10 yr old doesn't want to see her father

[jjanae]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Minnesota
My ex-husband has lived in the same town as us for most of my daughter's life, but only calls and wants to see her 2 to 3 times per year. She feels as though he is a stranger and no longer wants to see him. He told me today that I have to force her to go with him. This makes me very uncomfortable for two reasons: 1. We are trying to teach her to have more of a spine and stand up for herself. If I force her to see him I am telling her she doesn't have a voice of her own. 2. His father and grandfather were both convicted for molesting their daughters, and the reason I divorced him is because he went off the deep end sexually. I fear he may try something on his own daughter as well.
I explained to him that he needs to just call her more often and work with her, that she might just be angry with him. If we force her to see him she will only resent him more. She has confided in my fiancee, her school counselor, her grandparents, and myself that he is a stranger to her and she feels extremely uncomfortable with him. Does she have any rights? Why would it be legal to force my child to spend time with someone she is afraid of? My job is to protect her and teach her to speak up for herself. If my talk with him today doesn't sink in and teach him anything (after 10 years nothing has so far) - what can I do?? I apologize for the length, I just wanted to include some background in hopes of getting the most effective advice.

 

[lisagr33]

If there is a

court order for his visitation then you have to send her. You nor your daughter has the right to decide whether or not she goes. You have to have her available for his visitation time, every time. Would you allow your daughter to decide whether or not she goes to school? BTW, visitation is not an obligation, it is a right. He doesn't have to see her when it is his turn but when he does want to see on his visitation time, she has to go. Many senior members will tell you that.

 

[scaredandalone]

daughter has to go untill shes 18

children dont get to make those kind of decisions. if she doesnt go, dad can take you to court for contempt, and could possibly win custody down the road if your daughter continues to refuse to see him when its his time. when she is 18, she can decide not to see him, untill then, she has no say in the matter, im sorry.

 

[jjanae]

How terrible, that she has no say in anything. She is to be treated like a slave. I feel that it's unfortunate that they don't have a better relationship, but if he insists on forcing her to see him (less than 3 times a year - when HE feels up to it), then I guess he will be damaging his relationship with her further. So there is nothing I can do but watch him dig his own grave, and tell my daughter that no matter how uncomfortable she is with this stranger she has to be alone with him.
He has NEVER followed the visitation as outlined by the court when we were divorced, but I haven't pushed that because I'm afraid he will want her every other weekend (and he doesn't even have anywhere to live - he "crashes" with drinking buddies).
Well, if she wants to tell him no again when he calls today I guess she can try. We will see what the two of them work out first I guess.
I'm shocked that children don't have more rights in a situation like this!
Thank you for your reply, I was afraid that would be the answer - but had to find out anyway. Have a wonderful holiday!

 

[lisagr33]

How terrible, that she has no say in anything. She is to be treated like a slave. I feel that it's unfortunate that they don't have a better relationship, but if he insists on forcing her to see him (less than 3 times a year - when HE feels up to it), then I guess he will be damaging his relationship with her further. So there is nothing I can do but watch him dig his own grave, and tell my daughter that no matter how uncomfortable she is with this stranger she has to be alone with him.
He has NEVER followed the visitation as outlined by the court when we were divorced, but I haven't pushed that because I'm afraid he will want her every other weekend (and he doesn't even have anywhere to live - he "crashes" with drinking buddies).
Well, if she wants to tell him no again when he calls today I guess she can try. We will see what the two of them work out first I guess.
I'm shocked that children don't have more rights in a situation like this!
Thank you for your reply, I was afraid that would be the answer - but had to find out anyway. Have a wonderful holiday!

You need to encourage her to have a relationship with her father no matter how much he sees or does not see her. Your attitude is what your daughter is feeding off of and she sees your actions and thinks maybe if I say this then I won't have to go. Would you like to be found in contempt for not making her go?

 

[jjanae]

We have NEVER said one word discouraging a relationship with him, nor have I "badmouthed" him in anyway. In fact, I have tried to help her understand that he is is own person and to love him for who he is. I find it hard to believe that I can be held in contempt of court for something I never said. Despite my reservations towards him, I have always encouraged them to have a relationship. I haven't done anything wrong, I only posted on here to find out if there was anything I could do to help my daughter feel as though she has rights.
Why is it only the "custodial parent" can be charged with abandonment? He has no where to live and we have NO way of getting a hold of him via phone, etc. Our divorce order states he HAS to inform be of his address/phone number, etc. - HE is in contempt of court.
I am appreciative of the constructive advice.

 

[wtk8j]

We have NEVER said one word discouraging a relationship with him, nor have I "badmouthed" him in anyway. In fact, I have tried to help her understand that he is is own person and to love him for who he is. I find it hard to believe that I can be held in contempt of court for something I never said. Despite my reservations towards him, I have always encouraged them to have a relationship. I haven't done anything wrong, I only posted on here to find out if there was anything I could do to help my daughter feel as though she has rights.
Why is it only the "custodial parent" can be charged with abandonment? He has no where to live and we have NO way of getting a hold of him via phone, etc. Our divorce order states he HAS to inform be of his address/phone number, etc. - HE is in contempt of court.
I am appreciative of the constructive advice.

You did say in your other post that you would tell her that she has to go with this STRANGER,(might not be exact context but you di say stranger) did you not.That is not the appropriate way to address it ,it would be much better to tell her that he is her father and she needs togive him a chance and therefor she needs to go.This will help to avoid any futher negative feelings she may have towards her dad.

 

[Zigner]

Options

Do you have an actual concern for her safety? Or, are you more concerned that she's not comfortable?
If you have an actual concern for her safety (due to drinking perhaps), then recommend you go back to court to have the visitation modified - maybe to include a supervision requirement.

 

[Zephyr]

My job is to protect her and teach her to speak up for herself.


part of a parents job is also to teach their children that there are rules, and rules have to be followed, the court order is a rule that must be followed, you are free at any time you wish, to file for a modification of the current order though

 

[lisagr33]

We have NEVER said one word discouraging a relationship with him, nor have I "badmouthed" him in anyway. In fact, I have tried to help her understand that he is is own person and to love him for who he is. I find it hard to believe that I can be held in contempt of court for something I never said. Despite my reservations towards him, I have always encouraged them to have a relationship. I haven't done anything wrong, I only posted on here to find out if there was anything I could do to help my daughter feel as though she has rights.
Why is it only the "custodial parent" can be charged with abandonment? He has no where to live and we have NO way of getting a hold of him via phone, etc. Our divorce order states he HAS to inform be of his address/phone number, etc. - HE is in contempt of court.
I am appreciative of the constructive advice.

Zephyr-this sounds like someone wanting to hear that it is okay for their child not to go and visit the NCP. She calls him a stanger in the first post but in this post she says she encourages a relationship despite how she feels about him. Does that sound a little contradictary?(sp)

 

[TiBooPo]

Explain

2. His father and grandfather were both convicted for molesting their daughters, and the reason I divorced him is because he went off the deep end sexually. I fear he may try something on his own daughter as well.

What do you mean by "Went off the deep end sexually"? Are his father and grandfather around your daughter? This may be something used in your defense if there was a visitation modification.

 

[Zephyr]

Zephyr-this sounds like someone wanting to hear that it is okay for their child not to go and visit the NCP. She calls him a stanger in the first post but in this post she says she encourages a relationship despite how she feels about him. Does that sound a little contradictary?(sp)

of course she is feeling bitter about the way dad has basically discarded her daughter and then wants to waltz back in, I would too- actually I did too

even though personally I thought my ex had become a waste of skin after our divorce, and to other adults (no children present) over a glass of wine I have called my ex every name in the book, but when the time finally did roll around that he wanted to see our son, I put my feelings aside, packed up our son, gave him a kiss, told him was going to have a great time with his dad and sent our son to him for the month in summer that he requested (even though I didn't have to because our order said reasonable visitation upon reasonable notice)


it is very possible for someone to have strong feelings about something/someone and still do the right thing.


mom's only legal option here is to file for modification

 

[SingleMom67]

What you mean by "Went off the deep end sexually"? Are his father and grandfather around your daughter? This may be something used in your defense if there was a visitation modification.

Good question. I thought the same thing.

 

[jjanae]

One of the grounds for our divorce was that I didn't feel safe in the same home with him. I woke up numerous times and he had me pinned and was starting to have sex with me (even though we had agreed to sleep in seperate rooms and I had locked my bedroom door). He admitted that he masturbated more than 6 times a day (and that he did it at work - he works for a soft drink company). I also caught him masturbating to pornographic movies while my daughter was in the room (granted she was only 18 months, but I find it apalling still). Yes, his father is around. The family acknowledges the abuse and don't really have a problem with it. They just shrug it off and continue on. They don't really have a problem with it.
The feelings and terms I have used here are between us adults - I have never told my daughter he is a stranger. I am a good person who wants the best outcome - but my daughter's best interest comes before that of my ex husband. I actually have no hard feelings toward him, with the exception of sad dissappointment that he doesn't appreciate the wonderful gift that is a daughter. I know that there is a time and a place to be open, and I have been open in this forum - but have been nothing but "pc" with my daughter.

My father signed his rights to me away when I was an infant - so I know how important it is for a child to have their father.
Ideally, I would like to see him offer her a little patience and respect while she is trying to figure out their roles, so that she can decide she is ready to move on and spend time with him. I find that to be the healthiest outcome, but I'm not certain how to get there. When he calls back this afternoon I am going to try to talk to him again - explain how pre-teens can be and hope he can be supportive and patient. He doesn't want to be a parent, that is my job as far as he is concerned. So I don't know if he will care what I have to say, but for my daughter's sake I have to try.
I really appreciate your support. You are right, I am upset - but what parent in their right mind doesn't get protective in a situation like this? I'm so glad to be dealing with other parents here!

 

[LdiJ]

What you mean by "Went off the deep end sexually"? Are his father and grandfather around your daughter? This may be something used in your defense if there was a visitation modification.

That thought makes me uneasy as well. Has the child had real counseling, not just with the school counselor but with a therapist. Just to make sure that the child's uncomfortableness doesn't have something to do with something deeper than just the fact that he is a stranger?

You absolutely do not want to make any false accusations....that would more harm than anything else....but you want to be sure as well.