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13 year old daughter refuses to visit me

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randy1234

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? GA

My 15 year old son decided to live with me about 6 months ago and his mother stopped speaking to him once he moved out of her house. She has refused any visitation with him which is ok with him since she was pretty controlling and verbally abusive in the past. His mother had a live-in boyfriend that he didn't like, plus he and his mom weren't getting along at all. I've always had my kids 3-4 days a week until my ex got a new boyfriend. She originally moved them into his house (changed schools, 60 miles away without even notifying me but that's another story) but then the house was foreclosed so they all moved back into her house. Turns out the boyfriend has an arrest record for drugs, stalking a variety of different women but no convictions. I have temporary legal custody and expect to finalize permanent custody next month. My daughter previously asked to live with me (mostly because of the boyfriend ), then when the boyfriend moved out of her mom's house, she changed her mind. She asked instead for an increase in my visitation to 50/50 so she could spend equal time in both houses- week on/week off. We now live close to each other. Her mother has been extremely difficult throughout the past 6 months, alternately refusing my current weekend visitation at all, denying holidays, taking or disabling my daughter's cell phone, refusing to answer my calls or emails (she has no land line so I'm dependent on cell phones and I've replaced my daughter's cell phone over three times). Now, just a few weeks before court, my daughter has started acting really angry towards me - doesn't want to come over, etc.. I realize that she has had a big adjustment with her brother not living with her anymore, but I don't know what to do. My lawyer says I can file contempt charges against my ex-wife, but I also don't want to put my daughter under even more stress. I also don't want to lose touch with my daughter. My ex is unstable and a very punishing kind of person . I'm concerned about the repercussions for my daughter without my steady participation. My gut tells me that a 13 year old who has been through alot of turmoil in the last year shouldn't be allowed to dictate this and that she is looking for someone to blame for this turmoil (I guess that's me). I've taken my son to see a therapist to help him with alot of these issues but my ex won't allow my daughter to go. Any suggestions?
 


profmum

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? GA

. My gut tells me that a 13 year old who has been through alot of turmoil in the last year shouldn't be allowed to dictate this and that she is looking for someone to blame for this turmoil (I guess that's me). QUOTE]

You have your answer, file for contempt to make sure that the you get the visitation that you are entitled to.. there is nothing worse than giving in to the 13 yr old's whims..nothing worse than that.
 

Bloopy

Senior Member
My gut tells me that a 13 year old who has been through alot of turmoil in the last year shouldn't be allowed to dictate this
If the boy can ignore a court order and choose where he wishes to be why not the girl?

BTW, the age to decide is 18, not 15 or 13.

My ex is unstable and a very punishing kind of person.
These are good reasons to follow the court order to the letter.


You all have made a fine mess and I think you all should go back to court to fine tune visitation and actually follow it.

While Mom could be found in contempt, so could you.
 
If the boy can ignore a court order and choose where he wishes to be why not the girl?

BTW, the age to decide is 18, not 15 or 13.


These are good reasons to follow the court order to the letter.


You all have made a fine mess and I think you all should go back to court to fine tune visitation and actually follow it.

While Mom could be found in contempt, so could you.
Dad stated that he has temporary legal custody. I don't see how he can be charged with contempt. The fact that junior wanted to live with dad is, I doubt, not the only reason the court granted dad temp custody. Having said that, mom and or dad allowing the children to believe they can have a say in living and visitation arrangements is just plain stupid. The fact that the daughter is now asserting her wants should be of little surprise!
 

CJane

Senior Member
In GA, at 14, a child's wishes as to their custodian are still presumed to be in their best interests. The statute changed very little. Between 11 and 13, their wishes are taken into consideration.

GA DOES now apply the best interests standards, but did not drop the child's wishes as a reason to change custody.
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
I think the dad is primarily talking about the mom with holding the daughters visitation from him. If that is the case, dad, you need to go pick up daughter on your weekends. Work through this hurdle before considering asking the courts for a 50/50 schedule.
 

Bloopy

Senior Member
Dad stated that he has temporary legal custody. I don't see how he can be charged with contempt.
My apologies,

As I read it things happened in this order,
1) Boy decides he want to live with Dad
2) Boy moves out of Mom’s
3) Mom stops contact with Boy
4) Temp custody of Boy is given to Dad.
5) Girl decides to stop seeing Dad, with Mom’s encouragement.

Anything that Dad could have done that was contempt worthy is in the past, before he got temp custody of Boy.

However, these kids feel that may come and go as they please. Both parents seem to have played a role in this. GA law aside, the parents fed into it.

Dad should pursue contempt, but why wouldn’t both kids think this is okay?
 

randy1234

Junior Member
Bloopy, you now have the facts in order. Yes, I agree with everyone that we parents should not be manipulated by our teenagers. However, my son was a nervous wreck, doing poorly in school, etc. with his mother and is greatly relieved to be with me. I am not a perfect guy by any stretch but my ex has significant emotional problems and takes this out on my son in various unpleasant ways. She is better with my daughter. Just because my ex was awarded primary custody when they were little, does not mean that this is always for the best for every kid at every age. I agree that the situation has gotten out of hand. The last time I tried to pick my daughter up for my visitation at her house, my ex told me to get off her property and when I refused to leave until my daughter came out and got into the car, she filed a restraining order against me, so now I can't go to her house unless I take the police with me. A few weeks later, when my daughter rode the bus home from school to my house, again on my decreed visitation, she demanded that I bring her back and when I refused, she called the police. Fortunately, I had my divorce decree to show the police and they made my ex leave. My daughter repeated to me just last week that she wants the 50/50 visitation but now this week-- doesn't call me, won't come over. Do I get the police and go over to force her to come? I think my daughter is exhausted and angry from all this mess but if she could just hang in there, I believe it will calm down. Her mother will not be reasonable. What is a father to do?
 

proud_parent

Senior Member
Do I get the police and go over to force her to come?
Do go to pick up your daughter as court ordered, but do not expect law enforcement to force Mom and/or daughter's compliance. Instead, bring your orders with you and if your daughter refuses to leave with you, ask law enforcement to make a report. Then attach a copy of the police report when you file for contempt.
I think my daughter is exhausted and angry from all this mess but if she could just hang in there, I believe it will calm down. Her mother will not be reasonable. What is a father to do?
Petition to find Mom in contempt for failing to comply with the Court's orders. Request in your petition that you be allowed to seek counseling for your daughter.
 

Bloopy

Senior Member
The police cannot enforce a civil matter. They likely wouldn’t even go with you.

They won’t drag your daughter into your car.

They can document the refused visitation.

They can encourage Mom to make nice and be cooperative.

I doubt they would influence Daughter to be cooperative but maybe I’m over dramatizing her.

Sorry to belabor the point because you honestly sound reasonable. But the arguments you made about Son will be made by Mom about Daughter.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I am going to throw out some "food for thought". Getting inside the head of the people involved in the situation is always helpful in determining what to do and/or strategizing.

Mom is angry because your son chose to live with you instead of remaining with her. She is afraid that you and your son will influence your daughter into also wanting to live with you. Naturally, she doesn't want to lose both of her children.

She also knows that when your daughter turns 14 her choice will also have a lot of weight, so mom is hoping that the less time that your daughter spends with you now, the less likely it is that your daughter will want to move in with you when she turns 14. She may not realize that she is hoping this consciously, but she does subconsciously at least.

Subconciously mom is probably also thinking that you now have your joint son all the time, that she should have your joint daughter all the time.

However, at the same time, if your daughter really wanted to go with you on your visitation time, mom couldn't stop her easily. So your daughter is part of this as well.

Your daughter is conflicted. She loves her mom and she knows how hurt her mother is that your son moved in with you. She also knows that her mother has cut off all contact with your son because of this, and she doesn't want to lose contact with her mother too. She may or may not really want 50/50 time. She may be placating both of you. Your daughter's social life could even be factoring into the mix.

Is there any possible way that you could invite mom to lunch (in a public place) to talk about the kids? To try to have a civilized discussion about them? Both of them still need both of you and if you and mom can actually talk, face to face, in a civilized manner, you may come to workable resolutions.

Or if the restraining order makes that impossible, perhaps a meeting in an attorney's office, where you and mom could maybe have the opportunity to talk one on one?

I agree with everyone else that both you and mom are part of this problem. Neither one of your children should have had any notion that they had any say in the whole situation. Teens in particular should see their parents as a united front and that decisions are made between the parents. Unfortunately however we don't live in an ideal world and when parents are not together, everything gets muddy.
 
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