An 8 year old boy's mental and emotional abuse

[mrsschram27]

What is the name of your state? Wisconsin
My ex and I broke up after our son turned almost 4, we were together for almost 8 years. LONG story short, I have been trying to get primary placement of my child for the past 3 years. I let his father have primary when we first split up because he made more money and has family here whereas I do not and thought at the time it was a good idea. He could give our child what I couldn't, plus we had a verbal agreement I could have placement at any time. That was a lie. He was a pretty good guy at the time, more stable than he is now. Never treated our son the way he does now. Anyway, he physically "handicapped" himself by punching a window when he was intoxicated one night resulting in several severed tendons, so now he has little to no use of his hand. Because of this he's become bitter, feeling the whole world owes him something.
Now, my son is in 2nd grade, and his teacher tells me she's never seen an angrier child. This is his father's doing, which I will not go into now, it would take too long. I was with my son the other day, and he said, "Dad told me to ask the teacher if she prays every night that I die." That's just the tip of the iceberg, my son has been mentally and emotionally abused by his father, but to the courts as long as the child isn't PHYSICALLY abused or starving, no harm done. How can I get the courts to listen to my side and get primary placement before my son ends up scarred for life? I don't have the money for an attorney, and I wouldn't think you'd need one when a child is physically abused, so what's the difference when on is being emotionally and mentally abused? The bruises are internal, the teacher's and everyone else can still see the damage.What is the name of your state?

 

[xylene]

How can I get the courts to listen to my side and get primary placement before my son ends up scarred for life?

The court does not car about your 'side'.

Get proof son is being emotionally abused.

This means expert testimony from a psychiatrist.

Not well meaning conjecture and not your opinion. Son's teacher is a mandated reporter. Ask her "If you believe son is abused, why have you not informed anyone?"

 

[FITFatherof2]

Msscham, it just seems as if there is something missing from your post. Why would you leave a child with an "abusive" father? Your post suggests that the father could provide better financially, but there is child support to aid you. As parents the need to know that our children are safe, secure, and provided for is innate. What was so important that you were able to suppress that instinct, and leave the child with this "abusive" father?

 

[my life is mine]

What have you done to help your child? Have you taken him to a therapist, a pediatrician anyone????

 

[Isis1]

talk to the school administration. they do have couselors on site. talk to the father about your son possibly needing a counselor. they do also have referral services.

 

[mrsschram27]

Msscham, it just seems as if there is something missing from your post. Why would you leave a child with an "abusive" father? Your post suggests that the father could provide better financially, but there is child support to aid you. As parents the need to know that our children are safe, secure, and provided for is innate. What was so important that you were able to suppress that instinct, and leave the child with this "abusive" father?

As I said, LONG story. I'll sum it up as best as I can. When my son's father and I broke up he seemed stable at the time, so I really had no worries. I was staying at a friends on her couch, if my son was with me we would have had to go to a shelter. When my friend's lease was up her and I moved into a place together, at which time I expected to have placement. That didn't happen. My son's father drank way too much one night (our son was with my ex's mother) and he called me at 3am. He wanted me to go see him and when I refused he started screaming at me over the phone, so I hung up. I received a call 5 minutes later with him yelling that he was going to the hospital and hoped I was happy. He punched a double pained window, severed several tendons, and for the past 3 years has had little to no use of that hand. He has since been living with his parents and my son. He blames the world for his misfortune and constantly complains to my son about it. My son is continually worried about his father and his hand. I have tried to get help regarding this matter, but since I haven't had much proof, up until now, that my son's father is a bad influence there hasn't been much I could do. It's sad this situation has been drug out this far, but as I said, if the courts don't see bruises or if the child isn't starving they don't care. I will be getting my son to a counselor in hopes they can help him and in turn help me gain placement of him. I have tried many times to bring placement papers to my son's father (as he would keep agreeing to sign), but when I get to the house he's no where to be found. Or he'll just try to keep me there as long as possible complaining about life and not signing. Now he is just digging himself a grave, as I have been waiting for. I've been patient, and documenting the psychotic things he's said and done (leaving rosaries on the porch of a former boyfriend of mine), telling my son I'm the reason why his hand is not working, etc. My son has also told me one of the doctors his dads been seeing about his hand, documented a death threat that was made from my son's father because he felt the doctor was being mean to him. I'm hoping after my son sees a psychiatrist something will be said to put the ball in my court. I've tried counseling before, but it didn't seem to help, plus things weren't this bad. My son's grandma (on his dad's side) would make things hard on me, too by not wanting to believe this horrible things about her own child, but now hearing issues arise out of the teacher's mouth and seeing her child as he really is she's starting to see my side. It's been a long frustrating road, and I'm hoping for it to pay off. I have a LOT on him, I just need him to dig himself a little bit deeper, and have the counselor recommend he be with me.

 

[Silverplum]

As I said, LONG story. I'll sum it up as best as I can. When my son's father and I broke up he seemed stable at the time, so I really had no worries. I was staying at a friends on her couch, if my son was with me we would have had to go to a shelter. When my friend's lease was up her and I moved into a place together, at which time I expected to have placement. That didn't happen. My son's father drank way too much one night (our son was with my ex's mother) and he called me at 3am. He wanted me to go see him and when I refused he started screaming at me over the phone, so I hung up. I received a call 5 minutes later with him yelling that he was going to the hospital and hoped I was happy. He punched a double pained window, severed several tendons, and for the past 3 years has had little to no use of that hand. He has since been living with his parents and my son. He blames the world for his misfortune and constantly complains to my son about it. My son is continually worried about his father and his hand. I have tried to get help regarding this matter, but since I haven't had much proof, up until now, that my son's father is a bad influence there hasn't been much I could do. It's sad this situation has been drug out this far, but as I said, if the courts don't see bruises or if the child isn't starving they don't care. I will be getting my son to a counselor in hopes they can help him and in turn help me gain placement of him. I have tried many times to bring placement papers to my son's father (as he would keep agreeing to sign), but when I get to the house he's no where to be found. Or he'll just try to keep me there as long as possible complaining about life and not signing. Now he is just digging himself a grave, as I have been waiting for. I've been patient, and documenting the psychotic things he's said and done (leaving rosaries on the porch of a former boyfriend of mine), telling my son I'm the reason why his hand is not working, etc. My son has also told me one of the doctors his dads been seeing about his hand, documented a death threat that was made from my son's father because he felt the doctor was being mean to him. I'm hoping after my son sees a psychiatrist something will be said to put the ball in my court. I've tried counseling before, but it didn't seem to help, plus things weren't this bad. My son's grandma (on his dad's side) would make things hard on me, too by not wanting to believe this horrible things about her own child, but now hearing issues arise out of the teacher's mouth and seeing her child as he really is she's starting to see my side. It's been a long frustrating road, and I'm hoping for it to pay off. I have a LOT on him, I just need him to dig himself a little bit deeper, and have the counselor recommend he be with me.

You REALLY NEED an attorney's help with this.

For instance: DO you have JOINT LEGAL custody? If not, your plan to take your child to a counselor is fruitless -- you have no legal right to do so.

 

[mrsschram27]

What have you done to help your child? Have you taken him to a therapist, a pediatrician anyone????

He is seeing a therapist at school, I have taken him to a therapist in the past, but it didn't seem to help. Probably because grandma (on his dad's side) felt she needed to show up and defend her son. She knows better now. The therapist wanted to see all of us first, and his dad make quite the "feel sorry for me" scene and made it all about him, so we stopped going. But now his grandma knows better, and we're going to let just my son be seen. I'm hoping the therapist can help him, and also recommend he stay with me. Instead of living with grandma, grandpa, and dad.

 

[mrsschram27]

talk to the school administration. they do have couselors on site. talk to the father about your son possibly needing a counselor. they do also have referral services.

Thanks, he has been seeing a counselor for the past two weeks now, and his father knows, but the teacher said it doesn't seem to be doing much as his father keeps fueling the fire between my son and the teachers. He just doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut around our son. He treats him more as a peer than an 8 year old.

 

[mrsschram27]

The court does not car about your 'side'.

Get proof son is being emotionally abused.

This means expert testimony from a psychiatrist.

Not well meaning conjecture and not your opinion. Son's teacher is a mandated reporter. Ask her "If you believe son is abused, why have you not informed anyone?"

It irritates me none of the teachers (since pre-school even) have not said anything to anybody about his well being with his father. Maybe they don't want to deal with the hassle? I know this year though, his teacher has met her limit with him, as she's told me. I know if I could bring this to court she would be able to testify my side, along with all his former teachers. They've all said how they notice a huge difference after he's been with me for a few days.

 

[Silverplum]

It irritates me none of the teachers (since pre-school even) have not said anything to anybody about his well being with his father. Maybe they don't want to deal with the hassle? I know this year though, his teacher has met her limit with him, as she's told me. I know if I could bring this to court she would be able to testify my side, along with all his former teachers. They've all said how they notice a huge difference after he's been with me for a few days.

You have majorly UNrealistic expectations!

Teachers DO NOT get involved between battling exes. And they most assuredly DO NOT go to court to testify on behalf of one parent over the other.

 

[mrsschram27]

You REALLY NEED an attorney's help with this.

For instance: DO you have JOINT LEGAL custody? If not, your plan to take your child to a counselor is fruitless -- you have no legal right to do so.

We do have joint legal custody, I was at least that smart, just not smart enough. I know I need an attorney, but I've been quoted $5000 and I don't have nearly that amount. This is why I've been so frustrated with the legal system. The thought of my son being the most aggravated child his teacher has ever seen scares me. If I can't get help now, I'm afraid he'll turn up one bitter messed up kid. Columbine....it's a wonder how the system ignores cases like these.

 

[mrsschram27]

You have majorly UNrealistic expectations!

Teachers DO NOT get involved between battling exes. And they most assuredly DO NOT go to court to testify on behalf of one parent over the other.

I don't see it as "battling exes." We get along for the most part, I see it as a child safety issue, it has NOTHING to do with the two of us, but with what 's going on with our son because of the negative influence from his father. Again it's what I don't understand, if a teacher HAS to report physical abuse why are my expectations so UNrealistic? This is mental and emotional abuse, they should all be treated one in the same. How do you define " battling exes?" Especially when the teacher will call me instead of his father when there is a problem, aren't they siding then? When its dad's day to have him, they know this, and yet they still prefer me over him? They don't want to deal with his dad. He's going to our son's parent teacher meeting (first one he's ever attended) and the teacher told me the counselor and principal will also be attending, just in case**************

 

[Silverplum]

I don't see it as "battling exes." We get along for the most part, I see it as a child safety issue, it has NOTHING to do with the two of us, but with what 's going on with our son because of the negative influence from his father. Again it's what I don't understand, if a teacher HAS to report physical abuse why are my expectations so UNrealistic? This is mental and emotional abuse, they should all be treated one in the same. How do you define " battling exes?" Especially when the teacher will call me instead of his father when there is a problem, aren't they siding then? When its dad's day to have him, they know this, and yet they still prefer me over him?

They must REPORT suspected physical abuse. That doesn't mean they must go to court and testify in a CUSTODY hearing. That's a whole 'nother can of worms, along with your insistence that the whole definition of "teacher" and "abuse" must be redefined to mean whatever you want them to mean.

I myself have flatly refused to testify in other people's cases. It's a mess, and it's not MY mess. My H is a teacher, and he routinely refuses...and he is asked frequently.

 

[onebreath]

My experience with child abuse, talking with CPS about suspected abuse, etc., is there are still different definitions of abuse out there. CPS picked up a case where my child was rammed against furniture, held and hurt. There were no marks....she reported it at school to her teacher and I suspect only because I had been in touch with CPS for over two years for various weird misbehaviors, they finally decided to take it up. I was suprised CPS took it up, as I said, there were no marks on her body. And I don't expect CPS to do much...they may recommend a parenting class or counseling to the dad...

So there are different criteria depending on who you are talking to and where you live what constitutes chid abuse. I think most people agree that that emotional and mental abuse can be as devastating if not more so, as physical abuse. However, how does one prove it? Its harder to prove, and I think, there aren't as many "system tools" in place as to repurcussions and accountability for the parents in this...it falls into go to counseling...

Thats what I would suggest, hopefully the child will continue with the school counselor even if you've not had success in the past. I know what its like to not have success in a big way, with real child development problems due to parenting issues...but its important to keep speaking up...keep showing up (I'm talking largely the child here), and I would try to afford to get him in to see a GOOD child counselor, really research first. Do this in addition to the school counselor...build up every advocate you can FOR YOUR SON. Someone good will see the problem, and either make recommendations to the father, or give their professional opinion if you wind up in family law court ordered mediation.

It would be ideal if you could find more money and with a good attorney get a judge to grant a full fledged psychological evaluation. A really good one will see these issues, make recommendations to the court as to visitation, custody, special needs, whatever. Mega expensive...but that person WILL talk to all the pertinent people involved in the childs life, plus talk to the child, plus observe father with the child.

I know that is probably out of the question...but just to let you know thats a route. Otherwise, stick to counseling and whenever YOU suspect child abuse, call CPS....I don't want to sound like its been casual...but they have been super helpful to me just discussing my concerns on the phone, even if they didn't open an investigation. Later, I found I was glad I had sincerely called in when I had, and reports were made in daughters file. So I have not found it is penalizing to call when you are uncomfortable with something dad is doing, and want to check it out.