Please help - this is new to me

[Industrye]

What is the name of your state? NYS

I recently started dating a man who is divorced and has a 5 year old child. Apparently he was young when she got pregnant and tried to do the right thing & married her, he say's he was never in love. After realizing that the marriage wasn't going to work they divorced w/i the same year (only married about a year) just to avoid the child from having to be put thru it when she was older. He has told me that his ex took 1/2 of everything he had & I know he pays child support. I'm not sure if he pays alimony though. He is quite successful and owned his own business when they divorced but has since joined the Fire Dept.

I'm wondering if she is entitled to half of his pension from the Fire Dept. if they were not married when he joined it?

For how many years does he have to pay her alimony (or whatever it is in NYS)?

Am I correct to assume that he will pay for the child until 21?

Is it possible she could have taken a one time settlement at the divorce? or could he be paying her monthly as well?

Is the child support based on his current salary?

Should I let this go and move on to find someone who is also single with no children? (I do care about this man a lot, however, if this is going to cause me problems for the rest of my life I'm not sure its worth it.

My concern is not his child, its the ex. I work hard and I'd love to build a life with him but not having any of this same baggage I don't want to be caught up in paying her bills for the rest of my life.

Thanks for any / all advice!
So very confused......

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by Industrye

What is the name of your state? NYS

I recently started dating a man who is divorced and has a 5 year old child. Apparently he was young when she got pregnant and tried to do the right thing & married her, he say's he was never in love. After realizing that the marriage wasn't going to work they divorced w/i the same year (only married about a year) just to avoid the child from having to be put thru it when she was older. He has told me that his ex took 1/2 of everything he had & I know he pays child support. I'm not sure if he pays alimony though. He is quite successful and owned his own business when they divorced but has since joined the Fire Dept.

I'm wondering if she is entitled to half of his pension from the Fire Dept. if they were not married when he joined it?

For how many years does he have to pay her alimony (or whatever it is in NYS)?

Am I correct to assume that he will pay for the child until 21?

Is it possible she could have taken a one time settlement at the divorce? or could he be paying her monthly as well?

Is the child support based on his current salary?

Should I let this go and move on to find someone who is also single with no children? (I do care about this man a lot, however, if this is going to cause me problems for the rest of my life I'm not sure its worth it.

My concern is not his child, its the ex. I work hard and I'd love to build a life with him but not having any of this same baggage I don't want to be caught up in paying her bills for the rest of my life.

Thanks for any / all advice!
So very confused......

My advice is to move on. His ex and the NYS legal system will own his @ss for a very long time

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Industrye

What is the name of your state? NYS

I recently started dating a man who is divorced and has a 5 year old child. Apparently he was young when she got pregnant and tried to do the right thing & married her, he say's he was never in love. After realizing that the marriage wasn't going to work they divorced w/i the same year (only married about a year) just to avoid the child from having to be put thru it when she was older. He has told me that his ex took 1/2 of everything he had & I know he pays child support. I'm not sure if he pays alimony though. He is quite successful and owned his own business when they divorced but has since joined the Fire Dept.

I'm wondering if she is entitled to half of his pension from the Fire Dept. if they were not married when he joined it?

Of course not.

If they were young I am quite sure that they didn't have much for her to take.

For how many years does he have to pay her alimony (or whatever it is in NYS)?

I doubt he is paying her alimony at all. They were only married a year.

Am I correct to assume that he will pay for the child until 21?

Yes, he will be paying child support until age 21 or emancipation, whichever comes first.

Is it possible she could have taken a one time settlement at the divorce? or could he be paying her monthly as well?

Again, I doubt that he is paying her any alimony at all, and I doubt that they had much to divide in the way of assets either. However, if there was any joint debt run up in that year, he could be giving her money towards that.

Is the child support based on his current salary?

There is no way for us to know the answer to that question. However if he was making alot more with what he was doing then, than he is making now, a judge might have refused to reduce child support if his change in career was voluntary.

Should I let this go and move on to find someone who is also single with no children? (I do care about this man a lot, however, if this is going to cause me problems for the rest of my life I'm not sure its worth it.

Well, there is the possibility that he is being less than honest with you. Other than that, what kind of problems are you worried about?

My concern is not his child, its the ex. I work hard and I'd love to build a life with him but not having any of this same baggage I don't want to be caught up in paying her bills for the rest of my life.

Thanks for any / all advice!
So very confused......

You wouldn't be paying his child support, or for past marital debts, he would. However, if this sort of thing is enough to make you have second thoughts, then its probably not the relationship that you should be in.

[Industrye]

Thanks for the info, much appreciated!

I am 100% he is being totally honest with me as far as what I know about their relationship, I'm sure that its over, it has been for almost 4 years. I've tried to not pry too much into his past regarding this but I guess I should just ask him. He hasn't held anything back from me regarding the situation when I ask.

He owned a business prior to the position he is in now so yes, I'd say he made more then. (Business has been sold). I'm thinking she took 1/2 in some sory of settlement (he said she took 1/2 of everything he had). My concern is that that's fine & that she isn't going to oneday decide she deserved more & take him to court. They were 23 when they got divorced. Would she even be entitled to alimony for the year?

Its such a bad situation because everyone has their problems, and he is such an amazing person. Its going to be hard to let it go just because of his past.

Thanks again for all the help.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by Industrye

I'm thinking she took 1/2 in some sory of settlement (he said she took 1/2 of everything he had). My concern is that that's fine & that she isn't going to oneday decide she deserved more & take him to court. They were 23 when they got divorced. Would she even be entitled to alimony for the year?

Its such a bad situation because everyone has their problems, and he is such an amazing person. Its going to be hard to let it go just because of his past.

Thanks again for all the help.

That's not how it works. The divorce is final, the property settlement is final. If he's paying alimony, that would be surprising.

Child support is the court order that goes up with income.

[Cainlord]

Assuming you marry this gentleman, please keep in mind these things:

1. Are you ok dealing with any emotions that may arise from the ex possibly making it hard on him concerning anything with his other child and knowing you have absolutely no say?

2. Are you ok planning your life and any future children's lives around his visitation times.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to get involved in this mess, and I am still amazed my wife can do it as well as she does.

[Industrye]

Thanks (again!)

They seem to have a good relationship (him & the ex regarding scheduling visitations) and we all live very close to each other. I'm ok with his child being a part of his life, he's a wonderful dad and I admire that he has handled this so well. I also realize that they will be making the decisions regarding the child and I won't have say. My concern really doesn't lay with the child, its more of what the ex is entittled to. I've worked really hard to have nice things & he works really hard. I wouldn't want her coming back for more (glad to hear that it doesn't sound like she can).

Does anyone know if she will be entittled to his pension from the fire dept? He was not on the dept. when they were divorced, he joined three years after they were divorced.

Thanks again....
Wishing I didn't have any doubts!

[VeronicaLodge]

no, she would not be entitled to his pension from the fire department.

[Industrye]

Thanks again for all the very helpful information you've provided me with. Its greatly appreciated! I've decided to continue on in the relationship because he is a wonderful person!

[wileybunch]

And, just wanted to add to take it slowly so you can see for yourself what you are getting into (non legal advice, of course, that could save you from needing legal advice in the future ).

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by wileybunch

And, just wanted to add to take it slowly so you can see for yourself what you are getting into (non legal advice, of course, that could save you from needing legal advice in the future ).

EVERYBODY needs legal advice now and in the foreseeable future.

When OP is paying CS out of her earnings for a kid she didn't create, she'll be back asking how to dump his ass!!

Tell it like it is wiley!! Don't tiptoe around the subject like a cat waiting for the chance to spring!!

She should be looking for an easy mark. This guy is NOT an easy mark because some other woman made him previously and has his ass tied up for a LONG time!!

[Blue Meanie]

Considering the OP JUST started dating this guy...How is any of this her business??

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by baystategirl

Considering the OP JUST started dating this guy...How is any of this her business??

That a woman for you, nosey and making sure it's the guy's ass on the line!!!

[happybug]

I do have to say my only answer to this is- " ASK HIM " If you are planning a future with this man, you should be able to discuss these matters. If you want a real relationship, start communicating with him and stop trying to figure out his financial situation on a message board. He knows darn well his EX can't touch a pension for a position he started AFTER the divorce. Why not ASK HIM. Yes, he has C/S until 21 in NY. I just don't understand if you are expecting a true relationship with this man, you aren't asking him these questions?

[wileybunch]

Originally Posted by Bali Hai

EVERYBODY needs legal advice now and in the foreseeable future.

When OP is paying CS out of her earnings for a kid she didn't create, she'll be back asking how to dump his ass!!

Tell it like it is wiley!! Don't tiptoe around the subject like a cat waiting for the chance to spring!!

She should be looking for an easy mark. This guy is NOT an easy mark because some other woman made him previously and has his ass tied up for a LONG time!!

Cite a case where the spouse of the person obligated to pay child support is obligated to pay CS out of their earnings.

Other than that, I apologize for not telling it like it is ....
Industrye, all women are scum. Thus, you shouldn't ever care about anyone but yourself -- not the man, not the child. Look for a man that's easy pickings, one w/no one to adore but you, that way, he can shower you with all he has -- make sure he's RICH! -- and then when you have been married long enough to have earned a big fat spousal support check, cut off all the sex (well, at least with HIM), start having affairs, and screw him in all OTHER ways you can! If there's one thing I've learned from Bali Hai's expertise here, it's this. I hope this was helpful.