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  1. #1
    kristl waters is offline Junior Member
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    Question Can the domestic abuse victim violate the no contact order?

    What is the name of your state? Iowa

    My husband and I were having an arguement and my son came down stairs with a skate board tool as a weapon and said "If you touch my mother I'll kill you" to my husband. At that I time I told everyone that we all needed to take a time out, and told my son to go to his room, I went to my room and my husband stayed downstairs. About 10-15 minutes went by and all was quiet so I left my room to go downstairs to get a drink and just as I was walking out of my bedroom door, my husband was walking in.

    I saw that he had a knife in his hand so I said, "What the hell is that, what are you some kind of a phyco?" His response was that it was for his own protection. I instinctly went to the phone and called the police bcuz it threw me off guard and scared me.

    When the police arrived I told them that I wasn't physically assaulted but just freaked out bcuz there had been a previous incodent where he did put a knife to my throat, so I guess I just reacted bcuz of the prior incodent. He went to jail for Domestic Abuse and displaying a weapon.

    This happened on 11/23/05. About a month later I had not gotten any papers regarding the no contact order and me and my husband reconsiled and were trying to work things out, so he had been staying at the home by my request.

    Last week my husband got really drunk and was with a friend and had damaged his car out of anger and his friend brought him here. Well I wouldn't let him in the house bcuz I knew that he would continue the damaged on property in the home and the children were home. He was yelling and being disruptive outside and wouldn't leave. I told him to leave or I would call the police to have him removed from the property bcuz of his behaviour, but he continued so I call the police.

    I was sopeoned to go to court on his violation of the no contact order and it said it was to prove probable cause.

    Will I go to jail for violating the no contact order if I admit that I have had contact with him?

    The protective order wasn't signed by the judge until 1/5/06 & I just received it in the mail this last wed. but the incident happened on 11/23/06?
  2. #2
    bsokee is offline Member
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    I'm from OKlahoma & went through something similar. I had a temp. VPO & my man had to move out. About a week later, I started feeliing sorry for him, & because I am co-dependant & easily influenced by his persuasiveness, I said he could come by the house. Well, while I was away,he took it to mean he could remain forever, & later when we got into a big argument, I called the police & he was arrested for violation of P.O. Officers even tried to tell me he was lying in wait to kill me.(he had guns & knives on couch beside him) I tried to explain this was all wrong, but they had to arrest him. After a week in jail, he called & called & finally I answered & he persuaded me, ha, to drop the VPO & we'd get back together. I bailed him out, paid all fines, & went later to tell DA I wanted to drop VPO. Well, SHE said it was in the State's Hands & there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do or say to get this dismissed. Later, when it was our court date, I told the Judge it was all a big misunderstanding, you know, bs*** & he agreed we should try to reconcile & let me drop the order. Cost a few bucks, but I did it. So, let me give you some words of advice. Unless you are ready for your relationship to be truely over, don't call the police unless your life is threatened, because, here in OK, they take domestic violence very seriously, & it's a real challenge to get charges dropped. Lot's of constructive, but cold-harted criticism from the judge, DA, atty. ect. And, of course, my spouse blamed me for the whole mess. Hope it's easier for you. Good Luck!
    Last edited by bsokee; 01-18-2006 at 06:17 AM.
  3. #3
    bsokee is offline Member
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    I believe he's the one that goes because he is the abuser & you are the victim. You may get a big lecture from the court, & maybe be required to both seek counceling, or anger management, ect. But, if you were the abuser & your husband filed a PO on you, then you might? go to jail. I think domestic violence is harder to prove against women, but I've seen some mighty mean women whip up on their men on Jerry Springer!!!!!
  4. #4
    CdwJava is offline Senior Member
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    The only person that can violate the order is the person(s) named as the restrained party. If the restrained party allows himself to be sucked in to violate the order, then he (or she) needs a CAT scan.

    - Carl
    A Nor Cal Cop Sergeant

    "Make mine a double mocha ...
    And a croissant!"

    Seek justice,
    Love mercy,
    Walk humbly with your God

    -- Courageous, by Casting Crowns ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM
  5. #5
    outonbail is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kristl waters
    What is the name of your state? Iowa

    My husband and I were having an arguement and my son came down stairs with a skate board tool as a weapon and said "If you touch my mother I'll kill you" to my husband. At that I time I told everyone that we all needed to take a time out, and told my son to go to his room, I went to my room and my husband stayed downstairs. About 10-15 minutes went by and all was quiet so I left my room to go downstairs to get a drink and just as I was walking out of my bedroom door, my husband was walking in.

    I saw that he had a knife in his hand so I said, "What the hell is that, what are you some kind of a phyco?" His response was that it was for his own protection. I instinctly went to the phone and called the police bcuz it threw me off guard and scared me.

    When the police arrived I told them that I wasn't physically assaulted but just freaked out bcuz there had been a previous incodent where he did put a knife to my throat, so I guess I just reacted bcuz of the prior incodent. He went to jail for Domestic Abuse and displaying a weapon.

    This happened on 11/23/05. About a month later I had not gotten any papers regarding the no contact order and me and my husband reconsiled and were trying to work things out, so he had been staying at the home by my request.

    Last week my husband got really drunk and was with a friend and had damaged his car out of anger and his friend brought him here. Well I wouldn't let him in the house bcuz I knew that he would continue the damaged on property in the home and the children were home. He was yelling and being disruptive outside and wouldn't leave. I told him to leave or I would call the police to have him removed from the property bcuz of his behaviour, but he continued so I call the police.

    I was sopeoned to go to court on his violation of the no contact order and it said it was to prove probable cause.

    Will I go to jail for violating the no contact order if I admit that I have had contact with him?

    The protective order wasn't signed by the judge until 1/5/06 & I just received it in the mail this last wed. but the incident happened on 11/23/06?
    The court is not going to drop anything because you had contact with him. The police report and their testimony should be enough in itself to prove he was in violation of the order. They had to remove his drunk ass from the premises, where he wasn't supposed to be.

    Now as far as trying to reconcile. Have you read your own post? How could you even consider bringing this out of control alcoholic into a home with you and your children?
    Knives, violent behavior, destroying property? How any woman can be convinced they will suddenly change, by these con artists is beyond me. Ladies, you are not doctors, councilors or mental health experts, which is what these guys need to be evaluated and treated by.
    So stop fooling yourselves into believing anything’s ever going to change until they have received extensive treatment for their drinking and violent tendencies! Stop being codependents or you'll be sharing the blame for the harm that comes to yourselves and your children!

    If their worth reconciling with, then give them a year or so in treatment so they actually have the chance to see themselves and what their doing to everyone around them. This doesn't happen in days, weeks or months. It can take years and some will never learn!

    If you feel you need to be abused, go bang your own head on the wall, at least you can stop when you've had enough!
  6. #6
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kristl waters
    What is the name of your state? Iowa

    My husband and I were having an arguement and my son came down stairs with a skate board tool as a weapon and said "If you touch my mother I'll kill you" to my husband. At that I time I told everyone that we all needed to take a time out, and told my son to go to his room, I went to my room and my husband stayed downstairs. About 10-15 minutes went by and all was quiet so I left my room to go downstairs to get a drink and just as I was walking out of my bedroom door, my husband was walking in.

    I saw that he had a knife in his hand so I said, "What the hell is that, what are you some kind of a phyco?" His response was that it was for his own protection. I instinctly went to the phone and called the police bcuz it threw me off guard and scared me.

    When the police arrived I told them that I wasn't physically assaulted but just freaked out bcuz there had been a previous incodent where he did put a knife to my throat, so I guess I just reacted bcuz of the prior incodent. He went to jail for Domestic Abuse and displaying a weapon.

    This happened on 11/23/05. About a month later I had not gotten any papers regarding the no contact order and me and my husband reconsiled and were trying to work things out, so he had been staying at the home by my request.

    Last week my husband got really drunk and was with a friend and had damaged his car out of anger and his friend brought him here. Well I wouldn't let him in the house bcuz I knew that he would continue the damaged on property in the home and the children were home. He was yelling and being disruptive outside and wouldn't leave. I told him to leave or I would call the police to have him removed from the property bcuz of his behaviour, but he continued so I call the police.

    I was sopeoned to go to court on his violation of the no contact order and it said it was to prove probable cause.

    Will I go to jail for violating the no contact order if I admit that I have had contact with him?

    The protective order wasn't signed by the judge until 1/5/06 & I just received it in the mail this last wed. but the incident happened on 11/23/06?

    Okay...You have received all the legal answers...Now for some advice from someone who's been there....The thing you need to ask yourself ....How long do you want to live like this?? More importantly...How long do you want to MAKE your CHILDREN live like this? The fact the your son felt the need to have a weapon ready to try to protect you from your husband says it all....What if your son and husband "got into it" and your son was hurt or killed?

    Try this...Have no contact with your husband, FOR ANY REASON, for 4 months and during that time go to counseling. Have your children go to counseling also...this is very important so that they don't repeat this cycle of behavior in their own relationships.

    At the end of the 4 months I think you will have a clear head so that you can make rational decisions regarding your "relationship" with your husband.


    Please call this number...they will advise you how to get help for you and your children...they will also just listen if you need to talk...

    [url]http://www.icadv.org/Default.htm[/url]

    Good luck ....and remember! There is a whole world out there that is normal...People that go home and don't have to wonder what's going to happen to them when they walk throught the door!! You can have that...your kids can have that...Piece and Quiet...Perdictability...these thing are wonderful!!

    Bay
  7. #7
    bsokee is offline Member
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    Smile To Carl & Bay

    Both of you are so very correct. I know, cause I've been told by law enforcement, psycholists, & u name it, friends & family. The problem is me. I know I have a problem. But I will tell you both this: I would rather have physical abuse rather than the mental abuse that I was subjected to over a long period of time. & when you are so scared & confused on trying to get out of a situation such as this, at the time, it becomes a difficult task to think rationally. Luckily, I had just enough courage left to get out, without any violence, whick I know was coming next, & now am living without the threat of being mentally manipulated. And, ya know, I'm closer to those friends & family members that I had totally pushed away. I appreciate your comments & advice, and I thank you both.
  8. #8
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bsokee
    Both of you are so very correct. I know, cause I've been told by law enforcement, psycholists, & u name it, friends & family. The problem is me. I know I have a problem. But I will tell you both this: I would rather have physical abuse rather than the mental abuse that I was subjected to over a long period of time. & when you are so scared & confused on trying to get out of a situation such as this, at the time, it becomes a difficult task to think rationally. Luckily, I had just enough courage left to get out, without any violence, whick I know was coming next, & now am living without the threat of being mentally manipulated. And, ya know, I'm closer to those friends & family members that I had totally pushed away. I appreciate your comments & advice, and I thank you both.

    My ex was both physically and emotionally abusive....pain goes away but the affects of the emotional abuse lasts a lot longer...perhaps forever, although I hope that isn't so!
    When we are in that kind of situation our "fight or flight" instinct kicks in ...and when we ignore it...we have adrenalin pumping into our brain yelling at us to run...and when we STILL ignor it, we end up with so much adrenalin that it will interfere with our thought process. It takes time once we leave our abusers for our brains to work properly again....I think that is why "normal" people don't understand why we keep going back to the abusers...its not that we enjoy being struck or belittled...we just can't think rationally!
    Adrenalin tastes kinda like copper...metalic..If you are in a situation and have that taste in your mouth...RUN!

    I'm glad you are out of your abusive situation ...Good luck!

    Bay
  9. #9
    bsokee is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by baystategirl
    My ex was both physically and emotionally abusive....pain goes away but the affects of the emotional abuse lasts a lot longer...perhaps forever, although I hope that isn't so!
    When we are in that kind of situation our "fight or flight" instinct kicks in ...and when we ignore it...we have adrenalin pumping into our brain yelling at us to run...and when we STILL ignor it, we end up with so much adrenalin that it will interfere with our thought process. It takes time once we leave our abusers for our brains to work properly again....I think that is why "normal" people don't understand why we keep going back to the abusers...its not that we enjoy being struck or belittled...we just can't think rationally!
    Adrenalin tastes kinda like copper...metalic..If you are in a situation and have that taste in your mouth...RUN!

    I'm glad you are out of your abusive situation ...Good luck



    Bay
    Then you really, really know who difficult this can be. It's so hard to explain to others why we continue to stay or even take them back. I'm still suffering the effects of my situation: Extreme Anxiety w/panic attacks & hyperventilation, & Post Traumatic SD. When I recently had a minor accident in my SUV (1st acc. ever, & I wasn't hurt, nor my SUV( just some surface damage) it kicked in my PTSD & I had to go back to my psyc. So, like you said, the overall effects of an abusive relationship may cause problems forever.
    Something that may seem minor to normal people, but to us, is frightening, can really effect our ability to cope with even the simplest of things. I, like you stated, may carry these disorders forever. Maybe someday, someone or something will help me see the light! Thanks for sharing your story, Baystate. I have much more respect for you, & congrats on you new status.

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