Am I commiting custodial interference/interference?

[rbw5147]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado



My son's father and I have shared custody. The court order states that our son is to spend Monday through Thursday nights with his father and Friday through Sunday nights with me. Let me add, this is the custody arangement that his father requested. I wanted 5-2-2-5, but it was decided that it would be less chaotic for our son, with more consistent time with each parent.


I am having two different issues with this. First being, that EVERY single weekend, for at least the last 6-8 weeks, Dad has been requesting time on the weekend with our son. For reasons varying from taking him to a bike show, going to dinner with friends, birthday parties. I have consistently said no. Reasons being, that my son and I usually have plans, I don't want the constant interruptions in my time with my son, and also, the fact is that this visitation schedule is what HE wanted. I think he might have some regrets because now he doesn't have any weekend time, but frankly, I feel that that is his problem to deal with now. When ex's Dad (son's Grandfather) showed up in town (he is a truck driver), I did let my son spend the night with his Dad and I got make up time, that Monday n,ight.

Dad is getting angrier and angrier, saying that I am being unreasonable and that he is going to take me back to court for "not working with him." My response so far has been, "good luck with that." I do not feel that I am doing anything wrong in exercising all my court ordered time with our son. Is it possible that this could be viewed in a negative light by the judge?


My second issue is that because Dad works, our son is in child care from 8am--5pm, Monday through Thursdays. I don't work, so I pick him up at 2:30pm-3pm on Fridays. I have told ex that I am going to start picking our son up at the same time on Mondays and that I will bring our son to him by 6pm on Mondays. Again, all the court order states is "Monday nights through Thursday with Dad and Friday through Sunday with Mom." I feel that this is a good comprimise to our son not spending all day, everday in child care. Our son is 4 and in pre-school now and will be in kindergarden next year. With this arrangement, our son will only have to go to After School Care 3 days a week, versus 5. I don't feel like I am breaking the court order in anyway. Our son will be with me, Friday afternoon through Monday evening and with his Dad, Monday through Friday morning.


Am I doing anything that could be considered contempt or custodial interference? I truly do not feel that I am! His Dad is mad because I put my foot down regarding his girlfriend's interference and because he is a bully that intimidated me for a long time. I know longer feel intimidated or afraid and I think he is viewing me exercising my rights, as contempt or custodial interference. He is also angry because I have requested child support through CSE. There was no order for child support for either of us at the final hearing.


Am I wrong? I was the doormat and peacemaker in this relationship for a long time and it didn't work. I'm always willing to be reasonable and talk things out, but he refuses. Should I be concerned?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado



My son's father and I have shared custody. The court order states that our son is to spend Monday through Thursday nights with his father and Friday through Sunday nights with me. Let me add, this is the custody arangement that his father requested. I wanted 5-2-2-5, but it was decided that it would be less chaotic for our son, with more consistent time with each parent.

Okay.

I am having two different issues with this. First being, that EVERY single weekend, for at least the last 6-8 weeks, Dad has been requesting time on the weekend with our son. For reasons varying from taking him to a bike show, going to dinner with friends, birthday parties. I have consistently said no. Reasons being, that my son and I usually have plans, I don't want the constant interruptions in my time with my son, and also, the fact is that this visitation schedule is what HE wanted. I think he might have some regrets because now he doesn't have any weekend time, but frankly, I feel that that is his problem to deal with now. When ex's Dad (son's Grandfather) showed up in town (he is a truck driver), I did let my son spend the night with his Dad and I got make up time, that Monday n,ight.

Okay.

Dad is getting angrier and angrier, saying that I am being unreasonable and that he is going to take me back to court for "not working with him." My response so far has been, "good luck with that." I do not feel that I am doing anything wrong in exercising all my court ordered time with our son. Is it possible that this could be viewed in a negative light by the judge?

It is possible that the court could alter the schedule.

My second issue is that because Dad works, our son is in child care from 8am--5pm, Monday through Thursdays. I don't work, so I pick him up at 2:30pm-3pm on Fridays. I have told ex that I am going to start picking our son up at the same time on Mondays and that I will bring our son to him by 6pm on Mondays. Again, all the court order states is "Monday nights through Thursday with Dad and Friday through Sunday with Mom." I feel that this is a good comprimise to our son not spending all day, everday in child care.

And does your court order allow you to do that ON DAD'S TIME? Seriously. You want dad to follow the schedule then YOU follow the schedule. Which means Monday through Thursday is NOT your time.

Our son is 4 and in pre-school now and will be in kindergarden next year. With this arrangement, our son will only have to go to After School Care 3 days a week, versus 5. I don't feel like I am breaking the court order in anyway. Our son will be with me, Friday afternoon through Monday evening and with his Dad, Monday through Friday morning.

You are breaking the court order. You don't get the child on MONDAY. So you dont' get to unilaterally decide that you are going to have the child through Monday. How dare you.

Am I doing anything that could be considered contempt or custodial interference? I truly do not feel that I am!

You are wrong. You are not following the court order if you keep the child Monday. If you want ROFR then you go to court for it.

His Dad is mad because I put my foot down regarding his girlfriend's interference and because he is a bully that intimidated me for a long time. I know longer feel intimidated or afraid and I think he is viewing me exercising my rights, as contempt or custodial interference. He is also angry because I have requested child support through CSE. There was no order for child support for either of us at the final hearing.

You might end up paying child support. Then what? You can be imputed with an income. Why should dad pay you child support?

Am I wrong? I was the doormat and peacemaker in this relationship for a long time and it didn't work. I'm always willing to be reasonable and talk things out, but he refuses. Should I be concerned?

You are not being reasonable. You could very well lose.

 

[rbw5147]

The final hearing was in September 2009. There has been no substatial change in either of our circumstance, which is what I was told there would have to be, in order for either of us to file for a modification.


I do have ROFR.


The court order states Monday NIGHTS through Thursday NIGHTS. My ex works till at least 5pm and he will have at our son at the same time that he does now. The only difference would be that he wouldn't be in child care during 3pm--5pm, on Monday AFTERNOON. He will spend every Monday night through Thursday night with his Dad, just as he is now.


I am disabled and have a limited income. My son's father makes approximately 4 x what I do. With the visitation that we have during the school year, plus summers and vacations, he has our son 52% and I have him 48%. I didn't ask for child support at the hearing, as I was more concerned about visitation. Of course, HE didn't bring it up. The calculator on the Colorado Dept. Human Services, says that he SHOULD be paying $460 a month. Should my son not get that support?


Am I being unreasonable in exercising MY court ordered time with my time on the weekends? Like I said, when his grandfather visited, I did let my son spend that time with him. Should I hand him over to Dad on MY weekends because he wants to take him to a bike show... or dinner with friends? Once, he has told our son that he was taking him to a party on MY visitation, without even speaking to me first! My son chose to spend that time with me, but I don't think that I should have been put in the position of possibly being the "bad guy." If he would have said he wanted to go, of course I would have let him.. but I think that Dad should have spoken to me first, before making promises to a 4 year old, on my visitation. The final straw was this past weekend. Our son was invited to the birthday party of one of his classmates. The day Dad gave me the invite, I RSVP'd and the next day, he dropped him back off from spending the night with his Grandpa. He asked me if I had done it and I said, Yes. The party was this past Saturday and Friday evening he texted me 8 times (we were in a movie) wanting to know if I had RSVP'd and if we were going because if we weren't, he was going to take him. When we got out of the movies, I replied and told him again that yes, I had RSVPd (which he already knew) and we were going. Then I added, "but if we weren't going, then WE weren't going. This is our time together and it is up to MY discretion what we do and don't do."


This is the schedule that DAD requested. Because now he changed his mind and realizes that he should have asked for something different, that is a "substantial" enough reason to modify custody 7 months after the final hearing?


I'm confused.

 

[ecmst12]

If ROFR is written into your court order then he can't stop you from exercising it.

 

[rbw5147]

Yes, it is written in the order that we each have ROFR.


The conscensus behind choosing this parenting schedule was that our son would have more consistent, unterrupted time with each of his parents. Versus, the 5-2-2-5. I'm not interrupting his time with his Dad. I bring him to school on Monday morning, I pick him up in the afternoon (while Dad is still at work), then he goes to Dad's and stays there till Friday morning, when his Dad drops him off at school.


His Dad, on the other hand, is constantly (every weekend--for the last 6 weekends, asking for one, sometimes two different reasons or activities) asking and wanting to pick him up for a few hours, drop him back off, then he spend the night with me. THAT is interrupting consistent time with ME. I'm sure Dad doesn't like being away from our son every weekend. Again, he requested this schedule. I don't like being away from my son most of the school week. It wasn't the schedule that I asked for, but it's what I got and I decided to accept it and enjoy the time that I do have.


He got what he wanted. He asked for this schedule. So now he has changed his mind and we should find ANOTHER schedule that Dad likes better? I feel like he is trying to use me and blame me for things, so that he can try to get this back in court and change the schedule.


I respect OG, but I still question that what I am doing is wrong. I don't want to be cited with interference or contempt and I won't do anything to jeopardize that. That is why I am asking.

 

[ecmst12]

ROFR isn't standard language in custody agreements. You didn't state it was part of yours, so OG assumed it wasn't in there.

You should continue to ignore dad's attempts to co-opt your parenting time. If he wants to take you to court, worry about it then, but until that time, continue to meticulously follow your court order.

By picking kiddo up from daycare and taking him to dad's later that evening you are actually doing dad a favor, so he doesn't have to drive to day care that day, kiddo is being brought to his door. Most SANE parents would be thankful for that! I can hardly see a judge dinging you for it, especially if your court order gives you that right.

 

[rbw5147]

I am so angry right now.

I picked my son up from pre-school this afternoon and pretty shortly after we arrived home, he asked me this.


"My Dad said that you wouldn't let me go to *** and ****'s house (his gf's nephews). Why wouldn't you let me go, Mommy?"


So since Dad now regrets GETTING WHAT HE ASKED FOR in court, he is going to make me the bad guy in my 4 year old son's eyes! Something I would never, ever do. Not so much because of Dad, but because of our son. He loves his Dad and I know this! I want that for my son!


Dad didn't ask me anything about going to their house. He did ask me to take him to dinner a few Sunday's ago (so I'm going to assume that may be what he is referring to), but he didn't mention any specifics. This is the second time he pulled a stunt like this. About 6 weeks ago, he promised my son that he could go to a birthday party on my time, without asking me anything first.


He is angry that I am standing my ground regarding my visitation time and he is angry that I made myself clear as to what was not acceptable in regards to his girlfriend interferring. I'm not backing down in either situation. I think he knows that he can't intimidate me any longer.


I am continuing to document these things. If this stuff continues, could it be considered Parental Alienation in the eyes of the court? Do I just have to tolerate this crap? I have no doubt that Dad said this to our son and I did email him, letting him know that I am aware of what he did.

 

[LdiJ]

I picked my son up from pre-school this afternoon and pretty shortly after we arrived home, he asked me this.


"My Dad said that you wouldn't let me go to *** and ****'s house (his gf's nephews). Why wouldn't you let me go, Mommy?"

What did you say to your son when he asked you that? I would have said something along the lines of "you can do those things when its daddy time, but when its mommy time we do things together or with (insert names of people that he sees on mommy time). Your 4 year old will understand that, and it will make sense to him.

So since Dad now regrets GETTING WHAT HE ASKED FOR in court, he is going to make me the bad guy in my 4 year old son's eyes! Something I would never, ever do. Not so much because of Dad, but because of our son. He loves his Dad and I know this! I want that for my son!

Dad didn't ask me anything about going to their house. He did ask me to take him to dinner a few Sunday's ago (so I'm going to assume that may be what he is referring to), but he didn't mention any specifics. This is the second time he pulled a stunt like this. About 6 weeks ago, he promised my son that he could go to a birthday party on my time, without asking me anything first.

He is angry that I am standing my ground regarding my visitation time and he is angry that I made myself clear as to what was not acceptable in regards to his girlfriend interferring. I'm not backing down in either situation. I think he knows that he can't intimidate me any longer.

Good, you should stand your ground. Dad is not being reasonable. He wanted to be the parent with the most overnights with the child, without thinking about how that effects everything else. He is now realizing that it does effect everything else.

I am continuing to document these things. If this stuff continues, could it be considered Parental Alienation in the eyes of the court? Do I just have to tolerate this crap? I have no doubt that Dad said this to our son and I did email him, letting him know that I am aware of what he did.

No, it really wouldn't be parental alienation. It would be involving the child in adult issues, which is equally wrong, but it really doesn't rise to parental alienation, at least not yet. Your son is really too young for that to be an issue.

I suspect that before long dad will take it back to court to get the schedule changed to something that would have made more sense from day one. That will give you the opportunity to negotiate a 50/50 schedule that makes sense.

 

[rbw5147]

I answered my son pretty much exactly the way you worded it. In as simple of terms that a 4 year old could understand. Unfortunately, I think all he understands at this point is "that Mommy wouldn't let me go." Of course, luckily he is only 4 and I'm sure he'll be over it quickly (if he isn't already). That is, if his Dad doesn't continue to say these things to him.


I think that you're exactly right about Dad being so concerned about getting more overnights, that he made a mistake and now he realizes that. I think that he believed that he would somehow "have the upper hand". Though with vacations and holidays, he only has our son 32 more nights a year than I do. Which in Colorado, doesn't mean squat.


Thank you for clarifying parental alientation for me. I will continue to document these issues so that if or when we go back to court, the court can see some of the poor judgement that he is using. This was only finalized 7 months ago, so that may be a ways off. That's ok, though. I will continue to follow the court order and utilize (and enjoy!) the time with my son, that I have now.

 

[rbw5147]

New Question

Son started kindergarten this year. Dad had stated that he was going to pay for After School Care, so son would attend 3 afternoons a week. He doesn't pay child support, though I am already aware that I could file for and receive it, as there are huge discrepencies in our income. Also, we have have shared custody.


I know Dad all too well and I would say the main reason that he would rather pay for after school care, is because he does not want to pay child support and he knows that if he is paying for childcare, it would lower his obligation. As of this point, he has not enrolled our son and I pick him up every day after school and Dad picks him up from my place after work. I am wondering, that if I wait 6 months to file for child support and things remain as they are now (with son not attending after school care and me picking him up everyday), would that be considered "status quo" by then, and if Dad then decides to enroll him (only because I will have filed for child support), would the judge see through this ploy and keep things as they had been for the last 6 months?


Naturally, I could use the financial assistance from Dad, but it's actually more important to me that I get to see my son for at least a couple of hours every afternoon. I really just don't want him to change the way things currently are because I want to spend to spend as much time with my son as earthly possible. But I know, without a doubt that if I filed for child support now, he would enroll him in a heartbeat.


So would waiting 6 months and assuming things stay as is, a good idea?


p.s. Thought that I would mention that my 16 year old daughter is flying here alone over Thanksgiving break to spend some one on one time with me! Of all my older children, she is definitely the one that needs this most. Also, all 3 are flying in for Christmas break. Their Dad and I have decided that we will fly each in one at a time, at different school breaks, for some quality one on one time with me and their younger brothers.

 

[LdiJ]

Son started kindergarten this year. Dad had stated that he was going to pay for After School Care, so son would attend 3 afternoons a week. He doesn't pay child support, though I am already aware that I could file for and receive it, as there are huge discrepencies in our income. Also, we have have shared custody.


I know Dad all too well and I would say the main reason that he would rather pay for after school care, is because he does not want to pay child support and he knows that if he is paying for childcare, it would lower his obligation. As of this point, he has not enrolled our son and I pick him up every day after school and Dad picks him up from my place after work. I am wondering, that if I wait 6 months to file for child support and things remain as they are now (with son not attending after school care and me picking him up everyday), would that be considered "status quo" by then, and if Dad then decides to enroll him (only because I will have filed for child support), would the judge see through this ploy and keep things as they had been for the last 6 months?


Naturally, I could use the financial assistance from Dad, but it's actually more important to me that I get to see my son for at least a couple of hours every afternoon. I really just don't want him to change the way things currently are because I want to spend to spend as much time with my son as earthly possible. But I know, without a doubt that if I filed for child support now, he would enroll him in a heartbeat.


So would waiting 6 months and assuming things stay as is, a good idea?


p.s. Thought that I would mention that my 16 year old daughter is flying here alone over Thanksgiving break to spend some one on one time with me! Of all my older children, she is definitely the one that needs this most. Also, all 3 are flying in for Christmas break. Their Dad and I have decided that we will fly each in one at a time, at different school breaks, for some quality one on one time with me and their younger brothers.

Any time that something goes on long enough to be "status quo" can be a good thing. Therefore, you probably shouldn't rock the boat at this point. You do have ROFR therefore you are not violating the court orders by keeping your son after school, but dad would be if he insisted on putting the child in after school care.