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Calling him "Daddy"

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4theKidz

Member
When in court, also ask about virtual parenting time to include:
phone calls
emailing
webcam access
instant messaging
and if you both have iPhones, facetime.

Be specific about minimum times, or on specific days, etc.
I have it in my proposed parenting plan:

*Right now I talk to him once a week but sometimes it takes a few days of trying in order to actually speak to him so I wanted to implement a set day of the week and time.
*I have requested webcam visitation at least twice a month. I will add to that specific days and times as well.
*I have also included a clause that states once he reaches 10 (I feel that is a reasonable age), his mother and I will create an e-mail account that he can use to communicate with me. We will both have full access to that account at all times. --> I don't know if she will go for this one but I was just trying to think of additional ways to keep in touch because sometimes phone calls just don't feel like enough. At least this way, we can just send little short and sweet messages occasionally like "I love you" or "I miss you". And share age appropriate websites that I think he may enjoy.
 


The judge granted my request to have a CFI assigned to my case. From what I understand, there will be individual interviews with each of the parents, other household members, significant people in the child's life and the child. The CFI will also observe the child interacting with each of the parents.

I am curious as to what types of questions will be asked of the child. I realize that anytime a child is being asked questions regarding either one of their parents, it is a delicate situation. So I was wondering how the CFI will likely explain to the child why they are talking to them and what kind of questions will be posed to them.

Any other information regarding CFI's that anyone is willing to share would be greatly appreciated.

**As a little background information. My son is 8 and his mother and I are in disagreement over a new parenting time schedule due to my move out of state. She does not agree to him traveling out of CO to visit me at my home and limits the time that I can see him even when I travel to CO in order to do so. I petitioned the court for a modification in parenting time so that I could have court ordered visitation to cover school breaks, summer, holidays, etc. If further information is needed, please feel free to ask.
Went through evaluation recently. Am not gonna lie, it was a stressful and emotional process. My biggest piece of advice to you is not to bash mother. This person is assessing more than anything what kind of parent you have been and are. What were you like with your child before you moved to CO? Did you see your son regularly and often (or at least in line with your visitation schedule). How much effort have you made to see him after your move to CO? How effective is your communication with your ex? If she truly is trying to keep you from seeing your son when you visit them or not allowing any visitation to CO, this will not help her and evaluator will see it. It will not help her if she bashes you. Anyway these are just some of the things to think about. The more documentation you have the better. If you have emails where she is denying you access or telling you you can't see your son when you fly to visit etc. or that she will not agree to a visit in CO, save those. My personal opinion is that your son is 8 years old and certainly old enough to fly to see you at your home in CO. for long weekends, school breaks, summers etc. and barring any major issues in your household or any evidence that the evaluator may uncover that you are not fit I can't imagine that you wouldn't get some form of visitation in your state. Now maybe some of the Senior members might now more about the relocation aspect as you are the one that moved away and not her correct? So I am not sure how the court or evaluator views that. What were your reasons for moving away?
 

PQN

Member
If you can afford it, you can get your son a phone. Verizon has outstanding parental controls and you can set the phone that it can only call you and mom (and maybe other family members). It would allow your son the opportunity to call you or text you whenever he wants without opening him up to the dangers of an open-access phone.
 

EmmeRose

Member
My experience

I didn't read all the posts but from experience, it all depends on the judge and even then, it's really hard to enforce it.
To my soon to be 8 year old daughter, I am d-bag and my fiance is a female dog. My ex is of course Mom as well as her fiance is Dad. I've brought it up in court as well as have it in writing that I am to be called Dad. It never works and all the judge says is "XX, please have (our daughter) refer to her biological father as Dad as well as your b/f by his first name and his g/f by her first name unless they prefer to be called something other than Mom or Dad." It is written up in one of our visitation modifications as well. It's all just words and writing, in real life, nothing has changed and no matter how many times it's brought up, the judge doesn't do anything about it except tell her to stop.

There is no way to enforce it so even in the few and far between phone calls it's "XXX, d-bag is on the phone."

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out for you.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
I didn't read all the posts but from experience, it all depends on the judge and even then, it's really hard to enforce it.
To my soon to be 8 year old daughter, I am d-bag and my fiance is a female dog. My ex is of course Mom as well as her fiance is Dad. I've brought it up in court as well as have it in writing that I am to be called Dad. It never works and all the judge says is "XX, please have (our daughter) refer to her biological father as Dad as well as your b/f by his first name and his g/f by her first name unless they prefer to be called something other than Mom or Dad." It is written up in one of our visitation modifications as well. It's all just words and writing, in real life, nothing has changed and no matter how many times it's brought up, the judge doesn't do anything about it except tell her to stop.

There is no way to enforce it so even in the few and far between phone calls it's "XXX, d-bag is on the phone."

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out for you.

Parent, come ON! It is NOT acceptable for a child to actually NAME someone...a PARENT no less, D-bag, nor any adult a bitch. (let's face it, kids will be kid and say rude words from time to time to each other)

How is she being punished at your house?

Edit: This is a hijack - sorry. Didn't realize. Ignore me.
 

4theKidz

Member
Attorney Fees

I am currently undergoing random UA testing through probation and my ex, as well as her attorney, are fully aware of this. In fact, her attorney even has releases to speak with the probation department to obtain any information that she needs such as test results (The state of TX requires UA testing regardless of the offense, which is not drug/alcohol related).

Recently, they filed a motion requesting that I undergo weekly UA testing and monthly hair follicle testing since they were concerned that I could possibly be using and had no proof that I was currently undergoing testing. Now, let me clarify. Their "concerns" only came about after I requested parenting time with my son (while we are waiting for our final hearing months from now) in my home state, with our son being accompanied by a family member that we are both comfortable with. I have travelled to our son's home state three separate times to execute unsupervised parenting time with some overnights included. I just can't afford to do so again until the final hearing.

Since they had the ability to find out whether or not I was undergoing drug testing and chose to not utilize their releases, even after the advice of my lawyer to them to use the releases in their possession to verify what my attorney and I had been telling them, could I possibly be entitled to my attorney fees being paid by my ex for this motion and the defense against it? I haven't had any drug-related incidents in four years and they are still "concerned" about my using - in fact they are even bringing up things from 8 years ago! Yes, I have a past but that is exactly what it is, a past. I have undergone either hair follicles or random UA testing for the last straight 16 months that have ALL been negative but that doesn't seem to be enough....

I will be asking this question of my attorney before we file our response but was wanting the opinions of the members here before I brought it up.
 

CJane

Senior Member
I haven't had any drug-related incidents in four years and they are still "concerned" about my using - in fact they are even bringing up things from 8 years ago! Yes, I have a past but that is exactly what it is, a past. I have undergone either hair follicles or random UA testing for the last straight 16 months that have ALL been negative but that doesn't seem to be enough....

I will be asking this question of my attorney before we file our response but was wanting the opinions of the members here before I brought it up.
Frankly? You're an addict. Always will be.

While she clearly knew this when she had a child with you, and many here will tell you that means she's "ok with it", that's not logically true. *I would be "concerned" as well. Why? Because even though you haven't had any "drug related incidents", you've clearly had SOME sort of "incident", or you wouldn't be on probation.

And you've only had parenting time in the child's home state where Mom is local and (presumably) only a phone call away. AND while you're (presumably) on your best behavior. Extended periods on your own turf are an entirely different matter. ESPECIALLY when nothing is finalized in court.
 

4theKidz

Member
Frankly? You're an addict. Always will be.

While she clearly knew this when she had a child with you, and many here will tell you that means she's "ok with it", that's not logically true. *I would be "concerned" as well. Why? Because even though you haven't had any "drug related incidents", you've clearly had SOME sort of "incident", or you wouldn't be on probation.

And you've only had parenting time in the child's home state where Mom is local and (presumably) only a phone call away. AND while you're (presumably) on your best behavior. Extended periods on your own turf are an entirely different matter. ESPECIALLY when nothing is finalized in court.
The "incident" had absolutely nothing to do with drugs, stupidity yes, drugs no. And I am not complaining about not yet knowing whether or not our son will be allowed to come visit me with a mutually trusted individual. I understand that until this case has been heard by a judge, that she has the right to say no.

However, my primary question was to ask whether I was entitled to attorney fees when she had the releases necessary to verify that I AM taking drug tests (for 16 months) now and every single one has been negative. All of these tests are random UA's and there are also approx. 4-5 hair follicles as well which can go as far back as 90 days. Even having the release to retrieve that information, and being told by my attorney that all she would need to do is execute the release that had been given to her, she chose to file a motion in court demanding testing claiming that she "did not know" if I was currently being tested. So if an individual has the ability to find out information with a simple phone call or fax (that is how my attorney has obtained all of my probation information) but chooses to file a motion in court demanding that something be done that is already being done (and can be verified by them), am I justified in asking for attorney fees for this particular motion and its defense?
 

tuffbrk

Senior Member
You should ask your attorney. If they can prove access to the testing results had been made available to your ex, perhaps you can request reimbursement of attorneys fees. Asking for the other party to cover your legal costs is pretty standard. The judge decides one way or another. Sometimes they explain their decision, sometimes they don't.

Myself? If my ex requested access I would simply have provided them with a copy of the results as opposed to having an attorney send a release form for them to use to obtain the results.
 

codykid96

Junior Member
ok in my opoinion (not that its not worth much but) i think u should be open and honest just be "hey i dont like "son" caling NAME daddy im his onley daddy" and even try to explain to "son" that thats his step daddy i hope it works out
 

4theKidz

Member
You should ask your attorney. If they can prove access to the testing results had been made available to your ex, perhaps you can request reimbursement of attorneys fees. Asking for the other party to cover your legal costs is pretty standard. The judge decides one way or another. Sometimes they explain their decision, sometimes they don't.

Myself? If my ex requested access I would simply have provided them with a copy of the results as opposed to having an attorney send a release form for them to use to obtain the results.
Thanks, I appreciate your response. Well, we would have done that but anything that comes from us is assumed to be fraudulent. Not sure why, since we have never provided inaccurate/false documents but that is how the other attorney operates.

However, your response makes me feel more confident in requesting the legal fees be reimbursed since they had a release and chose to not use it.
 

Datman07

Member
I would nip it in the bud. You PAY for the right to be "daddy". Dont let that be taken from you. In all reality though children are also pretty smart and even though at a young age may be told to call the significant other daddy, they know better as they start to gain more common sense...
 

4theKidz

Member
*Update*

Evaluation over and report from CFI was released. I feel the report, overall, was pretty fair. The CFI did not favor one of us over the other and pointed out good and bad things about each of us, which I have to admit, were accurate. The CFI's recommendation was to allow my son to fly out to visit me and then a standard visitation schedule was spelled out. So basically, the CFI recommended very close to what I was asking for in the first place. The summer break is to be split up into 3 chunks of time to total 6 weeks. However, that is only for the first year while our son adjusts to the long distance schedule and being away from home for so long. It is supposed to increase each year.

The issue of my son calling his step-dad "Dad" was also addressed. It was stated that my son should be allowed to continue to call his step-dad "Dad" since he is a father figure to him and my son was confused as to why he shouldn't call both of us that. I'm not exactly thrilled with that, but a good point was made in the report. My anger and frustration over him calling both of us "Dad" was more about me and my feelings, rather than my son. It still bothers me to no end but the last thing I want to do is have my son upset. He shouldn't have to worry about if he's hurting my feelings.

I feel much more confident about our final hearing now that the CFI has recommended basically what I was asking for. I know it's not a guarantee that the judge will agree but I know that the majority of the time, the courts rely heavily on what the CFI suggests.
 

Antigone*

Senior Member
Evaluation over and report from CFI was released. I feel the report, overall, was pretty fair. The CFI did not favor one of us over the other and pointed out good and bad things about each of us, which I have to admit, were accurate. The CFI's recommendation was to allow my son to fly out to visit me and then a standard visitation schedule was spelled out. So basically, the CFI recommended very close to what I was asking for in the first place. The summer break is to be split up into 3 chunks of time to total 6 weeks. However, that is only for the first year while our son adjusts to the long distance schedule and being away from home for so long. It is supposed to increase each year.

The issue of my son calling his step-dad "Dad" was also addressed. It was stated that my son should be allowed to continue to call his step-dad "Dad" since he is a father figure to him and my son was confused as to why he shouldn't call both of us that. I'm not exactly thrilled with that, but a good point was made in the report. My anger and frustration over him calling both of us "Dad" was more about me and my feelings, rather than my son. It still bothers me to no end but the last thing I want to do is have my son upset. He shouldn't have to worry about if he's hurting my feelings.

I feel much more confident about our final hearing now that the CFI has recommended basically what I was asking for. I know it's not a guarantee that the judge will agree but I know that the majority of the time, the courts rely heavily on what the CFI suggests.
I didn't take the time to read this whole thread, but at the end of the day your child calling his "father figure" daddy does not devalue you. It should always be about your child, and I'm happy to see that you realized that.:)

I wish you well.:)
 

OHRoadwarrior

Senior Member
My stepdaughter calls me dad and her father dad. When referring to us in conversation she uses daddy --- or daddy -------. This issue is not so much about you as the child. There is no real emotional rule that can dictate when this should be permitted. The only real rule seems to be it should not be demanded. Your feelings will soften with time.
 

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