Advice on navigating child custody arrangement

[IrishAlexis]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? SC

I'm hoping for some advice from those who have been there and done that.

My ex and I have a 4 year old son who will be beginning to attend Kindergarten in August this year.

Presently our son shares the weeks and weekend's evenly between our homes. We live 30 to 45 minutes car trip apart so he cant really keep this schedule with school.

I teach and wanted our son to attend school where I teach (it's a Catholic school) however my ex objected so I agreed to public school based from my home. Our son will attend school there. The problem we have is regarding schedules. His father wants every weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening, every spring holiday and all except 2 weeks of the summer so he doesn't lose his 50/50. I've explained it's unfair I should never get any non school time with him and he said that's the price I'll pay for having him for school.

I've not agreed and initially offered him 3 of 4 weekend's each month from Friday to Monday morning. He wouldn't agree so I've offered him all 4 weekends Friday evening to Monday morning, but I get any 5th weekend's and additionally have 2 weekend's floating throughout the school year that I may use. He could have any teacher development days. We would share custody evenly on school holidays, summer break, etc. He still won't agree. He said he's unwilling to give me any weekend time during the school year.

What do I do? I dont have the money for a lawyer, it's me and my son on a teachers salary. Has anyone ever had no weekend's with your children during the school year and how has it worked out?

One other issue, since our son has been born, he's refused to let me get a passport to take him back to see my family in Ireland. I've had to leave him with his dad, or just not go. If we must go to court, can a court force him to sign for a passport? Or give me a court order that he can have one? I'm not asking to take him to a third world country and would just like to be able to take him on holiday to see my family

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? SC

I'm hoping for some advice from those who have been there and done that.

My ex and I have a 4 year old son who will be beginning to attend Kindergarten in August this year.

Presently our son shares the weeks and weekend's evenly between our homes. We live 30 to 45 minutes car trip apart so he cant really keep this schedule with school.

I teach and wanted our son to attend school where I teach (it's a Catholic school) however my ex objected so I agreed to public school based from my home. Our son will attend school there. The problem we have is regarding schedules. His father wants every weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening, every spring holiday and all except 2 weeks of the summer so he doesn't lose his 50/50. I've explained it's unfair I should never get any non school time with him and he said that's the price I'll pay for having him for school.

I've not agreed and initially offered him 3 of 4 weekend's each month from Friday to Monday morning. He wouldn't agree so I've offered him all 4 weekends Friday evening to Monday morning, but I get any 5th weekend's and additionally have 2 weekend's floating throughout the school year that I may use. He could have any teacher development days. We would share custody evenly on school holidays, summer break, etc. He still won't agree. He said he's unwilling to give me any weekend time during the school year.

What do I do? I dont have the money for a lawyer, it's me and my son on a teachers salary. Has anyone ever had no weekend's with your children during the school year and how has it worked out?

One other issue, since our son has been born, he's refused to let me get a passport to take him back to see my family in Ireland. I've had to leave him with his dad, or just not go. If we must go to court, can a court force him to sign for a passport? Or give me a court order that he can have one? I'm not asking to take him to a third world country and would just like to be able to take him on holiday to see my family

You will need to go to court to have the order modified. 50/50 simply may not be doable any more...and his request for EVERY WEEKEND is simply ludicrous.
As for the passport - yes, you can ask the court to order him to sign for the passport or have the court's order reflect the fact that you are allowed to obtain one without his signature.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? SC

I'm hoping for some advice from those who have been there and done that.

My ex and I have a 4 year old son who will be beginning to attend Kindergarten in August this year.

Presently our son shares the weeks and weekend's evenly between our homes. We live 30 to 45 minutes car trip apart so he cant really keep this schedule with school.

I teach and wanted our son to attend school where I teach (it's a Catholic school) however my ex objected so I agreed to public school based from my home. Our son will attend school there. The problem we have is regarding schedules. His father wants every weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening, every spring holiday and all except 2 weeks of the summer so he doesn't lose his 50/50. I've explained it's unfair I should never get any non school time with him and he said that's the price I'll pay for having him for school.

I've not agreed and initially offered him 3 of 4 weekend's each month from Friday to Monday morning. He wouldn't agree so I've offered him all 4 weekends Friday evening to Monday morning, but I get any 5th weekend's and additionally have 2 weekend's floating throughout the school year that I may use. He could have any teacher development days. We would share custody evenly on school holidays, summer break, etc. He still won't agree. He said he's unwilling to give me any weekend time during the school year.

What do I do? I dont have the money for a lawyer, it's me and my son on a teachers salary. Has anyone ever had no weekend's with your children during the school year and how has it worked out?

One other issue, since our son has been born, he's refused to let me get a passport to take him back to see my family in Ireland. I've had to leave him with his dad, or just not go. If we must go to court, can a court force him to sign for a passport? Or give me a court order that he can have one? I'm not asking to take him to a third world country and would just like to be able to take him on holiday to see my family

You will hate it and your son will hate it. Once he gets old enough to care about friends and birthday parties and other social events he will resent never having any weekends with you. You will also hate never being able to travel for a weekend with the child. Its also not something that a judge would give dad. A judge might give him 3 weekends a month and the majority of the summer, but even three weekends a month is iffy.

You do not have to have an attorney to let the court decide. File for a modification based on the fact that the child is starting school and your current schedule will no longer work. Or, if you do not have court orders then file to establish custody and parenting time.

 

[IrishAlexis]

Okay, I appreciate the advice.

We do have a court order at the moment (we agreed and filed with the judge, a judge has never had to determine custody) but it provides for shared physical and legal custody on a 50/50 basis, me being the primary residence, and access "as mutually agreed."

I believe I know the answer to this question but I'll ask anyway. Will my being a citizen of another country impact my ability to be awarded primary custody of our son here? If we cant find a mutually agreeable 50/50 schedule?

My ex has always told me if we end up in court my citizenship will cost me my son. I dont see how that would be possible as I am a permanent US resident, I work, pay taxes and believe myself to be a productive member of American society. But nonetheless he always tells me they would give our son to the parent who is a citizen over one who is not.

 

[Zigner]

Okay, I appreciate the advice.

We do have a court order at the moment (we agreed and filed with the judge, a judge has never had to determine custody) but it provides for shared physical and legal custody on a 50/50 basis, me being the primary residence, and access "as mutually agreed."

I believe I know the answer to this question but I'll ask anyway. Will my being a citizen of another country impact my ability to be awarded primary custody of our son here? If we cant find a mutually agreeable 50/50 schedule?

My ex has always told me if we end up in court my citizenship will cost me my son. I dont see how that would be possible as I am a permanent US resident, I work, pay taxes and believe myself to be a productive member of American society. But nonetheless he always tells me they would give our son to the parent who is a citizen over one who is not.

Never take legal advice from your ex...

 

[not2cleverRed]

Okay, I appreciate the advice.

We do have a court order at the moment (we agreed and filed with the judge, a judge has never had to determine custody) but it provides for shared physical and legal custody on a 50/50 basis, me being the primary residence, and access "as mutually agreed."

I believe I know the answer to this question but I'll ask anyway. Will my being a citizen of another country impact my ability to be awarded primary custody of our son here? If we cant find a mutually agreeable 50/50 schedule?

My ex has always told me if we end up in court my citizenship will cost me my son. I dont see how that would be possible as I am a permanent US resident, I work, pay taxes and believe myself to be a productive member of American society. But nonetheless he always tells me they would give our son to the parent who is a citizen over one who is not.

I suspect that were he to saunter into a court room with that attitude, he would be in for a rude awakening.

Just out of curiosity, what is his reason for being against the Catholic school? Money?

 

[LdiJ]

Okay, I appreciate the advice.

We do have a court order at the moment (we agreed and filed with the judge, a judge has never had to determine custody) but it provides for shared physical and legal custody on a 50/50 basis, me being the primary residence, and access "as mutually agreed."

I believe I know the answer to this question but I'll ask anyway. Will my being a citizen of another country impact my ability to be awarded primary custody of our son here? If we cant find a mutually agreeable 50/50 schedule?

My ex has always told me if we end up in court my citizenship will cost me my son. I dont see how that would be possible as I am a permanent US resident, I work, pay taxes and believe myself to be a productive member of American society. But nonetheless he always tells me they would give our son to the parent who is a citizen over one who is not.

Tell your ex to pound sand because he is completely full of it.

Also, you need to pull out your paperwork and quote what it actually says, because "as mutually agreed" physical custody does not equal 50/50 physical custody. Joint legal and physical custody does not mean a 50/50 timeshare.

 

[t74]

It sounds like the distance makes mid-week overnights difficult but not impossible.

It is silly that he will not let your child attend the school where you teach.

Consider every other weekend with him getting all of the 3/4 day weekends except those holidays specified in your order. Look at that time over the next 3 or 4 years.

Can either of you move to reduce the separation of him and the child? Look at distance from your home to his. How could this affect mid-week visits? Could the child attend a school midway between you two?

If you get creative with giving him more mid-week time(like Wed overnight on the weeks with your weekend), the every other should be less of a problem.

Does the overnight count dramatically change his child support?

Is there some reason that he is afraid the you will not return the child to the US?

 

[IrishAlexis]

Okay, many thanks for the replies.

We have, since late 2014, shared custody equally although it's never been specified in the court order precisely what the schedule will be. We have always been able to work it out primarily because I've always given him what he asks for. The papers quote as follows:

"The parties will share joint legal and physical custody of the minor child with the mothers residence as the primary residence of record."

"The parties will share custody of the minor child on a 50/50 basis, with the schedule as agreed. Upon enrollment in school, the parties agree to continue to share custody of the minor child child on a 50/50 basis during the school year and on school holidays."

He's never paid any child support even when I had more time than him. I've never pushed the issue because I know how he is over money.

As far as while he'll no longer agree to the Catholic school, I'm not certain. There's a part of me that believes it's only for control as there is no reason he's brought up except he's changed his mind.

There's no reason to believe I would be a flight risk. He didn't want me seeing my family when we were together and I believe this is a continuation of that issue. He doesn't like that our son has dual citizenship but he has no passport from either country and I've quite literally only asked for 7 days for him to see my family.

 

[LdiJ]

Okay, many thanks for the replies.

We have, since late 2014, shared custody equally although it's never been specified in the court order precisely what the schedule will be. We have always been able to work it out primarily because I've always given him what he asks for. The papers quote as follows:

"The parties will share joint legal and physical custody of the minor child with the mothers residence as the primary residence of record."

"The parties will share custody of the minor child on a 50/50 basis, with the schedule as agreed. Upon enrollment in school, the parties agree to continue to share custody of the minor child child on a 50/50 basis during the school year and on school holidays."

He's never paid any child support even when I had more time than him. I've never pushed the issue because I know how he is over money.

As far as while he'll no longer agree to the Catholic school, I'm not certain. There's a part of me that believes it's only for control as there is no reason he's brought up except he's changed his mind.

There's no reason to believe I would be a flight risk. He didn't want me seeing my family when we were together and I believe this is a continuation of that issue. He doesn't like that our son has dual citizenship but he has no passport from either country and I've quite literally only asked for 7 days for him to see my family.

Include in your modification that you would like your child to attend the school where you teach, and that you would like the judge to order that dad cooperate with getting your child a passport and that you have the right to take the child to visit your family in whatever country it is where they live.

 

[Ohiogal]

Trying to kick Hihiyou off the first page and get people to see the other posts.

 

[torimac]

Sounds like Dad is a bit controlling. With that in mind, I would also include specifics on holidays and vacations. Something like Dad gets Thanksgiving and Easter on odd years, Christmas and the child's birthday on even. Dad gets Father's day weekend, you get Mother's day weekend.
With regard to vacations, something like each parent shall have one calendar week to spend with the child. Dad shall have 6 weeks of summer vacation in 2 week incitements with at least one week in between. This prevents either parent taking 6 weeks at one time.
Also include specifics for phone calls or skype mid week and during the off weekends so either parent can call during their off time.

Once the parenting agreement is signed, file for child support.

 

[Just Blue]

Sounds like Dad is a bit controlling. With that in mind, I would also include specifics on holidays and vacations. Something like Dad gets Thanksgiving and Easter on odd years, Christmas and the child's birthday on even. Dad gets Father's day weekend, you get Mother's day weekend.
With regard to vacations, something like each parent shall have one calendar week to spend with the child. Dad shall have 6 weeks of summer vacation in 2 week incitements with at least one week in between. This prevents either parent taking 6 weeks at one time.
Also include specifics for phone calls or skype mid week and during the off weekends so either parent can call during their off time.

Once the parenting agreement is signed, file for child support.

I would say abusive. BIG TIME.

 

[torimac]

Also, write up the parenting plan so that if all else fails, you can say, "No, we need to stay with the plan." So plan for every contingency (if child is sick...relatives show up, family reunion, remarriage, etc.). This means that you will also need to stick to the plan. So if there is an annual event that you want the child to participate in, put it in the plan so you don't have to ask Dad for anything. Remember, if Mother's day happens on his weekend, he does not have to let you spend Mother's day with the child unless it is in the plan.

And on a personal note, controlling and/or abusive exes? Been there, done that. Get counseling and learn how to say no to Dad. Take back control of your life.