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advice on changing custody

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rmalloy98

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California.

I am trying to find out options for changing from 50/50.to having full custody so I can take my daughter to another state.

I have been divorced for a year now and it has been nothing but problems. I pay everything, when I am not at work or school I am with my daughter etc...

Today we had an arguement and I was assualted. She scratched my face all over after hitting me several times in front of our daughter. She went to jail. I do not want myself or my daughter in this kind of environment. She sees this with us and her agrandparents are the same then she acts like it or will be a victim as well I feel.

I was told to get a restraining order, but I did not. I am not sure why. I feel lime I should just give it one more try and see, but I then feel like it is only a matter of time...

I want full custody of my daughter. Ideally, I would like to be able to take her back to where I am from. Is this possible with situations like this? I do not know what to.
 


Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California.

I am trying to find out options for changing from 50/50.to having full custody so I can take my daughter to another state.

I have been divorced for a year now and it has been nothing but problems. I pay everything, when I am not at work or school I am with my daughter etc...

Today we had an arguement and I was assualted. She scratched my face all over after hitting me several times in front of our daughter. She went to jail. I do not want myself or my daughter in this kind of environment. She sees this with us and her agrandparents are the same then she acts like it or will be a victim as well I feel.

I was told to get a restraining order, but I did not. I am not sure why. I feel lime I should just give it one more try and see, but I then feel like it is only a matter of time...

I want full custody of my daughter. Ideally, I would like to be able to take her back to where I am from. Is this possible with situations like this? I do not know what to.
Honestly? Your chances aren't great. California is generally very moveaway-friendly, but not when the parents have a 50/50 timeshare.

So no charges and no restraining order?
 

rmalloy98

Junior Member
I am not going through with charges, she has a court date, but I am going to go to it as well to let them know I do not want any charges or anything to happen. Things have just gotten worse, we got divorced and now it is getting bad. It started out just a few names here and there, I have been hit in the face a few times, a laptop slammed shut on my hand hard enough that the screen broke, more hitting, in front of my daughter and now I am having my face clawed. I just wanted a report to start to document this for in the future. After talking to several people though, it sounds like what I should be doing is trying to take my daughter out of this environment and not just myself.

No restraining order as well, I am not sure why, like I said several people are telling me I should be getting one and this and that... At this point, I just want peace with it all. I want to know what options I have just in case she keeps going this route. I understand we all have tough times, but this is just not needed regardless.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I am not going through with charges, she has a court date, but I am going to go to it as well to let them know I do not want any charges or anything to happen. Things have just gotten worse, we got divorced and now it is getting bad. It started out just a few names here and there, I have been hit in the face a few times, a laptop slammed shut on my hand hard enough that the screen broke, more hitting, in front of my daughter and now I am having my face clawed. I just wanted a report to start to document this for in the future. After talking to several people though, it sounds like what I should be doing is trying to take my daughter out of this environment and not just myself.

No restraining order as well, I am not sure why, like I said several people are telling me I should be getting one and this and that... At this point, I just want peace with it all. I want to know what options I have just in case she keeps going this route. I understand we all have tough times, but this is just not needed regardless.
And you teach your daughter what about how people treat one another? (hint: hitting, etc. is okay.) It's actually not up to you whether charges are pressed. But a refusal to cooperate tells the court (i.e. the judge who you are going to ask to change custody) that the situation is not as serious as you claim.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
I am not going through with charges, she has a court date, but I am going to go to it as well to let them know I do not want any charges or anything to happen.
That decision will not be yours. In fact, the prosecutor almost certainly is expecting you to recant or ask that nothing happen. About 75% of DV victims do the same thing.

Now, some prosecutors' will ask you to sign a document acknowledging that you do not wish for the suspect to be prosecuted and agreeing to hold the prosecutor and the police harmless for the past action and any future actions that might result when it happens again.

On the other hand, many counties have a pro-prosecution policy and they will follow through anyway. If subpoeaned to court, you will have to appear. It is also possible that the DA or the court will request a protective order that will keep her from you and the children at least until the matter is resolved in court.

Since this case appears to be a felony (PC 273.5 due to the corporal injury you describe) chances are the DA is not going to simply drop it.

Things have just gotten worse, we got divorced and now it is getting bad. It started out just a few names here and there, I have been hit in the face a few times, a laptop slammed shut on my hand hard enough that the screen broke, more hitting, in front of my daughter and now I am having my face clawed. I just wanted a report to start to document this for in the future. After talking to several people though, it sounds like what I should be doing is trying to take my daughter out of this environment and not just myself.
And somehow you think that NOT cooperating with the prosecution is the way to help yourself and your child? Sorry, but once the police get involved, it's out of your hands. It is also very likely that CPS has been notified as well. As such, if you choose not to pursue charges and this happens again, CPS may get involved for your failure to protect the child and continuing to expose her to domestic violence (which is considered a form of child abuse or neglect).
 

rmalloy98

Junior Member
That decision will not be yours. In fact, the prosecutor almost certainly is expecting you to recant or ask that nothing happen. About 75% of DV victims do the same thing.

Now, some prosecutors' will ask you to sign a document acknowledging that you do not wish for the suspect to be prosecuted and agreeing to hold the prosecutor and the police harmless for the past action and any future actions that might result when it happens again.

On the other hand, many counties have a pro-prosecution policy and they will follow through anyway. If subpoeaned to court, you will have to appear. It is also possible that the DA or the court will request a protective order that will keep her from you and the children at least until the matter is resolved in court.

Since this case appears to be a felony (PC 273.5 due to the corporal injury you describe) chances are the DA is not going to simply drop it.


And somehow you think that NOT cooperating with the prosecution is the way to help yourself and your child? Sorry, but once the police get involved, it's out of your hands. It is also very likely that CPS has been notified as well. As such, if you choose not to pursue charges and this happens again, CPS may get involved for your failure to protect the child and continuing to expose her to domestic violence (which is considered a form of child abuse or neglect).
I am cooperating, I never said I wasn't I understand the State is going to press charges, but I am not. They asked me and I said no, I just want it documented. I am and have been cooperating with them the whole time.

I just don't know what to do here, what options I have I mean I wanted to try to get full instead of 50/50 and then leave the State, but now it sounds like that is never even a possibility...
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
I am cooperating, I never said I wasn't I understand the State is going to press charges, but I am not. They asked me and I said no, I just want it documented. I am and have been cooperating with them the whole time.

I just don't know what to do here, what options I have I mean I wanted to try to get full instead of 50/50 and then leave the State, but now it sounds like that is never even a possibility...
What's the charge, Dad? This could mean a world of difference given CDW's clarification and explanation, at least in terms of custody.

But there's one thing you need to understand: you do NOT want the State to assume that your inaction means you're okay with it because it is not outwith the realm of possibility to penalize you for "failure to protect" (or equivalent lingo) so that neither of you end up with custody.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
You want to get "enough" evidence against Mom so that you can leave California for...where?
Your spidey senses are alerted, aren't they?


I want to know what options I have just in case she keeps going this route.
Domestic violence is domestic violence. It's either healthy, or it's not. Planning to take notes "just in case" is not the correct mindset at all, in my opinion.
 

single317dad

Senior Member
Your spidey senses are alerted, aren't they?

Domestic violence is domestic violence. It's either healthy, or it's not. Planning to take notes "just in case" is not the correct mindset at all, in my opinion.
Agreed. OP is handling this very poorly thus far. I'd wager his attitude won't change until one day when he decides to try to defend himself or his child form one of Mom's tirades and ends up locked up and charged himself. Then he'll either become a bitter man who never sees his child again or wise up and start handling this the right way.
 

rmalloy98

Junior Member
What's the charge, Dad? This could mean a world of difference given CDW's clarification and explanation, at least in terms of custody.

But there's one thing you need to understand: you do NOT want the State to assume that your inaction means you're okay with it because it is not outwith the realm of possibility to penalize you for "failure to protect" (or equivalent lingo) so that neither of you end up with custody.
Yes, this is the Dad. How are things different? I really do not want it to end up where she is not with either of us...
 

rmalloy98

Junior Member
Agreed. OP is handling this very poorly thus far. I'd wager his attitude won't change until one day when he decides to try to defend himself or his child form one of Mom's tirades and ends up locked up and charged himself. Then he'll either become a bitter man who never sees his child again or wise up and start handling this the right way.
What do I do then? I feel like what I did was wrong, everyone seems to look and make me feel like I am supposed to just take it and be the punching bag, I am tired of it. I do not want things to get worse. I am told by police and the Lawyer I should be getting a restraining order and all kinds of things. I don't know if this is wrong, but I just don't want it to get worse. I mean if I go through with it and everything and nothing happens, now there is that much more anger towards me.

I am not trying to take notes, I just want to learn so I can make the right decision. I don't want it to get to "that" point and just have no idea what to do.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
What do I do then? I feel like what I did was wrong, everyone seems to look and make me feel like I am supposed to just take it and be the punching bag, I am tired of it. I do not want things to get worse. I am told by police and the Lawyer I should be getting a restraining order and all kinds of things. I don't know if this is wrong, but I just don't want it to get worse. I mean if I go through with it and everything and nothing happens, now there is that much more anger towards me.

I am not trying to take notes, I just want to learn so I can make the right decision. I don't want it to get to "that" point and just have no idea what to do.

Hon you're seriously misreading. I didn't ask whether or not you were Dad. I asked what her actual charges are - because your options regarding moving away may be strongly affected by what happens with the DV.

Nobody here has even come CLOSE to suggesting that you should just take it - we're saying the exact opposite! She's done this before, and it's escalating, and if you stay with her you don't just run the risk of CPS stepping in to protect your child (and they will paint a very, very bad picture of you in court), you also run the risk of eventually making sure there will NEVER be a next time - and by that I mean, you won't be alive to make any decisions at all.

Dad, PLEASE get some help. Go here: http://www.aardvarc.org/ Make an exit plan. GET YOU AND YOUR CHILD OUT OF THERE.

Please don't become a statistic :(
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I mean I wanted to try to get full instead of 50/50 and then leave the State, but now it sounds like that is never even a possibility...
What do you think that will do? Do you expect that Mom will have no visitation? Do you understand that you will more likely have to send the child to Mom for extended periods of time, while you are not close by? Wouldn't it make more sense to stay closer so kiddo has shorter periods of time w/you near. than longer periods with you further away?

You really have not thought this through.
 

rmalloy98

Junior Member
What do you think that will do? Do you expect that Mom will have no visitation? Do you understand that you will more likely have to send the child to Mom for extended periods of time, while you are not close by? Wouldn't it make more sense to stay closer so kiddo has shorter periods of time w/you near. than longer periods with you further away?

You really have not thought this through.
That is why I am here too, I just want to learn so I can make the right choices. What you said makes sense and does not seem like it would be good. I feel like maybe I should just ride it out then? Would it make any sense to start any kind of paperwork, restraining order or anything even if I did not follow through with it now, like in case it happens again?
 

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