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  1. #1
    Oregon93 is offline Junior Member
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    14 year old doesn't want to visit Dad anymore

    What is the name of your state? Oregon

    My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. He has come back and said he is going to make her come. When she first approached me about this, I asked her why and she stated that she doesn't like her step mother, and that she has asked her dad to be the one parenting her and he continues to allow the step mom to parent. Friends and athletics are also part of the reason as well. She states that she is always grounded when she goes and all he does is work and leave her and her 12 year old brother home alone.

    I told her when she first approached me about it, that this was an issue between her and her father and that I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. I also told her that her actions may have consequences and she will have to accept them.

    At first he didn't press the issue and allowed her to stay home, but now has come back and stated he is going to enforce the visitation schedule.

    My question is, does she have any rights in this issue and can she ask the courts to amend her visitation schedule?I just don't know what to tell her when she asks, "Can he make me go?"What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?
  2. #2
    Eekamouse is offline Senior Member
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    She doesn't get any say so in this and you have to follow the court order or be found in contempt. When she's 18 she can decide whether she visits him or not.
  3. #3
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oregon93 View Post
    What is the name of your state? Oregon

    My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. He has come back and said he is going to make her come. When she first approached me about this, I asked her why and she stated that she doesn't like her step mother, and that she has asked her dad to be the one parenting her and he continues to allow the step mom to parent. Friends and athletics are also part of the reason as well. She states that she is always grounded when she goes and all he does is work and leave her and her 12 year old brother home alone.

    I told her when she first approached me about it, that this was an issue between her and her father and that I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. I also told her that her actions may have consequences and she will have to accept them.

    At first he didn't press the issue and allowed her to stay home, but now has come back and stated he is going to enforce the visitation schedule.

    My question is, does she have any rights in this issue and can she ask the courts to amend her visitation schedule?I just don't know what to tell her when she asks, "Can he make me go?"What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?
    Legally, not only can he make her go, but you are required to make her go as well.
  4. #4
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    If she does not wish to go, until you have your court order amended to reflect something differently, she must continue to go.

    Now you can ask to have court order amended, to where she does get some say, if the Judge is willing to do that. I do know some Judges will not allow it, but some will.

    At first he didn't press the issue and allowed her to stay home, but now has come back and stated he is going to enforce the visitation schedule.
    How long did he not press the issue? Was it a few times? A year? the answer to this could help in amendment.

    I was able to have a Judge order and amend court order to where the children do get a say on visitation, but mainly because Ex was inconsistent with visitation, and also because children were a year older, almost 2, than your daughter.
  5. #5
    skywalker35 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oregon93 View Post
    What is the name of your state? Oregon

    My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. He has come back and said he is going to make her come. When she first approached me about this, I asked her why and she stated that she doesn't like her step mother, and that she has asked her dad to be the one parenting her and he continues to allow the step mom to parent. Friends and athletics are also part of the reason as well. She states that she is always grounded when she goes and all he does is work and leave her and her 12 year old brother home alone.

    I told her when she first approached me about it, that this was an issue between her and her father and that I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. I also told her that her actions may have consequences and she will have to accept them.

    At first he didn't press the issue and allowed her to stay home, but now has come back and stated he is going to enforce the visitation schedule.

    My question is, does she have any rights in this issue and can she ask the courts to amend her visitation schedule?I just don't know what to tell her when she asks, "Can he make me go?"What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?
    This may be inappropriate and I am going to ask anyway. First of all, what would you do or how would you react it the situation was reversed? If she didn't want to see you? Wouldn't you expect her father to make sure she sees you---I am sure you have a long backstory of how it is justified--but really reverse the situation.

    Besides if you were still together w/ the father, and your 14 y.o didn't like him --most teens don't like their parents anyway--would you make him move out b/c she doesn't "want" to see him. Don't give her the control, it will be very hard to get it back.

    She is 14--a child--she doesn't know what she wants. Does anyone really know at 14?!?!? I can tell you what though, when she is an adult, she is going to want her dad, and guess who is going to get the sh!t, when that happens.....YOU!

    Even if you hate your ex, still respect his role in her life.
  6. #6
    majomom1 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oregon93 View Post
    What is the name of your state? Oregon

    My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. He has come back and said he is going to make her come. When she first approached me about this, I asked her why and she stated that she doesn't like her step mother, and that she has asked her dad to be the one parenting her and he continues to allow the step mom to parent. Friends and athletics are also part of the reason as well. She states that she is always grounded when she goes and all he does is work and leave her and her 12 year old brother home alone.

    I told her when she first approached me about it, that this was an issue between her and her father and that I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. I also told her that her actions may have consequences and she will have to accept them.

    At first he didn't press the issue and allowed her to stay home, but now has come back and stated he is going to enforce the visitation schedule.

    My question is, does she have any rights in this issue and can she ask the courts to amend her visitation schedule? I just don't know what to tell her when she asks, "Can he make me go?"
    You tell her "You have to go" and that YOU will make her. It is not a choice. You can facilitate this by talking to her. And encourage her to talk to her Dad. Enourage her to get along with SM, she is there and your daughter will have to follow the house rules. Daughter has to learn to accept this and get along with SM. i would bet if she did that, then Dad would agree to more free time and she would not be "grounded".

    You can also get her into counseling and invite Dad. The counselor can help her communicate with Dad more effectively too. Teens can get an attitude and if she is being stubborn and difficult where SM is concerned, then she may spend a lot of time grounded. This is a life lesson where she has to learn to accept and deal with the situation appropriately.

    You can help her do that. What would you do if she suddenly decided she didn't want to come back to your house? You would make her and you would talk to her. it is really the same thing here.
  7. #7
    JacobJoel is offline Member
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    i am a step mom and what i have learned here is that the court order rules.

    i have also learned that you don't actually have to have a 'court appearance' to have the court order amended.

    there is at least one suggestion of how to amend your order here, by Life, and LD posted somewhere on this forum in regards to her daughter only RARELY spending the night at her dads. (meaning that things CAN be arranged to allieviate as much stress on a child as possible. i was singularly impressed w/that)

    the only way you are going to have anything to stand on is if you get it in writing and approved by the court.

    i also have learned that parenting plans and custody agreements really are NOT carved in stone. there are any number of posters on this board who have had them amended at best, and changed completely, to their needs, at the OPTIMUMN.

    it can be done.

    i would bet money on SM having input on Dad's actions w/his daughter. I'm thinking that would be due to SM wanting to ensure whatever SHE deems appropriate (grounding) is gonna happen. can't prove it, but there you have it.

    If SM and daughter do not get along and Dad is not AT HOME, SPENDING TIME w/daughter, then i would, as her MOTHER, and wanting the best for her, figure out how to get something through the courts.

    Like i said, i am a step mom. I didn't ever intend to be, went out of my way to NOT date men with children.

    why?

    because MY step mom was mean and vindictive and did not have my best interest at heart.

    if you can step back and objectively look at the situation and it comes back that dad's wife is on a power trip against your daughter, it is within your responsibiity, as her mom, to do whatever you can to protect her.

    and there are others on this board who will be happy to guide you through it.

    EDITED to add: you do NOT want to tell her what, exactly, you are doing or have in mind, until it is done. you do NOT want to be sowing seeds of discord or rebellion or sedition among the troups. Do your fact finding and discussions quietly, all the while maintaining for daughters example, a steadfast committment to her being with her dad on her dad's time.

    this is strong leadership and setting an example of making the best of a bad situation. you can make this a valuable life lesson for daughter.

    respectfully submitted....
    Last edited by JacobJoel; 11-28-2007 at 10:09 AM.
  8. #8
    Oregon93 is offline Junior Member
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    Reply...

    Thanks for all the great input...I will try to reply best I can.

    JacobJoel - Thanks for your perspective on being a SM. I am also one as my husband has custody of his 2 children. My daughters situation is very different however. My 12 year old son absolutely adores his SM. I think she is a good person and she has done good things for my ex's relationship with my son. My daugher used to be the "princess" and my ex was blatantly obvious with his favortism. Now the roles are reversed and my son is the new "chosen one". The SM is a serious controll freak and everything has to be her way, which is obviously going to conflict with a teenager. I have tried to foster the relationship between my daughter and her father explaining to her that they love her and just want to be involved in her life. Easier said than done obviously. Yes, the SM creates all the grounding punishment, I know this simply because my ex isn't bright enough to come up with some of these on their own. I do think they are rather severe and do not usually fit the crime (When she arrived for her last leg of summer visitation, all of the things in her room were removed except bed and dresser and a lamp, and still are at this time 3 months later) simply because she ate something without asking. I do appreciate your input again.

    MajorMom- I understand what you are saying, I have told her that he can make her go. I do wish that he would honestly sit down and listen to her, when she asked him to last week, he immediately got defensive and mad, and by that time, I am sure he wasn't hearing a word she said. All that does is create an atmospere where she isn't going to be willing to talk to him in the future, just act out.

    Skywalker35-Actually I have been in the reverse situation with both of my kids. My ex sued me for custody after I got remarried. There were several reasons behind it, all the wrong ones. He was jellous another man would be involved in raising his kids, he had a GF at the time who didn't want to pay support anylonger and basically ran the show (Yes, it is a pattern with the women he picks, including me). At that time, durring the custody evaluation, the kids both said they wanted to live with their dad. Yes, it hurt, but through counseling, we were able to discuss the reasons why. That is what is so frustrating that their dad won't consider counseling or having reasonable converations. It is always defensiveness, anger, and denial.

    My life is mine-She didn't go and visit him for about 3 months. Not very long, but basically since the Summer punishment. She has been once since.

    Again, thanks for all the great imput. I will keep you apprised of the situation.
  9. #9
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Stripped down to the basic:
    Follow the existing court order.

    That is all.
  10. #10
    fairisfair is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverplum View Post
    Stripped down to the basic:
    Follow the existing court order.

    That is all.
    holy cow, are you stripping AGAIN??
  11. #11
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fairisfair View Post
    holy cow, are you stripping AGAIN??
    I can't help myself!
  12. #12
    JacobJoel is offline Member
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    babbling again

    but you are SO right, again, silver!

    i should have just shut up when i said "it can be done"!

    everything else is babble! babble will certainly trash any case in court. this i know.
  13. #13
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by JacobJoel View Post
    but you are SO right, again, silver!

    i should have just shut up when i said "it can be done"!

    everything else is babble! babble will certainly trash any case in court. this i know.
    Naw, I thought you made bunches of good points!

    My response was really to the OP, who came back with lots of stories about this person and that person...so I stripped!
  14. #14
    casa is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oregon93 View Post
    What is the name of your state? Oregon

    My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. He has come back and said he is going to make her come. When she first approached me about this, I asked her why and she stated that she doesn't like her step mother, and that she has asked her dad to be the one parenting her and he continues to allow the step mom to parent. Friends and athletics are also part of the reason as well. She states that she is always grounded when she goes and all he does is work and leave her and her 12 year old brother home alone.

    I told her when she first approached me about it, that this was an issue between her and her father and that I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. I also told her that her actions may have consequences and she will have to accept them.

    At first he didn't press the issue and allowed her to stay home, but now has come back and stated he is going to enforce the visitation schedule.

    My question is, does she have any rights in this issue and can she ask the courts to amend her visitation schedule?I just don't know what to tell her when she asks, "Can he make me go?"What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?


    I've found it helpful to remind teens that if Dad files Contempt for denial of visitation~ it is YOU that will have consequences, not your daughter. Ask your duaghter if she'd like you to pay fines or risk losing your remaining parenting time?

    Counseling all the way around *IMO*
  15. #15
    JacobJoel is offline Member
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    well...ok. but i still drive myself nuts babbling.

    and casa, i always take notes on your input.

    i have wondered about if your point on the children assisting on court costs if they throw the fits was appropriate.

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