parental abandonment

[nutmegkg]

What is the name of your state? Utah
My ex-husband of 11 years ago is the father of the oldest two of my five children. He has been in and out of prison and drops off the face of the planet for years at a time. He has paid child support twice in my 15 year old and 13 year old's lives. My second husband has been helping me raise them for the past ten years and has been an amazing father that they ALL call daddy. The kids even asked him, not me, if they could change their last name to his last name and we all agreed we would take whatever legal action we needed to to make that happen. My ex-husband has currently made his where-abouts unknown for three years now. My oldest son has been in much therapy due to my ex constantly disappearing in his life. My son was finally doing much better and has built an amazingly stong bond with my husband but unfortunatly for our family, this amazing man and husband and father was killed in an automobile accident while in TX for business in February 2005. We are all devastated and back in family therapy. My two oldest are taking it the hardest. He was the only father that they really knew. Sorry this is so long but my question is I want to make a will and leave all my children to a beautiful couple in the event that I might die and I would also like to change my children's name over to my husband's who just past away. This is my children's desire as well. So How do I go about ending my ex-husband's parental rights if I have no idea of his where-abouts and he's been gone for three years?

[MtnMoon]

Originally Posted by nutmegkg

So How do I go about ending my ex-husband's parental rights if I have no idea of his where-abouts and he's been gone for three years?

According to Utah Statutes:

"78-3a-404. Petition -- Who may file.

(1) Any interested party, including a foster parent, may file a petition for termination of the parent-child relationship with regard to a child.


78-3a-407. Grounds for termination of parental rights -- Findings regarding reasonable efforts.

(1) The court may terminate all parental rights with respect to a parent if it finds any one of the following:
(a) that the parent has abandoned the child;
(b) that the parent has neglected or abused the child;
(c) that the parent is unfit or incompetent;
(d) that the child is being cared for in an out-of-home placement under the supervision of the court or the division and the parent has substantially neglected, wilfully refused, or has been unable or unwilling to remedy the circumstances that cause the child to be in an out-of-home placement, and there is a substantial likelihood that the parent will not be capable of exercising proper and effective parental care in the near future;
(e) failure of parental adjustment, as defined in this chapter;
(f) that only token efforts have been made by the parent:
(i) to support or communicate with the child;
(ii) to prevent neglect of the child;
(iii) to eliminate the risk of serious physical, mental, or emotional abuse of the child; or
(iv) to avoid being an unfit parent;
(g) the parent has voluntarily relinquished the parent's parental rights to the child, and the court finds that termination is in the child's best interest;
(h) the parent, after a period of trial during which the child was returned to live in the child's own home, substantially and continuously or repeatedly refused or failed to give the child proper parental care and protection; or
(i) the terms and conditions of safe relinquishment of a newborn child have been complied with, pursuant to Title 62A, Chapter 4a, Part 8, Safe Relinquishment of a Newborn Child.
(2) The court may not terminate the parental rights of a parent because the parent has failed to complete the requirements of a treatment plan.
(3) (a) In any case in which the court has directed the division to provide reunification services to a parent, the court must find that the division made reasonable efforts to provide those services before the court may terminate the parent's rights under Subsection (1)(b), (c), (d), (e), (f), or (h).
(b) The court is not required to make the finding under Subsection (3)(a) before terminating a parent's rights:
(i) under Subsection (1)(b) based upon abuse or neglect found by the court to have occurred subsequent to adjudication; or
(ii) if reasonable efforts are not required under federal law.

Amended by Chapter 246, 2002 General Session

78-3a-408. Evidence of grounds for termination.

(1) In determining whether a parent or parents have abandoned a child, it is prima facie evidence of abandonment that the parent or parents:
(b) have failed to communicate with the child by mail, telephone, or otherwise for six months;
(c) failed to have shown the normal interest of a natural parent, without just cause"


Consult with an attorney for more information. Your local county courthouse might have a self-serve office. Look in the yellow pages for the phone number of the courthouse. Hope some of this helps!

[stealth2]

As an FYI - while you can make your wishes known (via a will) regarding who you'd like to raise the kids should you pass, you can not "leave" them to anyone. They are not puppies or furniture. Should that event occur, the court would ultimately decide where the children would be placed.

My condolences on your loss.

[nutmegkg]

I resent that you imply that I might think of my children as puppies or furniture. And I find it rediculous that I as a parent cannot secure a healthy environment and trustworthy people to raise my children in the event of my own death. It is much more important that I as their parent LEAVE (since I woulding be LEAVING) them with trustworthy people who will raise them with the morals and love and religious beliefs that I approve of. I am certain that when people die and leave a will that lists guardians for their children, that the courts have no right to say "Na" or "We'll think about it" unless of course there is an issue of neglect, abuse, or they themselves die or suddenly refuse to take care of the children. And I assure you that I am definitely much more picky about who to LEAVE my children to than the courts would even be.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by nutmegkg

I resent that you imply that I might think of my children as puppies or furniture. And I find it rediculous that I as a parent cannot secure a healthy environment and trustworthy people to raise my children in the event of my own death. It is much more important that I as their parent LEAVE (since I woulding be LEAVING) them with trustworthy people who will raise them with the morals and love and religious beliefs that I approve of. I am certain that when people die and leave a will that lists guardians for their children, that the courts have no right to say "Na" or "We'll think about it" unless of course there is an issue of neglect, abuse, or they themselves die or suddenly refuse to take care of the children. And I assure you that I am definitely much more picky about who to LEAVE my children to than the courts would even be.

You also have my condolences for your loss...however you are being overly sensitive (understandably) which is causing you not to listen to the information that you are given.

Only property can be "willed". Children are not property. You can express your wishes regarding the children in your will....but a judge will decide custody based on the law. Your will could help a judge decide...but he judge still has to make the decision based on the law. Neither Stealth nor I, nor you, have any control over this.

Getting angry with the messenger doesn't help you.

[nutmegkg]

Don't use words like "condolences" or "understandably" and then lecture me. It only shows that you do not truly understand and condolences are mere attempts to sound sympathetic towards something or someone who does not have any bearing on your life and you really have no feeling for that other person because you just have no connection with that person. People who truly understand and send their condolences never believe that someone in my position is being "over-sensitive" and would realize that they might have come across with their information in a wrong manner to someone who has just recently experienced a death of a mate.
As for the information you gave me, thank you for the thought although it was not the info I was asking for. And I am sure that there is a way to make sure my children are raised by the people I choose for them. And I will deeply investigate that myself.

[stealth2]

Hokay. I take back my condolences. The fact remains that wills are for leaving property. Nor did you specify that you were leaving your children WITH someone, but you specifically said you were leaving the TO someone. That equates the children with property. Like a puppy or sofa. You cannot do that, legally. Your will can specify your preferences regarding a guardian for your children. However, that person/people is not obligated by your will, nor is the court. The court will have the final say based on its determination of the fitness of the person/people specified AND/OR any other people with standing to petition the court for custody. Sorry that you don't like the way real life works. Deal with it.

[nutmegkg]

I apologize for not responding to you. I very much appreciate all the information you gave me and the manner in which you did so. Leaving out any personal opinions and just giving me the law. Thank you for your response.

[nutmegkg]

Its a couple of days later after a good cry and I'm feeling a bit stupid. My apologies for any rudeness I displayed

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by nutmegkg

Its a couple of days later after a good cry and I'm feeling a bit stupid. My apologies for any rudeness I displayed

I think that people understood where it was coming from. Your loss is recent and your emotions would obviously still be in turmoil. Just keep that in mind for the future. It honestly better for you to get the truth.

[dallas702]

1- we all thank mtnmoon for the concise answer

2- I would suggest that you sit down with the people you are thinking of considering for guardianship and have a long talk....with a family law attorney present to help. IF any or all of those you choose agree to be "godparents" (for lack of a better word), then have them become licensed as foster parents. They will be checked thoroughly by the state (you'd be surprised at what might turn up...or not), their home will be inspected for "fitness", and should something happen to you the kids could be placed with them immediately. I'd also suggest that in this process you consider schools, church, and the physical location of the "chosen ones" when doing this. Again, IF something should happen, neither you nor the state would want these kids uprooted again from their home surroundings.

You are doing a very smart thing by planning ahead, but I hope you don't allow the fear of dying to control the rest of your lives. There have been some good books written to help you and your children. Try this link: [url]http://bookcomplex.org/1857923227.html[/url], in particular [url]http://bookcomplex.org/1857923227.html[/url], or maybe [url]www.explorefaith.org[/url] to see if help is there. If you are LDS you will be directed where to get counseling. If not, these resources are just a fraction of what's available.

Good luck.

[nutmegkg]

Thank you so much! Those are great ideas!
I have known the people I've chosen as gaurdians for my children for over ten years in a very close family-type intamacy. They are very, very good people. We are all Jehovah's Witnesses and I assure you the only fear I have is definitely not of dying (and the children all have a very healthy out-take on it themselves) but of my children going to some stranger that will not bring them up with the Bible truths that we live by and would not possibly keep them all together. (There are five of them) I have already had conversations with the couple of course. I think those were some sound ways of going about establishing (or at least doing my best to) chosen guardians.

[dallas702]

I am not JW, but one of my sons married a JW girl (in family name only, really) and he attended for several years. I know your concerns, but you still have the problem of getting the system to agree with your choice. Have them go through the foster care/adoption process. They will have to give reference names that will be checked, so be sure their references share your beliefs. Since it concerns you this much....and it probably should....get all the paperwork and people lined up as soon as possible. In the end (if anything should happen), the court will still have the final say. You just need to be prepared and preemptive.

[BelizeBreeze]

o.k. now I feel dumb. While I was typing you came back and apologized so forget what I said.

Take yourself to an attorney and file a standby guardianship if you have someone who will take over in the case of your demise or in case you are in the hospital and cannot care for the children for a length of time.

A standby guardianship is a pre-legal proceeding that takes place now but does not kick in until you are incapacitated. In that event , it kicks in immediately and until you are in a position to care for the children.

If, in the even of your death, the guardians wish, they then have legal standing to file for legal custody.

[nutmegkg]

Thank You Thank You Thank You!!! What great advice. I feel much better knowing that there is at least SOMETHING I can do. And I never even thought of the possability that I could be alive and hospitalized, unable to care for my kids for a time or possibly permanently. Thank you very much. I most likely will live a long and healthy life I'm sure and none of this will ever need to be looked at again but then again I thought my husband would be here through our whole life as well.
I appreciate your mercy Belizebreeze.