Spousal Support during Separation

[Justice???]

Full circle summary. I hope this will help you see much more than the speck in his eye.

You can win, shame him, and hold tight to your pride. I did. Only to find that pride wasn't the prize I thought it to be. In my situation, the exaggerations were custom fit to rationalize actions.

im4truth wrote, "I can assure you I wish to follow The Word, so what is a wife to do in that situation?"

I can assure you the Bible is very clear on that. You should continue your Biblical counseling if that is your wish.

You sound like a very kind person. I'm only trying to get you to look inward. Many (vast majority) would say you have a pretty nice ride.

im4truth wrote, "But because of continued mistreatment by him over the years (25 now)" im4truth later wrote, "the destructive behavior has not been continuous for 25 years

im4truth wrote, "The many tasks we perform and hats we wear often go unnoticed and unappreciated. It is a thankless job."

He's probably thinking the same thing. But please remember, that many (most) parents do these many tasks while holding down a full time job to support themselves.

I hope this will help ---- I have not seen one positive thing said about him in your posts. I bet there are some, probably many. Don't get caught in the rut of dwelling only on the negatives. Don't you think he has already sensed that? Bitterness is the poison you give yourself, hoping the other person will get sick. Don't think that he is off the hook for his bad behavior. But, I would bet his posts would look similar to yours

im4truth wrote, "there's nothing healthy about living with a spouse who devalues the other and never owns it -- never comes to ask forgiveness or acknowledge a destructive pattern."

Honestly???? Have we seen any of that here?

im4truth wrote, "how do I know that adultery isn't occurring as well?"

The same way he does. I don't think you believe that is a possibility. But, it looks good in your justification.

Factual? Speculation?

im4truth wrote, "That is why we need to be sure we are walking in the truth (factual observations) rather than according to feelings, emotions and contrived speculations."

But staying inside that broken environment and giving an appearance to our children that all is OK I venture to say is possibly more damaging in the long run than taking a time of separation to live the truth out before them.

The word you acknowledge you wish to live by (and are policing him to live by) is very, very clear on what is in your best interest in this situation. Love not, by word nor tongue, but in deed and in truth.

It may be helpful if you acknowledge the same standard you wish to hold him to. He is accountable for himself and will not fool many. You have your own journey and witness to consider and be accountable for.

dogmatique wrote, "Re #3. You'd generally be expected to support yourself, too. I realize that you don't want to disrupt kiddo's schedule at the moment but what you want and what you need to do might be two entirely different animals."

Great words of wisdom from dogmatique. You have many options, please seek good counseling before traveling in very dangerous waters. Please forgive my passion regarding the situation you find yourself in, I only wish someone could have shaken me.

I wish you and your family the very best. I think your challenge, is really a great opportunity for you and your family.

[i.m4Truth]

Please forgive my passion regarding the situation you find yourself in, I only wish someone could have shaken me.

With all respect and desire to speak the truth in love here, Justice, it appears someone did. You frequently choose to distort and misuse my words. These are signs of someone who is still struggling with relational/communication issues. It is not nice to twist other's words in order to prove a point. Please consider what you are doing. Here is an example of how you are misusing words and inflaming issues:

To my quote: "There's nothing healthy about living with a spouse who devalues the other and never owns it -- never comes to ask forgiveness or acknowledge a destructive pattern."

You write:

Honestly???? Have we seen any of that here?

Are you supposed to see it here? Since this is not a court of law, I did not know that I was in need of proving my situation to folks. Justice, again with all love and respect, it is becoming pretty clear that even if I were to provide tons of concrete evidence to you, it would not likely be enough to meet your satisfaction. As I understand it, the way to approach reading and responding to posts on this forum is through a format of acceptance of the poster's word as it is given. Obviously, I am either lying my head off or I am telling the truth. It is not beneficial to focus time on judging whether or not I am telling the truth, but rather to spend time providing advice based on the hypothetical acceptance that what I say IS true. In other words you as a reader should hypothetically accept it as fact that my husband B]IS[/b] one who is emotionally destructive and does not seek forgiveness through confession and repentence, does not acknowledge or take ownership of hurtful actions, but instead acts coldly as if nothing happened and demands forgiveness saying things like, "You have to overlook my faults and move on!"

Operating from a standpoint of acceptance that this is true, you would then provide your reply along the lines of something like, "If _____ is true, THEN... abcdefg (your helpful advice)..." "If dishonesty IS really a pattern in your marriage, THEN... abcdefg..." If secrecy IS really is a pattern in your marriage, THEN....abcdefg...." "If porn IS really is a pattern, THEN... abcdefg...." etc. etc.

It was helpful when you referred to Dogmatiques response about work. His advice was good. (Although my working has never really been as big an issue as it appears to have been seen. I have always planned to seek a way to generate income. My question in that regard was only seeking to understand both my and my husband's responsibilities on the matter). Over the last couple of weeks since this thread was started, I have been inspired with a couple of creative ways to draw an adequate income. It would be my desire to not have to draw any spousal support at all if I can keep from it, and the thing I am looking into looks like this may be highly possible (as well as the ability to continue homeschooling).


It is always my desire to find agreement whenever possible rather than focus only on areas of differing views, so here is another thing I can wholeheartily agree with you on:

You have your own journey and witness to consider and be accountable for.

Absolutely. That is primary in my thoughts. Justice, I'm praying God's blessings upon you.

[Justice???]

To my quote: "There's nothing healthy about living with im4truth who devalues her spouse and never owns it -- never comes to ask forgiveness or acknowledge a destructive pattern."

You write:
Quote:
Honestly???? Have we seen any of that here?

Please forgive me that I wasn't clearer on this. I'm not at all questioning your integrity, I think I've been very clear that I trust in you and your ability to do what is right. Only providing a reminder that it is sometimes helpful to look inward. With all due respect, you've beat your childrens father and husband of 25 years, who fathered 3 children over a considerable number of those years, in a very destructive way, regardless if he deserves all of it or not.

There is no value or desire in distorting words or proving points, that is why I used your words. As in my situation, all the reasons will most likely be soon forgotten and hopefully forgiven, so how you got here is pretty irrelevant.

I have a little experience I'm willing to share, I just want you to have all available information to make an informed decision that will be best for you and will most likely be life changing for you and your family. My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Proserpina]

OP has shown both grace and dignity throughout this thread. Going through divorce and it's associated trauma is incredibly difficult, often heart-breaking and emotionally devastating, even when it is truly the best choice. It's not too often that someone can experience this and still retain both grace and dignity.

I can't say (and none of us can) that OP will make the most beneficial decisions for her situation but I can say that whatever happens it will only be done after very careful and honest introspection. That seems to be something sadly uncommon these days, and though I might not agree with certain sentiments and/or beliefs, OP really does appear to be trying to do the best thing for everyone - and for the long term.

Go in peace, OP, and good luck whatever you decide to do!

<==== is a she, btw, but that ain't important

[i.m4Truth]

<==== is a she, btw, but that ain't important

Sorry, Dogmatique. I've struggled to know the gender of both you and Justice.
Thanks for your encouraging words. I will make no rash decisions. The plan for now is to start getting involved in this work situation for a few months and see how it goes, continue to give opportunity for my husband to show sincere interest in reconciliation and desire to return to counseling with me, and if he doesn't, then I will meet with an attorney about the best approach to a separation agreement (not divorce)

Blessings to all of you who have offerred information and help.