Time to report for assault/domestic violence?

[Kungpaoshizi]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Iowa, Jones County


Long story short, my friend who has a "bear" of a ex, who just moved out, has been beating her for quite awhile... Happened again before he moved out in the last week, she waited a few days before calling the cops, has bruises, and the house has 4 or 5 holes in the wall including one that goes through an inch of concrete..she's 4'11" and he's 6'3" 250lbs. The police said they 'really couldn't pursue him' because it didn't happen today..had her call the local non-profit and setup an appointment.. heh

Basically he beat her, took the kids and left to another county in Iowa..they're not married but at the time of that happening she did call the police and they told her <insert civil hoopla response here that they can't do anything>.....

Advice? Please

 

[davew128]

What do you think should happen? The police didn't witness a crime, nor did your friend make a complaint in a timely manner so that physical evidence of abuse proximate to the alleged crime could be collected. As for the holes in the wall and their relative sizes, sorry, no dice. I know a couple similar in size to your friends, and it was the girl who put the hole in the wall. One doesn't need their fists to do it, only a solid blunt object...

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Iowa, Jones County


Long story short, my friend who has a "bear" of a ex, who just moved out, has been beating her for quite awhile... Happened again before he moved out in the last week, she waited a few days before calling the cops, has bruises, and the house has 4 or 5 holes in the wall including one that goes through an inch of concrete..she's 4'11" and he's 6'3" 250lbs. The police said they 'really couldn't pursue him' because it didn't happen today..had her call the local non-profit and setup an appointment.. heh

Basically he beat her, took the kids and left to another county in Iowa..they're not married but at the time of that happening she did call the police and they told her <insert civil hoopla response here that they can't do anything>.....

Advice? Please

My advice is for the friend to log in under her own user name and ask her own questions. Absolutely no offense intended to you, but she really needs to deal with her self. Well meaning friends can cause problems.

Blue

 

[Kungpaoshizi]

DaveW-
I understand what you're saying, but I could actually prove, that in this particular incidence, via calculations and the laws of physics, she could not physically have caused the amount of pressure needed to damage the concrete wall behind the wooden wall. I do see what you're saying though, in this instance it does not apply..

Blue-
I am the reason she called the police, I have pushed her to move forward because I feel inclined to report all of this to child services because of the degree of violence in front of the children, which in fact, is child abuse in the Iowa courts, let alone morally sickening.. I felt that she deserved to know I felt this way and she agreed. She was actually the victim of an attempted murder in which her previous boyfriend tried to stab her to kill the pregnancy. (she's scared) I do agree with what you're saying, but I could ask in turn, if you saw such violence happening in a home around children you would do nothing? I don't doubt you would have a moral dilema yourself... I'm in the position that I ran into an old friend only to find out she's been "stomped down" by some of the worst men and she is now scared to do anything to anger said "bear" for fear of losing the kids or being beat.

If anyone has some tangible help as I requested, it would be appreciated, greatly. I mean no disrespect to you two that have posted, but in reality, I didn't want to have to post this but this woman who has turned her life around is in a complex situation that deserves attention and this is just one simple way I can help since she is so scared, and unknowledgeable in the ways of the courts.

 

[xylene]

Your friend's history of relationships with abusers, and the reasons she seeks them out and becomes entangled in them will not be changed by anything you do.

Encoruage your friend to seek professional counseling.

You may need to back off, however well meaning your actions may seem to you.

ADD: If you personally are aware of child abuse or neglect- by all means report it.

 

[Kungpaoshizi]

Your friend's history of relationships with abusers, and the reasons she seeks them out and becomes entangled in them will not be changed by anything you do.

Encoruage your friend to seek professional counseling.

You may need to back off, however well meaning your actions may seem to you.

ADD: If you personally are aware of child abuse or neglect- by all means report it.

I agree with the counseling, but to say that she 'seeks them out' is rather bold. Are you saying EVERY relationship you have been in included forseeable outcomes?
And she is actually reporting it, I gave her that option because it would do her good.

But if I were to tell her to 'get counseling' and pretend that I can't make a difference in the world, yes, I wouldn't allow her a chance to report it.

 

[Just Blue]

DaveW-
I understand what you're saying, but I could actually prove, that in this particular incidence, via calculations and the laws of physics, she could not physically have caused the amount of pressure needed to damage the concrete wall behind the wooden wall. I do see what you're saying though, in this instance it does not apply..

Blue-
I am the reason she called the police, I have pushed her to move forward because I feel inclined to report all of this to child services because of the degree of violence in front of the children, which in fact, is child abuse in the Iowa courts, let alone morally sickening.. I felt that she deserved to know I felt this way and she agreed. She was actually the victim of an attempted murder in which her previous boyfriend tried to stab her to kill the pregnancy. (she's scared) I do agree with what you're saying, but I could ask in turn, if you saw such violence happening in a home around children you would do nothing? I don't doubt you would have a moral dilema yourself... I'm in the position that I ran into an old friend only to find out she's been "stomped down" by some of the worst men and she is now scared to do anything to anger said "bear" for fear of losing the kids or being beat.

If anyone has some tangible help as I requested, it would be appreciated, greatly. I mean no disrespect to you two that have posted, but in reality, I didn't want to have to post this but this woman who has turned her life around is in a complex situation that deserves attention and this is just one simple way I can help since she is so scared, and unknowledgeable in the ways of the courts.

If I saw children being exposed to such violence by a woman that has a history of being with abusers? I would call CPS. You are correct that it IS child abuse. By the the mother, father and boyfriend. It WILL continue until mother deals with HER issues. Do not assist mother in a way that will allow her to continue this destructive cycle.

 

[Kungpaoshizi]

If I saw children being exposed to such violence by a woman that has a history of being with abusers? I would call CPS. You are correct that it IS child abuse. By the the mother, father and boyfriend. It WILL continue until mother deals with HER issues. Do not assist mother in a way that will allow her to continue this destructive cycle.

I agree completely. That's why I'm glad she's not continuing the cycle. She's called the police and reported the assault, she's allowed other people to see the truth she's been too scared to admit for fear of her and the childrens safety, she's let me help her initiate all of this because I can tell she has been completely demoralized and nobody else is telling her anything than 'hang in there'. She's also putting her children before her own needs because I have indeed informed her that CPS could very well in fact take the children for short term, or long term, but which is better for the kids, elsewhere or there?
We're talking violence, drugs, kkk members, and all of it was very well hidden from her sight until after children were brought into the picture.
I might have to agree that she may in fact be a bit slow to see people for who they really are, or quick to jump into things, but that does not make her any less of a person or any less of a concerned mother who has been through trajic circumstances and has obviously been emotionally beat down and controlled for some time. And come back to realize she has a family and the world is what you make of it.

She has my respect, and that is hard to get.

But to my OP, is there anything that can be done about the assaults? I wasn't aware of a limitation on time to report..

 

[Antigone*]

Anyone could have given her those bruises, in fact even you could have done it.

 

[xylene]

I agree with the counseling, but to say that she 'seeks them out' is rather bold. Are you saying EVERY relationship you have been in included forseeable outcomes?
And she is actually reporting it, I gave her that option because it would do her good.

But if I were to tell her to 'get counseling' and pretend that I can't make a difference in the world, yes, I wouldn't allow her a chance to report it.

You are playing the paladin, and it WON'T work.

You are a hair's breadth to becoming another toxic person in the life of your 'friend', if you aren't already.

 

[Kungpaoshizi]

You are playing the paladin, and it WON'T work.

You are a hair's breadth to becoming another toxic person in the life of your 'friend', if you aren't already.

I am playing no role. I see a crappy situation and someone scared to do something about it.
Along with the previous remark, I'm pretty sure you're fine examples of her "other" friends.

You refer to me as toxic, but from what I can see in this post, I'm willing to do something for another human being, you can't even take a forum post seriously and provide positive assistance.

I would say I'm surprised... but not really

 

[xylene]

I am playing no role. I see a crappy situation and someone scared to do something about it.
Along with the previous remark, I'm pretty sure you're fine examples of her "other" friends.

You refer to me as toxic, but from what I can see in this post, I'm willing to do something for another human being, you can't even take a forum post seriously and provide positive assistance.

I would say I'm surprised... but not really

If someone is drowning in a puddle, I pull them up.

If they insist on sleeping in ditches, that is the end of what I can do.

I hope you understand.

 

[Kungpaoshizi]

If someone is drowning in a puddle, I pull them up.

If they insist on sleeping in ditches, that is the end of what I can do.

I hope you understand.

There are people out there who need more of a push, than a pull. If that's more than what you're willing to do, I am glad you're not my friend, and everyone has problems in their life of varying degrees, many are in fact too polite to question people like you.

 

[xylene]

There are people out there who need more of a push, than a pull. If that's more than what you're willing to do, I am glad you're not my friend, and everyone has problems in their life of varying degrees, many are in fact too polite to question people like you.

http://www.valueoptions.com/suicide_prev/html%20pages/Domestic%20Violence%20Healing%20the%20Wounds.htm

Your friend is perpetuating a cycle of abuse.

It may be painful for you to watch, but the cycle is hers to break.

I assure you I care very much for your friend, enough to demand she act for her own self to break the cycle.

I hope for the best possible outcome, but know she must do that.

 

[Kungpaoshizi]

http://www.valueoptions.com/suicide_prev/html%20pages/Domestic%20Violence%20Healing%20the%20Wounds.htm

Your friend is perpetuating a cycle of abuse.

It may be painful for you to watch, but the cycle is hers to break.

I assure you I care very much for your friend, enough to demand she act for her own self to break the cycle.

I hope for the best possible outcome, but know she must do that.

See that's what I'm talking about, thank you. Seriously. It's just a link, but it's the action that makes the difference.

And for the record, I haven't told her 'unless you do, I will', and I have also told her the entire way she is the only one who can change her life, she's in charge of it and I can't do it for her. Also things like 'I can see you've been beat down, but you need to stop making excuses for the bad behavior'... I'm not unfamiliar with principles of psychology, and I do, even to her face, maintain that I cannot do these things for her..
So she really has initiated this, but I could tell, she just needed a little bit of reassurance from someone. She definately does not receive more than a one line sentence from others that rests in a passive direction to be positive. And that I find to be the norm because people don't usually like to give people a chance to see a different perspective. I know some people may require long-term counseling for various issues/problems, some people just don't ever realize some things because nobody ever brought it to their attention.

Even recently slashdot had an article titled 'why smart people are stupid'. It talked of a study that addressed how the self-analysis of ones self cannot always include that which they do subconciously. This of course is a discussion for another time, but you can imagine how this could apply to many situations and many circumstances even for the 'non-smart', and the resulting actions one makes in their life.