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Question on Mediation.

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JAVGAG

Junior Member
Nevada

Hey Folks,

So my spouse and I are getting divorced.

Without my knowledge, she went out and retained an attorney thinking that I would not contest anything she asked for in the settlement.
Attorney sends me a letter that has an alimony settlement that made my eyes bug out of my head. I had asked repeatedly over 3 weeks for us to stay friends and mediate.
She had other plans.

Spoke to one attorney who said that the alimony was too high and she would not get it if it went to trial. (didn't like this attorney as she seemed far too aggressive and I didn't want that)
Went to and retained a second attorney who was much more level and he also said the alimony demand was ridiculous and there is no way she would receive it in a trial.
So now I have two attorney's in agreement that the alimony demand is far too high.

Her attorney created a demand based on information from his client. This information was bad as she believed I wouldn't contest anything.
She told me prior to me seeing the letter that he said he wouldn't "tap me out". Those were her exact words.

We have just had our hearing and a trial date has been set.
We agreed to joint custody of my under age of majority son
I have agreed to make payments to match her attorney fees to mine so level ground.
We are still living together in the same residence and I guess we will be for the foreseeable future.
We have agreed to see a mediator and this is where my question comes from

She is locked into this high dollar amount and I would believe that her attorney is not going to advise her to take any less now.
My attorney is 100% certain that she would never get this in a trial but being a good attorney, he told me there is always risks.
The difference between what he feels she is entitled to and what she is asking for is a pretty big difference.
I even talked to him about just coming up to get closer to her demands to end this quickly and he advised me not to do that.
He stated that everything is connected in a divorce settlement and we need to stand our ground. I do believe him

So my real question based on all of this is "is doing mediation a waste of time and money at this point"?
She already has a number in her head based on her attorney and her divorced friend that she likes to speak from.
I already have a number (although I feel more negotiable ) which is lower than what she is asking for.
So I would be ready to negotiate but I don't have the highest confidence that she would.

I believe if we had mediated from the beginning, she would already have her divorce and we would both be off building new lives.
As it stands now, this is going to drag on for many months until the trial

Does anyone have experience with a contested divorce actually being able to mediate an outcome?
Seems to me that once both sides have dug in their heels, this is a fruitless exercise.
 


Silverplum

Senior Member
This belongs in your previous thread: we prefer to have all of the information in one thread.

Also, we won't second-guess your attorney. If you don't trust him, fire him.
 

adjusterjack

Senior Member
Does anyone have experience with a contested divorce actually being able to mediate an outcome?
Seems to me that once both sides have dug in their heels, this is a fruitless exercise.
You're right.

My ex and I never went to mediation. It was a hostile divorce (like yours is becoming) and her snake of an attorney told her to stand her ground. That went on for almost two years until my ex spent about $20,000 on attorney fees and choked. Next thing I know is there is a different attorney at one of our hearings and we ended up settling within a month of that, very much to my satisfaction.

My advantage was that I was representing myself in court and doing a damned fine job of it so the ordeal didn't cost me but a fraction of what she was paying.

Any time a divorce attorney tells you to stand your ground, he's salivating over lots of billable hours for protracted litigation. Every time my ex's lawyer had to just read one of my lengthy and convoluted pleadings he charged her another $500 and that was 20 years ago. Probably would be triple that now.

What you have to do is pick the lesser of two evils. Settling with your wife based on what she wants (if you can afford it) or make your attorney happy while depositing your money in his bank account for a year or two. These days it's likely to cost you $30,000 to $40,000 in attorney fees while the attorneys fight it out in court and celebrate over lunch.

I may sound cynical about divorce attorneys but the first guy my ex hired was a rat and I had to go scorched earth to survive and survive I did, quite nicely, thank you very much.

:D
 
Last edited:

FlyingRon

Senior Member
Mediation can't force anything. It's a tool to help the parties come to a mutual agreement. It often fails.
 

FlyingRon

Senior Member
Mediation can't force anything. It's a tool to help the parties come to a mutual agreement. It often fails.
 

JAVGAG

Junior Member
This belongs in your previous thread: we prefer to have all of the information in one thread.

Also, we won't second-guess your attorney. If you don't trust him, fire him.
How did you get that out of my question?

Look, people like me come to places like this to learn.
If you can't offer any real advice, why don't you simply not respond at all?

Simple question
"does mediation work when the divorce is contested"

Answer the question as best as you can or move along.

Cripes.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
How did you get that out of my question?

Look, people like me come to places like this to learn.
If you can't offer any real advice, why don't you simply not respond at all?

Simple question
"does mediation work when the divorce is contested"

Answer the question as best as you can or move along.

Cripes.
Mediation can succeed or fail in any divorce, whether contested or not. Whether or not mediation can succeed depends a great deal on the personalities of the people who are attempting to mediate.

Therefore there is no yes or no answer to your question.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
It would seem that you don't understand the fundamental principles of negotiation, which is what mediation essentially is. You ALWAYS ask for more than you want, to give yourself something to give up. Your stbx seems to understand this.

And..... given the length of the marriage? She may well be awarded sizeable - and permanent/non-modifiable - spousal support. Much depends on information you didn't provide.

Given your attitude to the volunteers here? I suggest you pay your attorney to answer your questions.
 

Bali Hai

Senior Member
How did you get that out of my question?

Look, people like me come to places like this to learn.
If you can't offer any real advice, why don't you simply not respond at all?

Simple question
"does mediation work when the divorce is contested"

Answer the question as best as you can or move along.

Cripes.
My gut feeling is that in your case from what you have described thus far, mediation will be a waste of time. If she wasn't willing to mediate before, what has currently changed? Her lawyer and probably her mother and divorced friends have told her she can get the moon, so why would she mediate?
 

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