Stopping alimony when child support is in arrears

[BONILLAK]

What is the name of your state? NJ

Hello. My name is Kathy, I'm divorced and have 3 children. Our relationship started when I was 16, had our first child when I was 18, got married and had 2 more children. We had an 18 year relationship of which 12 yrs we were married. I was always a stay at home mom. I did graduate high school and obtained a secretarial degree back in 1991. When we seperated in Sept 05 it took until July 06 for the divorce to be final. I was awarded child support and long term alimony in the amount of $296 per wk. I thought this was a lot as the ex only just made enough for us to get by but not enough for 2 households. Personally I think the ex got hammered due to getting caught repeatedly lying to the judge, failure to appear in court, not contacting or visiting the kids, etc. He was at one time the picture perfect husband who then got caught up in an affair in which was caught by the girlfriends husband. needless to say they divorced, we divorced, etc. To make this short after he was oredered to pay this and all divorces were final he quit his job of 19 years and left state for South Carolina. He left NJ in April 2007, never paying support again. As soon as I knew we were parting ways I got a CDL so I could drive a school bus. It was the quickest thing that came to mind to avoid childcare costs yet still make some income. I did this for a year before landing a better job with my local police department and now recently getting remarried. Since the ex left we have heard from him via telephone 3 times. He now owes me almost 9k(and a few hundred in medical expenses) in support and refuses to pay. I'm taking proper action to try and collect. My question is this....our oldest son just turned 18 and I want him emancipated(other children are 11 and 5). Is emancipation my job with the courts or the ex's? The alimony and child support was based on his NJ income at the time and my school bus driving pay. The alimony was set at "$100 per week and will be reviewed when the youngest child reaches the age of 13 years old" I think now that I make better money and now have gotten remarried it is time to end the alimony and have the oldest emancipated. Question here being can i do this with the ex being in arrears? Will he have to appear in court? he refuses to do anything just tells me to handle it but yet refuses to pay support. He doesn't see or rarely speaks to the kids and sends back all mail to probabtion, etc. Basically living as a dead beat but I also feel its not fair to still have the alimony in place when i'm married. I always thought alimony ceased upon remarriage but apparently that wasn't the case in my situation due to final divorce wording. Any advice on how to proceed without the ex's cooperation is appreciated. Thanks

[fairisfair]

you are for real, right???

is he only in arrears on the alimony or on the child support as well?

Is any of the monies assigned to the state for benefits you may have received?

are you wanting to forgive the arrears?

or merely discontinue the child support for your oldest child?

does that child still live at home or is he self supporting? Has he graduated from high school yet?

[BONILLAK]

The oldest turned 18 in Sept, done with high school and has a good paying job with many years of opportunity ahead of him(basically, he stepped into "you know what" LOL), the ex is behind in child support and alimony. I'm kinda looking at it as if maybe if payments are lowered he will pay something. As something would be better than the nothing i currently get. My new husband has the kids covered on medical insurance in which the ex should also be reimbursing him for the monthly costs as per our final divorce agreement but he doesn't. I would love for there to be peace. Our 11 yr old misses her father and I want them to have a relationship and as long as he is on the run it won't really happen. Our oldest was 16 when we split and wants nothing to do with his father and our little one was so young he doesn't remember him well. He only calls at his from payphones which I call back so he doesn't use up his calling card. The kids have talked to him 3 times since march(just being in the past 6wks). Yes, i'm an idiot but our daughter just loved him so much and was the most hurt from our divorce so i'm trying everything to get him to pay something. His last months here in NJ he never appeared in court so there is a bench warrant for him but even with the support arrears there is no support warrant because he left state for SC. I think he is kinda scared at the moment because SC is now involved and sent him papers from there also. He has a pending workmans comp case here in NJ that he now won't settle either because I would get all of it. I was awared half of that in our divorce as settlement and now that he owes so much in support there would be none left for him so he won't be cooperating next month on settling that! I'm trying to bend over backwards to make everyone happy.

[LdiJ]

I understand that your children are hurt...however, you aren't helping them or your ex by trying to make some of his problems go away for him. Its not going to change things or make him a more active parent....nor is he going to pay anything either.

Let him handle his own issues.

[BONILLAK]

Thank you. I know I'm trying to be nice, maybe too nice and i'm hoping for cooperation on his part but I guess I'm wrong. If i don't emancipate our oldest or drop alimony due to new marriage or new work could i ever be in trouble? My final judgement of divorce is sitting right here and does state alimony in the amount of $100 per week will be re-evalated when the youngest child turns 13 years old". The papers say nothing of remarriage but recently someone told me that it was law that alimony ceases at remarriage and that if my oldest is "self sufficient" he needs to be emancipated. I just want to be sure i do everything correctly even if he isn't.

[fairisfair]

Originally Posted by BONILLAK

Thank you. I know I'm trying to be nice, maybe too nice and i'm hoping for cooperation on his part but I guess I'm wrong. If i don't emancipate our oldest or drop alimony due to new marriage or new work could i ever be in trouble? My final judgement of divorce is sitting right here and does state alimony in the amount of $100 per week will be re-evalated when the youngest child turns 13 years old". The papers say nothing of remarriage but recently someone told me that it was law that alimony ceases at remarriage and that if my oldest is "self sufficient" he needs to be emancipated. I just want to be sure i do everything correctly even if he isn't.

You need to get your child support order out and READ it, word for word. It is quite possible that your child support doesn't even change with the emancipation of your oldest child. Somehow I think that if it did, Superdad would have been all over it by now. Obviously, as you have already read, the alimony does not cease at remarriage. Generally speaking, yes it does cease at remarriage, but you said that the wording your decree is different. That rules.

I know you are trying to do what you think is best for your children. I have news for you though rotten parents generally remain rotten parents, no matter how easy you make it for them.

[BONILLAK]

Thanks fairisfair. BTW, I'm not looking to forgive his arrears. I'm looking for that still and current and future support for the other 2 kids. I guess I have to leave it up to him. He was telling me that i have to do this with alimony and emancipation because he is out of state and that the papers all need to be filed where we divorced(I still live here). I have never pulled anything sneaky on him and am still nice by letting him speak to the kids even though his visitation was suspeneded until he appears in court in NJ. Was suspended due to his lack of court appearance, bench warrant and then skipping state, quitting job, nasty phone calls to the judges chambers over money, etc the judge thought revoking visitation would get him into court but nope. i guess i will never understand how a man can be a great father for 16 yrs and then just change so suddenly and not care...

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by BONILLAK

Thanks fairisfair. BTW, I'm not looking to forgive his arrears. I'm looking for that still and current and future support for the other 2 kids. I guess I have to leave it up to him. He was telling me that i have to do this with alimony and emancipation because he is out of state and that the papers all need to be filed where we divorced(I still live here). I have never pulled anything sneaky on him and am still nice by letting him speak to the kids even though his visitation was suspeneded until he appears in court in NJ. Was suspended due to his lack of court appearance, bench warrant and then skipping state, quitting job, nasty phone calls to the judges chambers over money, etc the judge thought revoking visitation would get him into court but nope. i guess i will never understand how a man can be a great father for 16 yrs and then just change so suddenly and not care...

No, he is trying to con you into doing it for him, so that he won't have to return and face the music. Based on this post, you absolutely should not do anything for him. He needs to return and deal with his legal problems.

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Emancipating the oldest would probably trigger a child support review. That the amount would go down is questionable. If people's income have gone up since the last review, the movement might NOT be as great as either you or your X seem to think.

It's time for the X to grow up and face the music. He can have an attorney file his paperwork. you are NOT your X's personal assistant.

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by BONILLAK

Thanks fairisfair. BTW, I'm not looking to forgive his arrears. I'm looking for that still and current and future support for the other 2 kids. I guess I have to leave it up to him. He was telling me that i have to do this with alimony and emancipation because he is out of state and that the papers all need to be filed where we divorced(I still live here). I have never pulled anything sneaky on him and am still nice by letting him speak to the kids even though his visitation was suspeneded until he appears in court in NJ. Was suspended due to his lack of court appearance, bench warrant and then skipping state, quitting job, nasty phone calls to the judges chambers over money, etc the judge thought revoking visitation would get him into court but nope. i guess i will never understand how a man can be a great father for 16 yrs and then just change so suddenly and not care...

YOU have a responsibility to let child support know when the child is emancipated under the law. If you do not and your ex makes a stink about it, you could be in trouble. You have duties as the obligee to also inform CSEA of changes that affect child support. And the child reaching 18 and being out of high school is most likely one of those changes.

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by BONILLAK

Thanks fairisfair. BTW, I'm not looking to forgive his arrears. I'm looking for that still and current and future support for the other 2 kids. I guess I have to leave it up to him. He was telling me that i have to do this with alimony and emancipation because he is out of state and that the papers all need to be filed where we divorced(I still live here). I have never pulled anything sneaky on him and am still nice by letting him speak to the kids even though his visitation was suspeneded until he appears in court in NJ. Was suspended due to his lack of court appearance, bench warrant and then skipping state, quitting job, nasty phone calls to the judges chambers over money, etc the judge thought revoking visitation would get him into court but nope. i guess i will never understand how a man can be a great father for 16 yrs and then just change so suddenly and not care...

Look in the mirror, review your states matrimonial laws and open your eyes to the way men are treated in divorce court and you'll find the answer to that question!

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Bali Hai

Look in the mirror, review your states matrimonial laws and open your eyes to the way men are treated in divorce court and you'll find the answer to that question!

Complete and total BS Bali. He is not supporting his children to the point where there is a warrant out for his arrest. That isn't the system treating him badly, that's him being a total deadbeat.

If he was making even a marginal effort, and showing up for court, he wouldn't be in the position that he is in.

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

Complete and total BS Bali. He is not supporting his children to the point where there is a warrant out for his arrest. That isn't the system treating him badly, that's him being a total deadbeat.

If he was making even a marginal effort, and showing up for court, he wouldn't be in the position that he is in.

BONILLAK
Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 8

Stopping alimony when child support is in arrears
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the name of your state? NJ


Personally I think the ex got hammered

He was at one time the picture perfect husband

To make this short after he was oredered to pay this and all divorces were final he quit his job of 19 years and left state for South Carolina.


I think now that I make better money and now have gotten remarried it is time to end the alimony and have the

I also feel its not fair to still have the alimony in place when i'm married.[/b]

By OP's own discription of the facts, she even understands that the system screwed him over!

He's not going to play ball with this system because he knows it's rigged for him to LOSE!

[fairisfair]

Originally Posted by Bali Hai

BONILLAK
Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 8

Stopping alimony when child support is in arrears
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the name of your state? NJ


Personally I think the ex got hammered

He was at one time the picture perfect husband

To make this short after he was oredered to pay this and all divorces were final he quit his job of 19 years and left state for South Carolina.


I think now that I make better money and now have gotten remarried it is time to end the alimony and have the

I also feel its not fair to still have the alimony in place when i'm married.[/b]

By OP's own discription of the facts, she even understands that the system screwed him over!

He's not going to play ball with this system because he knows it's rigged for him to LOSE!

apparently you are reading a whole different story than the rest of us.

[fairisfair]

Originally Posted by Bali Hai

Look in the mirror, review your states matrimonial laws and open your eyes to the way men are treated in divorce court and you'll find the answer to that question!

Don't mind Bali, that is just his way of saying Merry Christmas!!! LOL