Can he make me be a father FOR him?

[lyddlk]

What is the name of your state?
MI

For a bit of background: My daughter just turned 3 in May, her father and I were never married, he is in the military (currently in Iraq but living in Kansas) and I have sole physical custody with joint legal custody. He has only seen her 4 times since she was born. He seems to be under the impression that it is my responsibility to send pictures, call and email how she is doing, and that I should bring her to see him or meet him halfway when he wants to see her. He never sends anything for Christmas or her birthday (yet always says things are coming in the mail) and often makes plans to come see her and cancels them without notifying me he isn't coming. He also expects me to have pictures of him to show to my daughter so I can point to her and tell her, "That's your daddy." I live with my boyfriend whom I have been with since I was five months pregnant and don't feel it's appropriate to have pictures of him hanging around in the living room (although I don't object to giving my daughter pictures of him, yet he thinks its also solely my fault because I haven't asked him for any). He plans on taking me to court when he gets back to the states in a sad attempt to have me do all these things for him. In the past 2 years he has only seen her one time, since he has been overseas only called twice (and yes he does have ample access to a phone and the internet). I simply feel it is his responsibility on his own to be a father, not mine to do it for him, and wonder if his claims will even make their way to court. Can I actually be ordered to take her to Kansas or pay for his transportation? I just get aggrivated because although he has been married twice since my daughter was born he constantly rags on about how I live with my boyfriend and just want her to think he's her father. My boyfriend loves her like his own but also respects the fact that she is not biologically his, so is my daughter's father able to throw a temper tantrum and take me to court everytime this gets under his skin?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state?
MI

For a bit of background: My daughter just turned 3 in May, her father and I were never married, he is in the military (currently in Iraq but living in Kansas) and I have sole physical custody with joint legal custody. He has only seen her 4 times since she was born. He seems to be under the impression that it is my responsibility to send pictures, call and email how she is doing, and that I should bring her to see him or meet him halfway when he wants to see her. He never sends anything for Christmas or her birthday (yet always says things are coming in the mail) and often makes plans to come see her and cancels them without notifying me he isn't coming. He also expects me to have pictures of him to show to my daughter so I can point to her and tell her, "That's your daddy." I live with my boyfriend whom I have been with since I was five months pregnant and don't feel it's appropriate to have pictures of him hanging around in the living room (although I don't object to giving my daughter pictures of him, yet he thinks its also solely my fault because I haven't asked him for any). He plans on taking me to court when he gets back to the states in a sad attempt to have me do all these things for him. In the past 2 years he has only seen her one time, since he has been overseas only called twice (and yes he does have ample access to a phone and the internet). I simply feel it is his responsibility on his own to be a father, not mine to do it for him, and wonder if his claims will even make their way to court. Can I actually be ordered to take her to Kansas or pay for his transportation? I just get aggrivated because although he has been married twice since my daughter was born he constantly rags on about how I live with my boyfriend and just want her to think he's her father. My boyfriend loves her like his own but also respects the fact that she is not biologically his, so is my daughter's father able to throw a temper tantrum and take me to court everytime this gets under his skin?

Most of what dad is demanding that you do is not something that a court would order. However that doesn't mean that dad couldn't file frivolous motions. However if his motions are truly frivolous you should be able to get sanctions against him.

As far as transportion is concerned, most likely that would be dad's responsiblity since his career generally means that he is not going to be living where the child lives....but that is not guaranteed.

However you also need to realize that dad's career means that a judge would likely be more flexible and generous with dad regarding visitation/parenting time, than what might happen if dad were absent from the child's life without the military being an issue.

 

[stealth2]

Who created the distance (between MI & KS. that is)?

 

[lyddlk]

To stealth2

He went into the military right before I had my daughter. Even when he was close by or had the oppertunity to see her he rarely did. He's been in North Carolina, Georgia, and Kansas since being in the military and he is going to be stationed in Florida, per his request, shortly after he gets back. I truely think he only does these things out of spite, not out of caring for his daughter. It seems he only wants to drag me to court and treaten to take her when I disagree with him or don't volunteer to do everything for him. He never does anything for her and only seems to act like he cares when he gets mad. I also forgot to mention he has reasonable visitation. To me, letting him take her for a week is not reasonable. She hasn't seen him in over a year and hardly ever saw him before that and has absolutely no idea who he is. I have no objection to her getting to know him and possibly spending time wherever he is stationed when she is OLDER but right now I look at it as she's only 3 and has never been away from me for more than a day, let alone to be left with a strange man she doesn't know. Last time she saw him she screamed and ran and hid from him because she didn't know who he was.

 

[profmum]

Most of what dad is demanding that you do is not something that a court would order. However that doesn't mean that dad couldn't file frivolous motions. However if his motions are truly frivolous you should be able to get sanctions against him.

As far as transportion is concerned, most likely that would be dad's responsiblity since his career generally means that he is not going to be living where the child lives....but that is not guaranteed.

However you also need to realize that dad's career means that a judge would likely be more flexible and generous with dad regarding visitation/parenting time, than what might happen if dad were absent from the child's life without the military being an issue.

I absaloutely agree with what LdiJ says here. (my ex is military as well). He cal file motions any time he wants and you will have to respond to them (hence more money and $$).

On the transportation issue, you never know, could go either way and yes being military the Court's go weigh that in any visitation issues. Also I would do the right thing and send me pics of her via email when you can and an occasional email when he is in Iraq about how she is doing. First, it is the right thing to do, these tours are in Iraq are not easy on these folks (my ex did two). He used to wait for her pics which I sent every day to him.

Second, it demonstrates your willingness to let your daugther have a relationship with him which the Court's really appreciate if he goes back to Court. I will says this very carefully, as a former military spouse, I greatly respect and admire the Armed Forces because I know first hand what a life it is, full of sacrifice in this time of ongoing War. We spouses and our children also pay the price of this War. I am so glad that this time around (unlike Vietnam), there is tremendous public support for the troops as there always should be. But these are human beings and some Armed Servicemen or women can be jerks. But the public sentiment about this War and their role may cloud some of this and the Judge you get might feel the same way. So tread carefully and leave issues concerning your boyfriend etc out of it.. irrelevant

So yes he can throw a temper tantrum, anytime he wants, mine always does

 

[lyddlk]

I was a military brat. I grew up in Virginia Beach. Not sure if you're familiar with it but it houses the biggest naval base in the U.S. My dad was in the Navy for 23 years flying F-14 Tomcats and working at the Pentagon. I have plenty of respect for people in the military, yet also know some people serving in it are the same idiots that tore the halls up in my high school (hence my daughter's father being one of them). If he really wanted to, he could have requested a base stationed closer to Michigan. He also had to go to stress and anger management because he threw his second wife into a wall when she found out he was cheating on her. He has very unstable relationships in his wife and it worries me because as my daughter gets older she is going to start realizing that daddy doesn't show up when he says he's coming to see her or just like now she keeps looking in the mail for her present in the mail he said he sent for her birthday that was two months ago. He doesnt absolutely nothing for her. I sent him the most recent pictures I have of her. I wouldn't mind emailing or calling time to time if he made an effort to do it himself to check on her equally, but he seems to only want to initiate contact to yell at me for not doing it for him. He had nothing to do with me through the pregnancy, I tried to have him come to dr. appointments and parenting classes, I had to track him down through the red cross when she was bron because he didnt tell me he joined the military or where he was going, I had to get the court to order a DNA test so she could get medical benefits and child support (which he didnt pay on time and I had to call his commanding officer to have it set up in an allotment because he hadn't had it done 6 months after it was court ordered) and the few times he was able to see her he only wanted to spend a couple hours with her then the rest of his leave with his friends or ex girlfriend (while he was married to his first wife). I know these arent relavent issues to a court case and I know not to bring him cheating or being angry I live with my boyfriend in court, I just don't feel it's a good example for my daughter to be around. I want her to grow up with the impression men should respect her and treat her well, not thinking a man should treat her the way her father treats women.

 

[lyddlk]

Appologies for all the typos in my last post

 

[lyddlk]

prefmum

How could it be made that I have to meet him halway or pay for him to see her?

 

[Just Blue]

How could it be made that I have to meet him halway or pay for him to see her?

While generally the parent that creates the distance is the one to pay for transportation, in the case of military courts usually have the parents split the difference. Military are stationed involuntarily, so the courts don't want to "punish" them for something that is beyond their control.

 

[lyddlk]

A lot of times in the military you can request where to be stationed. He requested Florida and got Florida so by him choosing a further distance wouldn't that come in as a factor? I just really feel if he wanted to see her he would try to be closer or would actually bother to show up when he says he's coming. He also chose to join the military after I was pregnant so I don't see how I should have to be penalized becasue he chose a career in which he would have to travel.

 

[LdiJ]

A lot of times in the military you can request where to be stationed. He requested Florida and got Florida so by him choosing a further distance wouldn't that come in as a factor? I just really feel if he wanted to see her he would try to be closer or would actually bother to show up when he says he's coming. He also chose to join the military after I was pregnant so I don't see how I should have to be penalized becasue he chose a career in which he would have to travel.

There is no guarantee that you will be required to share the transportation, there is no guarantee that you won't. Its going to be up to the judge.

 

[profmum]

There is no guarantee that you will be required to share the transportation, there is no guarantee that you won't. Its going to be up to the judge.

Exactly it can go either way, his joining the military after you were pregnant or choosing a closer base, when you dont know what his choices were if any and whether he had a choice or not (it will be hard to confirm that) does not matter. Again a military career is unlike a civilian career and I would not harp on his choice of a career if this goes to Court, present the facts, leave the emotion out of it and you will do better in Court.

 

[Accountable]

I see over and over on these boards that it is the CP's responsibility to promote the relationship of the child with the NCP. The more effort you make, the better you will look in court if it ever comes to that. It's really not that much trouble to send him periodic emails on the child's progress, photos, milestones, etc. As far as visitation, just make the child as available as reasonably possible. If he wants you to bring the child to him for visitation, evaluate the circumstances of his request rather than its imposition on you personally. In other words, if he has limited leave time and limited transportation options, and you, on the other hands, have the time to transport the child for a short visit, consider doing so. On the other hand, if the circumstances indicate that he can make the time and has the means to travel, just tell him to let you know his plans and you will make the child available to him.

 

[Ohiogal]

Accountable is correct. As the CP it is YOUR responsibility to promote and encourage the relationship between the child and the NCP. If you do not you may get handily slapped down by the judge. All of the things he is requesting would fit under the broad cover of promote and encourage the relationship. You also state that he has ample phone and internet time while in Iraq. HOw do you know that and more importantly can you PROVE it? You can put in requests HOWEVER that is not a guarantee that you will get your request. And depending on what your role in the service is you may be limited as to where you can go. Being in the military results in little choices. You may -- MAY not guaranteed -- have to pay/provide half the transportation. Or you may not get as much child support if he has to provide ALL of the transportation.

 

[LdiJ]

Accountable is correct. As the CP it is YOUR responsibility to promote and encourage the relationship between the child and the NCP. If you do not you may get handily slapped down by the judge. All of the things he is requesting would fit under the broad cover of promote and encourage the relationship. You also state that he has ample phone and internet time while in Iraq. HOw do you know that and more importantly can you PROVE it? You can put in requests HOWEVER that is not a guarantee that you will get your request. And depending on what your role in the service is you may be limited as to where you can go. Being in the military results in little choices. You may -- MAY not guaranteed -- have to pay/provide half the transportation. Or you may not get as much child support if he has to provide ALL of the transportation.

I have several friends with adult children or siblings in Iraq and from what I know they do indeed get generous telephone and internet time. They sometimes may have a few days or a week where they are unable to exercise telephone or internet time, but it really is generous. Most of them hear from their kids on a daily or every other day basis.