own mistakes. I'm not saying the ex isn't the biggest con-man ever seen, but I'm not keen on judging someone so completely without hearing at least part of HIS story too.

It's not difficult to come to the same conclusion as you did but something (and believe me I wish I could put my finger on it) isn't gelling with the entire situation, in my very humble opinion. Maybe the time-line is confusing me, because that disability income figure doesn't gel with OP's work history. Maybe it's just me.

[Ohiogal]

\Actually, if you will re-read the thread, she and he bought out her mother together, making him co-owner, and then he somehow got further loans without her knowledge. Most likely she signed paperwork allowing him to do so, without paying attention to what she was signing, but she did not willingly take out the equity....she may have been living in denial, or may have been ridiculously trusting, but she didn't willingly do it.

Bull. She did sign the paperwork and unless he had a gun to her head she signed it willingly. Not paying attention to what she was signing is her OWN FAULT. She bears responsibility for that. If he ALONE signed off on the paperwork then there may be fraud involved HOWEVER she needs to prove that the bank did the wrong thing.

Bottom line...he married someone who was house rich and cash poor. He made sure that he got the full advantage of her assets...every penny, and then kicked her to the curb.

SHE allowed it. She also took advantage of ALL of his benefits that he received from the military. Marriage is a bit of give and take.

She is disabled, she is not in a position to recoup. She has a very limited disability income and that is all she will have for the rest of her life, other than what she might get from the marriage.

She is entitled to 50% of marital property, 50% of marital debt and LIMITED alimony. End of story. She doesn't get to live off of him because she made stupid ill-informed decisions.

Could you live on 900.00 a month for the rest of your life? You could if you had a house that was paid off. It would be a minimal existence but you could do it. However, if you also have to pay for housing its virtually impossible.

You are making excuses for HER decisions.

I really hope that some slamming attorney chooses to take on her case and makes this guy pay. I would not feel this way if he had left her house alone...which is what an honorable human being would have done.

Really? Did you ever think that she had more to do with the equity on the house than she is admitting. She is painting a picture of woe is me and yet has a doctorate degree. How many people with doctorate degrees do heavy lifting. Does the OP have severe brain damage? My vote is no. For her to get disability from the government she would have to be unable to work in the field she is trained for. With a doctorate she can teach at major universities. With a doctorate degree she has skills that do not rely on her body necessarily.

I totally accept that I am expressing a purely personal opinion and not necessarily a legal one, but things like this burn me. This isn't a human being who can live frugally for a few years and then recoup. This isn't someone who can file for bankruptcy and start over, and learn their lesson.

She could get a job and work though. Sorry but she could. She could teach. People who are quadriplegics can teach. Her mind works. She has a doctorate. Explain again why she cannot get a job? Seriously.

This is a disabled human being who was screwed by a con artist, and can never recoup. On top of that if her mother is still living, her mother has been equally screwed.

Re-read this thread yourself. Disabled does NOT mean stupid. The woman has a doctorate. Her mind still works. A broken body does NOT mean a broken mind. She is not feeble minded. If she was then that would be a different story. However you are being conned.

[Ohiogal]

Definition of Disability
For all individuals applying for disability benefits under title II, and for adults applying under title XVI, the definition of disability is the same. The law defines disability as the inability to engage in any substantial gainful activity (SGA) by reason of any medically determinable physical or mental impairment(s) which can be expected to result in death or which has lasted or can be expected to last for a continuous period of not less than 12 months.

AND

Q. How is the disability determination made?

A. SSA’s regulations provide for disability evaluation under a procedure known as the "sequential evaluation process." For adults, this process requires sequential review of the claimant's current work activity, the severity of his or her impairment(s), a determination of whether his or her impairment(s) meets or medically equals a listing (see Part III of this guide), the claimant's residual functional capacity, his or her past work, and his or her age, education, and work experience. For children applying for SSI, the process requires sequential review of the child's current work activity (if any), the severity of his or her impairment(s), and an assessment of whether his or her impairment(s) results in marked and severe functional limitations. If an adult or child is found disabled or not disabled at any point in the evaluation, the evaluation does not continue.

Again, she has a DOCTORATE degree. What are her disabilities?

Q. Can someone work and still receive disability benefits?

A. Social Security rules make it possible for people to test their ability to work without losing their rights to cash benefits and Medicare or Medicaid. These rules are called "work incentives." The rules are different for title II and title XVI, but under both programs they may provide:

continued cash benefits;

continued help with medical bills;

help with work expenses or;

vocational training.

[help in va]

i worked for 22 years as a secretary, i saved money, i earned VERY LITTLE and this is from the 80's and 90's when secretaries made oh about 15,000 a year some of those years, i have worked since high school. i earned and paid in full in cash for my degrees (PRIOR TO MEETING MY HUSBAND) which i finished earning one in 1994 and then one in 1999. from 92-99 i worked only part time due to school, but i supported myself from that savings and paid for school. so that is why my disability is only 900, its actually 1,000 but i have to pay for medicare!!!! any other questions?? i was lucky to have finished the doctorate as i was on the first group of serious medications starting during my first degree and they almost caused me not to finish. but i did.

so i was only able to work for about one year in my new career, i know it sucks for ME, not YOU and not for my HUSB. i love my job/career, i would give anything to do it tomorrow and forever, but that's not going to happen and that's life, like i said, disabilites and injuries, they DONT discriminate. that's why one needs a more positive attitude!!! so these things dont rule your life. and it does not. its why i met Husb and why we married, i did not intend to crawl in hole and die, i want to enjoy as much as i can as did he!!

and no my employer did not have any obligation to me since i had not been there long, in fact during my last year of work i had two 'failed attempts' according to soc sec. so you do the math. now that i have again defended my income. i really THANK you who have responded to me and had a head on your shoulders not filled with rage and bitterness.

i am not looking to punish anyone, i want my husband to be a happy man, obviously he is having issues with this and i hope he finds happiness, i dont wish harm on him in any way. with the issues i have all by myself, my attitude is very positive and strong, my body might not be but i am. and i never wanted him to leave at all, for whatever reason he is behaving the way he is i cannot speculate nor do i want to. he is doing what he needs to do i guess.

WE entered the marriage, WE decided to do the things you keep saying I I I I did. no WE did, except for his taking the equity, and yep HE sure did, and yep its a whole other legal battle, as stated above in my post, people do break the law you know... it is done every day... and as far as this being a tort? NO im not suing my h under tort law. ridiculous.

if he wants out so badly to do whatever it is he is doing???? then he needs to clean up the mess he made. how disgusting that a military officer, highly decorated DURING THE MARRIAGE, can take his wife, use her to his benefit, finding this out as we have more access to his files.. hhhmm, be abusive, be a drunk with serious alcohol issues, lie and deceive, and then just throw it all away when something else looks better?? no, im sorry,

if he wants that, that's fine, but yes he does have to clean up his mess, i dont want everything, i am hardly asking for anything here. to put me back as close as possible to 9 years ago?? even that's not a good situation. i will struggle with that one as well, i will have to rely on things that i may not like, and he will still be off making well over 6 fig a year on our boat somewhere living it up. but thats fine, i remain positive, but i am not a doormat either. so i really think some of you see this in a very skewed light.

during our marriage, absolutely i followed him, i supported him, thats what a military spouse DOES. what else was i supposed to do, REFUSE to support him as a spouse, ridiculous, why on earth is that used AGAINST me that i am a supportive military spouse, are you kidding, the command he is with practically requires it.... we have duties as wives to be in a certain position as well. so get yourself over that argument. he would be arguing the opposite if i did not do what a spouse does. how silly...

that IS my job to be a good wife, and he has not been a good husband. period, no opinions, just facts coming out all over the place. and NO i am not billing him for my time like some do, i am not itemizing the value of a spouse, im not that ridiculous either. he entered into a marriage knowing that supporting me would be his job. there you go. i did my job and still do it. i still support him today as a spouse should, even though is out running amok, i still respond to command functions and work on the few groups that i belong too in his flight community.

so yes, he has broken laws, and he has made a mess, sometimes without my knowledge or consent, and yes he is being pursued now for not one but three incidents of fraudulent and alleged illegal behavior. nothing to do with ME or our marriage but HIM and his actions. not very becoming to his title. that is why he needs to fix the mess he made, try to put things back the best he can, and yes, my disability does go to my support, and i started earning that during the marriage, i earned nothing when we met and married.

but he made some big obligations taking on a disabled spouse, if that man had come back from iraq in a freaking wheelchair, my job as spouse, wife, and a loving partner would be to stay with him as such, this is ridiculous. his job is extremely dangerous, he has had several incidents during flying over the years that almost took his health, body, life, and i never went running for a greener pasture... and then sued him for money and divorce. wake up.

once again, i thank you that answered me, the military spouse (former) thank you, and LdiJ, thank you for all your help, and your positivity. irish lady you too. thanks. i hope i dont leave anyone out who has truly been objective or helpful and just plain supportive... thanks for the help.

[Proserpina]

I'm sorry you didn't receive only the answers you obviously wanted to hear.

Nobody else is filled with rage and bitterness here; at least very few (if any) of the people who took their time to respond to your posts.

Speak with your attorney if the - free - responses here have not satisfied your questions.

[help in va]

first that is not the issue in my divorce or anything else for that matter, i was found 100% physically diabled by an administrative law judge along with my doctors and the social security system years ago, so i certainly dont need the soc sec laws cited here...

and second, my disabilities are actually none of anyone's business, i stated enough so that you should be able to read and figure out that if i am in a wheelchair some of the times, that i live in an ADA adaptive home, and i need care here at home when my husband is deployed, and that the diseases are PROGRESSIVE, then what my particular issues are are irrelevant. you can name it whatever you want. what's the difference to YOU if i am terminal cancer or paralyzed????

it only matters to ME, and i'm handling my medical issues just fine, why are YOU so worried about what they are?? you want to help?? otherwise, focus on the fact that you're NOT in a wheelchair for ANY length of time, and be thankful.....

LdiJ, thank you again.... you're awesome....