After 5 years Father wants rights.

[Hallanole]

What is the name of your state? MA

I have a 5 year old daughter that I have been granted sole physical and legal custody. Her father and I were never married. He never showed up for the support and custody hearing. I was awarded both.

Anyway, 2 years ago he moved back into the state and I allowed him to see her. After 2 months he vanished again, to not be heard until I filed for contempt of a court order for the child support back in Feb 2006. We've had several hearings and as of yesterday he now wants visitation. Either we can agree to something or he will take me to court.

What are his chances he would get visitation? Would it change my sole custody stature? As I take this paper with me when we leave the country every year, otherwise I need his permission if I didn't have sole cusody. If he did get visitation, what would a judge give him?

I'm scared, as he's a stranger to her, and she's going to get so excited about a daddy, a new "mommy" and a brother who is due the day before my daughter's b-day. I guess, I've got so many fears, and loosing my daughter. (With my commute to work, Im gone from 7am to 6pm M-F. So weekends are swim lessons, my teaching her to ice skate and currently looking into horse riding as that is what she wants to try.)

I don't know, there is lots more, but i don't want to dwell. If you can advise me, please please help. I'm turning into a nervous wreak. Thanks!
~Halla

 

[BelizeBreeze]

What is the name of your state? MA

I have a 5 year old daughter that I have been granted sole physical and legal custody. Her father and I were never married. He never showed up for the support and custody hearing. I was awarded both.

Anyway, 2 years ago he moved back into the state and I allowed him to see her. After 2 months he vanished again, to not be heard until I filed for contempt of a court order for the child support back in Feb 2006. We've had several hearings and as of yesterday he now wants visitation. Either we can agree to something or he will take me to court.

What are his chances he would get visitation? Would it change my sole custody stature? As I take this paper with me when we leave the country every year, otherwise I need his permission if I didn't have sole cusody. If he did get visitation, what would a judge give him?

I'm scared, as he's a stranger to her, and she's going to get so excited about a daddy, a new "mommy" and a brother who is due the day before my daughter's b-day. I guess, I've got so many fears, and loosing my daughter. (With my commute to work, Im gone from 7am to 6pm M-F. So weekends are swim lessons, my teaching her to ice skate and currently looking into horse riding as that is what she wants to try.)

I don't know, there is lots more, but i don't want to dwell. If you can advise me, please please help. I'm turning into a nervous wreak. Thanks!
~Halla

No one call tell you what a judge will do or the chances for anything. suffice it to say HE WILL get parental rights if he is found to be the father. PERIOD.

 

[CJane]

He WILL get some sort of visitation. Hopefully, he'll be supportive of her lessons, etc but that's not a guarantee. He MAY get joint legal custody, but if the child already has a passport, make sure whatever agreement you end up signing allows for the child to leave the country w/either parent after said parent has provided the other with an itinerary.

On a totally non-legal topic - hold off on the horseback riding lessons until the child is 7. Lots of coaches will take them as young as 5, but you'll be wasting your money and time... and I say that as a long time children's coach and ex-competitor.

 

[ceara19]

If he asks for visitation there is virtually a 100% chance that he will GET visitation. At first, they may be short, frequent visits with you present. But that won't last long. It would be in everyone's best interests if the 2 of you came up with a plan on your own (and of course filed this plan with the court to make it legally enforceable).

Generally, visitation is a right, not an obligation. But with his history of disappearing, you would be wise to try and protect the child from this happening again. Once he has visitation set by the court, he keeps it until a judge orders otherwise. That means he could hang around long enough to form a relationship and be granted regular EOW visitation and then disappear again for a few years only to show back up and rightfully demand his court ordered visitation again.

If you can come to an agreement on your own, you could stipulate that he loses the agreed visitation if he goes for a certain (substantial) length of time with no contact with the child.

 

[Hallanole]

Thank you all for your input. My family is telling me to ignore it. But I was going alone my thought of making a stipulation in writing. But I'm afraid ignoring him will not work.

I would of had him come over to my house, just him. His family has also ignored my daughter for the past 5 years, unless it was convienent for them. I would of set for a time him coming over for 1 hour. No new wife, and baby. no mention of the baby, and he wouldn't be called daddy and get my daughter's hopes up that she suddenly has a daddy and have him vanish again

He is on the birth certificate.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Thank you all for your input. My family is telling me to ignore it. But I was going alone my thought of making a stipulation in writing. But I'm afraid ignoring him will not work.

I would of had him come over to my house, just him. His family has also ignored my daughter for the past 5 years, unless it was convienent for them. I would of set for a time him coming over for 1 hour. No new wife, and baby. no mention of the baby, and he wouldn't be called daddy and get my daughter's hopes up that she suddenly has a daddy and have him vanish again

He is on the birth certificate.

Sorry sweetcheeks, but YOU don't get to decide anything from the point of conception since you were not married. The JUDGE will determine what you and the father get to do.

And your family telling you to ignore the situation is totally ignorant.

 

[MrsK]

Thank you all for your input. My family is telling me to ignore it. But I was going alone my thought of making a stipulation in writing. But I'm afraid ignoring him will not work.

I would of had him come over to my house, just him. His family has also ignored my daughter for the past 5 years, unless it was convienent for them. I would of set for a time him coming over for 1 hour. No new wife, and baby. no mention of the baby, and he wouldn't be called daddy and get my daughter's hopes up that she suddenly has a daddy and have him vanish again

He is on the birth certificate.

I'd imagine HE will inform her he is daddy. And he is daddy, even if you dont like it. When he gets visitation, it may be around you at first, but it will eventually be without you, and she'll be around the new wife and baby. You should know what is going to happen and what you are getting into with this. If he wants to come and go for the rest of her life, the courts could allow him to do so. Visitation is a right, not an obligation.

 

[JOEmom]

I would wait until you recieve papers. Do not fight on email, texting, writing..in fact avoid that at all cost.. when you recieve the papers...get a lawyer or check out a local legal assitance group. Also document EVERYTHING with time, date, and witnesses for future use.

 

[Hallanole]

I don't think I made myself clear. Let me try one more time.

At this moment, I have Sole Physical and Legal Custody granted by a judge back in October 2001.

My Ex never showed, and he was Not granted a single day of visitation.

Ex wants me to allow visitation and keep it out of court.

If I allow that, then I would let him visit her for 1 hour to start on a certain day at my house, to get her use to a stranger. Let him and her get to know eachother for awhile. If he proved that he was going to stick around (Because I Know as of March, He will forget all about her again) then I would allow more depending on the situation.

I would much rather keep it out of court. I take my daughter with my family out of the country every year, and if my sole custody status changes, I will need permission if they need to see the court documents. (Yes I already have a passport for her. Did not need his permission because of my sole custody)

I don't want the wife involved in the begining, I don't want my daughter getting hurt. If he wants to be involved, I'm not going to deny and let it go to court and I loose everything. He wants to do this out of court. I told him that if I allow him to see her, it will be how I want it, and he agreed to it.

We don't fight. I think the last time I fought with him was 2 years ago and I haven't spoke with him since.

In 5 years, she has never gotten a call, card or anything from anyone on that side of the family. Mostly I want to keep them out of it. His mother is a coke addict, sister who's into drugs, and sister who called me once to invite my daughter to a wedding, to The ex stepfather and his new wife, who I don't know. I said no to that.

I'm thinking if I keep it out of court and allow under my rules, he will agree, and if he proves himself to her, then i'd let him take her for a day. After my daughter feels completely comfortable with him.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't think I made myself clear. Let me try one more time.

At this moment, I have Sole Physical and Legal Custody granted by a judge back in October 2001.

My Ex never showed, and he was Not granted a single day of visitation.

Ex wants me to allow visitation and keep it out of court.

If I allow that, then I would let him visit her for 1 hour to start on a certain day at my house, to get her use to a stranger. Let him and her get to know eachother for awhile. If he proved that he was going to stick around (Because I Know as of March, He will forget all about her again) then I would allow more depending on the situation.

I would much rather keep it out of court. I take my daughter with my family out of the country every year, and if my sole custody status changes, I will need permission if they need to see the court documents. (Yes I already have a passport for her. Did not need his permission because of my sole custody)

I don't want the wife involved in the begining, I don't want my daughter getting hurt. If he wants to be involved, I'm not going to deny and let it go to court and I loose everything. He wants to do this out of court. I told him that if I allow him to see her, it will be how I want it, and he agreed to it.

We don't fight. I think the last time I fought with him was 2 years ago and I haven't spoke with him since.

In 5 years, she has never gotten a call, card or anything from anyone on that side of the family. Mostly I want to keep them out of it. His mother is a coke addict, sister who's into drugs, and sister who called me once to invite my daughter to a wedding, to The ex stepfather and his new wife, who I don't know. I said no to that.

I'm thinking if I keep it out of court and allow under my rules, he will agree, and if he proves himself to her, then i'd let him take her for a day. After my daughter feels completely comfortable with him.

There is certainly nothing wrong with taking it slow and gradual so that they can get to know each other, and so that you can be sure that he is actually going to stick around.

There is also nothing wrong with it starting out with him only and gradually introducing the rest of the family into the mix.

However, if you do end up in court its very possible that you won't be able to retain the sole custody. Its not guaranteed but its very possible. Therefore, if you do end up in court then you need to address the issue of your regular travel outside of the country. The orders can include provisions that your travel is permitted and that dad is required to co-operate with renewing her passport.

If he does stick around, in the end its probably going to be wiser to have court orders regarding visitation.

 

[haiku]

honestly, having BTDT in massachusetts...I have to say if he is truly serious, he will not have a problem with the two of you going to court to work out something that works for the 3 of you.

In Massachusetts you will go to mediation, and if you are willing to work together, you would eb able to work out a good legal visitation plan that protects all of you.

And as stated, you would also be able to legally work out a plan that includes travel out of the country.

As far as the sole custody thing goes, it may or may not change, but again the travel can be arranged.

One thing I guess you have to remember is that you stuck your kid, with a for now, lackadaisical dad, it may not always be that way. but you cannot protect her from that, you will just have to teach her how to deal with it. She is not the first kid to have a 'less than perfect" dad. We survive.

court orders are not evil, and in cases like yours probably a better way to work things out.