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Calling a step "Dad," or "Mom?"

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almostsm

Member
What is the name of your state? Missouri

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=395842

People used to always tell Dad that none of this matters, and then I found the above thread.

Dad's been dealing with this for the 7 years he and Mom have been separated. Immediately upon separating, Mom started having the kids call the new boyfriend (now husband) "Daddy," and had the kids call Dad by his first name, or "Daddy (first name.)"

Dad has had talks with Mom about this, even recent as of October 2007, and her response was (taken directly from an email): "You had stated that the boys said John hits them if they don't call him Dad, and that they don't have to call them Dad. You are right, they do not have to call him dad. But if they want to, or have no problem with it, why do you?"

Btw, the story is this: one of the kids said, "John hit me and I told him, 'you can't do that, you're not my dad.' He hit me again and said, 'I'm still your dad.'" By hitting, Dad can only assume spanking... but who knows, Mom and new husband have a paper trail of DV in the household.

But back to the "Dad" issue...

Dad has never been comfortable with the idea of his children calling someone else "Dad," and Mom has always played it off like it wasn't a big deal. It's not like Dad was never around for the kids to not know who he was/is. Mom would always say, "I never encouraged them, they just did it by themselves." But she never DIScouraged it. Only in recent years have the kids started calling Dad "Dad," and not by his first name or Daddy (first name.)

The kids are now 10 (twins,) and they still call stepdad "Dad." As recently as a year ago, Stepdad is listed as in many areas of medical documents as "Father," and some as "Stepfather" in the "Parent" section, but Dad is not listed anywhere.
The maternal grandmother is listed as an emergency contact, and she lives out of state (so does Dad.)

Dad is going to court later on this year for his contempt motion. Should he even bother to mention any of this? There's a heck of a lot more to this story...
 


penelope10

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? Missouri

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=395842

People used to always tell Dad that none of this matters, and then I found the above thread.

Dad's been dealing with this for the 7 years he and Mom have been separated. Immediately upon separating, Mom started having the kids call the new boyfriend (now husband) "Daddy," and had the kids call Dad by his first name, or "Daddy (first name.)"

Dad has had talks with Mom about this, even recent as of October 2007, and her response was (taken directly from an email): "You had stated that the boys said John hits them if they don't call him Dad, and that they don't have to call them Dad. You are right, they do not have to call him dad. But if they want to, or have no problem with it, why do you?"

Btw, the story is this: one of the kids said, "John hit me and I told him, 'you can't do that, you're not my dad.' He hit me again and said, 'I'm still your dad.'" By hitting, Dad can only assume spanking... but who knows, Mom and new husband have a paper trail of DV in the household.

But back to the "Dad" issue...

Dad has never been comfortable with the idea of his children calling someone else "Dad," and Mom has always played it off like it wasn't a big deal. It's not like Dad was never around for the kids to not know who he was/is. Mom would always say, "I never encouraged them, they just did it by themselves." But she never DIScouraged it. Only in recent years have the kids started calling Dad "Dad," and not by his first name or Daddy (first name.)

The kids are now 10 (twins,) and they still call stepdad "Dad." As recently as a year ago, Stepdad is listed as in many areas of medical documents as "Father," and some as "Stepfather" in the "Parent" section, but Dad is not listed anywhere.
The maternal grandmother is listed as an emergency contact, and she lives out of state (so does Dad.)

Dad is going to court later on this year for his contempt motion. Should he even bother to mention any of this? There's a heck of a lot more to this story...
What is the contempt motion for?
 

almostsm

Member
Contempt motion is for denial of visitation, as well as lack of communication regarding the healthcare of the children.

CPS has been called in Missouri. Dad has not recieved any reports or documentation yet.

Dad has also contacted CPS where he lives and first he was told out of state, out of jursdiction... but then he was told "it is not illegal to physically punish a child." Dad asked, "Even if the kid is not yours?" And the CPS person said "unfortunately there is no specific literature regarding circumstances such as that, and unfortunately it takes something so bad as a child to die before any laws will be made"...

Some how I just don't believe that, jmo. But I haven't found anything dictating otherwise and that scares me.
 

wileybunch

Senior Member
Yes, a parent or guardian (which would include this stepparent) can use spanking as discipline in Missouri:

Missouri Revised Statutes
Chapter 210
Child Protection and Reformation
Section 210.110
http://www.moga.mo.gov/statutes/C200-299/2100000110.HTM

Missouri Revised Statutes
Chapter 563
Defense of Justification
Section 563.061
http://www.moga.mo.gov/statutes/C500-599/5630000061.HTM

Includes ....
563.061. 1. The use of physical force by an actor upon another person is justifiable when the actor is a parent, guardian or other person entrusted with the care and supervision of a minor or an incompetent person or when the actor is a teacher or other person entrusted with the care and supervision of a minor for a special purpose; and

(1) The actor reasonably believes that the force used is necessary to promote the welfare of a minor or incompetent person, or, if the actor's responsibility for the minor is for special purposes, to further that special purpose or to maintain reasonable discipline in a school, class or other group; and

(2) The force used is not designed to cause or believed to create a substantial risk of causing death, serious physical injury, disfigurement, extreme pain or extreme emotional distress.
 

almostsm

Member
So it doesn't really matter that stepdad spanks the kids... so no need to prod CPS anymore? I guess I just don't agree with physically punishing children who are not yours, but then again going with the topic of this thread, stepdad obviously feels these children are more his than Dad's and that he has every right to choose what type of punishment to carry out.
 

penelope10

Senior Member
So it doesn't really matter that stepdad spanks the kids... so no need to prod CPS anymore? I guess I just don't agree with physically punishing children who are not yours, but then again going with the topic of this thread, stepdad obviously feels these children are more his than Dad's and that he has every right to choose what type of punishment to carry out.
If there is a history of domestic violence in the home I'd bring proof of this to court.(Police reports etc) Also any docs from the school showing where step dad has been put on paperwork as Father, and any medical records showing that step dad may have presented himself as Dad.

The kids should not have been encouraged to call SD Dad. That is Mom's fault as well as SDs

Sounds like these kids may have been through a lot and may need to be removed from the home if it can be proven that domestic violence either against Mom or SD has happened in their presence and is an ongoing problem. At the minimum I would push for court ordered counseling for the kids.....The spanking issue is not going to fly as abuse since state law finds it acceptable for a Step to use corporal punishment.(Unless there are records of medical treatment for injuries that arose from the spanking which is doubtful--Doctors legally must report abuse cases). However, abusers often are not truthful when taking a child to the Doctor and can sometimes run a con job....

Of course all of this can be presented when Dad shows that his right to visitation has been denied and health issues regarding the kids have been kept from him.
 
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Just Blue

Senior Member
So it doesn't really matter that stepdad spanks the kids... so no need to prod CPS anymore? I guess I just don't agree with physically punishing children who are not yours, but then again going with the topic of this thread, stepdad obviously feels these children are more his than Dad's and that he has every right to choose what type of punishment to carry out.
What is the DV history you mentioned...And I don't care what the statutes read...If a LEGAL STRANGER is hitting these children CALL CPS in the jurisdiction where the children live.

What is the custody order state? Joint/w/Joint Legal?

Bring ANY evidence Dad has regarding Mom usurping Dad place....Medical and Dental Records, school records, evidence of non-compliance of visitation, e-mails...Anything. Request a GAL for the children...
 

onebreath

Member
It would be interesting to ask a CPS worker what is "child abuse"...I asked once...and got a vague answer. I know what is child abuse a state (prosecution) can act on is obvious signs on a childs body and testimony from and adult and a child...but even that will come under scruntiny. I know my daughters teacher, and myself, in one day called CPS for false conduct or whatever by the dad, that morning. Cps chose not to respond upon teachers call...they did respond upon mine...perhaps ( don't know) as I pointed out that I've been in touch the past 2 years.

Even at that, I've been forwarned by numerous posters', daughers' doctor that nothing will happen....the most is they will recommend dad get anger managment or parenting classes (which he did one other court ordered time, makes no lick of difference in his behavior)...I can't even get info from CPS...all I know is the nest time he does something really wierd physically with child...I will report him again....and again....

My bottom line with the name thing is bring it up in court, and request children be called by that name.

I have the same issue...father insists on calling daughter by a name she hates....but that is her life with him.
 

yellow_rose

Junior Member
So it doesn't really matter that stepdad spanks the kids... so no need to prod CPS anymore? I guess I just don't agree with physically punishing children who are not yours, but then again going with the topic of this thread, stepdad obviously feels these children are more his than Dad's and that he has every right to choose what type of punishment to carry out.
Does this jive with an agreed-upon style of discipline?

I had a similar problem with my ex's fiance. She was spanking my child against my wishes. While it's not illegal in my state, I filed a motion to modify our JPA stating our agreed-upon style of discipline (no physical punishment) and that all parties involved agreed to honor it. That leaves the ex responsible for what's going on in his home and upholding the court order.

It's kind of a back door to getting it to stop. Would that work for you? -Assuming the desired effect is to just stop the spanking.

Same thing goes for the "Dad" thing. It's common practice for there to be verbiage in custody agreements outlining this very issue. If yours doesn't, the file a motion to modify and get it in there.

You can do this stuff Pro Se.
 

onebreath

Member
I agree with YellowRoses' words,

the next time you go to court over whatever, bring up all instances of this dad/step dad deal and make a request as far as who gets called who. Its a case where mom is not backing up the dad.

And I love the ideas that it be incorporated into the court order, under the parenting plan, a request for agreement of no physical violence occur.

The thing is is these days spanking is still not physical violence right? Depending on the judge, it may be that discipline is simply different in one home from the other. Yet you can always make the case that in split homes, around major issues it is ideal for the childs best interests' to have consistency and routine...so similar disicipline in each home is healthier for the child, if the parents can agree. Always frame a request with background as to ways you see the child responding to the non-spanking, vs ways you see him grow (and or react) with it.

I was not very clear in my last post and referred to the parent calling the child by a different name...this is different...the child given allowance to call a non-dad dad. Ideally it would be handled sensitively by the mom and step- dad...hey...so and so is not here to take your place, never could, and that step-dad recognizes that too. He could be called friend, by his name, step-dad, all kinds of stuff besides dad. I can't help thinking it must be confusing for children...well, which one IS my real dad? The biological father who is involved is the dad.
 

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