paying now, paying later too?

[ldrp-rnc]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I have been married to a verbally,emotionally, and physically abusive man for 20 years. We have 4 children, only 2 still live at home. I am finally prepared to leave him and seek a divorce. During the course of the marriage my husband has worked sporadically at best and I have provided the sole financial support for the last 5 years. For safety reasons, I may have to leave by simply going to work one day and never going home again. If I do that, would I be guilty of abandoning the children? How will that effect my chances for custody? And should I expect to have to pay alimony, too?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I have been married to a verbally,emotionally, and physically abusive man for 20 years. We have 4 children, only 2 still live at home. I am finally prepared to leave him and seek a divorce. During the course of the marriage my husband has worked sporadically at best and I have provided the sole financial support for the last 5 years. For safety reasons, I may have to leave by simply going to work one day and never going home again. If I do that, would I be guilty of abandoning the children? How will that effect my chances for custody? And should I expect to have to pay alimony, too?

If you leave the children with dad, then yes, that's going to effect your chances for custody. If you own a home and leave the home in dad's possession, that's going to be an issue/complication as well.

Why not just file for divorce and ask for temporary possession of the marital home?

If he gets physical with you, call the cops.

 

[IrishLady47]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I have been married to a verbally,emotionally, and physically abusive man for 20 years. We have 4 children, only 2 still live at home. I am finally prepared to leave him and seek a divorce. During the course of the marriage my husband has worked sporadically at best and I have provided the sole financial support for the last 5 years. For safety reasons, I may have to leave by simply going to work one day and never going home again. If I do that, would I be guilty of abandoning the children? How will that effect my chances for custody? And should I expect to have to pay alimony, too?

In addition to seeking the advise of a family law attorney in your area, I'd check with domestic violence counselors also. If you feel you have to leave w/o disclosing your decision to divorce for safety reasons, why would you leave your children there? This is exactly the time when an abusive person will act out the most. You're probably going to tell me "he never hits the children, only me". Well, that often (not always) changes when you not around as the convenient punching bag.

And, as LdiJ said, leaving the children in his custody will impact on a final custody decision. Actions speak louder than words and by leaving them in his custody, you are showing that you consider him a competent parent for custodial purposes.

Alimony depends on various factors, but you need to be concerned since you are the financial provider in a long-term marriage.

You may have "had it up to here" but simply walking out is NOT going to solve your problems.

Get some good advice and come up with a plan. Note - verbal & emotional abuse can be very hard to prove. Physical also unless you have substantiating evidence such as police reports, hospital records, unbiased witnesses, etc.

 

[ldrp-rnc]

Ok, so obviously I need to take the kids with me when I go. I just need to figure out a way to safely do so and I will contact local dv counselors for help with that. Next question: I am a nurse and have worked as a "traveler" for several years in the past. If I leave the marriage with kids in tow and accept a travel assignment in another state, would I be in any trouble legally? Especially if I do so without the spouse's ok? Finally, we do not own a home so there's no issue there. However, I guess I should expect to have to pay spousal support due to the length of the marriage? Any idea how much that may cost? Thanks for your help.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok, so obviously I need to take the kids with me when I go. I just need to figure out a way to safely do so and I will contact local dv counselors for help with that. Next question: I am a nurse and have worked as a "traveler" for several years in the past. If I leave the marriage with kids in tow and accept a travel assignment in another state, would I be in any trouble legally? Especially if I do so without the spouse's ok? Finally, we do not own a home so there's no issue there. However, I guess I should expect to have to pay spousal support due to the length of the marriage? Any idea how much that may cost? Thanks for your help.

Yes, you could definitely have a problem if you leave the state with the children, without either the permission of their father or the permission of the court. That's a good way to end up without custody of the kids. Plan to stay put in your current community. How old are the two children?

There really isn't a set formula for alimony.

 

[ldrp-rnc]

the kids are 15 and 11 with birthdays in Jan and Feb. Would they be given a choice regarding with whom thay want to live?
Would there be a problem if I took an assignment as far away as I could get from my husband while still staying in CA? I fully expect him to be a "stalker" when I leave which is why I want to put distant between us. I've tried to leave in the past and ended up in the hospital for it (broken collarbone and concussion). Of course, since I had a concussion, I didn't know he caused it and only found out later when he was certain there would be no repercussions for him. That's why I really don't want to stay in the same community.