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14 year old lives out of state but refuses to visit

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What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

I have been divorced now from my ex-wife for 11 years. She has since relocated to NC. We have a 16 and a 14 year old together that live with her. I've told both of them that once they reach 16, I will allow them the choice of whether or not to come visit.

Before she moved we agreed to a framework of visitation that would have the kids fly back to MA during school breaks. One of these breaks is coming in less than a week. My son is exercising the priviledge I gave him and not coming. My daughter told me just today that she wants to stay home with her friends and I can't make her go. It appears her mother is going to allow this despite my reminder that we have a court order that allows me visitation here in MA.

My question is, her and the kids have lived down there for 2 years so who has jurisdiction. I read somewhere that the court that handed down the order is the correct venue. She is arguing that I have to travel there to file.
 


LillianX

Senior Member
You are correct. Currently, MA has jurisdiction.

It is your wife's responsibility to make your daughter come. If she doesn't do so, file for contempt immediately.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

I have been divorced now from my ex-wife for 11 years. She has since relocated to NC. We have a 16 and a 14 year old together that live with her. I've told both of them that once they reach 16, I will allow them the choice of whether or not to come visit.

Before she moved we agreed to a framework of visitation that would have the kids fly back to MA during school breaks. One of these breaks is coming in less than a week. My son is exercising the priviledge I gave him and not coming. My daughter told me just today that she wants to stay home with her friends and I can't make her go. It appears her mother is going to allow this despite my reminder that we have a court order that allows me visitation here in MA.

My question is, her and the kids have lived down there for 2 years so who has jurisdiction. I read somewhere that the court that handed down the order is the correct venue. She is arguing that I have to travel there to file.


Jurisdiction will remain in Mass., assuming that's where the most current orders originated.

And really - why on earth have you allowed your children to make such a decision? You DO understand why your daughter is saying this, right?

:confused:
 
Jurisdiction will remain in Mass., assuming that's where the most current orders originated.

And really - why on earth have you allowed your children to make such a decision? You DO understand why your daughter is saying this, right?

:confused:
Once they turn 18, I have no legal recourse to force them to see me. I hope that by allowing them at 16 to decide for themselves will make them want to continue seeing me long after I lose the authority to force it.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Once they turn 18, I have no legal recourse to force them to see me. I hope that by allowing them at 16 to decide for themselves will make them want to continue seeing me long after I lose the authority to force it.

So instead you allow them to make the decision themselves, give them the authority over the parents and are teaching them that it's absolutely okay to ignore a court order?

I'm sorry Dad - I know you mean well, but you and Mom are making a huge error here.

PLEASE stick around the forums. Read old threads. And realize that you're giving the kids far too much responsibility for their young ages.

Still, your legal question as been answered.
 
My son wants to stay because he has a seasonal job. I applaud him for wanting to be a responsible employee. He came to me months ago about this and wanted to make sure that I was ok with this despite me tellinghim previously that he could stay if he chose.

If my daughter had a good reason for staying I probably would have worked with her to make sure she made up the visitation at a later time but her only exucse was to see her friends. Not good enough.

Parenting doesn't come with a handbook. It gets even harder when you see your kids only 4 times per year and you miss so much of their growing up. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
If my ex is found in contempt, can I ask to reimbursed for court costs, legal fees and lost time from work to appear in court?


You can ask, but you'd likely only get court costs and legal fees - if that. You won't get lost time from work.

There's at least a chance that a judge will not find her in contempt at all; you're going to be asked why it's okay for your son to ignore a court order but not your daughter.

It could go either way.

And of course you have to turn up to get your daughter per the court order. Having Mom say "no" and you taking Mom's word for it is not going to be enough.
 
She lives in North Carolina. I live in Massachusetts. The stipulation that authorized her move states that all travel for visitation be accomplished by means of air travel. I buy the plane tickets and receive a credit against my child support to cover the cost. The ticket is bought and paid for. I've emailed my ex with all the information she needs to pint the boarding pass. If she refuses to put our daughter on the plane does that I mean I have to now drive 14 hours or get on a plane to enforce my visitation rights?
 
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LillianX

Senior Member
She lives in North Carolina. I live in Massachusetts. The stipulation that authorized her move states that all travel for visitation be accomplished by means of air travel. I buy the plane tickets and receive a credit against my child support to cover the cost. The ticket is bought and paid for. I've emailed my ex with all the information she needs to pint the boarding pass. If she refuses to put our daughter on the plane does that I mean I have to now drive 14 hours or get on a plane to enforce my visitation rights?
Maybe. In order to claim that you were DENIED visitation, you have to attempt to pick them up and be told no. There are, however, other angles here. If you're comfortable doing so, please type out this section of your court order, word for word, minus any names. Folks here will be happy to take a look and see what's up.
 
Here is a word for word trascription of the relevant sections.

While the children are with the mother in North Carolina, the children shall return to the Commonwealth to visit with their father for the following time periods.
.
.
.
Four (4) days commencing in late October until early November
.
.
.
The above provided visitation is purposefully designed as a guideline for the parties when arriving at actual dates of visitation. In determining actual dates, the parties agree to give due regard to the children's school vacation schedule, the father's employment schedule and holiday vacation schedules. The parties agree to be flexible, cooperative and reasonable when arriving at actual dates for visitation at a minimum of two (2) months in advace of the proposed visitation periods as provided above.

Any visitation scheduled pursuant to the terms herein which for whatever reason has to be cancelled due to circumstances outside of the control of the parties shall be rescheduled at a time mutually agreed uopn by the parties.

The above visitation schedule shall be accomplished by means of airline travel. Airline tickets purchased shall be that of a direct flight and, if necessary and required, provide for unaccompanied minor escorts and / or guardians pursuant to airline procedure. Each party shall be responsible for placing their children into the custody of airline personnel at the departure gate and likewise be responsible for retrieving their children from airline personnel at the arrival gate. Father shall assume the responsibility to schedule, book, and confirm all flights to and from destination points. All flights shall be paid for by the father.
 

LillianX

Senior Member
Ok. So if she doesn't bring the child to the airport and accompany her to the gate, you can file for contempt. I don't believe the contempt will be for withholding visitation. I don't think your visitation is actually being withheld unless you physically present yourself and attempt to pick up the child from Mom, and Mom won't let you take her.

However, ANY violation of a court order holds the potential for a finding of contempt, and Mom's failure to bring the kiddo to the airport and put her on a plane is a pretty big violation. If she doesn't, you can, and absolutely should, file immediately.

As was mentioned earlier, be prepared to explain to the judge why you didn't require both kids. I don't think it will be an enormous deal, especially since your son has a job and is working, but I do think it will be an issue that will be addressed in court. You should also be prepared to answer why you're letting the kids (in this case, kid) decide whether or not to visit you.

Lastly, you really should consider exercising your visitation rights with both your children at the court ordered times. As you mentioned, you only see them four times a year. That's not a whole lot of time, and your involvement in their lives is important. I understand that it's possible, and even common, for distant parents to be involved in their childrens' lives, but there just isn't a substitute for seeing and spending time with your kids in person. As they get older and age out of the court order, you'll see them even less! Adult lives take over, and grown ups just don't have the time to see two parents who live far away that often. Heck, I live in MA now, and I grew up in NC. I'm lucky if I get down to see my family once a year, let alone 4 times! Spend that time with them now!
 

st-kitts

Member
You set yourself up for this situation when you gave your son a choice. You are playing favortisim in a strange way.

Sure, you could go up and order your daughter to come see you and allow son to stay because sonny boy has a great reason in your opinion. That is a wonderful way to validate your son while telling your daughter something different entirely about how you see her values, priorities, interests (and for a a vast number of teenage girls the social life is the priority so she isn't unusual)...

You may not be legally wrong if you go collect your daughter, but she is at an age where she can judge you independently even if she isn't of an age to have her judgement validated legally. In a few years though, she does get that choice. You might want to behave in a way that is foward thinking. Might be better to talk with your ex and explain that from now on (or moving forward), you will exercise your rights with both kids each visitation session.

Then do it.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Of course, an alternative would be for you to fly down to NC and spend the four days in their community, meeting their friends, etc. Your 16yo wouls still be able to fulfill his obligation and spend time with you, and your 14yo would have the best of both worlds - friends AND Dad.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
My son wants to stay because he has a seasonal job. I applaud him for wanting to be a responsible employee. He came to me months ago about this and wanted to make sure that I was ok with this despite me tellinghim previously that he could stay if he chose.

If my daughter had a good reason for staying I probably would have worked with her to make sure she made up the visitation at a later time but her only exucse was to see her friends. Not good enough.

Parenting doesn't come with a handbook. It gets even harder when you see your kids only 4 times per year and you miss so much of their growing up. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.
I agree with the other posters to some extent, but I also agree with you. For the benefit of others who might be reading this, what I would have done is something different. Court-ordered visitation is mandatory until age 18. No options, no discussion.

However, if son came to me and said "Dad, I have a great job and if I come to visit you, I'll lose the job", then I'd sit down with him to see if there's a way to work something out. Maybe I'd have found a way to visit their location rather than vice versa. Or maybe I'd have him talk to his boss to see if there's a time when work is slow and it would be more convenient to take off.

Under that scenario, daughter comes to me and says "Dad, I'd like to spend the time with my friends" and I'd say "I'm glad you have such good friends, but you see them all year and only see me a couple of times. You can catch up with your friends when you get back".

In either case, it's not the kid making the decision. It's the parent making the decision, but being willing to listen to reasonable opinions from the child.

Ultimately, the court order rules and I agree that it's wrong to let the kids decide unilaterally what to do. OTOH, they are approaching adulthood (particularly the son) and learning how to deal with conflicting desires would be a good lesson.

You should be able to get this back under control if you wish by using the above logic. Daughter will be upset for a while, but she'll get over it.
 
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