almost dead beat dad now wants full visitation

[jenlsar]

I have another thread posted, and now have another question.

My son is almost 4 years old. I never wanted child support from his father because I could do it on my own. Recently Child care costs forced me to have to ask him to help (which he did NOT want to voluntarily pay).

Since my son was born his father has NEVER shown any kind of consistancy in visiting my son. He calls every few months and sees him just one afternoon every few months.

Even when he tells me he will be here to pick him up, he ends up not showing, or he calls to say that he was called into work and couldn't make it. He has a job that, he says, keeps him out of town for months at a time.

He has no permanent residence. He stays at his fathers house in a really bad neighborhood. His brother is a 30-something man who has been a consistant drug user for years. My son's father recently told me his brother was siphoning gas and stealing things from that house to pay for drugs.

On April 1 he had to begin paying child support. His mother hired a lawyer (long story regarding the particular lawyer) and is asking for 3 weekends a month plus all holidays and vacation times.

He could never even pick him up once every three months or so, how could he be able to have my son for three full weekends each month?!

I want to ask the court if we could set up a trial period, where he proves to us (my son and I) and the court, that he can actually take on the huge responsibility.

Will I be successfull in asking for this? Are his chances of just taking my son from me highly successful? I'm completely worried. Can someone help?

 

[hisdaddy]

Your ex doeshave the right to visit his son he just has to activate those rihts by going to court. It doesn't meanthat he will get everything he wants, but the court will not deny him that even if it is supervised visits unless you have some kind of hard evidence that he is a threat to your child, for ex: abusive, negligent, etc. The courts have visitation schedules already set up for situations like this. But you have to think abuot something, if he wants to be in his child's life then step back and give him some space to get to know his child b/c your child does need his father. I see that yit agrravates you that he is not in your child's life full time, so let him try tob if he is trying to come around about all of this. Maybe it is b/c of child suppport, maybe not, who knows? If you all go to court and a visitation schedule is made and he does not abide by it, you can take him back to court for modification of the visitation schedule. I know that it is very hard to watch someone that important to your child pop in and out his life. If he keeps this up after visitation starts, you can change things. But remember that you have to document every visit, every visit that he misses and the reason he gives, if he is late for pick up and drop off, no shows, if he rescedules with you all and doesn't follow through, etc. Let him have the visitation,and then sit back and watch to see if he really is worthy of it or not. If not, take him back to court. Put your feelings aside and give all of this a test run to see if your x is able to be a father on his own. Very scary, I agree, but it has to be done some time. Better sooner than later. Document!!! If you go in that court room and you are trying to keep him from seeing your child it won't look good on your part unless there is some kind of evidence of danger to your child. Good luck.

 

[jenlsar]

Never thought of that

Thank you, hisdaddy, for your response. You are right. I never thought of going back to court when, or if, the father does not follow through with his end of his visitation. That is definately something I will have to ponder.

The only thing that concerns me is that the attorney that the grandmother hired has her tied into the whole arrangement. I believe, and have documentation from his school and pediatrician, that long periods of time my sons spends with her in not beneficial to him.

So the times that the father can't show up for his visitstion, she will have my son. I can't let that happen. I am looking up as many facts about grandparent visitation as possible. In turn. I have found the Troxel case.

I am not sure how to seperate the fathers visitation with the paternal grandmothers visitation. I'm still researching.

Thank you again for your response. It has opened my eyes to something I would probably never have thought of.

 

[Seanscott]

Hisdaddy - Sorry, but I disagree, very strongly. The "father" did not want to get involved until he had to pay for some of the expenses that the mom incurred.

How many men out there have the attitude "I don't visit, so I don't have to pay support". Now we have the other side "I have to pay, so I might as well visit"

He's had 4 years to be a dad and now he is demanding his "rights".

He had his chance. Too bad this woman hasn't married someone else. She could get a real man to adopt her son.

Instead of cooperating with this piece of trash and his mommy's paid-for lawyer, she ought to file for termination of his parental rights. He obviously doesn't give a sh--, or he'd have been there!

 

[jenlsar]

THANK YOU!! I feel the same way. It just feels as if I have no other choice.

Funny thing you mentioned it, I am getting married in 5 months to a wonderful man who has been our backbone. He would love to adopt my son. I even brought it up in a conversation to the father at one point. He would hear nothing of it. He views my son as somewhat "property" that belongs to him. The grandmother would be sure to raise hell if I even tried.

I feel useless to my son. I see no other chance than to cooperate and hope that the judge will see the trueness behind these people.

 

[Seanscott]

I am going through a stepparent adoption with a non-cooperative "father".

I suggest you get married immediately and the next day file the petition to adopt and termination of parental rights. The longer you are married, the more strength your case will have, even if it's only a 5 month difference, it does matter.

Quite often the courts use the back support issue as a threat to the "father". Get a lawyer and force him to pay the back support or sign the termination papers.

As far as Grandma, she has absolutely no say in it. If "dad" signs his rights away, she is history and she knows it. Once he terminates, I have as much right to your child as she does. Don't try to "get along" with the dad. Play hardball and stick it to him. Don't talk to him any more than necessary and don't tell him about any of your plans - legal or otherwise. You have to be tough if you want to get him out of your life and the adoption to proceed.

One good thing about this forum. You get to hear both sides - the stepdad who wants to adopt (me) and the father who thinks a deadbeat should have rights because he donated some sperm (hisdaddy).

Best wishes to you. Your family is in my prayers.

 

[jenlsar]

Thank you

Seanscott, you are God sent. It is sooo comforting to know that there are other out there going through the exact same thing.

How far have you gotten in your quest to adopt, may I ask? Is it time consuming? Or fairly simple? Do you know what the chances are of success?

I'm sorry so many questions, but knowing that you are going through it makes me very curious as to all the procedures.

Thank you so much for your responses. They have given me a renewed strength.

 

[hisdaddy]

Seanscot

You are absolutely right about him having his opportunity to be a father. I don't disagree with you one bit. However, he is entitled to see his son according to the law unless she can prove otherwise which is why I was trying to tell her to cooperate. It will look good on her part, and give her a chance to prove this to the courts. And you do not have to allow his grandmother to see him. She has absolutely no rights to that child. You can refuse her any time. (Not that I am encouraging it, but that is just the truth.) She doesn't even have to be part of that agreement. A Visitation Schedule granted to her is a priveledge given by the CP or a judge. It has nothing to do with the Bio Dad's visitation.

I am a FATHER to my son...not a deadbeat like you all have to deal with. I love my child and I support him as well. I am not sticking up for a deadbeat, I am just giving you advice. But please don't get angry over reading my advice. I never said he deserved these rights, I said accordng to the courts he is entitled to them, all he has to do is activate them. Then I was trying to explain that a judges decision is out of her hands, the best thing for her to do is give this guy enough rope to hang himself. But for the child's sake, he needs his faher around. Unfortunately it is up to your irresponsible ex to prove that he can be a father to this child. If he can't prove that...take him back and modify. The courts do what they beleive is best for the child. And what happens in court is out of our hands unless you have hard evidence that he is in danger.

As for grandma, don't let her intimidate you or make you believe that you have to agree to her beng part of this deal. The only way that she can have rights is to petition the courts and take you to court to obtain visitation. And that is also up to a judge if yu don't want to agree to that. Good luck with your case.

 

[Seanscott]

There is a post on here authored by Harley2000 (or something like that) under the "adoption" heading.

She & I chatted back & forth for quite awhile. There are like 28 messages on there, so it shouldn't be too hard to find.

I also started one titled "What a mess", but got no responses. These 2 forums tell about my story.

In our situation, the state went after the real dad for money. ONLY THEN did he ask for visitation. "MY" boy is now 4 years old. My wife & I were not married at the time, got married immediately and filed the papers 2 days later.

My situation is different than yours, in that I was there to cut the chord, diapers, sickness, etc. I'm the only father he knows.

We've had a home study to see if my house is fit for the child. He's always going to be with his mom no matter what, and he's been with both of us for over 4 years, but the state still wanted a home study. OK - I'm doing everything they ask and the case worker has recommended the adoption.

I get so mad when I read on here how hard it is for decent men & women to keep a child from a deadbeat dad and then I have to read about some poor father who hasn't seen his child in years and can't believe the court wants him to pay support, or that his ex wants him to get lost.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure". That's what I tell myself to keep us going. The courts will do what's in the best interest of the child, no matter what dad or grandma (or you) wants.

My best to you!

Email me directly if you wish and I'll answer anything that I can.

What state are you in? We're in Indiana & I am not a lawyer, just hoping to help others in our situation.

 

[jenlsar]

Hisdaddy, I am not angry at all for what you wrote. I am very thankful for all of your input, as well as everbody elses.

During these times all the advice possible is welcome...positive and negative. It gives me a broader sense of what is going on.

Thanks again.

 

[Seanscott]

Hisdaddy - Sorry if I insulted you, obviously I can get a little excited about this subject! Absolutely no offense was intended.

When a mother has a husband who is willing to adopt her child, it becomes very important (in my opinion) to give nothing to the biodad. Make him go through the motions and make him answer to the judge as to why he hasn't visited or supported his child. Unfortunately, visiting every 3 months might be just enough for the judge to say he is acting as a caring father.

I think it becomes very important to be aggressive in this kind of a battle. A good lawyer could prove that the biodad has had virtually no interaction with the child and that the rights should be terminated.

I agree that he does have rights, but only until the court takes them away. I think they should, and in this case, I think they would.

I also agree that the Grandma has no say in it.

I think Jenslar should refuse to let her children see these vicious old bags. She should also refuse to let the biodad see the child until the court makes her, and then she should allow visitation & ONLY what she is forced to allow. Make him follow it to the letter. If he misses his time, or he's late and wants to change the schedule, TOO BAD!! Grandma cannot step in to take his place!

 

[jenlsar]

Seanscott, I tried to send an email to you, but it said that you did not accept them. Anyways, I have trying to locate the harley2000 and the 2 threads of yours... I can't find them!! Do you know what pages they are on????

 

[Seanscott]

Hi Jen - The Harley post is still on page 1 of the "adoption" forum, dated 4-23. My own posts are buried and I couldn't find them right away.

I'll try to change my settings so you can email me. If that doesn't work, I'll post my email address here, but I really don't want to do that. I'll see if I can email you.