Absent Biological Father and Custody Battle

[charcharteska]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Nevada.

I suppose I should start out with some background information.

My daughter is 2 and a half years old. Her biological father is not on her birth certificate nor has he filed an Affidavit of Paternity or anything similar.
We dated for about eight months prior to my pregnancy during a really tough time in my life. When I was three months pregnant, I started dating another wonderful
man whom I am now married to. During my pregnancy, the biological father did not buy my daughter a single thing and he only went to a couple of appointments. In fact,
I didn't have a car at the time and often had to ask family members for rides because he would call me an hour or two before the appointment and say that he cannot make it.
He did come and see her when she was born briefly. For the first 6 months of her life, he came to see her and paid an agreed upon amount for child support.
He often came to see her when he was either drunk or after he had been smoking marijuana. He also acquired a DUI during this time and lost his license.

After the first 6 months, he went 6 months without contacting and then wanted to see her for Christmas. I agreed but he did not show up for Christmas, ignored phone calls,
and only showed up 2 or 3 days later with a gift. After that, he went another 6 months without contacting and wanted to see her for her birthday. I once again agreed, and
he saw her for about an hour for her birthday supervised. 6 months after that, he texted for Christmas at 5 PM but did not request visitation.

By this point, I was really tired of how he was acting and being so inconsistent with his visitations. He also had not paid me anything since 6 months after she was born
or really bought her anything at all. His family sometimes came to see her and I never denied them visitation, either. Finally, after another 6 months of him not contacting,
I requested for him to terminate his parental rights. This was mostly due to the fact that my daughter now views my husband as her "Da-Da". This is completely justified because
he has been the one supporting her, taking care of her including feeding and changing diapers, and living with her for her whole life. He was even there when she was born
and spent the whole time in the hospital with us. So, I wanted him to officially adopt her.

After consulting an attorney, I was told that it was completely fine to deny him visitation since he was not on the birth certificate and he had no legal rights nor did he pay child support,
so I finally told him that I felt it was in her best interests that he not see her anymore. He then started saying that the only reason he was not involved was because
I never let him see her, and that he was tired of all the fighting when he did see her. It's true that we did fight a lot and I was often really angry because he did not buy anything for her,
he bought a 2-seater car that could not hold a car seat at all for her, and he went 6 months between contact all the time. But, I never told him he couldn't see her besides that one time most recently when I told him I wanted my husband to adopt her.

ANYWAY. That is the time line, and now her biological father filed a petition to establish paternity, child support, and requested 50/50 joint custody - physical and legal. After I got the papers, I did text him because he would not talk to me on the phone and tried to talk to him about it. I told him I would agree to visitation to keep it out of court so it would be less stressful on everybody, but he refused to talk about anything but joint physical and legal custody.
He also said that he is getting married now, buying a place so he doesn't live with his mother anymore, and that his wife will be watching my daughter when he is working full time. Oh, and also that his girlfriend has two cars suitable for a car seat so it "doesn't matter" that he bought a car that couldn't hold one.

Now, I just don't see how that is possibly healthy. I am a full-time college student who takes online classes and I work part time from home so I ALWAYS am able to be in the house watching my daughter. My husband doesn't work at all, and also goes to college online. Also, I am really concerned about the fact that he already wants to throw my daughter in with his new girlfriend when he doesn't even know his daughter himself. He has been working for a long time and yet never even offered me money and he didn't even buy my daughter a birthday present or Christmas present.

My husband and I also own our own house, and provide a really stable environment for our child. I admit that I don't make as much financially as her biological father, but that's because I am a full time college student and don't have the time to dedicate 40 hours a week to my job yet.

I also know for a fact that he still smokes marijuana and I'm really worried about his drinking because he seemed to think nothing was wrong with showing up that way to visit her, so it makes me think he won't think it's wrong to do it around her, either. So, I really do fear for the safety of my child. I want to really push a drug test in court. Now, I know this will lay some suspicion on me, too - that I was with him so I must have done stuff, too. And that's true - I did, but I quit when I got pregnant with the drinking and smoking and that's a big reason that him and I broke up. I will be happy to be drug tested but I really just want him drug tested before visitations.

Anyway, this is where I am now. My husband and I have gotten an attorney, but it's going to be a really expensive process that we can't afford. We have to borrow money to afford it. I don't think he will be able to afford an attorney, either. My main concern, of course, is for my daughter's safety mentally and physically. Since her biological father has been absent, she really does know my husband as her father and he considers himself to be her father. I can't imagine how confused she will be to have this other man come into her life and demand that he is her father - not to mention his new girlfriend.

I'm not sure what I want to ask, really. Just....I have looked up many considerations into child custody, and I just want some opinions on my case outside of my husband and I/our attorney. Will a judge understand the physical/emotional problems this could cause our child? Will my income being lower matter? All of those questions and more. Just any advice or opinions would be great.

If you read all of that, thanks so much.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Nevada.

I suppose I should start out with some background information.

My daughter is 2 and a half years old. Her biological father is not on her birth certificate nor has he filed an Affidavit of Paternity or anything similar.
We dated for about eight months prior to my pregnancy during a really tough time in my life. When I was three months pregnant, I started dating another wonderful
man whom I am now married to. During my pregnancy, the biological father did not buy my daughter a single thing and he only went to a couple of appointments. In fact,
I didn't have a car at the time and often had to ask family members for rides because he would call me an hour or two before the appointment and say that he cannot make it.
He did come and see her when she was born briefly. For the first 6 months of her life, he came to see her and paid an agreed upon amount for child support.
He often came to see her when he was either drunk or after he had been smoking marijuana. He also acquired a DUI during this time and lost his license.

He wasn't legally obligated to pay a single red cent without a court order in place.

After the first 6 months, he went 6 months without contacting and then wanted to see her for Christmas. I agreed but he did not show up for Christmas, ignored phone calls,
and only showed up 2 or 3 days later with a gift. After that, he went another 6 months without contacting and wanted to see her for her birthday. I once again agreed, and
he saw her for about an hour for her birthday supervised. 6 months after that, he texted for Christmas at 5 PM but did not request visitation.

By this point, I was really tired of how he was acting and being so inconsistent with his visitations. He also had not paid me anything since 6 months after she was born

Is there actually an order for child support in place? Alas, many parents are inconsistent. That's often just how it goes.

or really bought her anything at all. His family sometimes came to see her and I never denied them visitation, either. Finally, after another 6 months of him not contacting,
I requested for him to terminate his parental rights. This was mostly due to the fact that my daughter now views my husband as her "Da-Da". This is completely justified because
he has been the one supporting her, taking care of her including feeding and changing diapers, and living with her for her whole life. He was even there when she was born
and spent the whole time in the hospital with us. So, I wanted him to officially adopt her.

Not happening without Dad being involved. And this ^^^ is where it's going to hurt you.

After consulting an attorney, I was told that it was completely fine to deny him visitation since he was not on the birth certificate and he had no legal rights nor did he pay child support,

He was never ordered to pay though - correct?

so I finally told him that I felt it was in her best interests that he not see her anymore.

That wasn't a wise move. At. All.

He then started saying that the only reason he was not involved was because
I never let him see her, and that he was tired of all the fighting when he did see her. It's true that we did fight a lot and I was often really angry because he did not buy anything for her,

He's setting the stage very well.

he bought a 2-seater car that could not hold a car seat at all for her, and he went 6 months between contact all the time. But, I never told him he couldn't see her besides that one time most recently when I told him I wanted my husband to adopt her.

Y'know, I'll predict what's going to happen here. Dad will file for visitation and child support, he'll play up the fact that you're alienating from his child by letting her call your husband Da-Da and he'll tell the court that you told him not to see her anymore... and worse, you're trying to get rid of him in favor of your new husband.

How much truth is in that, I have no idea. But he'll play it up.

ANYWAY. That is the time line, and now her biological father filed a petition to establish paternity, child support, and requested 50/50 joint custody - physical and legal. After I got the papers, I did text him because he would not talk to me on the phone and tried to talk to him about it. I told him I would agree to visitation to keep it out of court so it would be less stressful on everybody, but he refused to talk about anything but joint physical and legal custody.
He also said that he is getting married now, buying a place so he doesn't live with his mother anymore, and that his wife will be watching my daughter when he is working full time. Oh, and also that his girlfriend has two cars suitable for a car seat so it "doesn't matter" that he bought a car that couldn't hold one.

He'll buy a seat the very second he's gotten a court order. And he's being extremely smart here.

Now, I just don't see how that is possibly healthy. I am a full-time college student who takes online classes and I work part time from home so I ALWAYS am able to be in the house watching my daughter. My husband doesn't work at all, and also goes to college online. Also, I am really concerned about the fact that he already wants to throw my daughter in with his new girlfriend when he doesn't even know his daughter himself. He has been working for a long time and yet never even offered me money and he didn't even buy my daughter a birthday present or Christmas present.

None of that is relevant.

My husband and I also own our own house, and provide a really stable environment for our child. I admit that I don't make as much financially as her biological father, but that's because I am a full time college student and don't have the time to dedicate 40 hours a week to my job yet.

I also know for a fact that he still smokes marijuana and I'm really worried about his drinking because he seemed to think nothing was wrong with showing up that way to visit her, so it makes me think he won't think it's wrong to do it around her, either. So, I really do fear for the safety of my child. I want to really push a drug test in court. Now, I know this will lay some suspicion on me, too - that I was with him so I must have done stuff, too. And that's true - I did, but I quit when I got pregnant with the drinking and smoking and that's a big reason that him and I broke up. I will be happy to be drug tested but I really just want him drug tested before visitations.

You are on a very slippery path here. How exactly are you going to provide the court with evidence of his drug use?.

Anyway, this is where I am now. My husband and I have gotten an attorney, but it's going to be a really expensive process that we can't afford. We have to borrow money to afford it. I don't think he will be able to afford an attorney, either. My main concern, of course, is for my daughter's safety mentally and physically. Since her biological father has been absent, she really does know my husband as her father and he considers himself to be her father. I can't imagine how confused she will be to have this other man come into her life and demand that he is her father - not to mention his new girlfriend.

Then you're going to have to explain who Dad is. Better late than never.

I'm not sure what I want to ask, really. Just....I have looked up many considerations into child custody, and I just want some opinions on my case outside of my husband and I/our attorney. Will a judge understand the physical/emotional problems this could cause our child? Will my income being lower matter? All of those questions and more. Just any advice or opinions would be great.

If you read all of that, thanks so much.

The best thing you can do from this point, is accept that he's going to be around your mutual child.

Now that you've read all that, I imagine you're less than happy about it. Understand though, that what I've written is what I'm predicting Dad will do. And yes, he has a right to do that.

 

[Eekamouse]

Your husband is NOT your child's father and the only person who is guilty of confusing the child is YOU.

 

[charcharteska]

Yeah, it is true that there was no court ordered child support in place. That's mostly because his paternity had never been established - although we both know that he is her biological father. However, there was also no "legal" visitation schedule in place. Since I let him visit her, I think that he should have paid. I mean, you can't have all of the *good* parts of being a parent without having the financial responsibility, too. Kids cost a lot of money. I know this is all about legality, but I wish it could also be about what is required morally.

As for "alienating" him, I don't know. I've often wondered whether the actions I was taking were correct, but parenthood has no clear cut answers. I see what you mean about him playing that up in court. I can see that happening, and I see how he is already doing it by saying that I "never" let him see her. I just think that no father is better than one that is so inconsistent to come around once or twice a year. My intention was never to alienate him, though.

I was hoping to be able to get the court to drug test him. Although I don't have any substantial proof of his alcohol and drug abuse BEYOND the DUI and criminal charges he has from when she was 6 months old, I'm not lying when I say that he showed up high/drunk to see her. I'm hoping that the judge will be able to see that, and my word alone will be enough to cause suspension. He also used to sell, but I don't think I could get the testimony of anybody he sold to simply because they wouldn't want to incriminate themselves.

I just wanted to give her the family that I always wished that I had. At first, I imagined that it could be with her biological father, even if we weren't together. As time went on, I started to realize that he was not going to mature and his visiting was so inconsistent that she didn't even know who he was when he visited. Although I told her that my husband was her "Da-Da", the emotional bond they have was completely created independently.

Through this, I honestly thought that he would be willing to give up his parental rights. I just didn't see that he cared about her at all. The court papers themselves came as quite a shock. I think that, yes, I need to expect that he will be a part of her life now. I know that, either way I go, he will be granted supervised visitation at the very least.

I think the alienation part of what you said is honestly something I had not thought of. Really, I couldn't imagine a way he could make us look bad in court or twist our actions, but that is certainly a way. I'm just not sure whether the judge will see through that, or agree with it.

 

[charcharteska]

And to Eekamouse,

I suppose it depends on how you define "father". If you define it as having half of the genetic material, I suppose he isn't. If you define it as having an emotional bond, knowing and taking care of the child, providing for the child financially, and all that, then he is more of a father to her than her "biological" father. Like I said, it wasn't something that came on suddenly. He was there at the hospital when she was born, and I didn't pressure my child into having that emotional connection.

Admittedly, I did tell her that he was her "Da-Da". Plenty of people in this world place emphasis on feelings rather than biology - it's what every adoptive parent does. I don't think I'm a bad person - a bad parent - for taking the cues from her biological father that I THOUGHT were pretty obvious that he didn't want to be involved and fostering the emotional bond that she was beginning to have with the man who is now my husband.

Of course, now that this has come along, it certainly complicates things. I definitely feel bad for her having that confusion. I just never really expected it to come to this.

How many chances do you, Eekamouse, think a biological father should have? A million? Endless? Forever? How much emotional turmoil should the child have to face before enough is enough? How many mothers have to bare the burden of supporting a child financially alone while the father gets to act single and childless for a half a year or a year at a time and then just come back for a week or two when he feels like something different?

I don't know - I think it stops when it begins to hurt my child. When he didn't show up for Christmas, that was the first point I began to imagine the devastation she would feel in the future when he did that. It was the first point I began to dislike him - not even for me, but because of the way he was presenting himself.

I wanted something better for her..

However, if you seem to believe that the confusion she feels is MY fault, then I am certain that (at least) SOME judges would feel the same way.

 

[Proserpina]

Yeah, it is true that there was no court ordered child support in place. That's mostly because his paternity had never been established - although we both know that he is her biological father. However, there was also no "legal" visitation schedule in place. Since I let him visit her, I think that he should have paid. I mean, you can't have all of the *good* parts of being a parent without having the financial responsibility, too. Kids cost a lot of money. I know this is all about legality, but I wish it could also be about what is required morally.

In a perfect world, it wouldn't need a court order. But it is what it is.

As for "alienating" him, I don't know. I've often wondered whether the actions I was taking were correct, but parenthood has no clear cut answers. I see what you mean about him playing that up in court. I can see that happening, and I see how he is already doing it by saying that I "never" let him see her. I just think that no father is better than one that is so inconsistent to come around once or twice a year. My intention was never to alienate him, though.

The court doesn't agree with you. For the most part, a parent can be a lousy, good-for-nothing inconsistent twit. And conversely, a custodial parent can also act like a twit and retain their status as CP.

I was hoping to be able to get the court to drug test him. Although I don't have any substantial proof of his alcohol and drug abuse BEYOND the DUI and criminal charges he has from when she was 6 months old, I'm not lying when I say that he showed up high/drunk to see her. I'm hoping that the judge will be able to see that, and my word alone will be enough to cause suspension. He also used to sell, but I don't think I could get the testimony of anybody he sold to simply because they wouldn't want to incriminate themselves.

You'll need evidence of something before they'll order a drug test. You say he's using, he says he's not. And even if it was an issue, neither pot nor alcohol are a big issue unless they threaten the welfare of the child.

I just wanted to give her the family that I always wished that I had. At first, I imagined that it could be with her biological father, even if we weren't together. As time went on, I started to realize that he was not going to mature and his visiting was so inconsistent that she didn't even know who he was when he visited. Although I told her that my husband was her "Da-Da", the emotional bond they have was completely created independently.

I'm sure (and that's not snark).

Through this, I honestly thought that he would be willing to give up his parental rights. I just didn't see that he cared about her at all. The court papers themselves came as quite a shock. I think that, yes, I need to expect that he will be a part of her life now. I know that, either way I go, he will be granted supervised visitation at the very least.

That's really the only thing you can do. But...I'm not done yet...

I think the alienation part of what you said is honestly something I had not thought of. Really, I couldn't imagine a way he could make us look bad in court or twist our actions, but that is certainly a way. I'm just not sure whether the judge will see through that, or agree with it.

If Dad is playing the alienation card, he may need to explain exactly how many times he's tried to pursue legal avenues and - given that it's zero - an allegation of alienation or forced abandonment may not have as much impact as was first thought. Then again, it can be an absolute non-issue, depending on how the courts tend to rule in your location. Either way, it won't change things much.

As a purely practical matter, have a look at OurFamilyWizard. The last time I looked it was $99/per person/per year ... but it can be an excellent tool to reduce conflict.

 

[Eekamouse]

And to Eekamouse,

I suppose it depends on how you define "father". If you define it as having half of the genetic material, I suppose he isn't. If you define it as having an emotional bond, knowing and taking care of the child, providing for the child financially, and all that, then he is more of a father to her than her "biological" father. Like I said, it wasn't something that came on suddenly. He was there at the hospital when she was born, and I didn't pressure my child into having that emotional connection.

Admittedly, I did tell her that he was her "Da-Da". Plenty of people in this world place emphasis on feelings rather than biology - it's what every adoptive parent does. I don't think I'm a bad person - a bad parent - for taking the cues from her biological father that I THOUGHT were pretty obvious that he didn't want to be involved and fostering the emotional bond that she was beginning to have with the man who is now my husband.

Of course, now that this has come along, it certainly complicates things. I definitely feel bad for her having that confusion. I just never really expected it to come to this.

How many chances do you, Eekamouse, think a biological father should have? A million? Endless? Forever? How much emotional turmoil should the child have to face before enough is enough? How many mothers have to bare the burden of supporting a child financially alone while the father gets to act single and childless for a half a year or a year at a time and then just come back for a week or two when he feels like something different?

I don't know - I think it stops when it begins to hurt my child. When he didn't show up for Christmas, that was the first point I began to imagine the devastation she would feel in the future when he did that. It was the first point I began to dislike him - not even for me, but because of the way he was presenting himself.

I wanted something better for her..

However, if you seem to believe that the confusion she feels is MY fault, then I am certain that (at least) SOME judges would feel the same way.

Hey, you CHOSE him to be her father when you had her. You don't get to go back and change that now because he isn't living up to YOUR expectations. He is still her dad. Better get used to that. You aren't making things easier for her by what you're doing. She is too young to understand that you're playing games with her reality. She is not going to like it when she gets older and figures out that the dad she thinks is hers is really just your husband.

 

[charcharteska]

Proserpina, thank you for referring me to that program OurFamilyWizard. I think, when it comes to it, it could help to avoid a lot of conflict between us.

I agree that the courts don't really agree with me. I know they use a "Best Interests" for the child standard. I just think it needs to perhaps encompass more than it does.
Also, I know they consider who has been the primary caretaker, so I am hoping that a judge will see that my husband and I have BOTH been her primary caretaker.

It makes me REALLY sad that smoking pot isn't considered highly unless it affects the child. It's still illegal here so, in my mind, just the fact that it's illegal
should make ANY use of it detrimental to a child custody case. I have heard similar things elsewhere, though. I think the fact that he came to see her while under
the influence is enough to claim that it is detrimental to her, though. Hopefully. It clearly proves that he has no problem doing it around her. And, honestly, if marijuana was legal,
I would be fine with him using as long as it wasn't when he had my daughter. I drink very rarely but never around my daughter, so I would consider it the same thing, I guess.

Now that you say that about the alienation thing, I think I agree with you. He has never pursued legal avenues which is the same thing as saying that he's okay with the situation.
It has been 2.5 years, and a judge may wonder why he never sought custody or established paternity before. In fact, he basically waited for me to say I wanted to
terminate his parental rights to do it. Except, not even that, since it's been 6 months since I even said that. I wonder how much of this has to deal with the woman he is
marrying, actually.

I know that judges are generally smart, and that's how they become judges in the first place. I just hope that they can also be good judges of character

 

[charcharteska]

Eekamouse, I see what you're saying. I guess I didn't really "choose" him to be her father. I was a pretty horrible person before I got pregnant. It honestly holds little to no weight that I got naked with him because I got naked with lots of guys - it didn't really matter to me. In addition, like I said, the reason I know how much he smokes and drinks every day is because I was right there doing it with him. Sounds horrible, but there it is.

The difference is that I got pregnant and cleaned up. My daughter saved me from what would have been a very horrible life if I kept going where I was. He didn't clean up, though. For 2.5 years, he has been choosing to make the same bad decisions that, if I would have been made, there's a chance I would have had my daughter taken away, too. A pretty good one, actually. I don't think that these are only my "expectations", but also the expectations of the law to an extent and the expectations of any person with common sense who has a child.

Thank goodness, if he does clean up, she is also too young to remember the person he used to be. However, if he doesn't, she will be old enough to understand that her "father" doesn't care enough about her to text or call more than twice a year, and show up straight from the bar with whatever girlfriend he has at the time. And I say that because he has wanted to bring more than just this girl around my daughter - pretty much any love interest he has had during the rare times he did want to come see her.

To make things worse, she apparently won't even be able to look at the man who is consistent with her as her father, because that would be wrong and mess with her reality. In fact, all adopted children should stop looking at their adoptive parents as their moms or dads because, clearly, their biological parents "chose" to have them at one point or another.

I'd hope that, when she is older, and if her biological father keeps acting this way, she would be elated and feel pretty awesome that a man who had no obligation to her chose to love her as his own, anyway. And that, to her, the blood would matter little compared to the memories and bonds she had.

Of course, that's all assuming that her biological father keeps acting the way he has in the past. Perhaps he really did clean up his act. In that case, I don't really think he still has a right to her since he did it 2.5 years later, but the law does so I will have to deal with it. And, honestly, as long as he is consistent, loving, and a good father, then that's what should matter to me. There's still the issue of her calling my husband and whom I consider to be her Dad at this point "Dada", too, of course.

Luckily, she is 2 years old so that could be changed slowly if need be. As always, I appreciate any opinion even if it conflicts with my own. In fact, conflicting opinions just make me think about the situation in a new light.

But I would ask, Eekamouse...At this point, what would you have her call my husband? Perhaps a different name for "Dada" that essentially means the same thing? That way she wouldn't get the names confused. Do you know of any good ones?

Of course, then I would have to expect that he might have her call his wife something like "Mama", too. Haha. As long as it wasn't really "Mama", though. I mean, I guess I should just be happy (if that happens) that my daughter would essentially have two families that loved her dearly when most kids only get to have one, right?

 

[Proserpina]

Proserpina, thank you for referring me to that program OurFamilyWizard. I think, when it comes to it, it could help to avoid a lot of conflict between us.

I agree that the courts don't really agree with me. I know they use a "Best Interests" for the child standard. I just think it needs to perhaps encompass more than it does.
Also, I know they consider who has been the primary caretaker, so I am hoping that a judge will see that my husband and I have BOTH been her primary caretaker.

Mention your husband at your own peril. No matter what though, it wouldn't change the fact that even if you're awarded primary, this doesn't take away Dad's rights.

It makes me REALLY sad that smoking pot isn't considered highly unless it affects the child. It's still illegal here so, in my mind, just the fact that it's illegal
should make ANY use of it detrimental to a child custody case. I have heard similar things elsewhere, though. I think the fact that he came to see her while under
the influence is enough to claim that it is detrimental to her, though. Hopefully. It clearly proves that he has no problem doing it around her. And, honestly, if marijuana was legal,
I would be fine with him using as long as it wasn't when he had my daughter. I drink very rarely but never around my daughter, so I would consider it the same thing, I guess.

Ah - that's two sides of the same coin you're holding. You're essentially saying that it's the illegality you're bothered about - not the possible consequences.

sow that you say that about the alienation thing, I think I agree with you. He has never pursued legal avenues which is the same thing as saying that he's okay with the situation.
It has been 2.5 years, and a judge may wonder why he never sought custody or established paternity before. In fact, he basically waited for me to say I wanted to
terminate his parental rights to do it. Except, not even that, since it's been 6 months since I even said that. I wonder how much of this has to deal with the woman he is
marrying, actually.

That last sentence? Ooooh it wouldn't surprise me one teeny inkling if this is being "pushed" by his new/latest woman.

I know that judges are generally smart, and that's how they become judges in the first place. I just hope that they can also be good judges of character

The judge can be absolutely disgusted with your ex...it's just not going to mean a darned thing when all's said and done. He'll get visitation, and you're all going to have a period of adjustment.

 

[charcharteska]

To be honest,

If I chose to be inconsistent and barely available in my child's life, I would be happy if another woman came along and decided to give her all the things that I couldn't or wouldn't. So that she could have the comfort of having that bond, and have someone to lean on in the same way that she would have leaned on me. Of course, I didn't do that but I am just saying - IF I did. It's not about my "rights" because a child's emotional security and well-being matters much more than any rights a parent has, especially if they choose to abuse those rights.

Of course, this isn't a philosophical discussion. This is a forum for legal advice.

Of which Eeekamouse hasn't really given me any or any opinion on the situation beyond the fact that my daughter calls my husband "Dada".

If you have any to share, I'd be glad to read and consider.

 

[Proserpina]

Eekamouse, I see what you're saying. I guess I didn't really "choose" him to be her father. I was a pretty horrible person before I got pregnant. It honestly holds little to no weight that I got naked with him because I got naked with lots of guys - it didn't really matter to me. In addition, like I said, the reason I know how much he smokes and drinks every day is because I was right there doing it with him. Sounds horrible, but there it is.

The difference is that I got pregnant and cleaned up. My daughter saved me from what would have been a very horrible life if I kept going where I was. He didn't clean up, though. For 2.5 years, he has been choosing to make the same bad decisions that, if I would have been made, there's a chance I would have had my daughter taken away, too. A pretty good one, actually. I don't think that these are only my "expectations", but also the expectations of the law to an extent and the expectations of any person with common sense who has a child.

Thank goodness, if he does clean up, she is also too young to remember the person he used to be. However, if he doesn't, she will be old enough to understand that her "father" doesn't care enough about her to text or call more than twice a year, and show up straight from the bar with whatever girlfriend he has at the time. And I say that because he has wanted to bring more than just this girl around my daughter - pretty much any love interest he has had during the rare times he did want to come see her.

To make things worse, she apparently won't even be able to look at the man who is consistent with her as her father, because that would be wrong and mess with her reality. In fact, all adopted children should stop looking at their adoptive parents as their moms or dads because, clearly, their biological parents "chose" to have them at one point or another.

Okay, THAT is incorrect and you know it. An adoptive parent IS A LEGAL PARENT. That is NOT your situation.

I'd hope that, when she is older, and if her biological father keeps acting this way, she would be elated and feel pretty awesome that a man who had no obligation to her chose to love her as his own, anyway. And that, to her, the blood would matter little compared to the memories and bonds she had.

There's absolutely no reason why she cannot retain those bonds.

Of course, that's all assuming that her biological father keeps acting the way he has in the past. Perhaps he really did clean up his act. In that case, I don't really think he still has a right to her since he did it 2.5 years later, but the law does so I will have to deal with it. And, honestly, as long as he is consistent, loving, and a good father, then that's what should matter to me. There's still the issue of her calling my husband and whom I consider to be her Dad at this point "Dada", too, of course.

Speaking both as a stepparent and a stepchild, the man I recognize as my Dad did not adopt me and there's no blood tie. Purely a step relationship. My biological father? Well, he gets the title because it's the legal title - but this doesn't mean I must put him first on my list. There is nothing wrong with such a relationship as long as the biological parent isn't being slighted as a result (and even then....).

Luckily, she is 2 years old so that could be changed slowly if need be. As always, I appreciate any opinion even if it conflicts with my own. In fact, conflicting opinions just make me think about the situation in a new light.

But I would ask, Eekamouse...At this point, what would you have her call my husband? Perhaps a different name for "Dada" that essentially means the same thing? That way she wouldn't get the names confused. Do you know of any good ones?

I'm not even going to touch that one.... (and for good reason)

Of course, then I would have to expect that he might have her call his wife something like "Mama", too. Haha. As long as it wasn't really "Mama", though. I mean, I guess I should just be happy (if that happens) that my daughter would essentially have two families that loved her dearly when most kids only get to have one, right?

Yup

 

[charcharteska]

Proserpina,

Yeah, I see what you're saying. No matter what happens, it boils down to the same thing; he IS going to get visitation and all of us are going to have to deal with it, basically.
This may actually be a better thing for us legally, and maybe it should have happened a long time ago.

I do think his fiance is influencing his decisions a really strong amount. Which makes think me that, if she gets pregnant at any point in the future (which is VERY likely), the tables may turn a bit.

This way, if he messes up by not showing up for visitations, or showing up drunk or high - I can write a court report about it. With the program you showed me, I can keep really
accurate records of everything that happens. I just don't see him being consistent with any type of schedule he gets at all, and that's mostly because of what he has shown me in the past.

At any point, would a court terminate his rights if he continued to mess up under court order?

And, at this point, what do you think are the chances of him getting 50/50 legal custody and visitation? I know that is pretty standard for the judges to award and, honestly,
I would trust him with things such as medical decisions because he isn't a monster or anything. It's just there are certain things such as education that I had made decisions on up until this point,
and I don't think he would agree with the decisions I made.

I know the standard for visitation is to award 20% parenting time, I think. I really want to push 15% after a period of 2 or 3 months with supervised visits to allow them to build a relationship, and 15% would be roughly 4-5 days a months or 1 day overnight a week and an evening. I really hate alternating holidays, of course, because it means that half of holidays will be miserable for one of us, so I'd also like to push SHARED holidays. Like, he gets her half the day, and I get her the other half, or something like that.

I would be more comfortable with 15% parenting time - at least until she is older. Like, around 5 or 6 and then we could consider 20% or even 30% if he proved consistent and my daughter wanted to spend more time with him.

 

[charcharteska]

Yeah, adoptive parents do have a situation unique from the situation that I am in right now. Maybe it was going too far to say that. I only meant that...well, biology certainly
isn't everything. Not even close.

You're right. This doesn't change the bonds that they have. I'm actually happy to hear from a person who was in a similar situation as the child. The only thing a biological father is, yeah, legality. And there's plenty of laws that I don't agree with. It's really, really nice to hear that you overcame that title personally and realized who put you first in their life.

Although, I am curious as to why you won't touch that subject about what she should call him. Would there be a problem with her calling him something similar to "Dada" without it being "Dada"?

Honestly, I'd be elated for her to have a giant family. That's something I always wished I had as a child. Unfortunately, I just don't see it happening. I see this causing her more emotional turmoil and forcing her to "grow up", essentially, faster than I would like - in that she will have to accept some worldly truths about people before it's really fair to have to do so.

 

[Proserpina]

Yeah, adoptive parents do have a situation unique from the situation that I am in right now. Maybe it was going too far to say that. I only meant that...well, biology certainly
isn't everything. Not even close.

You're right. This doesn't change the bonds that they have. I'm actually happy to hear from a person who was in a similar situation as the child. The only thing a biological father is, yeah, legality. And there's plenty of laws that I don't agree with. It's really, really nice to hear that you overcame that title personally and realized who put you first in their life.

Although, I am curious as to why you won't touch that subject about what she should call him. Would there be a problem with her calling him something similar to "Dada" without it being "Dada"?

Honestly, I'd be elated for her to have a giant family. That's something I always wished I had as a child. Unfortunately, I just don't see it happening. I see this causing her more emotional turmoil and forcing her to "grow up", essentially, faster than I would like - in that she will have to accept some worldly truths about people before it's really fair to have to do so.

Here we go then.

I personally called my stepfather, "Dad". He was the guy who raised me. My biological father is still, of course, my father. I call him Dad too - even though we have only sporadic contact.

Many, if not most, do think it's a huge upset when a stepparent is called "Mom" or "Dad". I have no problem with it myself, unless the other parent makes a big deal out of it.

I was about 8 (from memory) when I was told that I had two Dads. Didn't jump off a cliff, didn't die, and my legs never fell off. It was such a non-issue even then.

I realize that my situation ain't yours. But honestly? I don't think it results in losing custody nearly as often as we might believe. It can, sure. Specially if the NCP is trying to prove alienation.