just need some help anything at this point

[help in va]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia
I will try to be brief. I have not read anything here yet, this was given to me as a link to try to get me some answers and hopefully put a lot of fear i have right now to rest. so i will start w/basic facts, and then my basic issues/questions.

husband is in military, officer, O-4 plus pilot pay
married almost 7 years,
'played' married one year prior to actual marriage to accompany him overseas so his command would not know.
i was fullly disabled when we met and filing for soc sec disability. i had worked for 25 years.
i have higher education which was fully paid for prior to meeting husband.
husband abandoned the home about 12 days ago, only to sleep elsewhere at night. i think its on our jointly owned boat. so there is no separation yet.
i have never worked during the marriage, never had to, or was able due to disab.
i was approved for and started receiving disab in 2007, very small amount 900 a month.
i pay for medicare each month as a safety net as my health issues are fairly serious, or can be at times.

after he started sleeping on the boat, he filed for divorce w/lawyer, citing all kinds of false statements, including alcoholism, drug abuse, and violence, all very untrue. almost laughably so.
i secured lawyer and the two lawyers spoke, advised husband he needed to return my stolen disability check from may 3, and 1/2 the money he had drained out of our accounts, he has taken everything in the 10s of thousands, including my disability.
he gives me access to the checking account for food and gas.
he is EXTREMELY verbally and emotionally abusive and has been for years. we have been to counseling 3 separate times. he never follows through after one to two visits, i continue to go, to this day.
when we met, my mortgage on my family home, owned then with my mother, was 320. a month, for 10 years starting in 2001. hers was about 600 a month for 18 years in 2001. we had dual life insurance on each other to cover the balance, and when i paid mine off in 2011 i would help her to pay hers off quicker.
i altered the home back in 2000-2001 to be ADA compliant due to my medcial issues and possibility of future issues.

my H and i now own the home,
since purchasing the home from my mother, my H has drained ALL equity from the home with loans having nothing to do with me. no knowledge. he spent all the money on his hobbies and his debt.
my family home now is where i live, the mortgage is very high about 2600 a month for 26 more years.
my husband makes 6 figures and will retire in his career most likely an O6, may an O5 as the worst case scenario.
he is threatning to get out of military to avoid paying me anything
he is suing me for EVERYTHING, the house, everything in it but my clothes and my car, he wants me to pay him money, and pay for his lawyer fees too. he wants this in the next 14 days.
he comes over everyday to take things, and upset me. however, he does have a 'live coral reef aquarium' built into the house that he is taking care of. i am unable to care for it for more than a few days without hiring someone and he will not allow it.

questions:

can i get 'lifetime support' from this man?
lifetime support as i have figured it, will never even be 1/2 of anything he makes. he will always have more than 1/2. and its a very high income.
he is getting the last installment of a large bonus next april, can i get 1/2 of this. we have received small installments over the past 3 years, but next march/april is the large one.
how much of his retirement can i expect, i want to ask for the proportion of time i have been his wife in the navy with him, which is approx 8 years, so 8/20 years.
can i keep my home or can he make me move by refusing to pay the mortgage or making me refinance it. i cannot refinance this place after what he has done to the amount, only making 900 in disability.
is it true that on the day of the final divorce that i will lose ALL my military benefits, medical, dental, base privel. etc. everything? is there anyway to extend at least the medical? some of my meds run thousands a month in the private sector.

i have an upcoming surgery that deals with this disability. does he have to help me at all? with outside assistance that he would have to pay for?

i know that the money i am asking for may seem like a lot but i only want shelter, food, utilities, the basics, and of course i will use my disability check as well. i need a tiny amount to put aside for an emergency or unforseen event but thats it.

he has done this to us financially, of course i was there, but as the nonworking spouse of a military officer, i have done what i was told to do and support him 100% in every way.

he is more than able to pay me all i need plus still have a substantial home, mortgage of his own, and all the extras too, since he will have more than 1/2 of his pay.

he would have a full financial life with no worries. he will have 100% medical for life and military benefits.

can he really threaten and then actually quit the military just to stop my medical NOW? plus lose all his retirement and income? i mean i guess he is a free man, but wont the court look on that as really bad and still have him support me??

we are in a 'fault' state, and he has no grounds, i actually do, but never wanted to file anything against him. i just wanted him to work on his personality disorder issues. can i go for court ordered counseling for a time, like a year?? while we work on it? is that possible, and not be separated legally?

thank you all for anything you can help me with, i am emotionally drained right now and dont know where to turn. i am depending on my lawyer to help but i dont have a lot of answers and i cannot afford to ask all these things, i dont have a lot of money to give a lawyer!!! and our first meeting is not until june 3. a long time away. do i have to move out before then???

thanks to you all again.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by help in va

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia
I will try to be brief. I have not read anything here yet, this was given to me as a link to try to get me some answers and hopefully put a lot of fear i have right now to rest. so i will start w/basic facts, and then my basic issues/questions.

husband is in military, officer, O-4 plus pilot pay
married almost 7 years,
'played' married one year prior to actual marriage to accompany him overseas so his command would not know.
i was fullly disabled when we met and filing for soc sec disability. i had worked for 25 years.
i have higher education which was fully paid for prior to meeting husband.
husband abandoned the home about 12 days ago, only to sleep elsewhere at night. i think its on our jointly owned boat. so there is no separation yet.
i have never worked during the marriage, never had to, or was able due to disab.
i was approved for and started receiving disab in 2007, very small amount 900 a month.
i pay for medicare each month as a safety net as my health issues are fairly serious, or can be at times.

after he started sleeping on the boat, he filed for divorce w/lawyer, citing all kinds of false statements, including alcoholism, drug abuse, and violence, all very untrue. almost laughably so.
i secured lawyer and the two lawyers spoke, advised husband he needed to return my stolen disability check from may 3, and 1/2 the money he had drained out of our accounts, he has taken everything in the 10s of thousands, including my disability.
he gives me access to the checking account for food and gas.
he is EXTREMELY verbally and emotionally abusive and has been for years. we have been to counseling 3 separate times. he never follows through after one to two visits, i continue to go, to this day.
when we met, my mortgage on my family home, owned then with my mother, was 320. a month, for 10 years starting in 2001. hers was about 600 a month for 18 years in 2001. we had dual life insurance on each other to cover the balance, and when i paid mine off in 2011 i would help her to pay hers off quicker.
i altered the home back in 2000-2001 to be ADA compliant due to my medcial issues and possibility of future issues.

my H and i now own the home,
since purchasing the home from my mother, my H has drained ALL equity from the home with loans having nothing to do with me. no knowledge. he spent all the money on his hobbies and his debt.
my family home now is where i live, the mortgage is very high about 2600 a month for 26 more years.
my husband makes 6 figures and will retire in his career most likely an O6, may an O5 as the worst case scenario.
he is threatning to get out of military to avoid paying me anything
he is suing me for EVERYTHING, the house, everything in it but my clothes and my car, he wants me to pay him money, and pay for his lawyer fees too. he wants this in the next 14 days.
he comes over everyday to take things, and upset me. however, he does have a 'live coral reef aquarium' built into the house that he is taking care of. i am unable to care for it for more than a few days without hiring someone and he will not allow it.

questions:

can i get 'lifetime support' from this man?
lifetime support as i have figured it, will never even be 1/2 of anything he makes. he will always have more than 1/2. and its a very high income.
he is getting the last installment of a large bonus next april, can i get 1/2 of this. we have received small installments over the past 3 years, but next march/april is the large one.
how much of his retirement can i expect, i want to ask for the proportion of time i have been his wife in the navy with him, which is approx 8 years, so 8/20 years.
can i keep my home or can he make me move by refusing to pay the mortgage or making me refinance it. i cannot refinance this place after what he has done to the amount, only making 900 in disability.
is it true that on the day of the final divorce that i will lose ALL my military benefits, medical, dental, base privel. etc. everything? is there anyway to extend at least the medical? some of my meds run thousands a month in the private sector.

i have an upcoming surgery that deals with this disability. does he have to help me at all? with outside assistance that he would have to pay for?

i know that the money i am asking for may seem like a lot but i only want shelter, food, utilities, the basics, and of course i will use my disability check as well. i need a tiny amount to put aside for an emergency or unforseen event but thats it.

he has done this to us financially, of course i was there, but as the nonworking spouse of a military officer, i have done what i was told to do and support him 100% in every way.

he is more than able to pay me all i need plus still have a substantial home, mortgage of his own, and all the extras too, since he will have more than 1/2 of his pay.

he would have a full financial life with no worries. he will have 100% medical for life and military benefits.

can he really threaten and then actually quit the military just to stop my medical NOW? plus lose all his retirement and income? i mean i guess he is a free man, but wont the court look on that as really bad and still have him support me??

we are in a 'fault' state, and he has no grounds, i actually do, but never wanted to file anything against him. i just wanted him to work on his personality disorder issues. can i go for court ordered counseling for a time, like a year?? while we work on it? is that possible, and not be separated legally?

thank you all for anything you can help me with, i am emotionally drained right now and dont know where to turn. i am depending on my lawyer to help but i dont have a lot of answers and i cannot afford to ask all these things, i dont have a lot of money to give a lawyer!!! and our first meeting is not until june 3. a long time away. do i have to move out before then???

thanks to you all again.

Okay...here's a start:

You are incorrect about the grounds for divorce in VA. Here's a quote, then the useful website from which it came:

There are different grounds for a divorce, separation, and annulment. In the case of an absolute divorce, there are five (5) grounds for a court to grant an absolute divorce:
Adultery, Sodomy, Buggery. No specific waiting period if residency requirement has been fulfilled.
Felony Conviction. At least one year imprisonment.
Cruelty. One year of separation for such act. Cruelty that will support a divorce is anything that tends to cause bodily harm and renders cohabitation unsafe or that involves danger to life, the person, or health. A single act of cruelty will not support divorce on this ground.
Desertion. One year of separation for each act.
Voluntary separation. Either six months with a valid separation and no minor children agreement, or one year if there is no agreement or you have minor children.
Any one of these grounds, if proved, will result in the complete dissolution of the marriage (look to each ground in order to find out how to prove that ground). You can file for divorce under more than one ground: for instance, adultery and desertion.

http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/VA/divorce/divexpln.htm

Use that link, please, to learn much more about VA divorce. Then come back with whatever questions you might have left, okay?

[help in va]

on grounds of cruelty, stating that i was so violent, blah blah, lies, that he was forced out of the home on may 1st 2009. well he actually started sleeping on the boat on the night of the 3rd, before that he was in our bed with me!! so everything else i still wonder about?? i am assuming he may drop the cruelty charges but still stay gone a year and then ask for the final divorce? thats my guess based on what i hear and see him doing? i dont know

[Dogmatique]

Originally Posted by help in va

on grounds of cruelty, stating that i was so violent, blah blah, lies, that he was forced out of the home on may 1st 2009. well he actually started sleeping on the boat on the night of the 3rd, before that he was in our bed with me!! so everything else i still wonder about?? i am assuming he may drop the cruelty charges but still stay gone a year and then ask for the final divorce? thats my guess based on what i hear and see him doing? i dont know

Is there any proof of violence towards or by either of you?

[LdiJ]

You need to let your attorney handle this. This is way beyond the scope of anything that we can legitimately advise you about.

However, I hope that you do get lifetime alimony, and I hope that you get it in the amount of the mortgage payment, because your husband is a skunk.

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

You need to let your attorney handle this. This is way beyond the scope of anything that we can legitimately advise you about.

However, I hope that you do get lifetime alimony, and I hope that you get it in the amount of the mortgage payment, because your husband is a skunk.

Without even hearing HIS side of the "story"??

I'm sure OP is hoping to get a judge with your outlook.

[nextwife]

You're married a mere SEVEN years and you think you should get LIFETIME support?

Honest to gosh, you think someone should support you forever because you happened to have been married 84 months out of your lives to each other?

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by nextwife

You're married a mere SEVEN years and you think you should get LIFETIME support?

Honest to gosh, you think someone should support you forever because you happened to have been married 84 months out of your lives to each other?

That's right. Plus medical.

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by nextwife

You're married a mere SEVEN years and you think you should get LIFETIME support?

Honest to gosh, you think someone should support you forever because you happened to have been married 84 months out of your lives to each other?

Yeap I'm sure she expects the moon for giving this man her hand in matrimony.

If BS was music OP would be a full brass band!

[IrishLady47]

In response to some of your questions:

I doubt that your husband can immediately resign from the military. If he is receiving bonuses, he has incurred an active duty service obligation. However, once he completes any ADSO, he can resign. He does not have to stay in the military until eligible to retire.

As long as you are not divorced, whether you live together or not, you retain your military medical benefits. All benefits will stop upon divorce. To retain even temporary medical benefits, you would have had to been married for 20 years, your spouse in the service for 20 years and a 15 year overlap. All benefits are retained if the 20/20/20 rule is met. This is governed by federal law.

The military retirement accrued during the marriage is subject to property division. You could be awarded up to 20% of his retirement. But until he retires, you do not receive anything. If he doesn't make it until retirement, you do not receive anything. Keep in mind that his retired pay is ONLY based on his basic monthly pay--not any allowances or special duty pay (flight pay). Depending on which pay plan he falls under (there are 3 in effect), he will only receive 40% or 50% of his basic pay. You'd receive only 20% of that.

Originally Posted by help in va

my H and i now own the home,
since purchasing the home from my mother, my H has drained ALL equity from the home with loans having nothing to do with me. no knowledge. he spent all the money on his hobbies and his debt.

I do not quite understand this. Are you saying that you bought the house together from your Mom and are both on the title and the original mortgage? And, then he took out loans against the equity without your signature? And, dissipated those assets?

Originally Posted by help in va

do i have to move out before then???

You do not have to move until ordered to do so by court order. Neither does he.

Personally, I would rather have back my pre-marital assets (the equity in the house that existed) than depend on alimony or a future interest in unguaranteed retirement. But I do not know how legally feasible that would be.

[help in va]

to watch some of you guys fight amongst yourselves. my monologue does not even come close to the situation as it is. i was trying to be brief to get some type of comfort. my husband married me, a DISABLED woman on social security after working for it for over 20 years. i have SEVERE medical issues, so be careful what you assume. yes, i do want support for the rest of my life, and no its not anywhere near 'the moon'. my disability will go toward my support, and that will be nothing but food shelter and medical. i am asking for NOTHING but the basics. and YES there is documentation of abuse BY HIM toward me. it was hidden very carefully due to his career, but it can easily be brought forward.

i am in a wheelchair some of the time, depending upon the situation medically, i hope those of you who are so hate-filled over this really re-asses their thoughts. you never know when your life will change forever, my husband went into relationship this with eyes wide open, and anything that has changed to my phycially was a surprise to both of us during the marriage, ie when i suffered a broken neck and back, we were married when that one happened. so yes, while i may have a lot of questions, that i was hoping to at least get a bit of direction, i was not expecting such hostility, i do appreciate the remarks and questions that are helpful. thank you very much. i do have a lawyer, and he will hopefullly help me, i was trying to get some direction so i would not be wasteful with asking the lawyer 100 questions, about fears and medical issues, etc and the military. i am trying my best to save as much money as possible without being wasteful at the lawyers office.

i was a hard working person, i have a doctorate degree, i was making 6 figures 12 years ago and it was taken away from me, i did not have a choice, inherited diseases and injuries DONT discriminate!!! but i picked up and moved on i got the best medical i could afford and find, and after that i met my husband, he decided to be part of my life and i was part of his. and i did (and do) everything to support him in his career to the best of my ability. and its too bad if he has changed his mind about his level of commitment, i did not, i never stopped caring for him or supporting him.

i do appreciate those who are helpful. as yes, to answer a question, my mother and i owned the home, my husband and i purchased it from me and mom, i know weird, but yes, it did have a lot of equity, and yes he did do a second on the house without my knowledge and yes, he did use the proceeds from that transaction for HIMSELF. yes, its a whole separate legal issue that is now tied into the action for divorce. and this fine upstanding officer has commited crimes, and he continues to defraud different entities, and he has been abusive to me and yes, its documented.

so those who are judging me, need to look inward at why they are so angry over MY disability and MY husband deciding to abandon his family and take off on our boat????

all i asked for was information about whether or not it is possible to receive basic support for life, and yes there are extenuating circumstances to this one. maybe not all women are blood sucking vampires looking for a victim.


thanks to all who are helpful in what is stressful without medical issues thrown in for good measure....

[Dogmatique]

This may or may not be relevant; when did you become disabled?

[help in va]

i have shown symptoms for 20+ years, but they were not severe/debilitating until 97, i was finally diagnosed with some of the whole picture about 99, i stopped working completely in january 2000, and it was not good for 2 years prior to the final leaving my career. i took a year to 'fix' my health the best i could w/medical teams and medications for the illness. i was 'self supportive' until end of 2000 when i filed for disability, social security ruled that i was 'officially' 100% physically and permanently disabled as of 1999. (met hubby in begining of 2001, married at end of 2002) i started receiving disability payments in approx 2006, they took the payments back as far as the law allows which is one year from something? dont remember the exact rules. but they 'back' paid me, and then pay me monthly since. some of the delay was due to our relocation overseas from 2002 to 2005, so it was put on the slow track.

since i have a progressive disease(s), i have become worse in different ways since 1999, and it continues to run its course here and there. they have added one disease to the 'list' in the past two years or so, it takes a long time to pin some of these down, they are hard little suckers to find because they can be confused with a lot of others so they are really careful before labeling you with a disease.

that help anything? in fact i have another surgery coming up within the next month YUCK. so it's ongoing as well.
thanks for asking....

[Ohiogal]

He in no way shape or form owes you LIFETIME support. You had disability BEFORE you married him and you still have it. HE MIGHT be ordered to pay you for approximately 3 years if that some spousal support which will then count as income for you. But you have NO claim for lifetime support.

[help in va]

yes i was disabled when we met, no not as severely as now, but here is the issue, when we met, i had my home, i had my security, and when we married, after LONG and very DETAILED and INTENSE discussions about me, we did decide to move forward, but i have changed my entire life for him, due to military wife obligations, i have followed him, i have been injured in situations i would not have been in otherwise, i became worse overseas due to limited medical availability, i altered all my security in the understanding that we were changing all these things for the better for OUR future, now that everything is altered from his career and from him, i am being left out to dry.... so that is what i have the problem with is all was fine until i decided to support him for life in every way other than financial. and then he just changes his mind after he has advanced a LONG way in his career, he has moved leaps and bounds, and yes a lot of it was due to ME. i have received 3 separate spouse awards from the military from three separate commands, and one other service than the navy, so my support of him has been tremendous. any command will tell you that a spouse's support of an officer/pilot/servicemember is CRITICAL to their advancement and success. so why should he be at the top now, and decide to leave a mess behind, and i mean a BIG MESS. he at least needs to put me back to where he found me. make me 'whole' as much as that is possible. so that is what i mean by 'lifetime' support. not catering to me and not raising my standard of living, but if he wants to go play now with all his money and success, then he needs to fix what he did 'eyes wide open'**************. he cannot have his cake and eat it too. nor do i expect to. he is in a much better place than he was 9 years ago, i just need to be put back to 9 year ago status, which is nothing compared to his**************.