Approaching the ex about school enrollment

[profmum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CO

Folks I need some advice on approaching Dad about DD's school enrollment next year.
Some history, Dad and I have joint physical and legal custody of our 5 yr old DD and we do a 50-50 week on, week off schedule. Currently DD is starting pvt kindergarten in the same preschool she has been as she misses school district A's deadline for public kindergarten by 7 days (Oct 1 is the deadline to turn 5, she turns 5 on Oct 7th). Dad and I agreed that she would do one year of pvt kindergarten in this school.

I live in school district A, Dad lives in school district B, Dad had planned to move to school district A back in Feb 2008, but did not (and to quote because he had filed a motion to get attny fees paid and that has not happened). I dont know what Dad's moving plans, if any, are.

I have been trying to sell my house and move from sub district 1 in school district A to sub district 5 in school district A. The reason being the schools in sub district 1 rate very poorly in terms of academic performance and my neighborhood has gone to the dogs. But any move I make will be within the same city (ie Aurora, CO). My house has not sold yet and I will most likely rent it out and move before Aug 2009, when DD has to enroll in public school.

There are 2 schools that rate very well (all public) in sub district 5 in school district A, that would be range from 9, currently where Dad lives, they are a 11 and 14 miles away respectively. If Dad moves to the area he intended to, they are 6 and 2 miles away, of course I cannot assume anything about Dad moving.

In addition, one can request “2 schools of choice” for a school that is not in the sub district you live in (deadline is Nov 15th).

Our CO states that Dad and I have to consult jointly about where DD is going to go to school, which is I want to accomplish.

Given how high conflict we have become, I want to make sure that I am doing things correctly. Here is how I would like to proceed:

1. Send Dad an email around mid Sept telling him that I would like to start discussions about DD’s school next year, remind him that I am trying to move (he knows that) and will be moving most likely by the end of Q1 2009. The move will be within Aurora, CO (so not across state, 60 miles etc away, we have no clause in our CO that talks about moving within state or placing any geographic restrictions). Also in that email, ask Dad what his plans are moving, if any so that we can have an informed discussions about schools?

2. Second, after dad’s response, send another email telling him which schools I am considering, why I am considering them and that I would like he and I to meet with their principals to “interview” the schools for ourselves. Could he and I go together to the schools to interview them? Also tell Dad about the “schools of choice” option and that I would like to apply for these two schools in Nov 2008 (there is no guarantee she will be accepted since it is based on size), and ask Dad if he is ok with that, since if she is accepted, I may be able to avoid a move till the market is better (not applying does NOT mean enrolling her).

My goal is simply joint decision making, so far, Dad’s sore spots have been overnights and CS, so I am hoping this will not turn into a fight, but having said that, he is rabid now and may say “no” to anything I request. So I want to make sure that I am including him in every step of this process and if there is a “fight”, we have time to settle it in Court before Aug 2009.

Insights please?

 

[Ohiogal]

Put it all in one email.

 

[tuffbrk]

Well, given the current rabid nature of the Dog - you may want to consider outlining the options available to your child, note the quality of each of the schools available to your child and then simply ask him his thoughts as to where he thinks they will be best educated/served. If you need to bring residency in at all, I'd suggest highlighting where he lives now in conjunction with the options and leave your circumstances out of it other than to acknowledge that the decisions the two of you reach may impact your future housing decisions.

I wouldn't give him any hints as to which is your preference. I'd certainly attempt to word my Email to influence him (not blatantly though!) to lean towards the decision you'd like. I think if you are open and honest about your thoughts, he will purposely lean in the other direction.

To clarify - I am not suggesting game playing here. I am suggesting that you attempt to use persuasive writing to obtain the results you desire through his decision.

Just a thought.

 

[profmum]

Well, given the current rabid nature of the Dog - you may want to consider outlining the options available to your child, note the quality of each of the schools available to your child and then simply ask him his thoughts as to where he thinks they will be best educated/served. If you need to bring residency in at all, I'd suggest highlighting where he lives now in conjunction with the options and leave your circumstances out of it other than to acknowledge that the decisions the two of you reach may impact your future housing decisions.

I wouldn't give him any hints as to which is your preference. I'd certainly attempt to word my Email to influence him (not blatantly though!) to lean towards the decision you'd like. I think if you are open and honest about your thoughts, he will purposely lean in the other direction.

To clarify - I am not suggesting game playing here. I am suggesting that you attempt to use persuasive writing to obtain the results you desire through his decision.

Just a thought.

Excellent idea and yes persuasive wrting is the way to go. I really like the idea of framing it about better schools vs where I live, is schools A and B are the top ranked schools in school district A in Aurora, CO. Thanks tuffbrk!!

 

[wileybunch]

Is it common for parents to want to meet with the principal of a public school one's children might potentially be attending in order to make a decision whether or not to go there? Is this just insitgated by high conflict co-parenting relationships? Seems like a burden shifted onto the principal and doesn't seem quite fair. I think divorced parents sometimes make too big of a damn deal out of everything and others get dragged into it.

There's a lot of information about schools online, ie. their own websites, "report cards" of school, NCLB stats, and school functions throughout the year the public can attend and see things first hand. I think the burden should be on the parents to make use of the things if they really want to obsess, er, make an informed decision. I agree that you should give the information you have and invite discussion without interjecting your opinion of choice first and I also agree to do in one email, not piecemeal getting to the point of getting back solicited response from ex.

 

[profmum]

Is it common for parents to want to meet with the principal of a public school one's children might potentially be attending in order to make a decision whether or not to go there? Is this just insitgated by high conflict co-parenting relationships? Seems like a burden shifted onto the principal and doesn't seem quite fair. I think divorced parents sometimes make too big of a damn deal out of everything and others get dragged into it.

There's a lot of information about schools online, ie. their own websites, "report cards" of school, NCLB stats, and school functions throughout the year the public can attend and see things first hand. I think the burden should be on the parents to make use of the things if they really want to obsess, er, make an informed decision. I agree that you should give the information you have and invite discussion without interjecting your opinion of choice first and I also agree to do in one email, not piecemeal getting to the point of getting back solicited response from ex.

Wiley and OG. I will put all in one email, ex does not have to meet the principal, I will myself as that is how I always have with any teacher she has had since preschool (that and I did not grow up in the US so schooling is unfamiliar to me somewhat). On presenting the information I have, are you suggesting something along the lines of " schools A and B are the best in Aurora, CO based of CSAP scores and x,y,z" and leave it at that?

 

[wileybunch]

Wiley and OG. I will put all in one email, ex does not have to meet the principal, I will myself as that is how I always have with any teacher she has had since preschool (that and I did not grow up in the US so schooling is unfamiliar to me somewhat). On presenting the information I have, are you suggesting something along the lines of " schools A and B are the best in Aurora, CO based of CSAP scores and x,y,z" and leave it at that?

I would tell him what criteria you have gone in search of and which schools come out "on top" using that criteria. Watch out, though, because by you selecting down to 2 with the data you're giving, you're already dictating down to just the 2.

In the U.S., I don't think it's common AT ALL for parents to meet with the public school principal. You can get information about the school and even the principal's style from other sources (not that that principal is married to the school, though, they can move schools at any time). I just think it's a bit of an unfair burden on the principal, kinda nervy.

 

[profmum]

I would tell him what criteria you have gone in search of and which schools come out "on top" using that criteria. Watch out, though, because by you selecting down to 2 with the data you're giving, you're already dictating down to just the 2.

In the U.S., I don't think it's common AT ALL for parents to meet with the public school principal. You can get information about the school and even the principal's style from other sources (not that that principal is married to the school, though, they can move schools at any time). I just think it's a bit of an unfair burden on the principal, kinda nervy.

Wiley bear with me one more time! I seem to have my dense brain on!.. so you are saying, I should phrase it as " Dad, here is the website for school district A that outlines rankings of all schools. Based on x,y, and z criteria these schools have come out on top. I would like to know your thoughts"?

Does that sound less dictatorial?

 

[wileybunch]

Wiley bear with me one more time! I seem to have my dense brain on!.. so you are saying, I should phrase it as " Dad, here is the website for school district A that outlines rankings of all schools. Based on x,y, and z criteria these schools have come out on top. I would like to know your thoughts"?

Does that sound less dictatorial?

Yes, something like that. If you've done homework, let him know what it is and let him see for himself. Ask him how he wants to proceed to narrow down schools. If your ex tends to bristle at anything that comes from you or is important to you, be careful of seeming to "steer" him or it can backfire.